Dave Paul's Place

The Bottle

2012-02-15T21:40:00.003Z

Consider the image above. This is a bottle of Tesco flavoured water, purchased by me and later consumed (the water at least). You may want to take note of the date… Says 2006 doesn’t it?

That’s a long time ago. A long, long time for a bottle of water, especially after you’ve drank it.
Many people would’ve reacted with horror at the thought of drinking something so far past its sell by date. Me, however, I was excited – I was going to get Tesco for this one. Oh yes, this had to be worth some vouchers at least!

I got right on the case. I visited the Tesco website and sent them an indignant email, expressing my shock and concern that other bottles of aged water were being unleashed on the public. Of course, I didn’t really think an old bottle of water could be of any harm. Besides, the label on the bottle was recent, so it was probably just a labelling mistake.

Nevertheless, they had a responsibility to make sure they printed their labels correctly, or else things could potentially go wrong. Tesco were quite quick to reply, I had a phone call within 24 hours. The caller expressed his sincere apologies and asked if I could visit the store I purchased it from, so that they could check and ensure no other bottles were on sale.

So I prepared for my visit, rehearsing in my mind my lines of dialogue. My concern, outrage and upset - my insistence of compensation, just a token gesture, it needn’t be anything huge.

I arrived at the store armed with the offending bottle, and got the attention of a nervous supervisor, who took the bottle away for examination. I waited for quite some time, keeping up my stern front of seriousness while pacing in front of Cadbury’s Cream Egg display.

Eventually the supervisor returned and pointed out that the 2006 was part of the bottle registration, and the sell by date is the month and year marked above, June 2012.

Makes sense when you look at it.

So with my bottle gripped angrily in my fist, I departed. My hopes of a compensation bonanza dashed, I skulked despondent into my local Greggs. In desperation, I purchased a steak slice and a sausage roll*, crossed my fingers, and hoped for salmonella.

* As Greggs was packed full of customers, I can only conclude that there are a lot of desperate people in this world.

Word of the Week

2012-02-09T21:44:00.001Z

Sexdecillion - a cardinal number represented in the U.S. by 1 followed by 51 zeros, and in Great Britain by 1 followed by 96 zeros.

January Film Highlights

2012-02-04T22:59:00.004Z

You visit 50 Word Film Review blog right now.

Coriolanus (2011) Ralph Fiennes, Gerard Butler, Vanessa Redgrave, Brian Cox, Jessica Chastain, James Nesbit, Paul Jesson. Dir: Ralph Fiennes.

When heroic General Martius is rejected by his people, he seeks an alliance with his greatest enemy. Fiennes’ directorial debut is punchy and captivating, staged smartly in a striking contemporary warzone, allowing its political and social themes seem powerfully relevant. Strong performances all round.

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Dreams of a Life (2011) Zawe Ashton. Dir: Carol Morley.

Documentary about Joyce Vincent, whose death in her London flat went undiscovered for 3 years. A film about how well we really know each other. Joyce was sociable, popular, loved, but uncovered evidence points to a disturbing, secretive existence, unknown to friends, that will probably never be uncovered. Deeply upsetting.

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Sleeper (1973) Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, John Beck, Marya Small, Susan Miller. Dir: Woody Allen.

After being frozen, a man wakes up in the 22nd century and is forced to become a revolutionary. Witty spoof of sci-fi conventions with charming Keaton-esque touches. Importantly, begins to discuss relationships and sexual politics, laying the way for Woody’s later movies, but loses the thread before the end.

DDDD

Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) James Franciscus, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans, Linda Harrison, Charlton Heston. Dir: Ted Post.

A rescue mission arrives, looking for the first crew; meanwhile the apes plan to invade the forbidden zone. Heston’s reluctance to appear means the first half’s spent retreading familiar territory with a dull look-a-like. Later we enter strange territory with a post-apocalyptic bomb-worshipping cult, significantly raising interest. Another startling ending.

DDDD

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara, Christopher Plummer, Stellan Skarsgård, Steven Berkoff. Dir: David Fincher.

A journalist receives help investigating a decades old murder from an unconventional researcher. Swedish version’s a tough act to follow, but Fincher makes remaking it worthwhile by reinterpreting it as a pacey jet-black thriller. Unfortunately, leads are less ambiguous, becoming a more typical action double-act eventually, though performances are excellent.

DDDD

Return to Oz (1985) Fairuza Balk, Nicol Williamson, Jean Marsh, Sean Barrett, Denise Bryer, Brian Henson. Dir: Walter Murch.

Dorothy’s committed to an asylum for believing in Oz, but when she returns, it’s become a ruin. Doomed to failure – you couldn’t do sugar-coated Oz in the 80s, nevertheless, it’s so dark it almost seems like deliberate critique. Yet you can’t deny the intriguing visual power of its nightmarish world.

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Shame (2011) Michael Fassbinder, Carey Mulligan, Nicole Beharie, James Badge Dale. Dir: Steve McQueen.

A sex addict faces his demons when his emotionally fragile sister arrives. Effectively shows the dark side of a condition few take seriously. Fassbinder’s sexual hunger masks desperate loneliness, an inability to develop meaningful relationships. Layers it on too thick occasionally, but long unedited sequences give leads chance to impress.

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The Artist (2011) Jean Dujardin, Berenice Bejo, John Goodman, James Cromwell. Dir:Michel Hazanavicius.

A silent star helps a young actress, but as her star rises, his fades with the coming of sound. Glorious tribute to silent movies, full of witty visual flourishes that showcase the beauty of purely visual storytelling. Endearingly romantic with wonderful humour, it’s difficult not to fall under its spell.

DDDDD

Word of the Week

2012-01-22T21:45:00.001Z

Idioglossia - a private form of speech invented by one child or by children who are in close contact, as twins.

Getting closer to the top spot...

2012-01-19T13:57:00.003Z

In at number 2... http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/magazinemonitor/2012/01/caption_competition_218.shtml

And number 1 is rubbish. Blatant self promotion - and they're supposed to be so bloody impartial!

December Film Highlights

2012-01-15T22:49:00.003Z

Visit the 50 Word Film Reviews blog more often!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011) Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Noomi Rapace, Jared Harris, Stephen Fry, Rachel McAdams, Paul Anderson. Dir: Guy Ritchie.

Holmes’ pits wits against Moriarty on the eve of Watson’s wedding. Occasionally veers close to nonsense but otherwise very witty action entertainment. Set pieces are stunning, but performers are the highlight. Law and Downey are an ideal double act and Harris perfect as their seething nemesis. Rapace, alas, deserved more.

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Singin’ in the Rain (1952) Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, Debbie Reynolds, Jean Hagan, Cyd Charisse. Dir: Gene Kelly, Stanley Donen.

A film star tires of his publicity invented romance with his leading lady, just as sound threatens their careers. Has its cake and eats it, managing to lampoon, celebrate and indulge in all Hollywood’s fantastical excess. Clever, funny, beautiful, and with astonishing dancing, it’s 100 minutes of pure cinematic joy.

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Why Worry? (1923) Harold Lloyd, Jobyna Ralston, John Aasen, Jim Mason. Dir:Fred Newmeyer, Sam Taylor.

A rich hypochondriac travels to a Mexican resort to relax, but unwittingly walks into a revolution. After the set-up the story never really goes anywhere, but it hardly matters. Mildly amusing at first, once Lloyd teams-up with the gentle giant it settles into a consistent stream of hilarity. Terrific fun.

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Play Time (1967) Jacques Tati, Barbara Dennek, Jacqueline Lecomte, Billy Kearns. Dir: Jacques Tati.

Monsieur Hulot gets lost in a high-tech modern metropolis. A satire about dehumanising urbanisation and technology. Sets and cinematography are stunning, each shot an intriguing visual puzzle, with gags scattered amongst the crowds. Frustratingly aimless in its unfolding, it’s more intellectual puzzle than comedy, which is a strength and weakness.

DDDD

My Week with Marilyn (2011) Michelle Williams, Eddie Redmayne, Kenneth Brannagh, Judi Dench, Emma Watson, Dougray Scott, Dominic Cooper. Zoe Wanamaker. Dir: Simon Curits.

While working with Olivier in London, an insecure Monroe befriends a studio assistant. Teary-eyed nostalgia painted with very broad strokes. Williams does a respectable Monroe, and Brannagh enjoys himself as Lawrence, but it's as subtle and obvious as Mills & Boon, with dialogue that’s so clunky it starts to hurt.

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Batman Forever (1995) Val Kilmer, Tommy Lee Jones, Jim Carrey, Nicole Kidman, Chris O'Donnell, Michael Gough. Dir: Joel Schumacher.

Batman fights Two-Face and Riddler, while an orphan becomes Robin. Unlike Burton’s movies, has a structured narrative focused on Batman – positives end there. Has the same schizophrenia, being part Frank Miller, part Adam West, but with added ADD. Jones and Carrey seem locked in a battle over who’s most awful.

DDd

The Gorgon (1964) Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Richard Pasco, Barbara Shelley, Patrick Troughton. Dir: Terence Fisher.

A man is accused of being a serial killer, but unknown to the public, all the victims turn to stone. Having an enemy the characters can’t even look at is a narrative hurdle it can’t overcome. The monster isn’t even unnerving, and its unconvincing mythology seems made-up on the fly.

DDD

The Deep Blue Sea (2011) Rachel Weisz, Tom Hiddleston, Simon Russell Beale. Dir: Terence Davies.

A woman attempts suicide when the romance with the man she left her husband for begins to wane. An elegant adaptation of Rattigan’s play, skilfully performed by a strong cast. But despite their talent and Davies’ natural grace, it’s too stately and modest in scope, well-mannered but feeling surprisingly in-substantial.

DDDd

Word of the Week

2012-01-06T22:48:00.000Z

Internecine

1. of or pertaining to conflict or struggle within a group: an internecine feud among proxy holders.

2. mutually destructive.

3. characterized by great slaughter; deadly.

Five Favourite Films From 2011

2012-01-02T15:11:00.006Z

I watched a good many new films in 2011, probably more than any year in my life. Alas, there was not time enough for everything; I wasn’t able to fit in the charm and sophistication of Human Centipede 2, or the 3D immersigasm of Transformers 3, but I was able to fit in many films that were good.

Here are five of them, in no particular order, because I couldn’t think of one.

Take Shelter
Michael Shannon, Jessica Chastain, Shea Whigam. Dir:Jeff Nichols.

Inspired by dreams of a catastrophic storm, a man decides to repair the old storm shelter in his back yard. The coming storm is, of course, a metaphor for madness; Michael Shannon knows schizophrenia runs in the family, but though he may doubt his visions, he can’t help but pay attention to his instinct to protect his family.

The film’s biggest asset is Shannon, whose tough granite-stone face is able to hide perfectly the feelings and emotions of a man teetering on the edge (see Boardwalk Empire). He’s a figure who shuffles around shyly, but whose imposing size and unpredictability make us really fear for his family.

But we never lose sympathy for our lead, and that’s the film’s great triumph. It makes us understand the fuel of a man’s madness; we like and pity Shannon’s character but at the same time remain ambivalent to how his family and friends should deal with him. Chastain, the less showy, but crucial role, has to decide whether to care for her husband or to run and protect herself and child.

Madness is normally something that appears on screen in a fantastical, exaggerated performances; this film deserves much kudos for showing ii in its devastating human form.

Hugo
Asa Butterfield, Chloë Grace Moretz, Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Emily Mortimer, and Jude Law. Dir: Martin Scorsese

There was a bit of discussion when Hugo came out as to whether it was a film made for critics rather than children, who would find it cinematic nostalgia boring.
It’s a celebration of cinema’s birth, particularly the work of Georges Melies*, and of course lacks the excitement of flying robots and CGI penguins.

But one wonders slightly if this reaction is based more on enmity between journalist critics and academic critics; there are many children’s classics – Watership Down, Bambi – that are far from bursting with action and volume. And if our children can’t cope with watching something more sedate, I think we should start worrying about them (more).

Hugo casts an air of magic that I found irresistible, and not just as a fan of silent cinema, and Melies in particular. Scorcese’s recreation of the Paris Gare Montparnasse train station is a visual treat, and even manages to use 3D sensibly as a way to give it depth and its crowd’s volume (although you can still do without it). The cast, including the children, are all practically perfect, and it even finds room for a real piece of cinematic history, Sir Christopher Lee, as a kindly bookseller. It really is a heart-warming delight for film fans, and if kids don’t like it, it’s important that you show them why they’re wrong (smack them if you have to).

We Need To Talk About Kevin
Tilda Swinton, John C. Reilly, Ezra Miller. Dir: Lynne Ramsey.

A film that will really have you worrying about your children. Harrowing and deeply upsetting, the film is based around a high school shooting, and follows events before and after from the perspective of the perpetrators mother, played by Tilda Swinton. It’s a film about nature versus nurture, was Kevin simply born bad, or did his mother somehow raise him that way? The implication being that Kevin consciously knows that his mother had never wanted children.

The film jumps back and forth through time, stripping away any element that is not relevant, leaving this an extremely meaty piece of viewing. It’s not jolly, but yet somehow the finale still manages to give you a just a grain of hope for the future. Tilda Swinton deserves a full trophy cabinet come awards season. Of the five films I’ve chosen, this is surely the one people will still be talking about in 20 years time.

Oranges & Sunshine
Emily Watson, Hugo Weaving, David Wenham, Richard Dillane. Dir: Jim Loach.

A quieter entry, but the better for it. If you’ve got an incredible story, then why not let it tell itself?

It benefits of course from being a true story; little known, but absolutely shocking. It’s the tale of Margaret Humphries and her discovery that thousands of UK orphans were shipped to Australia in the decades following the war, even though many of them had living relatives. The children in many, many cases did not go onto better lives, and were instead subject to abuse and almost servitude to supposedly charitable organisations.

The movie never engages in hysterics, providing believable stories of tortured souls and damaged personalities. But it’s not a Hollywood award stalking-horse, it’s a movie by Ken Loach’s son, Jim, and is built around small, but totally believable intimate performances. Even as the hero, Margaret Humphreys, Emily Watson, is just a normal good-natured social worker, whose quest to do right exposes her own vulnerabilities and quickly has her out of her depth. A film that proves you don’t have to make a lot of noise to make hearts break.

The Skin I Live In
Antonio Banderas, Elena Anaya, Marisa Paredes, Jan Cornet. Dir: Pedro Almodóvar.

The scariest film of the year has very little blood, but it will mess with your mind like nothing else. Antonio Banderas is a mad doctor who has a girl imprisoned in his home, someone he has operated on to give them a superior resilient form of skin. But as he becomes obsessed with the beauty of his creation, we discover the sinister truth that brought them together, a frightening tale of revenge and psychological and sexual assault.

I don’t want to spoil the twist, but it’s definitely one that will mess with your head. Almodovar plays the scenario completely straight, as the more fantastical elements of the story are almost incidental (the skin experiment is virtually a red-herring).

This is a story about madness and psychological horror, with Banderas cast perfectly as man with a steely, stylish air whose madness and menace he seems almost able to control. Shot on beautiful sets, resplendent in their clinical elegance, this is one that really is going to stay with you and make you shudder.

Honourable mentions go to Melancholia, The Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Kill List, Drive and The Guard.

* If you've never seen any Melies, here and here are some rather nice examples of his work (the music, alas, is not his choice).

Giving this Christmas

2011-12-25T11:57:00.002Z

One of the many things you won’t be able to ignore at this time of year is the tin-rattlers, the bucket shakers and the direct-debit collectors who line the high streets and stalk train station entrances, fishing for donations.

I don’t think there’s probably a good way to encourage people to give; whatever your methods, there will always be some who find it intrusive and aggravating. But sometimes charities do not help themselves.

When, on a three hundred metre stretch of Kentish Town High Street, there are three World Wildlife Fund fundraisers, who make it possible for you to be approached three times in less than three minutes – then you’re taking the p***.

I won’t be giving them any money I think*. Nor will I be giving money to the children’s charity, shaking buckets outside East Croydon station who thought they’d illuminate the evening for commuters by playing Christmas songs out of a small stereo system. As I passed it was playing “Rock ‘N Roll Christmas” by Gary Glitter – not exactly an appropriate choice.

I’m happy to give money to charity. But I think I’ll reserve it for charities whose fundraisers are more tactful, and who act as adequate ambassadors for their cause.

* although in part that's because I prefer to give to people charities.

Whoops!

2011-12-18T22:21:00.003Z

I'll be putting off that visit to HMS Belfast till next year then.

Word of the Week

2011-12-12T00:24:00.001Z

Tergiversation:

1. to change repeatedly one's attitude or opinions with respect to a cause, subject, etc.; equivocate.

2. to turn renegade.

November Film Highlights

2011-12-05T21:55:00.005Z

You will readth ye olde 50 Word Film Reviews blog.

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn (2011) Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig, Toby Jones, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost. Dir: Steven Spielberg.

Tintin sets off on an adventure to restore a drunken captain’s fortune. You need space to tell a story, but there’s so much action there’s not time to establish Tintin as a character, nevermind make you care or understand what’s happening. Cast’s perfect and animation spectacular, but that’s not enough.

DDDd

The Rum Diary (2011) Johnny Depp, Aaron Eckhart, Michael Rispoli, Amber Heard, Richard Jenkins, Giovanni Ribisi. Dir: Bruce Robinson.

An alcoholic journalist starts work at a Puerto Rican paper and gets mixed up with an amoral entrepreneur. Fizzes, but never pops. Depp spends first half just watching things unfold, with the anarchy and wit of Thompson’s prose spread too liberally. Second half is better, but it’s far too leisurely.

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Way Out West (1937) Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy, James Finlayson, Rosina Lawrence. Dir: Stan Laurel, Hal Roach.

Stan and Ollie are delivering an inheritance to a young girl, but are tricked into giving it to her guardian. Plenty of great routines, yet even at 65 minutes, the pace’s leisurely at best. Still, each section has much to giggle at, although the dancing sequence is an unnecessary interlude.

DDDD

Batman: Mask of Phantasm (1993) Kevin Conroy, Dana Delany, Hart Bochner, Stacy Keach, Abe Vigoda, Mark Hamill. Dir: Eric Radomski, Bruce Timm.

Movie based on Batman: The Animated Series. Batman investigates murders committed by a vigilante, while an old flame returns. Does what the Burton films didn’t – creates a distinctive visual world while telling a convincing character story. Dialogue is bare but has a structured plotline, not just a succession of set-pieces.

DDDD

Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970) Christopher Lee, Geoffrey Keen, Gwen Watford, Linda Hayden, Peter Sallis. Dir: Peter Sasdy.

Three amateur practitioners of black magic are tricked into resurrecting the Count. A really good premise is totally wasted, and soon things are back to the old stalk and bite routine. A few interesting moments liven it up, but it’s very uneven and would really benefit from having a central character.

DDD

Midnight in Paris(2011) Owen Wilson, Marion Cotillard, Rachel McAdams, Kathy Bates, Michael Sheen, Corey Stoll. Dir: Woody Allen.

A frustrated writer finds a way to travel back to 1920s Paris and mixes with art legends. A charming light comedy about the pleasures and flaws of romanticism and nostalgia. The affectionate send-ups of artists are delightful, although other characters are left with little. The denouement falls a little flat.

DDDD

Days of Heaven (1978) Richard Gere, Brooke Adams, Sam Shepard, Linda Manz. Dir: Terrence Malick.

A landowner falls for a working girl; her lover convinces her to marry him, believing he’s months to live. A film that loves the landscape, charting a romance against the changing seasons, something beautiful but fragile and unforgiving. Arguably the story’s slight, but few movies are so gloriously cinematic.

DDDDD

Alien Resurrection (1997) Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman, Dominique Pinon, Gary Dourdan, Michael Wincott, Brad Dourif. Dir:Jean-Pierre Jeunet.

Ripley is cloned in a space lab, with an alien inside her, then a group of mercenaries stir up trouble. The same stuff over again, but less effective, with another gang of who-cares getting picked off in a noisy but unsuspenseful fashion. Even Weaver seems to be slipping into self-parody.

DDd

A New Bad Trailer

2011-12-03T00:00:00.004Z

Now here's a film that's got it all. Walking... Standing... Sitting down... Running... A big white house... What else could you possibly want?

A Mistake

2011-11-24T20:27:00.003Z

When I first saw this dreadful advert, in all honesty I didn’t pay any attention to it all, what with how cheap and bland it is. However, when I did finally notice it, I saw the mistake and thought it was hilarious. Signs and billboards all over London, some massive, had a huge glaring error on them. Amazing.

Of course I subsequently discovered that the man on the poster is José Mourinho, wealthy enigmatic football managing git. And that mistake is actually to do with his slightly imperfect grasp of the English language.

So it’s not a typo, it’s a direct, genuine, unaltered quote. Reproduced in full*.

So it’s all right then isn’t it? Good ole José with his charmingly endearing, but not quite right sentences. He’s a good, well known football manager, and therefore, by associating themselves with him, this company, Henderson's, can trade on his credibility and claim themselves to be the other ‘Special Manager’. Awesome innovative concept eh?

Of course everyone knows who José Mourinho is, don’t they? I mean, surely there’s no one else like me who doesn’t know who this man is and is going to think that this supposedly professional company has seriously f****d up their advert. No one could possibly think that.

It’s also a really good idea to highlight the fact that someone who is endorsing your business may not have the most perfect grasp of the language. After all, no one ever gets irritated when you point out their mistakes. Especially when they’ve taken the time to learn the language of a country where most people don’t even take the time to learn a foreign language.

But it’s good old José; and this is one of the things we know and love him for. These little language mistakes are so endearing, and this advert certainly isn’t patronising him at all.

And there’s no possible way that anyone looking at this mistake might find a second meaning in the phrase ‘special manager’. As it’s highlighted in red, the word doesn’t stand out any more than any other does it?

Let’s just hope they’re better with numbers…

* It’s just occurred to me that someone may have actually written this for the advert, rather than taken it as a direct quote. The mistake may actually have been intentional.

How depressing.

Word of the Week

2011-11-20T22:53:00.002Z

Zugzwang - noun, Chess. A situation in which a player is limited to moves that cost pieces or have a damaging positional effect.

The Worst Idea for a TV Show Ever?

2011-11-16T22:09:00.003Z

Well obviously not, there's obviously been worse*. Nevertheless, this is not an appealing concept:

ANN WIDDECOMBE'S CLEVERDICKS

Cleverdicks is the exciting new quiz hosted by the formidably intelligent former politician Ann Widdecombe, who will bring her uniquely witty charm to the proceedings.

In each show, four supremely intelligent contestants will battle it out in four rounds to try and prove that they really are as clever as they say.

The show will take place daytimes & evenings during November at The Sky Studios in West London.

So if you would like to join Ann & some knowledgeable know-it-all's in November at Sky Studios, then apply now!

Somehow, I don't think I'll be applying for tickets for this one. Charismatic a character Anne Widdecombe is....

* Personal favourites include: Who's Your Daddy, where a contestant, given up for adoption as a child, had to pick their real father from a group of 25 men; Man vs. Beast in which humans face off against animals in a variety of physical challenges; and of course, Heil Honey I'm Home, the wacky domestic antics of Adolf Hitler and his jewish next door neighbours.

Word of the Week

2011-11-10T14:06:00.001Z

Wodge: 1. a lump, chunk, or wad.
2. an object having a lumpy, bulgy shape.

October Film Highlights

2011-11-06T00:33:00.004Z

Have you visited the 50 Word Film Reviews blog yet? Well have you?

The Three Musketeers (2011) Logan Lerman, Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Christoph Waltz, Orlando Bloom, Milla Jovovich, Matthew Macfadyen. Dir: Paul W. S. Anderson.

The Musketeers must stop Richlieu from provoking war with England. Challenges you to suspend your disbelief further than you've suspended it before. Sherlock Holmes was far-fetched but that had a sense of proportion - and wit. All the energy and enthusiasm isn't enough to stop you thinking "what the f**k?"

DDD

Our Hospitality (1923) Buster Keaton, Joe Roberts, Ralph Bushman, Craig Ward. Dir: Buster Keaton, John G. Blystone.

Buster inadvertently reawakens an old family feud, but his enemies can’t kill him while he’s a guest in their house. After practicing with feature-length in Three Ages, Buster hits his stride. A little slow off the ground, but enters into a level of sustained silliness, culminating in a gob-smackingly dangerous climax.

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In Time (2011) Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, Cillian Murphy, Vincent Kartheiser, Olivia Wilde. Dir: Andew Niccol.

In the future time is currency and lifespan depends on your wealth. Good concept wasted – clumsily draws allegories to capitalism, but all exposition falls flat, so throws excruciating puns at you instead. Timberlake’s a character looking for a personality and Seyfried looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Rubbish.

DD

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) Katie Featherston, Chloe Csengery, Sprague Grayden, Jessica Tyler Brown, Brian Boland. Dir: Ariel Schulman,Henry Joost.

Footage of Katie and Kristi’s first encounter with the paranormal. Not bad for the third entry in a franchise, and an improvement on the previous. Fun’s had tricking the audience’s expectations, though attempts to invent new ghostly events miss as often as they hit. You’ll never believe it’s the 80s.

DDDd

Batman (1989) Jack Nicholson, Michael Keaton, Kim Basinger, Robert Wuhl, Michael Gough, Jack Palance. Dir: Tim Burton.

Batman must fight the Joker while developing a relationship with a photographer. Uninvolving and lacking in suspense. Nicholson’s good, but has no motives and never seems a real threat, while Keaton has very little to work with. Lots of set pieces, no character development. Handsome, but quite shallow.

DDD

Howard the Duck (1986) Chip Zien, Lea Thompson, Tim Robbins, Jeffrey Jones, David Paymer. Dir:Willard Huyck.
A talking duck from another planet is accidentally transported to earth. Not deserving of its reputation. It's clearly trying to parody friendly creature features, it’s just that it gets caught up in the action it’s supposedly making fun of. And some mis-judged adult material feels uneasily out of place.

DDD

Drive (2011) Ryan Gosling, Brian Cranston, Carey Mulligan, Albert Brooks, Ron Perlman, Christina Hendricks. Dir: Nicolas Winding Refn.

A stunt and part-time getaway driver gets into trouble when he helps a neighbour he’s in love with. Atmospheric, cool car noir that’s less about thrilling chases (there are some) and more about a man’s loneliness. Some interesting casting choices and a killer soundtrack help makes this an exceptional thriller.

DDDDd

Island of Lost Souls (1933) Charles Laughton, Richard Arlen, Leila Hyams, Bela Lugosi, Kathleen Burke. Dir: Erle C. Kenton.
On an uncharted island, a mad genius has created a race of evolved human/animal creations. Edgy for its time and still pretty dark - and pervy. Laughton’s never been slimier as the despicable scientist, who gets comeuppance in a startling sequence as his creations drag him to the “House of Pain”.

DDDD

Words of Hate: Chops

2011-11-01T23:35:00.000Z

It's sometimes easy to understand why a phrase or saying becomes popular. Often it’s pure zeitgeist – like all those social media terms that sprung up in the wake of Facebook, Twitter and so on. Other times a phrase coined suddenly seems to just fit a certain phenomenon, like Britpop or chavs, giving something a suitable name that it lacked before.

Sometimes, however, it's just a mystery. I'm not sure where I first heard the phrase chops, as in: he hasn't earned his acting chops, or, he's got business chops, or not enough comedy chops. I think it may have been during a rant uttered by the Doctor Cox character in Scrubs. But wherever it was, I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.

It pops-up a lot in movie reviews, usually when trying vaguely to describe why an actor was a poor choice for a particular part, or why an actor was actually a good choice for a role, because of their past experience, or their particular talents, or something; it really isn’t very clear.

Apparently meat has nothing to do with chops.

The etymology of this bizarre saying is unclear. I had assumed that it was something to do with meat, that someone working in a household would be rewarded with the best cut of meat having reached a certain level of accomplishment amongst their peers.

Actually the phrase is likely to be related to music; chops being a slang term for mouth. To earn ones chops would be to develop the facial muscles in the mouth to become skilled at playing certain wind and brass instruments. However, this is just the most likely origin; there is no definitive known answer.

Wherever it comes from, it’s a very ugly and unspecific term. It seems to stand for a slightly uneasy blend of being experienced and somehow proving your worth, I think. Maybe.

In an effort to get to the bottom of this mystery, let’s look at some real examples from the web.

Being experienced definitely seems to be key to the phrase’s meaning. Let’s look at this quote from a BBC review of band Biffy Clyro playing at Glastonbury:

“No longer the young up-and-comers among the rock elite, the Kilmarnock trio have well and truly earned their chops and sit comfortable at the top of festival bills across the summer season.”

From that we would could assume that this Scottish band have worked hard and built themselves a career of high-charting recordings and touring that has taken them to the big leagues of popular music.

But what if, say, they hadn’t become a hit band capable of top 10 album successes? Say they’d never made it big, but had toured year after year, and played hundreds of gigs over their 15-plus years together as a band – would they then have earned their chops?

They wouldn’t have had the same success, but you couldn’t say they weren’t experienced. Maybe they’d had acclaimed albums, but never been a big chart success (the truth for many bands now revered), would they have earned their chops then? In this context, I think not.

Now let’s take this next sentence discussing The OWN Documentary Club, a feature on the Oprah Winfrey Network that aims to do for documentary films what her Book Club did for selected books:

“Along with Family Affair, OWN's Documentary Club will show Sons of Perdition, Life 2.0, One Lucky Elephant, 65 Red Roses, Most Valuable Players -- all have already earned their chops on the festival circuit and should be seen by wider audiences.”

Now I don’t think you can call a documentary experienced. What I think we’re bordering on here is a matter of reputation. Biffy Clyro and the following documentaries have built-up a reputation doing what it is they do. But I think more than that, I think we’re talking about buzz or presence, or maybe even star quality.

Here’s another example – this time from Empire Online, from their review of recent hit movie, The Debt:

“If there’s a weak link among the acting ensemble it’s (Sam) Worthington — while he can handle David’s burning desire for duty, his accent is often atrocious, and he doesn’t quite have the chops to stand alongside the others.”

Though having appeared in a number of films, Worthington is still, I would say, an actor still to really establish himself as a major star. And in a film which also stars weighty talents like Helen Mirren, Tom Wilkinson and Ciarán Hinds, and 8-films-in-a-year, awarding-winning, up-and-comer Jessica Chastain, it’s easy to see how Worthington could seem swamped in serious heavy-weight talents.

Sam Worthington - clearly a man
without chops

But is it a matter of experience? Stars can be made overnight with the right attention-getting role. Worthington’s been in films since 2000, and won some awards too – including a nomination from Empire for Best Actor in 2009. Maybe he just wasn’t right for the part, or doesn’t have the presence amongst the heavyweights. Or is it the experience thing after all?

Anyway, so far we could perhaps assume that earned their chops refers to someone, or something, who/that has acquired the necessary experience, and has established a certain reputation and presence, that proves they/it is worthy of performing a certain task, or deserves your attention.

Well that’s clear isn’t it? Or can we make it even more complicated? We’ve already had one example from Empire Online - to my mind by far the worst chops offender - so let’s have some more examples.

…Ryan Gosling, showing sly comedy chops and about 54 abdominal muscles…

Doesn’t really fit in with the theory does it? This seems to suggest chops refers to skills, talents, or maybe credentials.

Pitt's perfect features and often underestimated acting chops work so well when contrasted with the depravity of Seven…

So in this context it’s definitely just talents/skills. After all, we don’t need to be told that Brad Pitt has got star presence, a huge reputation or loads of acting experience (more than 20 years on screen). So chops doesn’t have to refer to any of those things after all.

Happily, the movie also has cinematic chops.

You what now? So in this case, it’s just credentials, nothing to do with skills, reputation, or experience – because a film can’t have any of those things, it’s not a person or a brand in itself. And can you have cinematic presence? Well, probably in film criticism I suppose.

So what does earned their chops and all its various iterations mean? A mixture of experience, presence, credentials, skills, star quality and talent, delete as appropriate?

It really doesn’t make any sense when you look at it closely. I can appreciate sometimes that a newly popular word or phrase can come into being, and that it can sometimes be annoying, but if it fills a gap that no other word or phrase fills, or captures a certain sound or feeling better than the pre-existing terms, then, generally it's a good thing and I'm for it. But just what is this term bringing to world of language? What purpose does it fulfill?

Personally, I think it’s just lazy. A term that allows you to get out of explaining that something is either right or something is either wrong; something is in the right place, or something is in the wrong place; that something can do something or it can’t.

Even if there were a reasonable good application of this slippery term, it should still never be used. Because you’ll never be able to stop people thinking of pork and cheeks.

So if you’re ever tempted to use this damn awful term, why not just stop, sit back, and think: what it is you actually mean? And then, why not write that instead?

Word of the Week

2011-10-25T23:03:00.002+01:00

Ambisinistrous - clumsy or unskillful with both hands.

Even More Bad Movie Trailers

2011-10-19T22:26:00.000+01:00

In all fairness, none of these films look like they have much to work with.

Gymkata

A deadly fusion of gymnastics and karate… and his best weapon is himself! I’d still take a gun along if it were me.

Seize the Formula

Some days it’s just fight after fight after fight – you’ve barely enough time to say a line of dialogue. I’m guessing the formula they’re seizing is to never have more than 20 seconds pass without throwing a punch or shooting someone.

Blood Beach

Oh I get it, in Jaws it was dangerous to be in the water, now it’s dangerous to be on the sand. Ingenious. Always good to hear a narrator who likes to take his time.

Chopping Mall

You could pretty much just leave if you wanted to. Plenty of Fire Exits I’d expect.

Terrorgram

Yeah, yeah people get ironic deliveries in the post that punish them for past crimes, don’t milk it for 3 minutes, we get it. And a soundtrack is more than just the same few notes looped over and over and over. James Earl Jones, you can do better than this!

Deadly Prey

With that many grunts and cries, it’s got to be good. So violent no man could even keep his shirt on!

Final Exam

Walking slowly through doors and quickly through corridors – now that’s terrifying.

Varan: the Unbelievable

Yep, unbelievable. Not even all those different fonts can make Varan a terrifying vision, but kudos on the voiceover guy for trying so hard.

Word of the Week

2011-10-16T20:56:00.003+01:00

Pulchritudinous - physically beautiful; comely.

2011-10-14T23:08:00.000+01:00

Blink and you'd miss it.

Word of the Week

2011-10-09T20:41:00.002+01:00

Amathophobia - a fear of dust.

The Theatre Round-Up Rises

2011-10-06T22:33:00.000+01:00

Doctor Faustus - Shakespeare's Globe Theatre

One doesn’t usually imagine a tale about a man who makes a deal with the devil and is condemned to hell to veer towards a Carry On. And indeed it shouldn’t. While comic scenes are part of the play, they ought to be what they are, interludes, breaks from the main action. They should not leave a more lasting impression than the dramatic scenes, but alas, they do.

And this is in a story of damnation – there are few ideas which ought to be more powerful, and dramatic. Paul Hilton and Arthur Darvill (who proves that he has a wider range than dopey time and space travelling boyfriends) strut their stuff, reciting verse and looking cool with the clipped beards and fine robes, but handsome though they look, neither manages to make you really care about the other.

Despite some dramatics with good and bad angels fighting for Faust’s soul, they seem rather to breeze through it. In the second-half Darvill seems to have little to do other than stand sneering and leering about.

The hijinks unfortunately leave a stronger impact. You don’t expect fart jokes to pop up in a 16th century text, nor do you expect one of the characters to have an extraordinarily large package. I’m not that familiar with Marlowe’s play, so correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that’s likely from the text, nor in the spirit of it. With these added cheap laughs, it’s hard to know when to take other matters seriously. When a man has his tongue wrenched out by a scheming Pope, it’s giggles we get from the crowd, not tense unease.

The designs are impressive, the costumes and presentation striking – the demons on stilts, the black-spectacled spirits, Lucifer, not an evil seducer, but a wretched creature too weak to stand without support from his minions. But it’s too lightweight to really make an impact – when Faustus finally goes down, it’s seriously underwhelming.

At the end of the play, the cast do a merry dance, which ends with Darvill and Hilton pretending to play their lutes like they’re rock guitars. They’re clearly not taking it all very seriously – and it shows.

War Horse – New London Theatre

War Horse is very much in the tradition of Watership Down and When the Wind Blows – a nominally family-friendly story that really doesn’t hold back any punches. War Horse is set in the brutal trenches and devastated fields of WW1. And people die; in fact, most of the young characters die. And some of the horses too.

War Horse is about Albert Narracott, a simple earnest farmer’s son whose best friend is his horse Joey. His father is poor, however, but is absolutely determined to succeed on his own, and to prove to his arrogant brother he can survive without him. His obsession causes him to become callous and he sells Joey to the army as a cavalry horse after the war starts. Albert is heartbroken, and keenly joins the army himself. What follows is their journey across war torn Europe, the people they meet, and the horror they must endure before finally becoming reunited.

Horses on stage seems like a recipe for disaster, but far from it. The expertly realised horses are by far the most endearing aspect of the show. At first the horse Joey is operated by three fairly visible men, with great grace and care – but a little distracting if you’re on the wrong side of the auditorium. However, once adult, a toweringly large life-size creature appears, with two puppeteers inside, stomping and thudding across the stage in movements barely indistinguishable in sound and motion from the real thing. And the puppet is now strong enough for a cast member to ride. Joey is awe-inspiring in size, but later they bring on a rival, Topthorne – an even larger beast, dark and intimidating at first, but a friend to Joey soon. The fact that both horses show distinct persona is a testament to just how skilled the puppeteers are.

Warhorse is about the horrors of war, of which no one escapes. There are no villains: (with the exception on one minor character) British, German, French, they all suffer the price of war. Even the feud between Albert’s father and uncle subsides when Albert’s cousin disappears in action. Next to the simple, but endearing Albert, the most instantly likeable character is a young German officer, who cares for the horses when separated from their riders, and who tries to disguise himself as their handler to escape the front line.

The grim landscape is realised in the most minimal of fashion, the stage is black but for a rip-shaped screen, which realises gloomy clouds, jagged rubble or the passing of the landscape. The cavalry officers ride out into no man’s land and are helplessly wiped out by shells, and at one point, by a giant cardboard tank the size of household bedroom. The technology of warfare has changed – men on horseback with swords are absurdly pitted against the might of brutal metal killing machines.

It’s an epic story, one that does not hold back in its depiction of warfare. But its story is, of course, hopeful, as ultimately the simple affection between Albert and his horse bring them both back together. Both changed, but lucky to still be alive. It’s an incredibly moving experience, brought together with stark, vivid and brutal simple imagery. But of course, no one will be talking about any of these aspects once they leave the show. They’ll just be talking about how much they liked the horses.

Spielberg is finishing his version of the play (so catch it now in case he spoils it), and even he’s had to admit that the real horses he’s used have just not been as good as the ones on stage.

Elixir of Love – The London Coliseum

A comedy opera? Well, I suppose there’s no reason why you can’t have such a thing. It’s not all death, revenge and large women with pigtails. As a story, it’s pretty light and fluffy: Nemorino loves Adina, but never says anything about it until Belcore, a sergeant, marches up to her a practically asks her to marry him on the spots. She says she’ll think about it; prompting Nemorino to confess his dying love, but she doesn’t take him seriously.

Adina is obsessed with the Tristan and Isolde story. Nemorino meets a phony medicine seller who sells him a love potion (fake), just like in the story. It will take a day to work - enough time for the seller to leave town. Nemorino becomes over-confident and appears nonchalant in front of Adina. She decides to make him jealous by accepting the Sergeant’s proposal – but he must leave for a new battle. They must marry that night – before the potion will work!

Jonathan Miller’s production is set in an American diner, with Adina as a roadside café owner, Nemorino as a mechanic, Belcore a yankie soldier, and the medicine man a Barnham-style seller of miracle cures, whose elixir can even help women of a certain age to “tighten-up”. Andrew Shore’s perfectly timed comic performance as the medicine seller would pretty much steal the show if Sarah Tynan as Adina wasn’t so absolutely bloody stunning.

This 19th century work fits surprisingly will into desert Americana. The lyrics are not too incongruous, though there are some updated for time and place – at one point the sergeant really does sing about giving Nemorino “a knuckle-sandwich”. It is funny, with a touch of carry on humour, and a few knowing nudges and winks. It’s padded, if it were not for the operatic vocalising of each emotion, it would be over in an hour. But it is bright, sunny fun, with a touch of old Hollywood glamour and a few moments to melt the heart. A pleasant operatic surprise.

Bette & Joan: The Final Curtain – Jackson’s Lane Theatre

Bette Davis and Joan Crawford hated each other – their feud was gloriously venomous: Davis ; “She slept with every male star at MGM except for Lassie”; Crawford: “I don't see how she built a career out of a set of mannerisms, instead of real acting ability”. They appeared in one film together, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, in which Davis got to push Joan down the stairs in a wheelchair and got to kick her in head – Crawford had to get stitches!

This play by Foresight Theatre (the second of two based on the feud in London this year) finds Bette on her deathbed (“Old age ain't no place for sissies”). From beyond, gossip queens Hedda Hoppa and Louella Parsons, still somehow pulling the Hollywood strings from beyond, decide that it’s time for Davis to pass over, and that her nemesis Crawford is the one to do it.

What follows is the two former Hollywood starlets reliving moments from their lives, brought to life as fantasies within Bette’s bedroom. A number of clever devices are used, such as Joan having Bette perform the same scene over and over until she tells the truth, or having them read extracts from cruel tell-all biographies at each other with spiteful glee.

The point is that Bette and Joan really weren’t that different. Two damaged women from broken homes, fighting tooth and nail to be successful, ruthlessly pursuing and hanging on to fame, only for it to burn them both, time and time again. They both had five failed marriages (Bette may even have killed one of her husbands), and both had estranged children who later profited from dishing the dirt on their indomitable mothers.

It’s a good story, with razor-sharp lines and more than a little bitter irony. But much of the humour falls flat. The videotaped sections, projected onto Bette’s wardrobe doors, are off-kilter, and hard to hear. The appearances of Hedda and Louella are irritating rather than grotesquely funny, as intended (they ought to have just been left out). And when they show short snippets of supposed archive footage, classic lines from Joan and Bette, they barely register – tragically wasted.

Bette’s voice is too abrasive – yes the performances are OTT, deliberately so, but the accident is too forced. Comedy and tragedy are of course natural bedfellows, but I can’t help but feel that this one would’ve worked better played straighter, with the comedy flowing more organically from the material – there is an abundance of it.

September Film Highlights

2011-10-03T21:02:00.002+01:00

Visit ye olde 50 Word Film Reviews blog for more stuff.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) James Franco, Andy Serkis, Freida Pinto, John Lithgow, Brian Cox. Dir: Rupert Wyatt.

While discovering a cure for his father’s Alzheimers, a doctor engineers an intelligent ape. Squeezes so much plot into its running time that it starts to stretch credibility and doesn’t have room to make its human characters interesting. But it’s a fun ride and has a suitably thrilling climax.

DDDD

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011) Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Benedict Cumberbatch, Mark Strong, Tom Hardy, Ciaron Hinds, Toby Jones, John Hurt. Dir: Tomas Alfredson.

A retired spy is tasked with rooting out a spy at the top of MI6. Superbly plotted spy thriller. Successfully condenses a complex novel into a compelling story, focusing on period detail and sense of decline instead of complex backstory, though this does neglect a few in the incredible cast.

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Battle Royale (2000) Tatsuya Fujiwara, Aki Maeda, Taro Yamamoto, Masanobu Ando, Takeshi Kitano. Dir: Kinji Fukasaku.

A class of unruly school kids are taken to an island and forced to fight to the death. Not entirely convinced this isn't exploitation dressed up as dystopian drama. Nevertheless, it's electrifying drama which shows desperate teens as being no different to us, and subject to life’s same disappointments.

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Kill List (2011) Neil Maskell, Michael Smiley, MyAnna Buring, Emma Fryer. Dir: Ben Wheatley.

A retired hitman reluctantly accepts one more contract, but strange things begin to happen. Starts as a domestic drama, evolves into gangster thriller and ends a full-blooded horror. The leads’ gritty performances are superb, but writer/director Wheatley stands out as an up-and-comer to be reckoned with. Not for the squeamish.
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The Saved Hitler's Brain! (1969) Walter Stocker, Audrey Caire, Carlos Rivas, John Holland, Marshall Reed. Dir: David Bradley.

A scientist is kidnapped by Nazis and taken to South America where Hitler’s head still lives. First 20 minutes were shot years later (incompetently) to extend the duration. The remainder takes a simple plot and makes it convoluted, yet still dull. If only Hitler’s hilarious head was on screen more.

D

The Skin I Live In (2011) Antonio Banderas, Elena Anaya, Marisa Paredes, Jan Cornet, Roberto Álamo. Dir: Pedro Almodóvar.

A surgeon keeps a girl prisoner in his home and user her as test substitute for his new enhanced skin. Part Frankenstein, part Eyes Without A Face, but unlike either. It takes its subject completely seriously, avoiding excesses and exploring psychological terror and sexual obsession. An elegant, deeply unsettling experience.

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The Guard (2011) Brendan Gleeson, Don Cheadle, Liam Cunningham, Michael Og Lane, Mark Strong, Fionnula Flanagan. Dir: John Michael McDonagh.

A difficult and eccentric parochial Irish cop must help an FBI agent tracking drug traffickers. A film about disappointment, where no one is quite happy with how life has turned out. Fortunately, the dialogue’s killer and Gleeson absolutely priceless as the loveably corrupt guard. Hilarious melancholy entertainment.

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Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) Bob Hoskins, Christopher Lloyd, Joanna Cassidy, Alan Tilvern, Charles Fleischer, Kathleen Turner, Mel Blanc. Dir: Robert Zemeckis, Richard Williams.

A cartoon character appeals to a down-and-out private eye for help when he’s framed for murder. All the more impressive for its pre-computer animation construction, with Hoskins and Lloyd working wonders. A fitting tribute to the golden age of animation – even if they don’t always get the timing right.

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Word of the Week

2011-09-30T23:22:00.001+01:00

Ort - a scrap or morsel of food left at a meal.

For the Love of Christopher Lee

2011-09-27T23:07:00.002+01:00

I’ve recently finished reading the autobiography of Christopher Lee. Normally I avoid autobiographies, I tend to prefer a more balanced look at the subject; one that’s less likely to be self-serving. Lee’s book, however, is anything but - it’s a very charming read. Lee has an enjoyably drole way of writing, always with the inevitable sigh of impending, and unavoidable trouble.

Told in short chapters, each like an extended anecdote, Lee has led an incredible life. The son of an army officer and an Italian Contessa, he was trained as an RAF pilot in WW2, but had to give it up after blacking-out while mid-flight. He ended up as an intelligence officer, serving in the covert Special Operations Executive.

He only became an actor after a suggestion from a his second-cousin, the Italian Ambassador. He was signed to the Rank Organisation, but was immediately told he was too tall, too dark, and too foreign looking to be an actor.

Today, Lee is the world record holder for most acting roles in films ever - 274 credits - and still counting. In tribute to the great man, here are 10 interesting facts about Christopher Lee and his extraordinary life:

01: Though almost constantly working, a noteable role Lee did turn down was the doctor role in Airplane – the one that would make Leslie Nielson a superstar.

02: Lee was the first person to enter the Vatican Museum after the end of the second of the world war.

03: As a teenager, Lee was a witness at the execution of Eugen Weidmann – the last man to be publicly executed in France by guillotine. Later in life, Lee would also became friends with Albert Pierrepoint – the so-called ‘Last Hangman’ of England. Lee would occasionally drink at his pub.

04: For several years, Lee’s next-door neighbour was Boris Karloff.

05: As a child, Lee’s parents introduced him to Felix Yusupov and Dmitri Pavlovich - the killers of Rasputin. Years later, in 1966, Lee appeared as Rasputin in Rasputin the Mad Monk. Years even later than that, Lee was asked to meet Rasputin’s daughter, who confided to him that he looked uncannily like the mad monk (it was the eyes!).

06: While doing publicity for The Man with the Golden Gun, the Golden Gun was taken off Lee and impounded by US customs.

07: Author Mervyn Peake was a friend of Lee’s sister, and occasionally Lee would meet and talk with Peake in Harrod’s Library. Decades later Lee would appear in the BBC adaptation of Peake’s Gormenghast.

08: After the war, Lee was once propositioned by a rent-boy. He was so shocked he inadvertently pushed the man through a window.

09: While filming a sword fight with Errol Flynn for The Dark Avenger, Flynn almost cut off Lee’s little finger, forever scarring and misshaping it. Years later, a rematch was filmed for Flynn’s TV show. Flynn was supposed to duck while Lee took a swing at him. The swing would go over his head, while lopping the tops off the candles on a candelabra standing behind Flynn. Lee managed the extremely difficult manoeuvre, successfully chopping the candles down. Unfortunately, he also took Flynn’s wig off his head. Flynn walked silently off set. It took over half-an-hour to persuade him it had not been deliberate.

10: Muhammad Ali insisted on meeting Lee, declaring “it really is you, I never thought I’d get to meet you!” He promised Lee Chuck Wepner’s scalp at the upcoming Heavyweight Championship bout. After winning the fight, Ali was asked if he had a message for his fans, he said: “ I won this for them, and for Christopher Lee”. Lee was watching the fights at Hugh Hefner's home alongside such luminaries as porn star Linda Lovelace and OJ Simpson.

Word of the Week

2011-09-21T18:59:00.000+01:00

Slumgullion - a stew of meat, vegetables, potatoes, etc.

Lovely Graffiti

2011-09-18T22:44:00.000+01:00

Word of the Week

2011-09-16T21:10:00.001+01:00

Vexillographer - a person who designs or makes flags.

A Title That Contradicts Itself...

2011-09-14T17:34:00.001+01:00

More bad trailers

2011-09-11T16:39:00.000+01:00

Just remember when you see these, that they were made to actually make you want to watch the movie ...

The Loch Ness Horror

Yes, it truly is horrible.

Gator Bait

Nothing says knife-edge drama like a good ol' fashioned hoedown. She's feral, but with really good hair - and just check out that cry of anger.

Mr Vampire

Legend tells of a montage which makes no sense. I suppose they could be trying to disguise the fact that this martial arts film might be a foreign film, because obviously there are no other clues. I think there's even a vampire in it somewhere.

Tommy and the Cool Mule

I guess there really are some things that Eddie Murphy won't do.

Zone Troopers

Are they inside the spaceship or outside the spaceship? And is there a barn and a cave in the spaceship? And just how big is the spaceship? It does take war to a whole new dimension. One where continuity does not exist.

A*P*E

I appreciate the voiceover's effort, but in all honesty, it kind of looks like you could stroll away from him; this is a monkey who seems to like taking his time. Not sure what the asterisks are about.

Starcrash

Jason and the Argonauts in space! I'm not sure at which point stars actually crash. Warning: containts Hasselhoff, and bizarrely, Christopher Plummer - well, after The Sound of Music it's only right that he should suffer.

Word of the Week

2011-09-10T01:30:00.000+01:00

Agniology - the philosophical study of ignorance.

August Film Highlights

2011-09-05T22:20:00.005+01:00

Visit the 50 Word Film Reviews blog!

Bobby Fischer Against the World (2011) Dir: Liz Garbus.

Fischer beat the Russian champion at chess during the height of the cold war, but began to lose his mind. A very disturbing documentary about a boy who turned to chess to escape his troubled upbringing, only for it to consume. Genius, it seems, really can have a terrible cost.

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Gilda(1946) Rita Hayworth, Glenn Ford, George Macready, Joseph Calleia, Steven Geray. Dir: Charles Vidor.

A gambler's luck changes when he's hired by a casino owner, but then Gilda shows up. An odd mix of noir, psycho drama, romance and spy story - with music numbers. Feels like too many script cooks, but gets by on style, sexual chemistry and by being genuinely quite racy.

DDDD

A Town Called Panic (2009) Jeanne Balibar ,Nicolas Buysse, Véronique Dumont, Bruce Ellison. Dir: Stéphane Aubier, Vincent Patar.

Cowboy and Indian forget Horse’s birthday and accidentally order 50 million bricks before unleashing havoc. A bonkers stop-motion delight, one that takes you on a surreal and imaginative journey at startingly frenetic speed. There’s no logic to it, just enjoy the ride. Though not in English, the voices are hilarious.

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King Kong (1933) Fay Wray, Bruce Cabot, Robert Armstrong, Frank Reicher. Dir: Merian C. Cooper, Ernest B. Schoedsack.

A filmmaker travels to a lost island in hope of filming a legendary beast. Easy to see why this was a knockout in its day. Its sheer scale and the skill of its executed - the terrific animation and staggering sound, along with its sheer relentless brutality, are still breath-taking.

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The Navigator (1924) Buster Keaton, Kathryn McGuire, Noble Johnson, Frederick Vroom. Dir: Buster Keaton, Donald Crisp.

A serious of unlikely events stands Buster and the women he loves are set adrift on board a cruise ship. Buster is a fop out of water in another typically charming comic caper, featuring some of his most ingeniously silly and surreal gags. The diving sequence is a particular delight.

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Safety Last (1923) Harold Lloyd, Mildred Davies, Bill Strother, Noah Young. Dir: Fred C. Newmeyer, Sam Taylor.

A shop assistant’s publicity stunt goes array, and he ends up having to climb the store building himself. Influential silent, the one that introduced dramatic thrills into the comedy mix, and thanks to clever shooting, is still pretty hair-raising today. Crammed full of great gags, there's rarely a dull moment.

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Whisper of the Heart(1995) Brittany Snow, David Gallagher, Ashley Tisdale, Martin Spanjers, Cary Elwes. Dir: Yoshifumi Kondo.

A young girl experiences the first stirrings of romance and discovers her creative calling. A lovely film about growing up and making life changing decisions. It uses the fantastical with such a light touch, it perfectly evokes a feeling of childhood imagination just on the cusp of adolescence. Very touching.

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Arrietty (2011) Saoirse Ronan, Tom Holland, Mark Strong, Olivia Colman. Dir: Hiromasa Yonebayashi.

Studio Ghibli does The Borrowers – a tiny girl and her family’s lives are threatened when she’s seen by a boy moving into the house above their hair. Ghibli’s most endearing heroine yet? Their attention to detail beautifully brings the vast, and sometimes hostile, miniature world to life. Another animated classic.

DDDDD

2011-09-01T10:58:00.002+01:00

Two more text messages and a letter from Sky asking me to contact them about my installation - I've never known such proactive incompetence.

Word of the Week

2011-08-30T20:50:00.001+01:00

somniloquence - The act of talking in one's sleep; somniloquism.

Revenge of the Theatre Round-Up

2011-08-24T20:34:00.009+01:00

Three more trips to the theatre? How desperately decadent of me...

One Man, Two Guvnors – at The National Theatre

One Man, Two Guvnors is a bit of old-fashioned vaudeville, nostalgic not just in its setting, but as a piece of traditional knock-about farce.

The plot is highly convoluted, but revolves essentially around a doomed marriage. A small time crook’s daughter was supposed to marry a local gangster, but as he turned up dead, a hasty engagement has been arranged between her and a terrible actor. But suddenly the gangster’s man, Henshaw, TV’s James Corden, shows up, revealing that his boss is not dead. He arrives a moment, later demanding the marriage be put back on, and that the girl’s father pays him the dowry promised.

The gangster is staying at a Brighton pub, where his man Corden waits for him. There he meets a post-public school toff, who’s waiting to meet his girl, but could do with a man to do odd jobs for him. Corden, who’s poor and hungry, accepts the job, and spends the rest of the play serving both his masters while trying to conceal his dual employment from the other. Unknown to him, his gangster boss is the toff’s girlfriend in disguise; she’s the twin of the gangster who has been killed. And unknown to her, the toff is the one who did it.

Yes it is confusing, but that doesn’t really matter. It’s quite a traditional mix of situations and characters (the dumb bimbo, the appalling actor) but carried off with great enthusiasm. The script packs the gags in, missing few opportunities for comic quips and tomfoolery. And the cast are clearly enjoying themselves, frequently having to grimace to avoid severe corpsing. Rumour has it that they had to be disciplined for improvising too much and causing overruns – and you can believe it, things did go on longer than suggested.

While the character scenes are fun, it’s the extended slapstick sequences with Corden that really light up the room. Corden is remarkably nimble - at one point he throws a chocolate in the air falls backward over a chair and manages to catch it in his mouth.

He also involves the audience in his antics, several times calling upon members to step up and get involved, adding an extra hint of danger to proceedings. The scene in which he attempts to serve food to both his masters, while scoffing half the food himself, trying to get help from a trembling decrepit old waiter (who falls victim to all kinds of violent calamities), and while tormenting a member of the audience who he forces to hold his stolen food and then hides on stage in humiliating places. It is such an incredibly well constructed and timed piece of anarchy that it’s exhaustingly hilarious.

Of course the audience got its chance to confuse and confound Corden too. While he begs the audience for a sandwich, anything to eat, he’s caught off guard by someone who has a spare sandwich in the front row. He hesitates at taking it in hysterics (it’s a hummus sandwich after all) commenting that it had to happen eventually.

The second half isn’t quite as good, as it mostly deals with pulling together the plot, reducing the opportunities for comic knock-about. But it’s easy to see why One Man has been such a massive success. It’s so good natured, so cheerfully bright, and pulled off with such fervour, it could only take the mostly defiantly sour soul to come out with anything but a smile on their face and a chest aching from sides-a-split.

One Man, Two Guvnors is transferring to the West End in November, with the original cast, and will be touring the country in the New Year.

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead – at the Theatre Royal Haymarket.

Comfort is very important in theatre land – it’s hard to get absorbed by a performance when you’re constantly shuffling around in your seat. Now cheap seats are cheap seats but the not-especially low priced seats at the Theatre Royal Haymarket (£20) do not seem naturally designed for the human derriere. Imagine a church pew, but with significantly less surface area and virtually no padding and minimal leg room. And worse, there is a gap between the base and the back, so if you stretch you prod the person in front in the back with your toes.

Fortunately, after the interval, the afflicted were able to move into empty seats on the next level, although these were not especially good either. By normal standards these would be the cheap seats, except they’re not very cheap (£38); I shalln’t be coming back here unless it’s a really special production.

If any kind of play requires you to be in comfort and to relax, it’s an existential one – it’s not like you’ll be gripped by the action. Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead takes two supporting characters from Hamlet and focuses the story around them – only that is doesn’t; all the action still revolves around Hamlet, while Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are constantly on the sidelines, constantly baffled and unsure about what’s going on around them.

Not only do they not understand what’s going on, they also sort of know that they’re supporting characters, people of little significance – pawns in a large plan. And they’re not sure they like it. Do they go along with it all, see out their fate? Or do they try to change it, or do the unthinkable, and simply walk away?

It’s a smart idea, and it’s often very funny. It’s just that at two and a half hours, it’s hardly gripping. The actors are funny, their metaphysical conundrums smart and often witty, but it’s hard to really engage with it all. The conversation moves so quickly from one theme to the next, it’s hard to keep up and it’s not like you can root for either of the leads, because they’re not really full characters. Of course that’s part of the joke (not even they remember which one of them is Rosencrantz and which one is Guildenstern), but that doesn’t make up for a lack of emotive connectivity.

A non-traditional narrative is all very well, but there’s only so long you can keep it up before the lack of structure becomes a problem. Though the idea gives way to much discussion and postulating, it’s still quite a simple one, one that can only stretch so far. When at one point the more weedy and effeminate of the two screams what he wouldn’t give for some definitive action, the audience sort of thinks, well actually yes, that would be nice. We get a brief pirate fight.

The ending is rather sad – after all, who amongst hasn’t ever felt powerless against a tide of events beyond our control? But it’s a long journey, and not one for those who detest a numb backside and a bent back.

Betrayal at The Comedy Theatre

Now in stark contrast to the back-breaking, wallet-exploiting seatery of the Haymarket, was the incredible value of The Comedy Theatre, where a sensible £8 was charged for seats with a view restricted by a narrow pillar. Rather a bargain, as it was not difficult to see around anyway. Better yet, the seat next to it was never taken, so I hopped across and got a superb view of the action.
Betrayal is a Harold Pinter play about a woman who has a long-standing affair with her husband’s best friend. But the trick is that it all happens in reverse, well, almost – the years roll back, but events that take place in each year occur chronologically.

The play starts in a pub, with the wonderful Kristen-Scott Thomas as Emma sitting together with Jerry, two years after their affair has ended. They are at a pub apparently, although a bed is visible in the background, and is throughout the story, a constant nagging reminder of the tawdry. Emma’s marriage to Robert finally seems to be over. Jerry is horrified to discover that Emma has finally revealed their affair to Robert. But the truth is even worse: when he later meets Robert he discovers that Emma has lied; Robert has known for four years, well before the affair ended.

Then the clock ticks back and we see how events took them to this place. Jerry and Emma rent a flat to meet in secret, and decorate it together as if they lived there as a real couple. Robert discovers their affair when Jerry sends Emma a letter while they are holidaying in Italy. He confronts her angrily, yet later continues to treat Jerry cordially, as if there is no change. Although they no longer play squash from that point on – a classic Pinter joke on human eccentricity.

Pinter plays tend not to pass judgements on characters, but offer an investigation and insight into human behaviour. The reverse chronology allows for a piece by piece assembly of the story, one which cleverly reveals the character’s behaviour in a new light. Robert is unlikeable when we first meet him, he evens states that he sometimes hits Emma – though we never see it (is it posturing?). And he has also confessed to having had affairs.

But as the clock turns back, and post their confrontation, he comforts his wife when Jerry reveals he will be away, meaning of course that she cannot see him. She is heartbroken that the affair will have to come to an end (although it doesn’t) and yet he comforts her. He is forgiving, and we can only assume that the passing years drive him bitter. The fact he never confronts Jerry is less an act of Machiavellian cruelty or cowardess, but to spare her humiliation. Though the least likeable, he may be the most wronged against.

Emma seems to be in love with the early thrills and fancies of a relationship, the free and easy casual days of romance, before the mundanities and inconveniences of life get in the way. She lives a fantasy home life with Jerry away from her real home life with Robert.

And then Jerry… Of all of them his attitude seems the most casual and laissez-faire, the most unconcerned with guilt (until Robert confronts him). Yet at the very beginning of the affair, he is a man of romance and passion. He may ultimately be the most cynical of all, and the most disappointed with life. He is ironically the most likeable, even though his crimes are equal to Emma’s. He is married too, but his wife is never seen and barely spoken of.

Betrayal is a thoughtful, believable and intelligent play, and is extremely well performed by the cast. It has no easy answers; none of the three are condemned, if anything we feel sorry for all of them. Betrayal is as much about getting older as it is betraying, with no one quite getting what they thought they wanted, and with the years passing by, feeling more and more unfulfilled. And of course putting together all the non-chronological pieces of the puzzle adds an additional touch of entertainment.

Word of the Week

2011-08-20T22:51:00.002+01:00

Suppurates - to produce or discharge pus, as a wound; maturate.

I was encouraged to look this word up by Mark E. Smith in the song "The League of Bald Headed Men".

Sky: Believe in Bulls**t

2011-08-18T21:51:00.004+01:00

I've had the misfortune of dealing with a number of stupefyingly incompetent and not-give-a-s**t companies, but Sky… they are in a league of their own.

Tempted by the possibility of getting some M&S vouchers, I called them up to see if I could get a better deal than I get with Virgin.

I was on the phone with a seemingly helpful operator, and after talking a while I got a package which wouldn’t save me money, but it would get me quite a bit more for my money.

All seemed fine, really fine – they’d even managed to book installation on a day I was already planning on taking off. Everything seemed perfect. Seemed.

A day later I receive a text message. It asks me to call Sky because there’s a problem with my order. So I phone them to find out what’s going on. That's when the fun began.

Virgin don't like to give up their phone numbers - to get Sky I need a BT line, and with that a brand new number. That's fine with me, but there might be a charge. Naturally I wasn't keen on that, but Sky can waiver the charge, and I get transferred to someone who can apparently do that for me.

Except that I’m not transferred to someone who can sort that out for me. I get transferred to someone who doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

3 transfers later, I finally speak to a woman who says she can sort it out, but she would need to get someone to call me back as she’s not authorised to put through the transaction. I will hear back from them tomorrow at the latest.

Did they call me back? No they did not. A week goes by and I call up for a second time. A man explains the problem to me again but this time the cost of correcting it has now gone up by £40.

He apologises and says Sky will pay for it, but again, he will have to get someone else to process the transaction as he’s not authorised to do it. Someone will have to call me back. They will call me back by tomorrow at the latest.

Did they call me back? No they did not. Another week passes and I give them a very aggravated phone call. A disarmingly polite man answers (don't you just hate it when that happens?); he tries to explain the problem to me again, but I quickly butt in and explain that I know what the damn problem is, I just need them to actually do something about it.

He apologises in his best sincere voice, this problem’s never happened before. He’s never even heard of anything like it happening before.

But of course the isaue still remains – he can’t process the transaction himself and will need to get someone else to do it. They will need to call me back. He promises, that absolutely, someone will call me back tomorrow latest. He’ll leave a note; someone will definitely call me back.

Did they call me back? I sense you’re noticing a pattern here - I sure as hell noticed one. I thought to myself, maybe there’s something amiss with their computer system. Whoever’s inbox ought to get the message saying I needed to be contacted, wasn’t getting it. So I thought I’d email them instead as an experiment.

I emailed their customer services and left a rather angry message, threatening that I might cancel my order. I got an automated email to say that they’d received my email and would respond within 48 hours.

Did they email me back? Did they f**k. Weeks have gone by and there’s been no response. So I pick up the phone now approaching four weeks since the problem came up and start angrily shouting at some guy insisting that the problem be resolved right now, or else I’m going back to Virgin.

I spent a long time on hold. Eventually, he got back to me to say that he was going to reprocess my order. Finally, it seemed like I was getting somewhere. Or was I?

There was, of course, one snag. After eventually reading me the full set of terms and conditions, I noticed he was mentioning nominated times for installation.

Now I thought I’d arranged this for the day I’d conveniently already booked off. But because of the problems and delay, they can’t guarantee that they can get it installed all on the same day.

So I hit the roof – this isn’t acceptable, I’d already had a day set aside, now because of their incompetence I’m going to be further inconvenienced.

But what’s more, is that this guy can’t confirm a day and time with me now. Guess what? He’s going to have to get someone else to call me to arrange a date. They’ll get back to me tomorrow latest, blah, blah, blah. I warm him, if no one gets back to me this time, that’s it, I’m quitting.

Did they call me back? Do bears defecate in dense forest areas? All I get, days later, is a text saying they’ve arranged a date for me – thanks for consulting me you stupid useless b******s!

I call up again one more time (this isn’t a Freephone number I’m calling by the way) I angrily tell some guy the whole tale, and in a surprising act of honesty, he admits that this stuff happens all the time, far too often, he completely understands why I want to quit.

Of course he doesn’t cancel my order himself, he transfers me to someone else who makes me explain the whole thing again. He makes a pathetic attempt to try and make me happy, but the only thing I’m interested in is massive discounts – that’s what I really want. He doesn’t offer one, so I tell em to shove it.

So I stuck with Virgin. This whole scenario may seem like a tragic waste of time, but I did thankfully manage to use Sky’s stupidity to my advantage.

You see, while all this was going on, they sent me £50 of M&S vouchers. Cheers Sky.

They’ve also sent me a broadband router, more than a week after I cancelled my order. I’ll perhaps wait a week or two to see if they ask for it back and then see how much they go for on eBay.

And if all this wasn’t enough to convince you that Sky are incompetent to an unbelievable degree, I got actually got a phone call from them this last Monday. Well, not from them exactly, but from an engineer. He was on his way over to install my new phone line and wondered if I was home now to let him in.

He was annoyed when I told him that I had long ago cancelled my order. Yet… he did not sound so surprised…

Word of the Week

2011-08-13T17:11:00.001+01:00

Flews - the large, pendulous sides of the upper lip of certain dogs, such as bloodhounds.

July Film Highlights

2011-08-07T15:33:00.004+01:00

The 50 Word Film Reviews blog demands your readership.

Basil, the Great Mouse Detective (1986) Barrie Ingham, Val Bettin, Vincent Price, Susanne Pollatschek, Candy Candido. Dir: Ron Clements, Burny Mattinson, Dave Michener, John Musker.

When a girl's father is kidnapped she seeks help from the world's greatest detective. The character designs and their voices are wonderful, but there's no one to identify with and the real plot arrives too late. Hard not to like though and there's pioneering CGI in the climax.

DDDD

Senna (2010) Dir: Asif Kapadia.

The rise, success and tragedy end of F1 champion Aryton Senna. Enthralling documentary that constructs a narrative through only archive footage so you really see events as they unfolded. Unsurprisingly has pro-Senna bias, but ably demonstrates who he was and his impact in a way that engages even non-face fans.

DDDDd

Dracula (1959) Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Michael Gough, Melissa Stribling. Dir: Terence Fisher.

When Jonathan Harker dies trying to kill Dracula, Van Helsing fears Harker’s beloved will be next. Hammer’s adaptation does away with gothic shadows, and swaps them for watercolour shades, emphasis on red. With a strong pacey storyline, it’s not gothic or spooky, but does make for an entertaining raunchy romp.

DDDDd

The Lady Vanishes (1938) Margerat Lockwood, Michael Redgrave, Paul Lukas, May Whitty, Naunton Wayne, Basil Radford. Dir; Alfred Hitchcock.

No one believes a woman when she claims an old lady has disappeared, because she has had a blow on the head. Next to North By Northwest, Lady Vanishes is Hitchcock’s most delightfully entertaining film. The dialogue is cracking, the plot enthralling, and the cast absolutely superb. Terrific fun!

DDDDD

Pom Poko (1994) Maurice LaMarche, Jonathan Weiss, Tress MacNeille, J. K. Simmons, Tress MacNeille. Dir: Isao Takahata.

Japan’s raccoons attempt to prevent urban development with a mixture of mischief and sabotage. A clever and funny preservation fable; we destroy natural habitats, but relate also to the lazy raccoons initial complacency that allows it to happen. There’s a lulls in the downcast seconds half, but it’s frequently hysterical.

DDDD

Submarine (2011) Craig Roberts, Yasmin Paige, Sally Hawkins, Paddy Constantine, Noah Taylor. Dir: Richard Ayoade.

Teenage Oliver Tate must learn how to handle his first girlfriend and his parent’s marital problems. Wittier than your average teen flick; this endearing look at lives on the precipice of adulthood thankfully steers clear of the tedious teen sex romp clichés and is directed with energy and creativity by actor Ayoade.

DDDDd

The Garbage Pail Kids (1987) Anthony Newley, Mackenzie Astin, Phil Fondacaro, Katie Barbari. Dir: Rod Amateau.

A kid knocks over a magic garbage pail and releases the Garbage Pail Kids. Monsterous goblin like creatures who spit, vomit, piss and wave knives – how the hell anyone thought this could be appropriate for kids is unimaginable. Repulsive, incompetent and mind-bogglingly mis-judged; it’s the stuff of nightmares!

d

Super (2010) Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Liv Tyler, Kevin Bacon. Dir: James Gunn

When his wife leaves him for a drug dealer, a cook starts fighting crime as the Crimson Bolt. Tone varies jarringly from oddball silliness, to dark comedy, with irritating indie movie clichés. The end which brings positives out of carnage is preposterous. A shame - Wilson and Page are terrific.

DDD

Word of the Week

2011-08-04T20:24:00.002+01:00

Acetabuliform - An ornamental phrase of several notes sung to one syllable of text, as in plainsong or blues singing.

If You Think You've Had It Bad On The Trains

2011-08-01T18:14:00.005+01:00

I've just come back home via East Croydon station. Fortunately, that's my stop. Unfortunately, for those going further south, things have been pretty, pretty bad.

A burst water main is preventing any trains from passing through. Replacement Bus Services are being arranged to take people past South Croydon. A distance of less than 5 miles. This is the queue....

This is where it starts, just 'round the corner from the station:

This is it going further down the round...

...and further....

... Now 'round the corner...

...'Round the corner onto another street...

...now down another street...

...and further...

And to the end.

According to Google Maps, that's a queue of half a mile. If you were going to Gatwick to get a flight... Well you'd pretty much have to forget it wouldn't you? Good old rail network, fit for purpose as always...

Things I've Enjoyed: Justified

2011-07-31T21:46:00.005+01:00

It's always good to see a cop show which resists the standard shows formulas. A show that's not built around a gimmick or takes place somewhere where a cop show hasn't been set yet. One of the real pleasures of Justified is that it's not interested in be ing another procedural drama, and its writers seem keen to defy your expectations whenever possible.

On paper it could so easily be another "fish out of water" concept. Raylon Givens is an old school lawman whose habit of committing "justified" homicides gets him into trouble in LA. So they ship him off to the real frontier - the country sticks of Kentucky, where he rapidly gets into hot water with the local redneck mafia.

Fortunately, Justified is adapted from a story by acclaimed crime author Elmore Leonard (Get Shorty, LA Confidential). Givens isn't arriving in Kentucky, he's coming home. And his family are already part of the redneck mafia - and he's been in trouble with them for years.

His old school friend Boyd is now a white supremacist who blows up black churches with his army bazooka (he's less racist, more in to intimidating competition). His ex high school squeeze Ava has just shot her husband dead - he was Boyd's brother. And Givens' father used to work for Boyd's father, the local crime kingpin, and he owes him lots of money.

Justified is not so much about crime investigation and more focused on the nature justice, which in these poor rural counties is something of a rarity. Crime isn't just a way of life, it's a steady form of employment. To grow pot is to be part of a family business. The wives of dealers and thugs look at their husbands as working men, not as dealers and thugs. They're poor - you never see a school or a thriving local business (not a legal one anyway), no one gets out of this world, even Raylon got sent back.

The fact that most of the redneck thugs aren’t too bright adds an extra touch of bitter amusement, although it doesn't make them any less dangerous. What they lack in book smarts, they make up with violence and animal cunning. Boyd may have barely finished high school, but that doesn’t make him any less dangerous or ruthless. Or at least until Raylon shoots him - then he supposedly reforms, but you never really know what game he's playing.

Timothy Olyphant plays Marshall Givens, having already showed that he can play an angry lawman in Deadwood. But unlike the barely suppressed rage of Sheriff Bullock, Givens’ anger is much more repressed. His demeanour is always calm, even when he’s a split second away from putting a bullet in your chest. He’s handsome and he knows it, using his looks to charm his way around enemies and friends alike, something that rubs at least one of his colleagues up the wrong way.

And that's another enjoyable aspect to Justified - there's no taking turns between characters for the weekly storyline. Supporting character stories might rub up against Givens' arc, but in the way that other people’s problems might brush up against your own life. You may get involved, pulled in even, but you've got your own problems to worry about.

Justified is a pleasing case of serial storytelling, rather than a "this week's case" type of procedural, made more for casual viewers than weekly viewers. There are weekly plots, but they're usually played as they are, as an inconvenience to the main characters, something that distracts them from the things they'd much rather be doing. Rather than the other way round.

And the storylines are usually very good. Stories are written deliberately to defy your expectations, when you think you know what's going on, something almost always takes you by surprise. And elements of stories that seem incidental or irrelevant come back to mean something later; things connect up in ways you don't expect. One week a character may be incidental to the plot, then suddenly they're corrupt and have being up to something completely different all along. It's these little twists and turns and details that make this world real, but are largely missing from "case of the week" serials.

That's not to say that the show is perfect. A recurring plot during the first season which sees Raylon pursued by assassins sent by an LA drug lord never convinces and perhaps in recognition of its faults is later swept rapidly under the carpet. There's at least one lame character - Raylon's ex-wife's husband - who's the typical slimy second husband type, and it's even harder in this case to believe he wrestled the wife of Timothy Olyphant away.

Not that Raylon is perfect; he's not one of those TV detectives who carries his pain on the rasp of his voice. But he's determined to impose justice on a world, and a past of injustice. And he's not all that bothered about whether the law is on his side or not.

Like the other town's folk, he works on instinct. Sometimes we like seeing him put the villains down, other times his judgement is clearly off. He spares little time jumping into bed with Ava, despite her being a witness (though not difficult to see why). His rule breaking forever digs him into deeper holes, to the point where even his friends desert him. He's devoted to justice but has little respect for the law.

He also gets his ass handed to him a couple of time. It’s not many shows that let their main character get a sound beating; they’re only allowed to be weak in times of crisis, not just when they make a daily misjudgement.

Justified has completed its second series and is geared up for a third. How long it can keep up its talent for surprises while trying to find new redneck mafiosa for our hero to deal with is hard to say. At the moment, however, you'll struggle to find more entertaining morality play on TV.

Word of the Week

2011-07-28T15:46:00.003+01:00

Pagination - the number of pages or leaves of a book or manuscript, etc.

And in at number 5...

2011-07-24T13:44:00.005+01:00

Although involving "her" sort of taints it...

See the original page here...

From Dave's News Place - iObey to be launched before Christmas

2011-07-17T22:35:00.003+01:00

Click to enlarge...

Theatre Round-Up

2011-07-10T18:32:00.007+01:00

I've never been to the theatre often enough to have a round-up, but as I've been to two plays in one week, now seems like a good enough time to have one.

Ghost Stories at the Duke of York Theatre

There is ultimately something very cosy and old fashioned about Ghost Stories. The marketing may gleefully play on extremities – a video nasty style orgy of horror that is not advised for “those of a nervous disposition”; a performance that has “even the most hardened of viewers gasping for breath and reaching for their coats to hide behind”.

But behind the William Castle-esque chicanery, its really a more familiar scenario, one that’s more inspired by the 60s and 70s horror anthology – horror with humour and tongue in cheek.

It certainly sets itself up as being relentless, heart-stopping experience. The walls of the Duke of York Theatre are distorted to seem like the passages of a dark excavated cavern, draped with yellow and black caution tape. As the lights go down we are informed that we will not be allowed re-entry during the performance.

The set-up is a mock lecture, in which a professor explains the evolution of the ghost story, and how easily we can be made to believe in fantastical phenomena. Only 3 stories he has ever heard have defied explanation – these are the 3 we will hear tonight.

The first story builds up the suspense almost unbearably; a night watchman goes through his mundane duties against darkness and silence. He ambles around doing nothing for such a long time – the audience waiting on-edge for the shock occurrence that must come.

But when it does, it's very much a-la-Hitchcock; it provokes as much laughter as it does terror – the man’s torch gliding over a large doll/mannequin totally exaggerated in its grotesqueness as to be a bit silly. Not that when it gets up and starts walking that it’s not a bit unsettling.

This sets up the tone of the rest of the show, a blend of shocks and scares mixed with giggles and laughter – it’s hard to be too frightened when a gigantic plastic demon desceneds from the ceiling – not it doesn't make you jump.

Ghost Stories is really charmingly familiar as it unfolds, right up to the surprise ending in which our host not unexpectedly relives his own personal horror. One wonders if the extreme angle of the marketing has actually done the play a disservice - Ghost Stories is really a lot of fun, a refreshingly nostalgic stab at horror, rather than a visceral pushing of heart-attack inducing boundaries.

The Government Inspector at the Voung Vic Theatre

Nikolai Gogol’s 19th century satire is no less appropriate today as it was when it was written. A corrupt major and his cronies are horrified that a government inspector is coming to the town, incognito. In the flurry of activity to hide their own abuses of power they discover a wealthy stranger is staying in the local inn and is running up a tab which he insists will be paid by his superiors.

The wealthy stranger is in fact a spoilt young fop who has lost all his money at cards and is having to blag to even get dishwater soup and stale beef. He soon exploits the craven grovelling of the major, and after much consumption paints himself to be one of the most powerful men in Russia. The major is panicked that he is done for, and he and his officials give the man hundreds in “loans” while he seduces the major's wife and daughter.

The Mighty Boosh’s Julian Barrett is good as the nervous spineless major, but even better is Doon Mackican as his classless nouveau riche wife who gets to deliver such golden lines as “I j’adored it”. Perhaps stealing the show is Kyle Foller as the camp faux inspector who manages to be the most over the top in a thoroughly OTT show. Looking a bit like Doctor Who’s Matt Smith, if were to play Batman’s The Joker, he deftly delivers tremendously epic monologues whilst dancing across the stage and climbing the furniture.

In a show that has its fair share of terrific dialogue - “oh my god, the church – we forgot to build a church!” - one of the elements that stands out is the constant choreography; the constant synchronised movements of the large ensemble cast. There’s almost too much to look at, from servants covertly filling up glasses to the incompetent seductress strutting ridiculously for attention.

Some of the more surreal moments don’t always come off, and some of the scenes could do with a little trimming. But overall The Government Inspector is a thoroughly delightful frantic bit of comedy that despite its age and eccentric presentation never feels too far from reality.

2011-07-08T14:54:00.001+01:00

My favourite quote regarding the News of the World scandal:

From the BBC:

"A number of suited men, thought to be police officers, entered Mr Coulson's south London home with large plastic crates at about 1200 BST"

Better hope so, or Coulson's just had his house burgled.

June Film Highlights

2011-07-02T16:26:00.003+01:00

Read the 50 World Film Reviews blog. Go on...Read it!

Burke & Hare (2010) Simon Pegg, Andy Serkis, Isla Fisher, Tom Wilkinson, Jessica Hynes, Tim Curry, Ronnie Corbett. Dir: John Landis.

Two Scots come up with a novel way to fulfil the demand for bodies for surgical dissection. Considering the talent involved, it should be a lot better than it is. Seems reluctant to make comedy out of the deliciously dark subject and settles for familiar gags. Pleasant, but not exceptional.

DDD

The Stuff (1985) Michael Moriarty, Garrett Morris, Andrea Marcovicci, Paul Sorvino. Dir: Larry Cohen.

A corporate saboteur investigates a new food craze, which turns out to be more than just addictive. Low budget comedy horror which isn’t that horrific or that funny. The concept is fun, and there’s some enjoyable digs at consumerism. It’s just not particularly memorable for being particularly good or particularly bad.

DDD

Source Code (2011) Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Monaghan, Vera Farmiga, Jeffrey Wright. Dir: Duncan Jones.

A soldier repeatedly relives the last 8 minutes of a man on a bombed train until he can find the bomber. It’s always good to see intelligent sci-fi. Not perfect – the characters aren’t interesting, and some tension is forced – but at 90 mins it’s taut and keeps you invested.

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Dr Terror’s House of Horrors (1965) Peter Cushing, Chistopher Lee, Donald Sutherland, Neil McCallum, Alan Freeman, Roy Castle, Michael Gough, Ann Bell. Dir: Freddie Francis.

A Doctor predicts grisly futures for five commuters after giving them a tarot reading. You couldn’t call it scary, but this horror anthology does have great moments of eccentricity and wit, as well as an excellent cast. Lee and Gough’s segment as critic and artist rivals is a highlight.

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Z (1969) Jean-Louis Trintignant, Yves Montand, Irene Papas, Jacques Perrin. Dir: Costa Gravas.

An attack on a communist senator leads a prosecutor to discover a government conspiracy. Greek thriller that makes no pretence at being fictional. Has fun sending up the ridiculous double-standards of the suppressors, but this only makes their ruthless actions more devastating. Drags in places, but otherwise very compelling viewing.

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Nine (2009) Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cottilard, Penelope Cruz, Judy Dench, Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman, Sophia Loren. Dir: Rob Marshall.

A director has an identity crisis as he starts work on his ninth film, which has no script. Musical remake of 8½, where everything is spelt out in a big showtune. It’s song, scene, song, scene but seems disconnected and largely frivolous. Considering the talent involved, it’s a real disappointment.

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Hannibal Rising (2007) Gaspard Ulliel, Gong Li, Dominic West, Rhys Ifans. Dir: Peter Webber.

How Hannibal Lector went insane and became a cannibalistic killer. Totally unconvincing, not least because Hannibal is mute for the first quarter, and then is suddenly the cultured psycho we know. Script is inept and dialogue becomes steadily more painful. And did you know Hannibal was part samurai? Utter rubbish.

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Is This a Joke?

2011-06-22T21:21:00.006+01:00

Or did they just not realise that their names sounded a little bit sweary?

Either way, I'm not sure I'll be choosing them to do any building work, just to be on the safe side.

My First Opera

2011-06-13T18:30:00.009+01:00

Going to see an opera was something I was keen to do while living in the capital, but it was a fairly non-commital target. Then I heard Terry Gilliam was going to direct one for the English National Opera, and suddenly my level of interest peaked.

I procrastinated a while; should I really be going to an opera just because a movie director is working on it? Bit of a vulgar things to do perhaps. But any reservations I had were quickly dispelled, however, when I saw the large poster outside Waterloo station, and thought to myself, I really would regret missing this.

Recruiting big name directors is part of the the English National Opera' ongoing quest over the last few years to encourage more people to visit the opera. Largely they've been successful although abbreviating their name to ENO is probably a little irritating to their old crowd.

As an introduction to opera, however, The Damnation of Faust was maybe not the best choice. It’s considered not to be a traditional opera, because it has long musical interludes which push it towards being more of a chamber piece (or so I’ve read). But I was nevertheless, curious to the point of excitement; Gilliam knows how to create a visual spectacular, and a tale of a man seduced by the devil was bound to give him plenty of creative leg-room.

And of course it’s set in Nazi Germany, a typical place to stage an early 19th century opera... This could really be interesting…

I could tell that I was not the only one lured to the opera by the promise of a full on Gilliam-fest. There were a number of student trendies amongst the well turned out spectacle wearing middle-class regulars and young debutante couples. It was the cheap seats for me (naturally) at the top of the rather pompously named London Coliseum. But, hell, it’s a stunning venue, a place with the full grandeur one would expect of an opera house. Alas, it also has the restrictive leg room of a traditional stage.

The play opens with a short monologue by Mephisto, the only addition to Berlioz’s original piece. The devil fiendishly invites us to watch him at his work. “For there is always a Faust”, and that Mein Kampf translates into “my struggle…”

My one main worry about seeing an opera was whether I would be able to understand it. That unique mixture of sung dialogue and traditional song, from what little exposure I had had to it, had been a little hard to digest. Would I be able to understand it all and grasp what was going on? I knew about the Faust legend, but there are so many iterations of it, this one could be very different.

But to my surprise, I found that the whole thing was subtitled! A little electronic screen above the stage reproduced all the lyrics (with occasional blips).

I must admit to not being sure what to make of this. It did mean that I always knew what was being said, but it also meant that I couldn’t sit and listen to the singers without looking at it. I couldn't really train my ear to the singing, because as a crutch, it was always there to lean on. I would really have liked to have tried without it. Although it was useful for the sections with multiple singers, which were hard to decipher. And without it, I might have struggled in vein with one section, before realising it was in latin!

So what to make of this particular opera? A 19th century work against 20th century Nazi backgrounds. In some ways the match seemed eerily prescient. Faust, whose soul-searching (his struggle) is preyed upon by the demonic Mephistopheles, and taken to a Munich beer hall where drunken revellers tell stories; an attempt to introduce the title character to the pleasures of indulgence.

A fat German soldier sings a song about a rat in a kitchen living the high life until being treated to poison. Then Mephistopheles sings a song about a flea above his station in a royal court, whose family then causes an infestation. They then proceed to attack a Jewish waiter violently.

The design work as you might imagine is striking. From visions of Germanic divinity to Bauhaus inspired street corners, soon defiled by kristallnacht revelries - from start to finish it is consistently a visual feast.

And the voices... I can’t judge them against other opera singers (I don’t know any) but these are powerful performances. The kind that could knock you over if you stood too close to them. It is the female lead who leaves the most lasting impression. Faust’s idealised vision of beauty, tricked by Mephistopheles into falling in love with her; her sweet tones are mesmerising, and tragic. She is the victim of the peace – Faust is naive and foolish, but only she is innocent, a pawn in the devil’s plan.

But it’s the end that leaves a really lasting impression. Faust is caught with his love, Marguerite, and is spirit away by Mephistopheles. Defiled by a man who is not her husband, the townsfolk condemn Marguerite (the visual sub-text is that he is pure German, and she Jewish). She is taken to a concentration camp, while Faust ends up where he began in the wilderness. Mephistopheles has done all that he intends to do for him, at least for free.

Faust hastily agrees to sign his soul to the devil to save her. He and Mephistopheles mount a pair of mighty steeds (a motorcycle and sidecar) and ride swiftly to her rescue. But Faust sees dark and disturbing images as they race forth (the passing scenery is projected onto a mesh in front of them). Suddenly there is a crash. Faust flies over the handle bars and lands, quite literally, straight into hell - through a trap door spewing red light and smoke.

In Hades he is wrapped in a straight jacket, then stretched and nailed to a swastika. As he is hoisted away, the devil and his minions dance and celebrate his damnation. But Mephistopheles is true to his word; in the concentration camp Marguerite lies atop of a pile of naked corpses and her soul is accepted into heaven and she is forgiven.

It’s a humdinger of a climax.

Damnation of Faust might not be most natural choice for a first trip to the opera, but as an introduction to the power of the medium, it was second to none. It was unashamedly huge, melodramatic, and above all, elegant. Grandiose, without ever seeming excessive or over the top. It did big in a way that I’ve never seen in a theatre; a real, elevating articulate spectacle.

Of course the success of this particular production owes a lot to Gilliam’s smart idea to parallel Faust’s naive corruption with the corruption of Germany. And huge kudos must go to his team for realising his vision so well, and to the performers for bringing it across so beautifully.

Of course it’s not a traditional opera. And I doubt many other works are based in Nazi Germany either. A different production might turn out to be less appealing – in all honesty it was a little difficult to grasp all the different literary and mythological references in the dialogue, and some of the artistic eccentricities of the medium.

But I was captivated. It was a powerful piece of work, even if I couldn’t absorb all of the details. Yes, I think I’ll be trying opera again at some point. Perhaps a more classical work, one without all the vast visual delights – something a little more stripped back. Then we’ll see quite how much I get this new (to me) medium. Because right now, I really can’t wait to go again.

And in at Number 4...

2011-06-11T00:55:00.005+01:00

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Full story here.

May Film Highlights

2011-06-04T21:17:00.006+01:00

Read the 50 Word Film Reviews blog won't you now.

The Great White Silence(1925) Dir: Herbert Ponting.

Documentary by Herbert Ponting using his footage of Scott’s fateful journey to the South Pole. An incredible visual account, with visuals that inspire, bedazzle and haunt. An impressive restoration by the BFI with a disquieting new score, it’s an incredible journey into history and an almost alien landscape. Very special.

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The Devil's - Director's Cut(1971) Oliver Reed, Vanessa Redgrave, Dudley Sutton, Gemma Jones, Michael Gothard, Murray Melvin. Dir: Ken Russell.
Review No.304

The church uses the erotic delusions of a nun to rid themselves of a troublesome promiscuous priest. Flamboyant and wild experience, one that goes to surreal lengths to mock the hypocrisies of the church, though when it comes to the consequences, it’s unremittingly brutal. Controversial and very powerful – Reed especially.

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The Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec(2011) Louise Bourgoin, Mathieu Almaric, Gilles Lellouche, Jean-Paul Rouve. Dir : Luc Besson.

A adventuring writer tries to revive a mummy but ends up hunting a pterodactyl in paris. Part Indiana Jones, part Night at the Museum – superior to the latter, equal to the former. Terrific comic book caper that takes unadulterated pleasure in adventure. Just suspend your disbelief and enjoy the ride.

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Pandora's Box(1929) Louise Brooks, Fritz Kortner, Francis Lederer, Carl Goetz. Dir: G.W. Pabst.

An uninhibited call-girl becomes the ruin of the men, and women, who desire her. Film’s most famous hair-cut. Astonishingly raunchy German silent. A striking portrayal of an age of decadence, with Brooks superb as part conniving manipulator, part innocent, a victim of men’s lust. Iconic, but goes on too long.

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Let's Scare Jessica to Death(1971) Zohra Lampert, Barton Heyman, Kevin O'Connor, Gretchen Corbett. Dir: John D Hancock.

A fragile woman moves to the country and experience ghostly vision, but is it in her mind? Takes place virtually all in daylight, but is skillfully unnerving from start to finish, making sinister the most everyday of occurances. You can guess what’s going on, but it always keeps something back.

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Night of the Eagle(1962) Peter Wyngarde, Janet Blair, Margaret Johnston, Anthony Nicholls, Colin Gordon. Dir: Sidney Hayers

An academic is disturbed to learn his wife practices Witchcraft, but when she stops, bad things happen. Similar in style to Night of the Demon, putting atmosphere and suspense over overt horror, saving that to the climax, which boasts decent effects. Wyngarde and Blair are terrific - an under-appreciated gem.

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The Way(2011) Martin Sheen, Emilio Estevez, Deborah Karah Unger, James Nesbitt, Yorick van Wageningen. Dir: Emilio Estevez.

When his son dies walking the Way of St James, his father decides takes the pilgrimage himself. Has its heart in the right place and makes for gentle, warm viewing. But it’s undermined by an amateur script with clichéd characters and dialogue and forced incidents. And what a crap title.

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Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (1943) Lon Chaney, Jr., Ilona Massey,Patric Knowles, Lionel Atwill, Bela Lugosi, Maria Ouspenskaya. Dir: Roy William Neill.

Risen from the grave, the Wolf Man goes searches for Frankenstein, hoping that he can help him die. The first monster team-up is better than you might think, especially considering Lugosi’s lines were cut. Neil direction is strong and the supporting cast is good, although the monster’s scenes are a disappointment.

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Fiend Without A Face(1958) Marshall Thompson, Kynaston Reeves, Michael Balfour, Kim Parker. Dir: Arthur Crabtree.

When villagers die mysteriously, the townsfolk blame atomic tests at the local airbase. Hard to imagine this film’s climax once was considered one of the most frightening ever created. It's a cheapo film - to everyone involved’s credit, they’re trying hard (there’s decent stop-motion), but it's honestly not very good.

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For the Love of...Bad Movie Trailers

2011-05-25T21:44:00.002+01:00

I've blogged once or twice about film trailers before. It's a dying art alas - there was a time when a trailer could really get you excited about a film, but no one seems to know how to make anything that doesn't seem formuliac*.

Back in the 60s and 70s if you had a terrible cheapo horror movie you could make up for it all by making an amazing trailer that made it sound like the most horrifying, bloodlusting, mutilating, cannibal rape f**k ever made.

Some films, however, can never be saved. Here is a tribute to some of the worst movie trailers ever made.

House on the Edge of the Park

You know you’re on to a loser when the trailer can’t even get the title of the film right. Still, as home invasions by rapacious thugs go, this one sure as hell is funky. So suspenseful... I particularly enjoyed the gratuitous boob and fanny shots.

C Me Dance

I wish God punished stupid spelling. I’m not convinced they made this trailer after they made the film, it sort of looks like they got the actors to say a bunch of random lines and poorly shot them. She’s a dying dancer and she’s the new saviour or something. And the devil's a bad Steven Seagal impersonator who's out to get her. If this movie isn't pure blasphemy I don’t know what is.

Tiptoes

When even the trailer can’t decide whether the tone is comic or melodramatic, then it doesn’t really speak to well of the film itself. Do we laugh at the small people, or feel for them and their plight? Oh poor Gary Oldman, he really thought playing a midget would get him that Oscar. Better find a better disability next time Gary.

Gooby

Jesus Christ if Gooby came within 50ft of me I’d beat him to death with a steel pipe. Why the hell did anyone think letting this monstrosity near children would make a good movie? Did they make up their own film festivals to promote the movie? Robbie Coltrane, what have you done?! And Eugene Levy, haven’t you done enough terrible films already, can even your judgement be this warped!

The Incredible Melting Man

Nothing grabs the attention like a fat nurse running through a glass door. I’ve actually seen this film, and it’s not lying, he really does melt an awful lot. I’m just not entirely behind the concept that he’s going to get stronger as he melts. That makes no sense, right?

The Mighty Gorga

I’m not even sure this is a trailer; it’s basically just a clip. But if this is the best bit of the film, the bit the makers thought would make you want to rush and see it, then, wow, this has got to be one hell of a movie.

Truck Turner

The big brother is coming, and he’s coming on badly dubbed. Isaac Hayes is Truck Turner (definitely not Shaft) and he can talk with a woman’s voice at one point. Not sure what he had in his grocery bag, but it was a tough enough to stop a bullet. Damn processed food.

Godmonster of Indian Flats

Let’s be honest, if you looked out of your window and saw that coming at your kids, you’d pretty much sh*t your pants. Better hope they can stroll away fast enough.

Praise Band

The stakes are so high, if he takes this job - he’s going to have to move!!! I don’t think the praise band needs a John, it need a Judas. I can see why the old man doesn’t like the idea of a Praise band, he must be the only one there who doesn’t have a hearing aid that he can just turn off.

Embedding not allowed. Boooooo, how dare they! It’s as if they thought someone might poke fun at their video. The very thought of it. Catch it here.

The Minis

This can’t be a real film. It’s a p*ss take, right? I’m glad they soundtracked it to Soldier Girl by the Polyphonic Spree, cos that makes lots of sense...

The Gingerdead Man

Well the title alone has got me excited. It’s hard to know how to judge a film which is clearly meant to be no masterpiece, and is probably quite deliberate in its crass crapness. I mean, how can you possibly make a monster 8 inches high scary? In a struggle, it would be really hard not to tear him to pieces. Look out for the sequel: Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust.

*Spoke too soon, this one has rather a nice surprise.

2011-05-23T21:22:00.001+01:00

Finally, a fashion label I can get behind...

The Horror of Sleeping Beauty

2011-05-16T23:29:00.004+01:00

This year the British Film Institute is showing all 50 films in Disney’s official animation canon. It’s a wonderful opportunity to appreciate the quality of the animation on the big screen, and to catch some of the more seldom seen pictures in the Disney collection.

Not every one is a complete masterpiece, indeed, some of more obscure pictures are obscure for a reason. But there was one film I was particularly keen on seeing, and that was Sleeping Beauty. Why? Because Sleeping Beauty was to be Walt’s big attempt at a full length epic – something that would prove that animation could be taken seriously as art.

He spent 7 years animating it. Had actors perform many of the scenes so they could be rotoscoped. He scored the film with pieces of Tchaikovsky's ballet of the same name. He spent so much time developing the look of the thing, that he, alas, neglected some of the story telling.

The Prince and Princeless are entirely bland, totally pared down to little more than instruments of the story, not real characters at all. And the villainess Maleficent is humourless and colourlessly wicked – although admittedly an impressive looking creation. It’s as if the story is so tried and true, that Walt is going through the motions. Only the good fairies are really memorable.

But still, Sleeping Beauty is worth seeing, and because of the seven good years Walt spent on it. Just admire the beautiful colours and the stunning layered effect of this opening sequence (well as best as you can on YouTube.

Despite it’s duller than average storytelling, Sleeping Beauty is still a worthwhile spectacle. Walt’s excesses are justified. But besides the wonderful opening, the other sequence of note is the climax, which is what stimulated me to write this post.

I went to see Sleeping Beauty on a Saturday, and what had not occurred to me at all, is that the screening would be full of kids. It was packed too, which was good to see. The kids were quite well behaved too. But it was the parents who surprised me. They hadn’t seemed to have expected that the film just might be a bit scary.

Now this is the BFI, where a film is part of a programme, it’s not screened over and over – the parents will have chosen to bring their kids here, they won’t have been badgered by them. Could they really not have known what they were seeing?

In the climax, the handsome Prince escapes from Maleficent’s dark castle (as frightening a dark castle as has appeared in any animation) and having dodged many of her attacks, he rides towards the Princess’s kingdom. Maleficent casts a spell which surrounds the city in a forest of thorns. But the Prince hacks through the thorns with his enchanted sword.

Enraged, Maleficent roars through the sky and lands ahead him. She transforms into a dragon and roars waves of fire at him. He is forced back, protected by only his shield. The forest is set on fire and the ground collapses under the weight of the dragon’s strength. The Prince is pushed to the edge of a cliff; his shield falls from his grip. All is almost lost, but the good fairies bless his sword once more and he plunges his sword into the dragon's heart. It falls dead, almost upon the Prince, who is forced to run up its back to avoid plummeting into the chasm as the ground collapses under it.

It’s a dark sequence and pretty scary. There was a sense of tension in the air, not just because of the drama. Maybe it was just me, but I thought I could feel mumblings of “that’s a bit much”. Judge for yourself:

Then as the sword hits the dragon’s heart, I heard the women sat next to me, I’m guessing a grandmother, with granddad and granddaughter, made a very audible tut. When the film end As I stood to leave, I heard the woman next to me say to her husband “well it says a great deal about the people of that time”.

Now, I can only assume she was talking of the violence and horror, which she had so clearly shown displeasure at. I also heard others claim that it was quite a surprisingly scary sequence. True, it certainly has impact. I noticed at the screening, and confirmed on the YouTube vid, that there’s even a bit of blood.

I must admit to being rather aghast at this bizarre response. Now granted, I am not a parent. But I was a child once, and I saw Sleeping Beauty when I was a child, although perhaps a bit older than those in the screening. I don’t remember being scared by it. I remember it. When the dragon hits the prince with the fire and it knocks him across the ground - I remember that vividly. It made other dragons in other cartoons look pathetic.

So from personal experience, it was not too scary. But what about other children? You know, I don’t think I heard any child cry or scream during the scene. There was some crying earlier, when Maleficent stalked menacingly, but none during the actual sequence.

Just what did the woman mean when she said, “well it says a great deal about the people of that time”. That the audience was less sophisticated? This is Sleeping Beauty, one of the most gorgeous looking animations of all time. Is she seriously suggesting it is less sophisticated than, say, Sammy: A Turtle’s Tale or Rio. And the fact that the cinema is full more than 50 years after its first release says something surely for its credentials. There are no shortage of animated films, even in the Disney canon – we could’ve gone to see something else.

I’m guessing it’s the horror and the violence she objects too. Yet horror and violence have been part of children’s stories for centuries. Have you read a Grimm Fairytale? I have a vivid memory of one where an imp type creature tricks boys into climbing in hollow trees, and then traps them inside and dances off. The End – no happy ending at all.

So what’s so harmful about this particular film? The violence? Is the killing of the dragon with a sword condoning violence? Should the Prince have tried to reason with it, a monster who literally delights in evil? Where would the excitement be in that, do we not view fairy tales, not just for the romance, but for the excitement? They are never without adventure – why else would boys even give them a look.

Do they really think that children are going to pick up swords and start trying to stab each other? I don’t think in the last 50 years there’s been a huge rise in sword related violence. Knife crime perhaps, but again, I don’t somehow think the gang lads from East London and the council estates where brought up on a diet of Disney. And they’re not children are they?

Disney, the company, is not without its panics as regards violence. Another film I saw, Make Mine Music, features a hillbilly sequence, which was removed from the DVD release because of the constant gunplay. I can sort of sympathise with this, guns can look like a toy, but then again, it’s the parent’s responsibility to store them safely. And again, I don’t think gun deaths in America are likely to have risen between kids after watching Disney – I doubt there was any rise at the time, and the movie came out during WW2!

Why do parents feel the need to patronise their children in this way? Do they not think they can tell the difference between reality and unreality? Do children not understand that an animation is an animation? That there are no Dragons or Witches or talking animals.

I watched cartoons with absolute obsession when I was a child. I knew the difference between truth and reality. I never thought that if I shot my brother (and believe me, we did not get on), in the way that say Elmer Fudd shot Daffy Duck, that he would be fine in 5 seconds time. Kids can believe what they know really isn’t true, and while every so often a story appears where a child had been hurt does appear, are these not very isolated incidents?

I just can’t believe that people honestly feel these things need censoring. Or that children today find this material too strong. There’s a bizarre lack of retrospection – if it was fine for you to watch as a child, why wouldn’t it be fine for children now? You know, there were no screams in the cinema, no crying during the big climax. Only adults were frightened.

Who knows what scares kids? When I was a child I screamed when, in an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine, he was covered black in coal*. I once babysitted a girl frightened by the appearance of Santa in an episode of Barney. Yet I turned out reasonably normal; I can honestly say I've hardly shot anyone in ages.

Is it possible, just possible, that kids knew it would turn out ok? Will they have now deduced by now that maybe it will turn out ok despite the horror? Maybe, just maybe, Walt knew what he was doing, and maybe that’s why Sleeping Beauty has lasted, while Sammy: A Turtle’s Tale and Rio will be forgotten quickly.

And I wonder whether some of the others there who were surprised by the scariness, where surprised because their memory had played tricks on them? Was it that scary when they were kids? Well yes it was, and is that the power of the happy ending – that it clouds out all the nightmares on the way?

It just worries me that such an engaging piece of art can be devalued by the wet-prejudices of people who would seek to protect children from scary things, unreal violent things. That they should think them so simple that they can’t determine truth from fiction. That they could be patronised so, and as result, deprived of such character.

We are depriving our children if we do not treat them to art, and fob them off with committee made CGI talking animal blandities. There’s a reason that the cinema was full, and that’s because generations have enjoyed this film, and wanted to share the movie with their kids. You are not different from your children, they are like you were when you were a child. They cannot take less than you can. And if they’re scared, well, they’ll get over it. Children are resilient too.

Still, I can’t help but wonder whether the tutting women, disgusted with Walt’s violent narrative, is happy with her granddaughter hearing the story of outspoken man who was betrayed by his friend, stoned, beaten and then nailed to a cross until dead.

Now that’s a story that’s had long-standing violent repercussions.

*I was put off by the idea of black-face even then.

Watching the National Theatre's Production of Frankenstein Live at the BFI IMAX

2011-05-08T21:40:00.007+01:00

I’m a fan of the story of Frankenstein, and many of the adaptations inspired by the tale. So when the National Theatre production, directed by Danny Boyle and starring Benedict Cumberpatch and Johnny Lee Miller was announced, I was pretty excited.

I was very keen to go, and waited patiently for when tickets for the show would be available to the public; they had already been on sale to members for a while. Unfortunately, by the time this date had rolled by, all the tickets had been gobbled up by members, leaving absolutely none left to the general public.

I can't help but feel that this is pretty shameful. When a high profile performance is staged, it’s an opportunity to encourage and entice those who might not normally go to the theatre to visit. By allowing members to walk off with all the tickets, this opportunity is totally wasted.

Furthermore, it’s grossly unfair to more casual theatre goers, who can scarcely afford to pay membership for all of London’s art institutions, just in case something comes along that they absolutely can’t miss.

Having a number of day ticketrs available to queue for in the morning is hardly sufficient. Who of us can realistically take time out of work to go and queue and hope there are tickets left? In a time when arts budgets are being slashed here and there, this sort of thing seems rather short-sited. Why should people accept money going on the arts, when it’s only accessible to the wealthy, while their local services are being cut?

Anyway, there was a chance to see it at the BFI IMAX, broadcast live from less than a 100 metres away, and broadcast around the world. This I do at least give the National Theatre credit for - it's a wonderful idea.

Nick Dear's new adaptation of Mary Shelley's classic has one difference which very quickly sets it apart from all the others. The play begins right at the moment of creation, the monster's birth. Frankenstein's formative years, and the ideas and inspirations that drove him, are all omitted.

Nick Dear has stated that he wanted to give the monster back his voice, which often missing from most adaptations, particularly in cinema. This is because most big screen adaptations derive from the excellent Universal film, in which the monster is mostly mute, though not always. In the book however, the monster learns to speak from listening to others, and is more than eloquant enough to converse fluently with his creator when they meet again, years later.

The play begins with a flash of lightening(some parts of the Universal film are too good not to use).Benedict Cumberpatch then roles out of a cocoon, a new born who’s fully grown. Besides the excellent make-up, his performance is quite staggering. The first few minutes feature nothing but him rolling around the floor, gargling, slobbering and biting. He’s a baby, learning how to use his new body. There’s something quite enchanting, and unsettling, watching as he learns to walk, and to run, stomping uncontrollably around the stage.

Then Frankenstein, in Johnny Lee Miller’s only appearance in the first half, shoos him away, and he retreats into the forest. He begins to watch and imitate a small family, and befriends a blind man, the only one who could not be repulsed by his deformity. But there’s an interesting new consideration in this new version. As the old man teaches him about literature, the monster is taken by the violence inherent in many of the classics, and begins to see acts of revenge as noble and romantic.

He soon puts these notions of revenge into practice. He is spurned by the rest of the blind man's family, who are terrifed by his appearance. In the book he burns down their house, but only after they have left it. In this play, he burns it down while they are still inside it.

When he and Frankenstein meet again, it’s the monster’s quotation from Paradise Lost that startles Frankenstein so. How could this brutish murdersome creature understand the classics? And how could he have such a violent interpretation of such great works.

The second half sticks closer to the book, although it omits Frankenstein’s friend Clerval and execution of the family maid. One interesting change is the expanded role of Elizabeth, Frankenstein’s beloved. In the novel and film adaptations Elizabeth plays the role of saintly heroine, and untouchable who appears fleetingly but whom Frankenstein reveres and the monster destroys.

Frankenstein is never able to settle with Elizabeth. He is distraught at the destruction his creation causes, and feels unworthy. This play takes this angst a step further by suggesting that the creation of the monster is somehow an extension of Frankenstein’s impotence, that his creation provides him with the son he cannot create through procreation. It’s an interesting thought, though the creation of a man from cadavers might be a somewhat extreme reaction.

It culminates in a touching scene, on their wedding night, when Elizabeth approaches her husband, obsessed with the monster’s threat of revenge, and simply asks why he will not touch her. Then, shortly after Frankentein confesses all, Elizabeth finally meets the monster in a scene which seems inexorable, yet does not appear in the book.

Elizabeth treats the monster with a sympathy not yet shown to him, and most importantly, like a mother might. The monster is moved, almost seems to be entirely taken by her willingness to love. But he has given his word to exact revenge, and believes himself honour bound to carry out his threat. He pins her to the bed and strangles her, whilst thrusting in an unsubtle act of simulated rape. In this brief moment, the creature in his primal nature seems much more human than his intellectual, impotent creator.

Danny Boyle’s production really does celebrate what has made Mary Shelley’s story last through the generation – and it’s not the horror or the supernatural. It celebrates the depths of the book, which carries so many interpretations, from playing God to man's evolution, from fatherhood to human nature. The fact that Nick Dear’s script can still find new things in a book approaching its 200th anniversary shows just how forwarding think the novel is.

And the stars more than justify the stir that their casting has created. Somehow, one imagines that Benedict Cumberpatch, who besides playing the master detective Holmes is normally scene in costume dramas, would be better as the doctor. Yet in his remarkably physical performance as the creature, one can hardly think of anyone else playing it.

It’s the star role for sure, though Johnny Lee Miller still has plenty to work with as the doctor. Frankenstein is a stronger, more forceful man here than the rather weakly man in the book, yet there are moments when he becomes completely unstuck, particularly when faced with the honest emotions of Elizabeth, Naomie Harris, who deserves mention for her performance.

It’s difficult to imagine anyone else playing these roles, yet those who have seen both versions, have remarked that they are startling in their portrayals of either character.

And of watching the play at the Imax? Well, it provided views of the action that you could not possibly get from any one seat at the play. But it did not feel the same as being there, feeling part of the action as you do when only feet away from everything that occurs. That’s not to say that the audience weren’t enthralled. When digital system messages appeared in big blue boxes on the screen, there were gasps of panic from those present. These disruption, though irritating, were brief.

Alas, the production is now over, not that you would've been able to see it anyway.
But I will say is that had I been able to see it, it may well have been one of the most exciting nights of theatre I have enjoyed thus far.

April Film Highlights

2011-05-02T19:17:00.003+01:00

As featured on the 50 Word Film Reviews blog

Howl (2010) James Franco, John Hamm, David Strathairn, Bob Balaban. Dir: Rob Epstein, Jeffrey Friedman.

Allen Ginsbourg explains and performs his poem Howl, which leads to an obscenity trial for its publisher. Including the trial was a mistake; it provides a disruptive narrative push to a film about insight and analysis. It screams out for its own full-feature. Interesting nevertheless and Franco does very well.

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Rubber (2010) Stephen Spinella, Roxanne Mesquida, Jack Plotnick, Wings Hauser. Dir: Quentin Dupieux.

A car tire comes to life and goes on a killing spree. Sounds like laugh-a-minute exploitation, but more avant-garde. Has a quirky idea in which the lead actor tries to kill the audience so he won’t have to finish the film. Would be funny if it wasn’t so boring.

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Martin (1977) John Amplas, Lincoln Maazel, Christine Forrest, Elyane Nadeau, Tom Savini. Dir: George A. Romero.

Martin thinks he’s a vampire, so he preys on women with sedatives and a razor blade. Refreshingly unsentimental interpretation of the vampire myth, showing Martin as little more than a rapist. Romero makes Martin a pathetic figure to be pitied, rather than romanticised. The perfect cure for Twilight nausea.

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Oranges & Lemons (2011) Emily Watson, Hugo Weaving, David Wenham, Richard Dillane. Dir: Jim Loach.

A social worker tries to reunite orphans forcibly migrated from the UK to Australia in 50s – 70s. A true and very moving story, told in a way that avoids melodrama, relying on a more believably human, and arguably English, response to traumatic events. Understated and the better for it.

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Manos: The Hands of Fate(1966) Hal Warren, Tom Neyman, John Reynolds, Diane Mahree. Dir: Hal P. Warren.

A lost family insist upon staying the night with a jittery satyr who serves a demonic master. A movie made by a fertiliser salesman; someone who makes Ed Wood seem like an auteur. Uneventful, incompetent and downright puzzling, it’s like a badly filmed dream - surreal and utterly stupid.

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Mephisto (1981) Klaus Maria Brandauer, Krystyna Janda, Ildikó Bánsági, Rolf Hoppe. Dir: István Szabó.

An actor is reluctant to leave 30s Berlin as his career is peaking, especially when he finds favour with the Nazi government. An engrossing character drama about a weak and naive man without moral courage. We can understand his behaviour, even if we can’t forgive it. Great script, great central performance.

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The Kid (1921) Charlie Chaplin, Jackie Coogan, Edna Purviance, Tom Wilson. Dir: Charlie Chaplin.

A tramp finds and raises an orphan, but later the authorities take him away. Sited as the first tragedy and comedy blend. Undeniably moving, with rundown sets and contemporary social commentary that add real substance. There’s even a surreal dream sequence. A unique film – and Coogan is amazing.

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The Adventures of Ichabod & Mr Toad (1949) Basil Rathbone, Bing Crosby. Don Bluth, Colin Campbell. Dir: Jack Kinney, Clyde Geronimi, James Algar.

Disney’s telling of the Wind of the Willows and Sleepy Hollow. Lesser known Disney, and for good reason. Wind in the Willows is jolly but zips through the plot, and seems like a missed opportunity. Sleepy Hollow is pretty dull; only the finale impresses, and the ambiguous end is odd.

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2011-04-27T22:31:00.000+01:00

2011-04-24T19:36:00.003+01:00

If you enjoyed reading about Batman's rather less than threatening adversaries, you may also enjoy reading about his least inspiring heroic adventures.

Batman Villains You Won't See In An Upcoming Movie

2011-04-17T17:56:00.011+01:00

There are few films as highly anticipated as the new Batman movie. The Dark Knight was the most critically acclaimed and profitable superhero of all time, and naturally people are hungry for details, myself included.

After much speculation, amongst the details that have come include the villains Batman will face. Featuring in The Dark Knight Rises will be Selina Kyle - that’s Catwoman (though quite deliberately no one is calling her Catwoman), the brutish genius Bane and maybe the Holiday Killer, although this may be speculation.

Some people may consider these to be brave choices as neither Bane or the Holiday Killer are familiar to the general public not like classic villains like the Penguin or the Riddler.

That could be true, but they’re certainly not brave choices. It’s easy to forget that Batman is over 80 years old. And in that time he’s come up across some dangerous villains, and, well, some not so dangerous foes. Even if you don’t include the 60s series (remember Egghead, Bookworm and Louie the Lilac?) there are plenty of characters writers and fans would rather forget.

I’ve become somewhat enamoured with these rather less intimidating members of Batman’s rogues gallery, here are some of my particular favourites:

Crazy Quilt

Paul Dekker is an artist who leads a double life as a master criminal. He leaves instructions for his accomplices in paintings, but one betrays him and he is blinded by a gunshot wound. While in prision he is selected to take part in a scientific experiment to restore his sight. But the procedure produces blinding colours that drives him mad, and he becomes Crazy Quilt.

Quilt is unique in the Batman villain world, as he actually hates Robin more than Batman, as Robin accidentally blinds him again. Despite the silliness of the character, he has appeared a number of since being introduced. He even showed up in the most recent cartoon series. Perhaps writers have some fondness for his camp charm. Still though, not exactly sure where the whole Quilt bit comes in.

Calendar Man

Julian Day (geddit?) is obsessed with dates and plans crimes on said dates. And he likes dressing up too. He often puts on a new costume with each crime. The character’s so silly that they’ve had to acknowledge his ridiculousness within the comic, with heroes and villains viewing him as something of joke.

But he does date back to the Golden Age of comics, and attempts have been made to update him into a darker character. On one occasion his appearance is inspired by Hannibal Lector; someone who knows the identity of a killer but won’t give the game away. Alas, it’s not quite worked, but at least they changed the awful costume.

Ten-Eyed Man

Philip Reardon is a Vietnam vet who, after becoming a security guard at warehouse, gets blown up and loses his eyesight. But a mob doctor is able to rewire his optic nerves throughout his fingers, and reattach new eyes, giving him unique, potentially 360 degree vision.

Doesn’t sound like a terrible villain gimmick, until your realise that he has to go walking about his with his arms stretched out like a fool. And it’s also quite easy to compromise his vision – just throw something at him and let him catch it. A cactus turns out to be quite a good choice. When DC set about doing its first apocalyptic crisis cross-over series, the lead writer targeted Ten-Eye for elimination from the off. He’s never been revived.

The Eraser

Sometimes it’s not the idea, but the execution. Lenny Fiasco is a genius who will eliminate any evidence of a crime, for a large cut of the profits. Not a bad idea at all, it’s just the pencil idea that I think people have had issue with.

It’s not just that he dresses as a pencil, he actually uses his pencil head to literally rub-out finger prints and foot prints. Unsurprisingly he was only used once, but has oddly made recent appearances in dream sequences.

Polka-Dot Man

How on earth did anyone think that this would work. He even commits crimes related to spots and dots! Polka-Dot Man would produce a variety of gadgets from the spots of his costume; the spots would somehow transform in to weapons. Bits of fabric would become weapons all of a sudden.

Unamazingly, Polka-Dot Man would not make a return appearance until over 30 years later, when he no longer had any powers at all – he was just a tit in a suit who got beaten up a lot. Writers love a chance to revenge themselves on characters they hate.

Zebra-Man

Zebras are of course notoriously frigntening. Jake Baker performed an experiment which irradiated his whole body, causing black and wipe stripes to appear across his body, just as you’d expect. He also developed the power of Diamagnetism. This apparently means he can attract and repel anything that isn’t metal, although I’m fairly sure that’s not what the word means.

Zebra-Man appeared only once. A new Zebra-Man was later created deliberately by another villain, although this new Zebra-Man didn’t care for the whole Zebra gimmick. Readers probably didn’t care much either for the hilarious banter on whether he was a black man with white stripes of a white man with black stripes.

Kite-Man

Charles "Chuck" Brown was fascinated by kites when he was a child. So when he decided to become a criminal he quite obviously started using a variety of tools and weapons that utilised kites. Makes sense when you think about it. It’s hard to be much of a threat though when your schemes can always foiled by the weather.

Kite-Man was oddly never quite forgotten, and writers kept resurrecting him once a decade. This was until Joker casually reported he’d been thrown off a building and killed. But this wasn’t quite enough for the current writer, after all, comic book deaths can always be undone. So in 2006, the character was beaten to death and then cooked and eated - now get him out of that one!

Penny Plunderer

Yes, it’s a criminal who steals pennies. Created by Batman co-creator Bob Finger (just so you know that Batman was a bit camp even from the off), Joe Coyne (geddit?) used to sell newspapers for a penny each, but started to steal some of the pennies. After being fired, he became a penny stealing super(!)villain. Batman managed to stop him (obviously he was a threat to society) by luring him to the batcave with a giant penny.

This giant penny was the only legacy from the character’s one appearance, yet later this was retconned into being related to a battle with Two Face. However, brief tribute was paid to the character when this Two Face story in question was finally recounted, and the Plunderer made a brief appearance before being squashed.

2011-04-05T13:38:00.004+01:00

Who says you can't go on to do great things after studying Media Arts at Royal Holloway...

March Film Highlights

2011-04-03T23:48:00.005+01:00

Please visit my 50 Word Film Reviews blog

Wake Wood(2011) Aidan Gillen, Eva Birthistle, Timothy Spall, Eva Connolly. Dir: David Keating.

A couple experience a ritual that resurrects their deceased daughter for three days. A new Hammer film that actually feels like one. Has flaws; the script is pared back, and gives way to cliché in the end. But the idea is strong and embodies the spirit of rural chillers of old.

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Chimes At Midnight(1965) Orson Welles, Keith Baxter, Jeanne Moreau, Margaret Rutherford, John Gielgud. Dir Orson Welles.

Prince Hal avoids regal responsibility with the help of his friend Falstaff. 5 Shakespear plays are condensed into one simple, but beautiful story of friendship and responsibility. A little hard-going for Shakespeare novices, but Welles is as ever a dynamic presence as both actor and director. Battle sequence is superb!

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The Creeping Terror (1964) Vic Savage, Shannon O'Neil, William Thourlby, John Caresio. Dir: A.J.Nelson.

Spaceship lands on earth, unleashing a monster that devours all in its wake. So bad it’s not even funny. Monster is a pathetic mix of rubber and bits of carpet. Heavy narration and occasional dubbing tries to mask the lack of sound recording, but can’t hide lack of plot. Excruciating!

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The Black Cat (1934) Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, David Manners, Julie Bishop. Dir: Edgar G.Ulmer

A war veteran travels to the home of the man who stole his wife and child. Famous for Bauhaus sets, black magic and torture – making it prone to over-analysis. Cutting leaves plot holes and supporting players are bland, but nevertheless, remains one of the most interesting pictures of the 30s

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Privilege (1967) Paul Jones, Jean Shrimpton, Mark London, Jeremy Child. Dir: Peter Watkins

Britain’s most popular pop-singer is actually the tool of the establishment. Curious faux-documentary that’s too OTT to be taken entirely seriously, but too bleak to be funny. A reaction to the screaming crowds of its day, but still has plenty to say about celebrity adulation. A fascinating and troubling film.

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True Grit (2010) Jeff Bridges, Hailee Steinfeld, Matt Damon, Josh Brolin, Barry Pepper. Dir: Joeal and Ethan Coen.

A girl seeks the help of Marshal with ‘True Grit’ who can hunt down her father’s killer. A beautifully shot old-fashioned western yarn that certainly doesn’t hold back in its depiction of violence. The cast are uniformly marvellous. It’s good to see a coming of age tale with teeth.

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The House That Dripped Blood (1970) Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, John Pertwee, Denholm Elliot, Ingrid Pitt, Joss Ackland. Dir: Peter Von Dufe superfluous

4 scary stories set in a house within a murderous reputation. Despite the name, there’s more tongue in-cheek than there is dripping blood. There are hits and misses but the whole thing is carried off with enthusiasm and the ensemble really is first rate. Iffy ending though.

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Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde (1920) John Barrymore, John Barrymore, Martha Mansfield, Charles Lane, Nita Naldi. Dir: John S. Robertson.

A noble scientist explores his dark side when he creates a potion that turns him into a monster. In this silent version, Hyde is not a sexual predator, but a disgusting monster. Later versions would flesh out the characters but none quite create such a disturbing and unsettling atmosphere.

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I'm assuming it comes in rolls

2011-04-01T22:24:00.002+01:00

Things I've Enjoyed: Boardwalk Empire

2011-03-27T22:09:00.006+01:00

When it was revealed that HBO were to begin producing a new period gangster drama, written by some of the people behind the Sopranos, starring Steve Buscemi and with the first episode directed by Martin Scorsese, TV critics across the globe had a collective orgasm. Once the series had aired, they were no less gushing in their praise.

Yet Boardwalk Empire is not quite the home run that all have called it. That’s not to say that’s it isn’t a great series – it is, but it does have its flaws. It would be truer to say that it becomes a great series, its beginning are a little... crowded.

Boardwalk Empire is the story of prohibition era America. Steve Buscemi is Nucky Thompson, the New Jersey county treasurer and, essentially, the city’s mob boss. The man who pulls the strings in the street and in the halls of power. When the ban on alcohol comes in, he quite jovially announces to his cohorts, including the major and the sheriff (his brother) that they’re going to make a fortune. New business brings new enemies, however, and his unwillingness to bend to the will of a New York gangster causes trouble, as does a zealous prohibition agent. But Nucky prefers politics to the violence of mob business, which gradually begins to undermine his position.

Sopranos comparisons are easy, and not just because of the writers. And the New Jersey location. There’s the young mobster who threatens the boss’ authority, the old gangster who jealous of his success, the powerful New York crowd trying to muscle in, and the women he loves, who struggles to reconcile her love for the boss with the criminal life he leads.

But then again, Tony Soprano was not involved in politics, and was not a subtle character. Steve Buscemi plays a character who holds his card much closer to his chest, and all times appears respectable. He’s a harder character to get an angle on. He has no psychiatrist to spill his inner thoughts to.

This is nub of the problem. Boardwalk Empire plunges head first into the action, before we ever get to know our characters. They’re all immersed in sub-plots. Plot driven action is always welcome, but most series let you get to know the territory first. One of the story techniques adhered to throughout the Sopranos run was that each episode should stand alone, and could be watched as an individual story. After the pilot, it’s quite a few episodes in before there’s anything resembling an A story begun and resolved in one episode.

All these ongoing plots leave character
development in the dark and loose ends dangling from one episode to the next. There’s one sub-plot, featuring a dumb gangster out of favour, with debtors on his back, that inspires hardly any interest at all. Eventually it comes in to contact with another sub-plot, and starts to add to something more, but only eventually.

So why all the praise then? Well it’s HBO, and as such it has all the resources the HBO can throw at it. The production values are superb, and the cast, you really couldn’t ask for a butter bench of actors.

Though the crowded plot causes issues, the writing is otherwise excellent. The show is packed with interesting and colourful characters, from the savvy boss of the negro mob to the gangster’s moll who’s true love is another women. By far the most fascinating, and disturbing, is FBI Agent Van Alden, a Christian zealot with a fiery temper, who struggles to suppress his rage at the abundant moral corruption that surrounds him. And is also gradually corrupted by it. It’s an interesting contrast to have the supposed voice of justice and right to be more dangerous than then those who shirk the laws of the land.

The other major point of interest is how the series brushes up against history. How historically accurate it is is one for the academics; it certainly gives pause to reconsider the history of American government and how criminality and corruption may have formed its policies and laws. And how criminality and corruption have contributed to the creation of society today.

In that respect it’s almost the thematic child of Deadwood – which for unfathomable reasons is not hailed as HBO’s true masterpiece – which showed how society is created and ascends from mobs and lawlessness. You could also link it to the Sopranos, the three shows showing the history of organised crime from the 19th to the 21st Century – moving from an accepted part of the governmental institutions towards the fringes of society, though never quite absent from the echelons of power

While the prolific sub-plots do create a certain unfulfillment as each episode closes, it’s never less than a pleasure to watch all the talent, behind and in front of the camera, at work. And as the series progresses, the plot strands do come together and we can really see where the story is heading.

The series certainly does get one thing absolutely right, and that’s that it leaves you thirsting for more. By the close we see Nucky opening up, becoming more vulnerable and closer to his mistress, the plain but smart Kelly McDonald (of Trainspotting fame). This, alas, may contribute to his undoing, as his friends are now moving against him, having judged him to not be the leader they want. Showing those first signs of mob and politics separating.

Boardwalk Empire is not a complete masterpiece, but it sure as hell seems like it may well become one.

2011-03-23T23:19:00.005Z

I just like that somebody took the time to write 'Very mature' above it all.

They could be being sarcastic. But either way, they're still a tit.

Although I obviously don't approve of the violent sentiments towards Micronesia...

Not in the Stars

2011-03-13T22:10:00.003Z

I think most of accept that horrorscopes are a load of old b******s. But as if the point needed emphasising any further, here are five of my horrorscopes from last Thursday. Have a read, and just imagine what kind of revelatory, life changing day I might have had, if even half the things of predicted by these c**p spurting f**knuts had actually happened:

Claire Petulengro – The Metro

If you don’t treat yourself as a first class citizen, then why should others. You’re allowing yourself to believe things, which are not true. You’re gorgeous; now let others know this fact too please.

Unknown - Yahoo

You have a non-stop day in front of you, Virgo. You are likely to be bombarded with email and voice mail from people asking your advice on a particular issue. It is flattering to be in such demand, but the attention makes it difficult for you to get anything else accomplished. Your frustration may be such that you swear off helping anyone. Just when you feel you're going to snap, someone lavishes you with praise, motivating you to respond to yet another crisis phone call.

Unknown - MSN

Working out the benefits of introducing energy saving gadgets into your home looks like a viable idea.

Mystic Meg – The Sun

As Venus settles into your commitment chart, a relationship that seemed to be just for fun turns into one with a future. At work, you have the right mixture of charm and confidence to make real progress. Your ability to forgive a relative shows strength. Luck calls at door 76.

Shelley Von Strunckel – The Evening Standard

The Virgo Full Moon may not take place for about two weeks. But it’s time to acknowledge and reflect on the emotional side of your life. Obviously this involves your concerns and complaints, but you’re also encouraged to focus on those arrangements that bring joy to your life.

I suppose my old favourite Ms Von Strunckel* is probably closest to the mark. After all, what she says is absolutely f**k all, and that's pretty much what happened on Thursday. It's odd, Strunckel used to be the most flowery of bulls******s.

Although there's some truth in the first one...

Words of Hate: Marmite

2011-03-06T21:46:00.006Z

A new cliche is perhaps a contradiction in terms, but there is certainly one coined phrase that seems to be rising to prominence and really gets on my tits. And that is BLANK marmite, as in “it’s musical marmite’ or ‘movie marmite’. Basically what the sayer is describing is something that provokes an equally strong reaction of love or hate depending on who you ask, with few sitting inbetween. It’s popularly associated with music, because that also begins with an M, but it is also commonly used when discussing movies, for the same reason.

The Marmite comparison has taken a long time to weave its way into common usage, the Marmite Love It or Hate It campaign began back in the 90s. What I find particularly irritating about this phrase is that those who employ it always seem to use it with a sense of smugness and cleverness, as if they have discovered a clever way to encapsulate the feeling of ‘love or hate’ in one phrase. A complete defining and profound description of the subject.

Well it's not big or clever. There is something particularly irritating about the marmite thing. Is it because it has sprung from an advertising campaign? It was actually quite well employed there, amusingly capitolising on that fact that we all know people who both love and hate marmite. Of course that was a bit of fun, it wasn't until later it was used to describe certain art forms, and being employed lazily to describe the way something can devide an opinion. It smacks of a lack of imagination and an obviously vague understanding of one’s subject, and how an audience relates to it.

The reaction we have to a food or drink cannot really be explained, our tastebuds react to produce a positive or negative sensation. But why one group of people might like a piece of music or a movie can actually mostly be explained, can't it. You can break music and films down in to elements: instruments, vocals, visuals, attitude, words, lighting etc, any one of which may de singled out for criticism. You can also look at the times in which something is created. Foodstuffs don’t really tend to go in and out of fashion, with some exceptions of course. But music and film is very much attached to the time in which it is made. Consider punk, and who that impacted on other genres of music, drastically reducing their popularity, turning tides of people against bands who were once remarkably popular.

Consider also the fact that types of music and film considered ‘Marmite’ are not usually available easily available to the general public. They are generally unusual in some way and not considered desirable to the general public. Therefore, to enjoy it, you must search for it. And only if you really like something, are you likely to spend any great time seeking it out.

For those who dislike something in the extreme, they may not have taken fiercely to it at least to begin with, but may have taken more against in response to those who love it passionately. Music and movie fanatic travel in packs, and often the only way to discover fringe or new artists is to pass them on to try and covert more to the faithful. And there’s nothing like someone who likes something too much to put you really off it.

Let’s face it, there are actually plenty of people in the world who will sit in the middle, maybe neither loving or hating something. Thinking again of music and movies, you are not usually loving or hating something individually, you have feelings about a band, genre, director. Therefore you may find you love certain bits, eras of facets of a performance piece. In fact the more you love something, the more angry you are bound to get when it disappoints you.

The BLANK marmite thing just doesn’t really do anything justice. If something is divisive then explain why. If you can’t explain why, that maybe you don’t understand its appeal, negative or otherwise. And if you don’t understand it, then maybe you shouldn’t write about it!

In summary – I hate the marmite cliché comparison. It's tedious, dull and vague. Please, please don’t use it; It’s rubbish.

February Film Highlights

2011-03-02T21:33:00.000Z

Aelita: Queen of Mars (1924 Russia) Yulia Solntseva, Igor Ilyinsky, Nikolai Tsereteli, Nikolai Batalov, Vera Orlova. Dir: Yakov Protazanov

A rocket engineer dreams of life on Mars while his wife is befriended by bourgeois conmen. Famous for abstract sci-fi scenes, but is largely dominated by a tedious plot involving dastardly upper class types cheating the honest workers. The ending, however, is unbelievable. Even martians can be part of the revolution...

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Edge of Darkness (2010) Mel Gibson, Ray Winstone, Danny Huston. Dir: Martin Campbell.

Revenge is suspected when a cop’s daughter is killed outside his home, but could she have been the target? A remarkable TV series becomes an unremarkable thriller. The subtly, scope and mystery of the series are stripped back to create an average conspiracy yarn that isn’t special in any way.

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The Social Network (2010) Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield, Justin Timberlake, Arnie Hammer. Dir: David Fincher.

The founding of Facebook and how it drove two friends apart. A drama about youngsters with high IQs and low emotional maturity. A surprisingly classical story of envy and ambition. Sorkin’s script is as witty and fast paced as you’d expect, though whether its fair on its subjects is debatable.

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Dracula (1931) Bela Lugosi, Helen Chandler, David Manners, Dwight Frye, Edward Van Sloan. Dir:Tod Browning.

A vampire comes to England to stalk new prey. First half boasts atmospheric visuals and stylish direction, but in England, Browning seems to get bored, though the anti-climactic script doesn’t help. Nevertheless, easy to understand why it’s influence has lasted. Lugosi, Frye and Sloan define their roles to this day.

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Tarantula (1955) John Agar, Mara Corday, Leo G. Carroll. Dir: Jack Arnold

Scientific experiments to grow large animals gets out of control, unleashing a giant tarantula on a small town. Although it’s just a giant monster B-movie, the makers have taken time to make the effects as good as possible and to provide a respectable back story. Good quality nonsense.

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Death Proof (2007) Kurt Russell, Rosario Dawson, Zoe Bell, Rose McGowan. Dir: Quentin Tarantino.

A retired stunt driver gets his thrills by stalking girls on the road and crashing his car into them. Admittedly too talky, but it does make you care about the characters, making the visceral and brutal action all the more terrifying. A tense and exciting low-fi thrill ride.

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Return of the Vampire (1944) Bela Lugosi, Frieda Inescort, Nina Foch, Miles Mander, Matt Willis. Dir: Lew Landers.

A vampire thought dead and buried is reawakened during an air raid and avenges himself on those who vanquished him. A fairly run of the mill Dracula retelling; the wartime setting has potential, but it isn’t realised, and the location shooting simply highlights how inadequate the sets are.

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V For Vendetta (2006) Huge Weaving, Natalie Portman, Stephen Rea, John Hurt, Stephen Fry, Tim Piggott-Smith. Dir: James McTeigue

A masked avenger pledges to bring down Britain’s fascist government on bonfire night. The intent was to update a story about Thatcherism, fascism and anarchism, and make it a contemporary tale of conservative extremism. Really though, just an above average superhero adventure, with some strong sequences, but some clubfooted dialogue.

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Dear the Co-op

2011-02-21T21:19:00.003Z

I’m writing to complain about your Morland Road, Lower Addiscombe Store in Croydon. The service there is appalling. I’ve lived in the area for over 12 months now, and I go to the store fairly regularly, although less and less often. The staff are lazy and slow, and do everything at their own convenience and I am sick and tired of standing waiting in lines because they simply don’t give a damn about the people they are there to serve.

Queues develop quickly at the store because the staff at the checkout do their work at their own leisurely pace. There response to growing queues is almost zero. They continue to operate at the same gradual pace. They may ring the bell for help, at which point a colleague may decide to wander over slowly, often continuing their work on the shop floor first, and them to assist them. They both then serve the customers at a pace they find comfortable, sometimes enjoying a casual chat. This behaviour seems to systematic of the whole staff; I visit the store at a variety of hours; the long queues and staff laziness persists regardless of who is present and what time of day it is.

There have been some improvements of late. Staff have found the energy to put your shopping in a bag occasionally, and at times when the queue reaches around the store, they’ve even dusted off the third till to use. Not that this causes them to move any quicker. This evening, as I stood waiting, one of them nudged the other to smirk “the queues past the end of the fridge”, his colleague laughed and shook his head, and on they went, doing their job with the minimal of effort. Urgency seems to be a term they are not familiar with.

After a long day at work, the last thing I want to do is to stand around waiting for people who can’t be bothered to make any effort. There are plenty of other stores around - the local Tesco always makes great efforts to keep queue time short - but I prefer to shop at the Co-Op because the food is better. But unless the quality of service improves, I shall simply go somewhere else. And no doubt the many people stuck in the queue behind me may be tempted to do the same thing.

Mr Nixon

Thank you for contacting the Co-operative Careline regarding your local store in Morland Road, Croydon.

As you would expect service is of paramount importance to us and any indication we have failed is treated very seriously. The Co-operative Group, as a national food retailer, takes great care in the training of our staff to ensure our customers receive the highest standard of service when shopping with us. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise sincerely for the service you received, and to advise that I have informed the Operations Manager regarding the issues you have raised with us. Please be assured that he will monitor the store, and take appropriate action where necessary.

Customer feedback is extremely important for us and I would like to thank you for taking the time and trouble to contact us about this matter as we do value all customer comments received, which assist us in making improvements.

If I can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to phone our freephone number 0800 --- ----

Regards

***** *****
Customer Relations
Co-operative Group Ltd

Job Application Incompetence Or A Guide On How To Not Look Like A Moron

2011-02-13T20:47:00.005Z

Something I always find totally exasperating is advertising a job vacancy. It ought not to be, I am normally advertising writing vacancies after all; I ought to be receiving plenty of examples of fine writing. At least in theory...

Rather sadly, the majority of applications I read are depressingly inept and incompetent. You would think with a job market so badly constrained that people might want to make the extra effort. But no, slap-dash, ill thought-out submissions is the norm.

It’s mostly the cover letters that are to blame. Hastily written, not proofed properly... Yet they are the most useful part of any application. The CV is a-standard, the same for every application. But the cover letter is the thing that they have written specially for you, aimed directly at this vacancy, yet few seem to spend any time on it whatsoever. Not that CVs always come off well. Many of these are poorly thought out too.

Here are the most egregious errors I have come across, presented for your amusement, horror or education. Quotes used are real, but altered to maintain confidentiality.

Beginning your application

Just because you’re applying online, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to still be formal. It’s Dear Sir/Madam, not Hi or Hello, Greetings or salutations. I’m not your buddy; you want something from me so damn well approach me respectfully.

What always shocks me (because it seems so inconceivably stupid), is just how many applications begin ‘To whom it may concern’. Now to me, the phrase “To whom it may concern” is the kind of message I write on a notice I leave on the car that’s in my parking space, or on the gate at the end of my drive for the person whose dog is fowling outside my house. It’s a blunt and rude way to begin a letter and will get your application turned down in an instant.

Get the job title right

Here’s the opening sentence from a recent application:

”I found your advertisement for the position of article writer on Craigslist.org.”

Shame that I’d advertised for a Senior Writer not an article writer.

And pay attention to how things are spelt. I mean this in reference to how site names and company names are spelt and presented on the page. The website’s not called Gum Tree, it’s Gumtree.

Read the advert properly

Here’s another cover note opening of dubious quality:

“As a former writing teacher who currently writes and edits a wide range of writing projects full-time, I have the experience and connections to satisfactorily complete your projects on time and on budget.”

“Proud of my reputation for consistent, high quality, and affordable writing, which adheres to strict deadlines, I look forward to learning more about how I can use my experience to help achieve your writing and editing needs.”

Did I mention budgets or costs in my ad? No I did not, so that’s a sure fire way to show that the applicant has simply dusted off an old letter and not tailored it properly to this vacancy. I feel sorry for their students.

And take note of the bloody location of the job. You’re not going to be much help if you live in the Phillipines or New Delhi when the vacancy is based in bloody South London!

CVs should be two sides long

I don’t need an epic retelling of your life; I don’t need to know which primary school you went to, and every job you’ve done since you were able to walk upright. Keep it short and concise. Two sides of A4 and no more.

Photos are tacky

There’s a recent trend of people putting photos on their CVs, which, frankly, is pointless. What on earth does what you look like matter? I’ve seen pictures which made the applicant look like an adolescent super villain, and an applicant look a good ten years younger than they were. This is not helping your application. Worse still, if you’re a girl, adding a photo of yourself glammed up completely undermines any credibility you might have. Not every guy will hire you because you’re hot. Women certainly won’t!

Arrogance will get you nowhere

“This looks like an interesting position. I think I might be able to help you.”

Oh really? You might be able to help me? Well God bless you sir, please come along and give me aid in my time of need...

I am offering you a chance to work for me. I help you – you do not help me! Facts impress, not idle boasting.

Don’t be a poet

“Whilst I was overseas I enjoyed the stimulation that every new day within such a different culture offered me and the difficulty and sense of accomplishment that learning Arabic afforded me.”

And how will that help you to write ecommerce copy for me? Any writer worth his salt can smell bullsh*t a mile away.

Don’t sabotage yourself

Check out this bit of application copy:

“My English Literature with Creative Writing university degree has helped to perfect and assist in the development of my fluency of writing, accuracy in typing both oral material and written documents, writing to deadlines and researching relevant material both under the constraints of deadlines and also under the pressure of managing other projects running simultaneously.”

Paying attention to sentence length or repetition seems not have been part of this course. 55 words in one sentence, seriously? Still, it’s not as bad as this travesty. Is this person being sarcastic about being a teamplayer?:

"I'm writing to see if the position is still available. I have extensive experience writing for publication and deadline.My CV contains a full publications list at the end. I have experience writing copy, I am a good "team player", am highly organised and have strong editorial experience both in terms of academic work and in terms of editing and proofing for publication. "

Check properly before sending

Mistakes never look good, but in an application for a writing position, they are unforgivable. Here are some selected clangers:

"I believe I am greatly suited for this position as I have gained over 5 years experience at working in various different customer focust roles."

"I've attached my CV as requested and dome of my writing."

"To whom is may concerned."

And my personal favourite:

"I am a journalist, looking for a challenging career change and this opportunity looked ideal."

Was it some kind of sub-conscious foresight that made them put the opportunity in the past-tense?

January 2011 Film Highlights

2011-02-05T22:44:00.004Z

Vist the blog damn it!

Rare Exports (2010) Onni Tommila, Tommi Korpela, Per Christian Ellefsen, Ville Virtanen. Dir: Jalmari Helander

Archaeologists dig up the frozen body of Santa, who soon unleashes his wrath against the naughty. Terrific dark horror comedy with a wickedly funny anti-festive premise. It’s also visually splendid, boasting some suspenseful direction and moody scenic cinematography. An absolute hoot from start to finish.

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The Green Hornet (2011) Seth Rogan, Jo, Cameron Diaz, Christophe Waltz. Dir: Michel Gondry

A spoilt rich layabout teams up with a fighting genius to become a new crime fighting hero. A shaky script, some good laughs, but the side-kick is more likeable and engaging than the hero. The plot doesn’t kick in until very late and Gondry is not in his element.

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Ghost Ship (1943) Richard Dix. Russell Wade, Edith Barrett, Ben Bard. Dir: Mark Robson

A new ship’s officer starts suspecting that the Captain is unhinged and possibly dangerous. A tense, moody film that doesn’t quite have the chance to develop its character’s decline in its brief running time. But it retains a strong sense of mystery and atmosphere found only in the best noirs.

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Catfish (2010) Dir: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman.

A photographer develops a multi-layered online relationship with a child artist and family, but eventually smells a rat. Documentary unveiling of an elaborate deception, which may or may not have happened. Moments certainly raise doubts, but the pay-off is worth it. A troubling film about a prevalent modern phenomenon.

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Night and the City (1950) Richard Widmark, Googie Withers, Francis L. Sullivan, Gene Tierney, Herbert Lom. Dir: Jules Dassin.

A small time tout finally finds a scheme to make him rich, but quickly makes dangerous enemies. Absolutely terrific film noir strikingly filmed in post war London. Unremittingly bleak and full of fascinating seedy characters; it’s tautly paced with always a hint of danger in the air.

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Van Helsing (2004) Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, David Wenham. Dir: Steven Sommers.

The vampire hunter goes after Dracula, Frankenstein and the Wolf Man. Uses a coda of ‘more is more’ inevitably resulting in a loud, gaudy, stupid mess. The script is appalling, the dialogue: groan-inducing, acting: wooden, and the plot: hole-ridden. An insult to Universal’s monster legacy. Beckinsale’s corset – the only highlight.

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Arsene Lupin (2005) Romain Duris, Kristin Scott Thomas, Pascal Greggory, Eva Green. Dir: Jean-Paul Salomé

A master thief with a troubled past seeks an ancient treasure with a seemingly immortal women. Stuffs so much into two hours that it never stands still for a moment, making it difficult for you to feel for the characters, or be really impacted by the drama. And it has so much potential...

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Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989) William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, Laurence Luckinbill, James Doohan. Dir: William Shatner

A cult leader and his followers hijack Enterprise and take it on mission to find God. Why anyone thought they could satisfactorily realise such an abstract concept is anyone’s guess. There’s too much jokiness too, but at least Shatner, Nimoy and Kelley get plenty of screen time together.

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Scenes from Croydon: Lower Addiscombe Super Fun Park

2011-01-31T22:27:00.007Z

Concrete has never been more colourful or delightful. It's a park that appeals to all ages. Well mostly older kids. Teenagers; they particularly enjoy that bus shelter thing... and cigarettes.

RIP Nathaniel Boothby Featherington-Smythe II

2011-01-23T00:47:00.003Z

Oh poor Nathaniel. Once you were healthy, leafy and beautiful. First adopted late Summer 2009, you boasted pretty purple leaves, bright and cheerful. You were a little temperamental, your stems drooping rapidly when deprived of water. But once nourished, your colour and strength would rapidly return, and your stems and flowers would cunningly ease aside the broken office blinds to feed your lust for sunlight.

I cared for Nathaniel dutifully, and of all the content room plants, you were the boldest, the one that thrived most. But alas, I could not care for you all the time. During my absence in India, the content office was taken down to create an open plan office*. On my return, I found my team decamped to the office kitchen downstairs, sat on temporary desks while the refurbishments were taking place.

You were tragically crippled by this move. Stuck in the dark and dim kitchen, deprived of natural sunlight, your beautiful petals were malting and discoloured; your stems drooping across the counter. I scorned my writers for this shameful neglect. I quickly found you a new spot in the sunlight, somewhere safe for your recovery. But I knew, even then, that you would never be the same again.

As the months went on your colour came back and you started to grow again. But your growth was always flat, your stems bent down towards the ground. Your leaves grew large, they soaked up the sun, but you were never able to stand tall. You managed, bravely, to grow a new flower or two. Never more than one though, you didn’t quite have the strength. Despite many promising new sprouts, few came to prominence.

You seemed your healthiest in many months but as autumn drew near, it would always be a difficult time. A move into the centre of the office, well away from the windows, helped neither. Your last flower fell in October. It helped not that your were being overwatered, the foolish and unsympathetic cleaner, emptying half the unfinished cups of water from the office over you.

Your large leaves began to lose their colour. I could see that you were suffering, and I restored your place in the window. It was too late though, your leaves dying, and going unreplaced; your time had come.

In your youth, your beauty was unparalleled. You were the bright light in a career that often seemed so full of darkness. It would have been wonderful to have taken you to my new job, but I suppose as this chapter of my life closes, I too should leave you behind.

*F**king modern barbarism

The Agony of Indecision

2011-01-12T23:36:00.000Z

So you’ve been in a job awhile. You’ve had some ups and downs. There was a time when it seemed like a land of promise, where you thought you could become indispensible and able to pitch for lots of money. But those days are long gone; financial cutbacks and some short term thinking devalued your work and you found yourself prevented from doing your job well, and constantly under fire from those who prevented you from doing it. You felt trapped, unable to improve your situation, and resented by those who work for you, those who depended on you to try to improve their lot.

Then came what seemed like the final insult, the removal off most of your responsibility and the disbanding of your time. You knew it was coming, the company had been reorganised recently, but it was as if all your effort had come to nothing. So you settled into new role, got back to doing the regular, daily writing, which is in truth what you do best. And the pressure is off, you can relax a little more and your new manager treats you well and gives you some more challenging work to do.

But you’re still getting your old wage, even though you’re not a manager, and it’s a lot more than the average employee gets. Sure, your company is doing well, but what happens when belts need tightening again? You feel bitter too, alienated from the team you once had, all your ambitions and intentions thwarted. It feels like time to move on.

You do some applications; you get some interviews and asked to do some tests. You don’t quite get what you want (to add insult to injury, someone who used to work for you got a job you yourself applied for) but finally, as Christmas approaches, leads come in abundance. Interviews are suddenly arranged, one for JML Direct, one for Totaljobs, could this be your way out after all?

Life, alas, never goes as your expect. A week before Christmas you are pulled into the office for what seems like a mundane meeting with your manager, but the director shows up and suddenly it’s getting serious. They want to know how you feel about the job , and ask you up front whether you’re looking for work, because they know about the job you didn’t get that went to the guy who used to work for you. You tell them the truth as close as you can, still not sure where this is going.

They surprise you. Say that they’re very pleased with the work you’re doing and results you’ve been getting. They want you to know that they consider you to be an essential member of staff and want to secure your ongoing commitment. They make you an offer, a very good offer. It’s the kind of offer you were hoping to secure months ago. It all sounds good; work’s near where I live, it’s challenging without being too difficult, and it would be very comfortable to stay.

So you decide to stay. But of course, you must contact those recruiters to tell them that you’ve decided to stay. You’re not specific about what position you accepted; you don’t want to tell them you’re staying after how much you said you wanted to leave. It’s difficult to turn down potential opportunities, jobs that could deliver a number of interesting possibilities. You never know what might’ve been; sorry Experian I won’t be available to interview, apologies Totaljobs, I won’t be able to come into the interview on Tuesday.

JML... Well, that’s difficult. They do everything in house, from naming new products, to creating the packaging, the instruction leaflets, the marketing campaign and even the TV and radio commercials. Quite a unique position; the sort of thing that would go on in a big agency, and across many departments, not just all in one small organisation. No, you can’t quite bring yourself to turn this one, down. After all, what’s the harm in checking it out? Nothing may even come of it.

You smile through another meeting with the director on Monday, trying to be honest without giving anything away. You go to the interview on Tuesday, seems to go well. Quite a tough test, but luckily you happened to watch one of their videos about a new fancy kitchen knife set, so bit of a stroke of luck when that’s what you need to write about.

In some ways you hope that you don’t get offered the job, that way you can take the easy decision and stay where you are for the money. Of course, nothing’s ever easy. You are offered the job the next day.

Oh what to do. All Christmas is spent trying to decide what’s best. Sure, JML is a much more interesting job, and it’s unique, and I have had plenty of issues with my current job. But the money is so good; you can do a lot with money, and in these difficult volatile economic times, having a bit of cash to hand is no bad thing.

So you decide that the best thing to do is ask JML if they can up there offer. It’s expensive to commute after all. It’s really awkward, you literally clam up, you’re so nervous asking for this. They seem responsive, but they can’t confirm until the office reopens in the new year. And you’ve got a couple of days in the office before new year. And as your boss tells you about all his plans for the new year, and about the new team member who’s starting who’s going to work for you, you feel the pangs of guilt. You want to just tell him you’re probably going to leave, but you know you can’t just in case there are any issues.

Your resolve begins to waver. You see all these news stories about rising prices and problematic economic forecasts. Do you really want to turn down the big money? JML finally call you back. They’re going to meet your offer. You feel relief, joy – but know you must face the music and come clean with your boss.

It helps not that they take time to send you the paperwork and that your boss is away for days ill. The time finally comes, and you sit before him like a naughty school child confessing to a headmaster. He’s disappointed, actually says “ where am I going to find someone as good as you?” You feel guilty, but also immense relief. You’ve done the right thing and it’s the right time to move on.

So yeah basically I’m going to work for JML Direct next month. My Viagra writing days are behind me at last!

December Film Highlights

2011-01-05T23:22:00.003Z

The 50 Word Film Reviews blog has changed domains, and is getting a bit more attention now.

Tron: Legacy (2010) Jeff Bridges, Garret Hedlund, Olivia Wilde, Michael Sheen, Bruce Boxleiter. Dir: Joseph Kosinski.

Years after his computer genius father disappeared, a boy is absorbed into an artificial computer reality. Design – superb; effects – dazzling; soundtrack – excellent; plot – predictable; characters – bland; dialogue – terrible. Worth-seeing, actually yes, it’s pretty good fun, despite its obvious faults.

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The Killer Shrews (1959) James Best, Ingrid Goude, Ken Curtis, Gordon McLendon. Dir: Ray Kellogg

A group of people are trapped on an island surrounded by genetically engineered giant, poisonous shrews. No amount of exposition is going to make shrews scary, and neither is taping some shaggy carpet to some dogs. Would be hilarious if it didn’t mostly consist of people standing around being boring.

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The Shop Around the Corner (1940) Margaret Sullavan, James Stewart, Frank Morgan, Felix Bressart. Dir: Ernst Lubitsch

A shop clerk develops a relationship with a pen-pal, little realising it’s his rival, the junior clerk. A cosy Christmas film, with very sweet comedy and a few surprising dark moments. The pacing and dialogue sweeps by so smoothly, and the romance, two romantics living mundane lives, is very enchanting.

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Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010) Michael Douglas, Shia Lebeouf, Carey Mulligan, Josh Brolin, Frank Langella. Dir: Oliver Stone.

A broker seeks revenge on those who ruined his mentor, by seeking advice from his fiancee’s father, Gordon Gecko. Starts off well, but peters out and reaches an unconvincing conclusion. Focuses on personal relationships without making a clear point about today’s financial world, which is surely why it was made.

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Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Deforest Kelly, Stephen Collins. Dir: Robert Wise.

Kirk takes control of the Enterprise again as a dangerous unknown entity plots a course for earth. Boldy goes nowhere, very slowly. It wallows in its own budget, attempting to create awe, but merely becoming tedious. Slim characterisation and a thin plot don’t help either. Thankfully, better was to come.

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The Old Dark House (1932) Boris Karloff, Melvyn Douglas, Charles Laughton, Ernest Thesigner, Raymond Massey, Gloria Stuart. Dir: James Whale.

A group of travellers take refuge in a house of sinister eccentrics and their alcoholic neanderthal butler. Not really a horror, but a dark comedy about a family of insane inbreeds. Karloff is wasted, but Theisigner and the other cast are great and Whale develops a wonderful atmosphere.

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My Summer of Love (2004) Natalie Press, Emily Blunt, Paddy Considine. Dir: Pawel Pawlikowski

An aimless young village girl and an empty wealthy middle class girl develop a relationship to escape their loneliness. A tender coming of age drama, but one with an unsettling conclusion. Both Blunt and Press put in endearing natural performances and Constantine scores highly as phony born again Christian.

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Forbidden Planet (1956) Walter Pidgeon, Leslie Nielsen, Anne Francis, Jack Kelly. Dir: Fred M. Wilcox

A space crew track down a missing doctor and his daughter, but are attacked by the monster that killed his colleagues. Slow starting, but still provides a visual treat with superb art direction and colour. It boasts an intelligent and intriguing concept even if the leads are a tad dull.

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Top 5 Films of 2010

2011-01-01T21:52:00.004Z

I would be lying if I said I'd seen huge amounts of new films during 2010, but I've seen a fair a few and below are my five favourites. This is based on films released in the UK in 2010, at least one of these was first out in 2009, but not over here, so I couldn't have seen it. It was a tough job, several films almost made it onto the list* but these 5 superlative effort are the one's I feel stop out for me the most.

5) Four Lions

Starring: Riz Ahmed, Arsher Ali, Nigel Lindsay, Kayvan Novak, Adeel Akhtar. Directed by Chris Morris.

A comedy that’s hilarious, but really isn’t very funny. For the first hour we can laugh at the wannabee jihadists incompetence and their ridiculous half-baked ideology, but when they descend on London for the final part, strapped to explosives, their antics become truly frightening. It’s an intelligent and insightful film, which makes a convincing argument that the threat comes less from terrorists, but from more familiar outcasts of society. Just ones with explosive ambitions.

4) Inception

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Hardy, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Cillian Murphy. Directed by Christopher Nolan

A rare example of the intelligent summer blockbuster. Dark, mysterious and complex; it combines spectacular effects with thought-provoking concepts about our perceptions of reality and the sanctity of our own thoughts. It sweeps you up with a formidable pace, and yes, it’s very convoluted, and there may be too many layers to the puzzle box, but excitement and intrigue by far win out.

3) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Starring: Michael Nyqvist, Noomi Rapace, Sven-Bertil Taube, Peter Haber. Directed by Niels Arden Oplev.

A thriller par-excellence. A case of a powerful, incestuous family, with dark secrets is not especially original, and could’ve been given a rather mundane treatment. But the success of the books is in its characters, the formidable morale crusader Blomkvist, and more interestingly, Lisbeth Salander, the goth-computer hacker with a disturbing past and a determination never to be defeated. Nyqvist and Rapace evocatively bring both characters to life, and the icy cold cinematography and careful pacing makes this one of the most exciting and tense mysteries to hit the screen in many years. It was such a hard act to follow that the second and third parts of the trilogy had a tough time competing. And by default, the prospects for the American remake already look bleak.

On a personal note, seeing this film also gave me one of my own personal all-time favourite cinema moments. During one particularly tense scene, one revelation gave a member of the audience such a shock that he literally jumped out of his own chair, and threw his hands up in the air, resembling a solo, spontaneous Mexican wave.

2)The Illusionist

Directed by Sylvain Chomet.

One of two films that left me emotionally drained (see the other below) the Illusionist is the belated second feature animation from Sylvain Chomet, director of Bellevue Rendezvous. It’s based on a never-produced script from French director and comedian Jacques Tati and it follows a stage musician who finds his act going out of date during the sudden cultural upheaval of the 60s. His search for work takes him all the way to Scotland, where in a village he meets a young girl who believes in magic, who then becomes his travelling companion.

The film is melancholy when at its most jolly, and absolutely tear-jerking when at its most tragic. The magician’s life is saved when he meets this young girl, while his contemporaries are not so fortunate. Their careers over, they turn to alcoholism and suicide. The music halls close, and the theatres fill the bill with new beat combos, and our leads future continues to look uncertain. You’d have to have a heart of stone not to feel for those left behind at the cost of the changing times; their long practiced arts suddenly devalued and rendered obsolete. And the animation is stunning; the streets scenes of old Edinburgh are so gorgeous. A downer, but a beautiful one.

1)The Secret in their Eyes

Starring Ricardo Darín, Soledad Villamil, Javier Godino, Guillermo Francella, Pablo Rago. Directed by Juan José Campanella

It’s hard to know where to begin with a film that just has so much going on. To summarise the plot, an Argentinean detective returns home after many years away, planning to write a novel based on an old rape case. Although nasty, the case itself does not immediately appear to be exceptional, but then of course, much more is going on. The detective was in love with the young prosecutor on the case, and their meeting years later rekindles old feelings. And the case turns out to have been far from easily resolved.

This is a film that never quite reveals its full hand. Even when you think you have the full story, it still manages to produce a surprise from nowhere. And although it eventually delivers a happy ending, it’s far from sugar coated. It’s rich with symbolis:, love, loss, regret, corruption, revenge, action, intigue – it has it all, and never feels overcrowded, overblown, contrived, or earnest. The blend is perfect, and the film more than deserved it’s Oscar. Simply one of the best films I’ve ever seen.

* oh Human Centipede, you were so close.

Snow

2010-12-24T14:47:00.002Z

Many people have fallen victim to the UK's pitifully woeful response to snowy conditions. I fortunately was only slightly effected, alas, others I know have missed their holidays, or been stuck in airports for days.

By far however, my favourite snow related travel mishap has occured within the A50 tunnel in Stoke. The A50 is a bypass which handily allows you to pass right through Stoke-on-Trent with ease. The A50 tunnel passes under a round-about in the town of Meir, handily helping to reduce traffic in this very busy area.

However, due to the snow, there was a power cut, and the lights inside the tunnel, which is not very long, went out. Thus, for the safety of drivers the tunnel was closed. This of course led to huge traffic jams and more stress during the holiday period.

This incident did make we wonder whether some one ought to invent some kind of device, which you could attach to a car, that would allow you to see in the dark. Some sort of illuminating device that drivers could use in times of reduced vision that would help them to see where they were going...

Merry Christmas.

2010-12-15T23:57:00.000Z

November Film Highlights

2010-12-04T23:46:00.003Z

Read more at the blog.

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest (2010) Noomi Rapace, Michael Nyqvist, Lena Endre, Annika Halin. Dir: Daniel Alfredson

While Lisbeth recovers in hospital, Blomkvist tries to uncover the organisation that’s determined to silence her. The final chapter is a conspiracy thriller; lower on incidence but still maintains the same edge-of-the-seat tension. If only Rapace and Nyqvist had more screen time together. A fine end to a fine trilogy.

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The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957) Grant Williams,Randy Stuart, April Kent, Paul Langton. Dir: Jack Arnold

A man is caught in a strange mist, and begins to shrink. Too melodramatic, it’s not ‘till the second half that it becomes the adventure yarn it should be. Effects are decent, but ostentatious narration will make you cheer for him to be squished .And the ending is unbelievable.

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Murder, My Sweet (1944) Dick Powell, Claire Trevor, Anne Shirley, Otto Kruger. Dir: Edward Dmytryk

A botched ransome handover and a missing nightclub singer add up to trouble for Philip Marlow. Unfairly overshadowed by Bogart, Powell is excellent as the cynical PI, and backed by a strong supporting cast. Set the template for many seedy noir thrillers to come, and benefits from sequences of expressionist flair.

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The Mark of the Vampire (1935) Lionel Barrymore, Bela Lugosi, Lionel Atwill, Elizabeth Allan. Dir: Tod Browning.

Vampires are accused of murdering a wealthy man and return for his daughter a year later. One of the silliest and most anti-climatic of early horrors. Lugosi lingers silently while Barrymore chatters endlessly. Sort of fun; the ending is so nonsensical that one expects a Shyamalan remake any day now.

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The Abominable Dr Phibes (1971) Vincent Price, Joseph Cotten, Peter Jeffrey, Virginia North. Dir: Robert Fuest

A mad organist plans elaborate deaths for the doctors responsible for his wife death. Deliberately outlandish horror lark which delights in camp flamboyance. Being built around grisly, creative, death sequences causes some pacing issues, but if viewed with tongue in cheek it is more than worth a few good laughs.

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Mystery at the Wax Museum (1933) Lionel Atwill, Fay Wray, Glenda Farrell,Frank McHugh. Dir: Michael Curtiz

A new wax museum opens, but the sculptures are too life-like, almost familiar.... Superior to the remakes, but seldom seen. It’s not just fascinating for its early colour and pre-production code dialogue, but also for it’s fine set design, dramatic direction and extremely strong script.

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House of Wax (1953) Vincent Price, Frank Lovejoy, Charles Bronson, Carolyn Jones. Dir: Andre De Toth.

Another new wax museum opens, but the sculptures are far too life like, almost familiar... Inferior to the original, in both direction and the script, but generally good fun. The horror is played up and Price is good fun as always as the villain. Was originally 3D, hence the amazing paddle-ball man.

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House of Wax (2005) Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Van Holt, Paris Hilton. Dir: Jaume Collet-Serra.

Beautiful youngsters get stranded near a ghost town with a sinister wax museum. It’s as if they wanted to remake Texas Chainsaw but were forced to do this instead. They clearly didn’t understand what made the originals work and made a bland, clichéd, rubbish teen slasher instead. It’s boring too.

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The 50 Word Curse

2010-11-30T23:33:00.002Z

I’m approaching my 200th review on the 50 Word Film Reviews Blog, and if you add reviews published on this blog, far more than that. The blog is boasting, on average, a hundred hits a day, which is not bad for something I have no idea how to promote, and has a dedicated 16 – 18 daily readers (woo-hoo). And in terms of ad revenue I have earned an estimated 7 pence (that’s estimated, not confirmed)

In order to keep the blog supplied with daily reviews, I have been putting up 5 a week. Now I have of course been reprinting the reviews featured on this blog, but they can only last so long. And for the past month and a half I’ve been trying my best to not use the remaining old reviews, which are not many in number. I’ve been using new reviews, brand-spanking new reviews from films I’ve newly sat down and watched.

Now just try and think about this logistically. 5 films for 5 entries – every week. Now as the average film is 90 minutes in length we are talking about roughly, 7 and a half hours every week spent watching films, minimum.

I don’t have to tell you how f*****g difficult that is. Believe it or not, I do have a reasonably active social life and also have French lessons* currently biting away at my time. This is quite a commitment and one I’m not fulfilling with ease.

One might wonder whether, considering the results, it’s really worth all this effort. Not that I couldn’t do with the occasional additional seven pence or so. Oh well, I’m up for a challenge. Let’s see how long I can keep this up.

*I shit ye not. Can’t say as I’m doing very well either.

For the Love of: Proper Movie Trailers

2010-11-22T22:06:00.002Z

Whether the output of Hollywood today is better or worse than it has been before*, one thing is for certain, and that is that the quality of film trailers is most definitely in decline. If you needed proof, take a look at this trailer for the new George Clooney movie. I wonder if the hunter is going to become the hunted....

Not so long ago I blogged about horror movie trailers. They were pretty silly, but they illustrate how a movie trailer can make a film look and appear exciting, even when the film itself is probably dreadful. Think to yourself, when was the last time you saw a film trailer that made you really excited about seeing film?

And I don’t mean that film that you were excited about seeing already; it doesn’t count if you wet yourself watching the new Harry Potter trailer, you were excited about seeing that anyway. But when was the last time you heard about a film you’d never heard about and were persuaded by the trailer to see it. I can’t think of many.

Here are a few examples of the lost art of the movie trailer. Yeah, they’re a bit long, but they weren’t just out-sourced to some lousy marketing company, filmmakers took proper time to make them and even film special footage for them....

*Well it's certainly not better is it? Just arguably not worse.

Album review

2010-11-15T22:21:00.001Z

I wrote this album review a short while ago....

It's for Clinic's most recent album Bubblegum. I didn't care for it much.

October Film Highlights

2010-11-07T13:31:00.004Z

The obligatory link to the blog.

The Illusionist (2010) Dir: Sylvian Chomet.

A musical hall magician struggling to find work in the 60s meets a girl in Scotland who believes in magic. A film so beautiful (the Edinbugh scenes are stunning), yet so heart-wrenchingly tragic - it deals with the casualties of the changing times. It’ll put a tear in your eye.

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Cat People (1982) Nastassja Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard, Annette O'Toole. Dir: Paul Schrader

An orphan finds her brother, who believes they are were-cats that can only mate with each other. The subtly of the original is lost on this tawdry and lurid remake. The story, now more erotic than horrific, has potential, but it’s undermined by melodramatic direction and some laughably gratuitous nudity.

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Scott Pilgrim Vs the World (2010) Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Brandon Routh, Jason Schwartzman. Dir: Edgar Wright.

A slacker kid falls in love with a mysterious girl, but must battle her seven evil exes before he can win her heart. Hilarious teen romance transformed into an action comic book and pop-culture piss-take. A little long perhaps, but consistently funny and imaginatively brought to life on screen.

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It Happened One Night (1934) Clark Gable, Claudette Colbert, Walter Connolly, Roscoe Karns Dir: Frank Capra

An heiress on the run from her father gets help from a willing journalist as she tries to reach her new husband. One of the first and best road-trip comedies. Gable and Colbert are the perfect double act, the screenplay is virtually laugh-a-minute, and Capra never lets the pace drop.

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She (1965) Ursula Andress, Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, John Richardson, Bernard Cribbins. Dir: Robert Day

A former soldier is lead to a lost city by ‘she who must be obeyed’ as she believes him to be her reincarnated lover. Much more lavish than the average hammer horror, but pretty dull otherwise. The pace is languid and the leads have no chemistry. Lee is completely wasted.

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The Seventh Victim (1943) Tom Conway, Jean Brooks, Isabel Jewell, Kim Hunter. Dir: Mark Robson.

A girl comes to the city in search of her missing sister and uncovers a sinister conspiracy. With excellent cinematography and a great build-up, it’s a real shame that this one doesn’t quite deliver, due to a vague expurgated script and cinema’s dullest cult of Satanists.

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W (2008) Josh Brolin, Elizabeth Banks, James Cromwell, Ellen Burstyn, Richard Dreyfuss. Dir: Oliver Stone.

A look at George Dubya’s rise and time in power. Starts off with a balanced portrayal but slips eventually into parody. The needlessly non-linear storyline only emphasises the lack of focus, taking chunks of Ws life without really providing an overarching thesis. The supporting cast are all one dimensional.

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A Bucket of Blood (1959) Dick Miller, Ed Nelson, Bert Convy, Antony Carbone. Dir: Roger Corman

A young artist becomes a success after creating a series of very life-like sculptures... Amusing Corman cheapie which has some good pops at pretentious artists and their world. Naturally the sets are few, and it’s not exactly thrilling (there’s no bucket or blood), but it’s a pleasant 60 minute distraction.

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Scenes from Croydon

2010-10-31T17:16:00.006Z

Yes, Electric House, sounds like a place of atmosphere, a place of excitement.... Is it a legendary music venue? A club where banging tunes are pumped out from dawn till dusk? Where legends of music, the Stones, The Pistols, The Clash, played live? Where they recorded heavily bootlegged Peel sessions before they hit the big time?

Or is it location of one of the UK Border Agencies offices? Yes, it's the second one. Welcome to Croydon, Land of Disappointment.

Scenes from Stoke: The Council House Palace

2010-10-24T20:04:00.004+01:00

A man’s home is his castle - as the saying goes, and the owner of this fine abode in the upmarket neighbourhood of Meir has taken that sentiment very much to heart. So proud of his home was he that he decided to raise columns as if it were some kind of Greek palace - just one with double glazing.

And with these fine columns, he constructed a balcony. Somewhere where he could relax and enjoy the atmosphere, site and smells. That of the A50 dual carriageway, Stoke-On-Trent’s most famous and popular road.

Popular of course, as it’s the quickest way to drive through Stoke without having to stop. Alas, last time I passed by, the house was up for sale. Sadly, the owner has had a spot of bother with some of the neighbours. Particularly with one who was a BNP member, who I believe is now dead. Who would’ve thought that the creator of such beauty could be unhinged...

2010-10-17T00:35:00.000+01:00

September Film Highlights

2010-10-06T20:42:00.003+01:00

Check out the 50 Word Film Review Blog for more. Some people actually commented on it last week, it's really going places...

Inception (2010) Leonardo DiCaprio, Marion Coutillard, Tom Hardy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page. Dir: Christopher Nolan.

DiCaprio extracts secrets through people’s dreams, but can he plant an idea in the same way? A dense mind-bending blend of concepts that can dazzle, baffle, inspire and confuse all at once. Easy to pick holes, but sweeps you up with such creativity, mystery and spectacle, that it barely matters.

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The Secret in Their Eyes (2010) Ricardo Darín, Soledad Villamil, Guillermo Francella, Pablo Rago. Dir: Juan José Campanella

A retired detective revisits an old case he wishes to turn into a novel, reawakening old emotions and an unrequited love. Touches on many themes, love, loss, justice, regret, letting go; the actors and direction are immaculate and constantly manages to surprise. Best film of the year?

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Cloverfield (2008) Michael Stahl-David, T. J. Miller, Jessica Lucas, Odette Yustman, Lizzy Caplan. Dir: Matt Reeves.

A monster attacks New York while beautiful teens have a party; they capture the action on camera as they flee. An interesting conceit, but not one that ever really convinces thanks to the clichéd characters, consistent camera work and movie plotting. Nevetheless, it does provide plenty of excitement.

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Hunger (2008) Michael Fassbender, Liam Cunningham, Liam McMahon, Raymond Lohan. Dir: Steve McQueen.

When the no-wash protest fails to restore their rights as political prisoners, Irish Republican Bobby Sands goes on hunger strike. A brutal and troubling film about people so determined to win at all costs that they lose sight of what they’re trying to achieve. Fassbender and Cunningham are electric.

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The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007) Brad Pitt, Casey Affleck, Jeremy Renner, Sam Rockwell. Dir: Andrew Dominik.

Robert Ford idolises outlaw Jesse James and the two of them develop a strained relationship. A slow burner which pays off in the final hour, though it always proceeds at a stately pace. Stunningly shot, the title is misleading, but then again, legends aren't built on truth.

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The Good German (2006) George Clooney, Cate Blanchett, Tobey Maguire. Dir: Steven Soderburgh

A military journalist encounters his old flame in post WW2 Berlin and gets sucked into a murder investigation. Cleverly wraps a noir storyline around a convincing historical scenario, and the cinematography is striking, but Clooney’s character is thin and the twists become irritating rather than intriguing. A missed opportunity.

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Cat People (1942) Simone Simon, Kent Smith, Tom Conway, Jane Randolph. Dir: Jacques Tourneur.

Irena is afraid of showing affection for her husband for fear of transforming into a vicious cat. The first of Val Lewton’s horrors virtually invented the technique of never showing your monster. Psychologically complex and featuring Tourneurs characteristics shadows, it has style and depth that few other horrors can match.

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And it Was One Hell of a Ticket Booth... Well Deserving of a Plaque

2010-09-30T23:41:00.001+01:00

What I Learnt this Week...

2010-09-29T23:20:00.004+01:00

The study of stamps and postal history is called Philately.

Which doesn't at all sound like something rude when you say it out loud.

From Dave's News Place....

2010-09-19T22:53:00.007+01:00

Researchers prove that money can buy you happiness

Click on news story to zoom in.

All the Dave's News Place stories have now been migrated to this blog. You can find them all by clicking the tab at the top middle.

10 More Things You Probably Didn't Know About The Federated State of Micronesia

2010-09-09T23:45:00.003+01:00

1) Micronesia is scattered over an ocean expanse 5 times the size of France, although its total land mass is very small.

2) As part of their ‘Compact of Free Association’ with the US, the US takes responsibility for the defence of the island and has the right to set up military bases and deny other nations access to Micronesia. In return, Micronesia receives $100m in financial aid per year, and Micronesians have the right to live and work in the US.

3) Despite its small population, Micronesia has a high unemployment rate, a problem which is being exacerbated by the number of Filipino migrant workers.

4) Many Micronesians live without electricity or running water, which is in short supply and is sometimes rationed.

5) Micronesia has no daily newspaper, but the government does print a fortnightly newsletter for all citizens.

6) Despite being the largest and most populous island in Micronesia, Pohnpei only has about 10 restaurants.

7) The State of Kosrae is an island which is called ‘the sleeping lady’ because of it’s shape. See for yourself...

8) The Island state of Pohnpei is one of the wettest places on earth, with an average rainfall exceeding 300 inches.

9) Pohnpei is often accused of having a national football team that is “the worst team in the world”, although Pohnpei is not actually a nation.

10) The most noticeable Micronesian athlete is Elias Rodriguez, who ran in the Sydney Olympics. He finished last; the closing ceremony was in fact delayed to allow his finish.

August Film Highlights

2010-08-31T01:01:00.008+01:00

Read more at the 50 Word Film Reviews blog...

The Girl Who Played with Fire (2010) Noomi Rapace, Michael Nyqvist, Lena Endre, Peter Andersson. Dir: Daniel Alfredson.

Lisbeth is accused of the murder of 3 people, Blomkvist must dig deep into her dark past in order to save her. Never quite catches fire like the previous instalment, but the ending sure does leave you desperate for more. The actors, photography and direction remain impeccable.

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Soylent Green (1973) Charlton Heston, Edward G Robinson, Leigh Taylor-Young, Chuck Connors. Dir: Richard Fleischer

Earth is overcrowded; mankind relies on the Soylent company for food, and one of their former executives has been murdered. A sour but quite brilliant piece of science fiction. Well realised, despite modest effects, it believably portrays what our future might be, and provides disturbing food for thought.

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The Killer Inside Me (2010) Casey Affleck, Jessica Alba, Kate Hudson, Bill Pullman. Dir: Michael Winterbottom

A sheriff begins an abusive relationship with a prostitute, awaking a desire for sadism and murder. Affleck is brilliant as the sweet voiced young psychopath, but this noir tale of dark goings on in a small town offers very little that’s not been seen before, besides the brutal violence.

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Fallen Angel (1945) Alice Faye, Dana Andrews, Linda Darnell, Charles Bickford, John Carradine. Dir: Otto Preminger.

A broke publicity man falls for a waitress, but marries a widower for her money; then the waitress is murdered. Has its moments, Andrews redemption, Carradine’s as a dodgy psychic... but thin characterisations let it down. Waitress is such a cow, it’s hard to fathom why everyone wants her.

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Oldboy (2003) Choi Min-sik, Yu Ji-tae, Kang Hye-jeong. Dir: Park Chan-wook.

A man kidnapped, locked-up and released after 15 years, without explanation, picks up a hammer and looks for answers. Grabs you by the throat and doesn’t let go, right up to the jaw-dropping finale. The only way to be free is to leave the past behind... Brutal and completely brilliant.

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The Invisible Man (1932) Claude Rains, Gloria Stuart, Henry Travers, William Harrigan. Dir: James Whale.

A man who cannot be seen goes insane and terrorises a small town. The first and best version; the dramatic, but often hilarious script, is killer, and the effects are still impressive. Whale is at the top of his game and Rains manic performance is the icing on the cake.

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10 things you probably didn’t know about the Federated States of Micronesia

2010-08-25T23:11:00.003+01:00

1, The Federated States of Micronesia is made up of four states: Yap, Chuuk, Pohnpei and Kosrae.

2, Micronesia is made up of 607 different islands, spreading over 1,700 miles.

3, Despite spreading across more than 1,000,000 square miles, the islands themselves only have 270 square miles of land.

4, The population of Micronesia is only 108,105

5, English is the official language of the Federated States, but each state has its own language: Trukese, Pohnpeian, Yapese, Kosraean.

6, The islands of Yap is home to more than 6,500 Rai Stones large limestone discs, some as large as wagon wheels, with a hole carved in the middle. They are thought to be a form of ancient currency.

7, Many natives of Pohnpei exhibit an extreme form of colour blindness known as maskun.

8, The Federated States of Micronesia formed their own constitution in 1979. Prior to this, they had been a United Nations Trust Territory under U.S. administration.

9, Their currency is the US dollar.

10, Over the last 10 years, there has been on average 38 people in prison at a time.

What I learnt this week...

2010-08-11T23:21:00.004+01:00

This week I learnt that peope with a BMI (body mass index) of over 50 are known as the 'super obese'.

I imagine it's because this is the stage at when a fat person begins to develop super powers. They no longer have to consume food; they can simply absorb anything by smoothering it with their own mass.

Apologies for the infrequent posting, but I am extremely busy at the moment, with work and... other things. I would elaborate, but I may be being watched...

Film Highlights from July

2010-08-01T22:55:00.006+01:00

Read more at the 50 Word Film Reviews blog.

The Fountain (2006) Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz. Dir: Darren Aronofsky

In 3 different time periods a man tries to save his dying love with the help of the tree of life. A dazzling rush that packs a breathtaking amount into 95 minutes. Metaphysical clap-trap or a meditation on love, destiny and death? – opinions will be divided. Definitely worth seeking out.

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Man On Wire (2008) Dir: James Marsh

Wire walker Philippe Petit has (illegally) done his act across landmarks all over the world, but his dream is the twin towers... An absolutely gripping story of obsession and daring with a fascinating cast of characters. Not just a brilliant story, but a brilliant piece of documentary filmmaking.

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Hard Candy(2005) Ellen Page, Patrick Wilson. Dir: David Slade.

A man lures a 14 year old he met on the internet to his home, but then she takes him hostage. Sharply directed psychological thriller with 2 exceptional lead performances, but it goes on too long and the final quarter is more clichéd. Warning: includes some mild castration.

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Get Carter(1971) Michael Caine, Ian Hendry, John Osborne, Britt Ekland. Dir: Mike Hodges

A violent London gangster travels up north to find out who killed is brother. A stark, cold thriller that features Caine in one of his most striking and impressive roles as brutal sociopath. What it lacks in substance, it more than makes up for in style, intensity and pure grit.

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This Film Is Not Yet Rated(2002) Dir: Kirby Dick.

A look into the secretive Motion Picture Association of America and how it rates films. A bold eye-opening look at the hypocrisy and bizarre behaviour of a subtly powerful organisation, which culminates in the unmasking of its secret raters. A smart, insightful argument for a better system.

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Road to Perdition(2002) Tom Hanks, Paul Newman, Jude Law, Daniel Craig. Dir: Sam Mendes.

A high ranking mobster must go on the run with his son, after he witnesses a murder carried out by the boss’ son. A handsome looking film, but ultimately, not a very gripping one. The film feels slow, the characters 1 dimensional, and Hanks is just too dull.

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Harvey(1950) James Stewart, James Stewart, Josephine Hull, Peggy Dow, Charles Drake. Dir: Henry Koster.

Jolly Stewart’s relatives try to have him committed for having an invisible 6 foot rabbit as a best friend. A delightful farce; Steward is wonderful as jolly hero whose relentless optimism and cheer brings out the madness and eventually, the best in others. Supporting cast is also excellent.

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Battle of Algiers(1966) Brahim Haggiag, Jean Martin, Saadi Yacef. Dir: Gillo Pontecorvo.

A reconstruction of events in Algiers in the 50s as the French try to suppress the movement for independence. So realistic in its depiction of guerrilla warfare it was screened at the pentagon before the Iraq war. A masterpiece of realism, as relevant today as it ever was.

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Cultural Fun Things I Did Around London

2010-07-20T23:09:00.003+01:00

I enjoyed a number of cultural type entertainments last week, here’s what they were and what they were like:

An Audience with Clarke Peters

The Wire’s Lester Freeman took the stage to discuss his career, his big TV break through and his socio-political views of life in London. It was pretty sweltering in the E4 Udderbelly tent, and the small audience where perspiring heavily while the old luvvy regaled us with his acting adventures. It was clear from the off that Mr Peters was pretty full of himself, and some his jokes found more favour from him than the audience. An impersonation of Lance Reddick’s walk met with general all round bemusement.

Still, Mr Peters had plenty of interesting stories, of particular interest where his tales of preparing for The Wire by spending time with Policeman in Baltimore, as well as the turf wars caused because of filming – gangs were forced to move to different corners. Now an expert on racial tensions, Peters went on to quiz the audience as to whether they thought London was going the same way as Baltimore. To be fair to him, his opinions were sensible and well balanced. And his stories about doing school theatre with the Travolta family raised a few smiles. An engaging, if slightly too self -assured, performance.

Penn & Teller: Live at the Hammersmith Apollo

Me and my brother used to watch Penn & Teller when we were kids so we both had a sense of excitement at seeing these two old pros. We weren’t disappointed; besides being great magicians and professional showmen, Penn & Teller are also excellent comedians, and while certain tricks were designed to surprise and delight, others were simply there for comic value.

Amongst the highlights was Penn guessing what joke members of the audience at the back of the auditorium had chosen from joke books distributed at random; and Penn getting a card trick apparently wrong thus preventing him from saving Teller from drowning in a water tank. Perhaps the best trick was about misdirection; a man from the audience was given control of a camera, which record scenes played on the screens on either side of the stage. Penn then performed slight of hand tricks in front of the camera, deliberately directing the limited view scope away from Teller who was rather obviously handing and taking away objects in full view of the audience. But the trick was on us, the man from the audience was Teller after all. And the man handing Penn objects had disappeared...

Smart, fun and very, very funny.

An Audience with Alexei Sayle
Sayle is often considered to be the father of alternative comedy, and was voted number 12 in Channel 4’s Top 100 stand-ups list. Yet, Sayle hasn’t done stand up since the mid 80’s. As a fan of his work, seeing him read extracts from his new autobiography ‘Stalin Ate My Homework’ was as close as I was going to get. It was easy, right from the off, to see why Sayle was so popular. He comes on, arms outstretched - an enormous, unstoppable personality. While seen mostly today as an interviewee or documentary presenter, on stage Sayle becomes unstoppable, almost rabid, as he tells tall tales of growing up in a strict communist household.

Highlights included the time he was prevented from seeing fascist Disney’s Bambi, and instead, was given a real treat – a chance to see Sergei Eisenstein’s 1939 classic Alexander Nevsky. Then there was the time he swore in front of his mother, which unleashed so many years of repressed swearing from her, that from that point on, she swore more heavily than anyone Sayle knew, to the point where he was afraid to bring his friends home.

The audience deliberately tried to rile him up with questions about Ben Elton and the Communist Worker’s Party. But Sayle loudly implored them to give him a break when quizzed on the current coalition government. All in all, he was in fine form, a larger than life personality who really ought to be on stage or on TV much more than he is.

British Film Institute Lectures: ‘This Film is Dangerous’ and ‘The Search for the Most Wanted’

Despite being sweltering outside, these 2 illuminating talks, which were staged to celebrate 75 years of the National Film archive, were largely packed out.

The first talk discussed nitrate film, the explosive former film stock which was used once in all cinemas around Britain, but today, is largely illegal. Only the British Film Institute is legally able to show the films, which besides being highly flammable, also decay considerably over time. The talk included an educational film which showed how to deal with fires caused by nitrate film. The answer being, actually, very little if you let it get going. The stuff is quite terrifying once it sparks. Although with the copy and paste film slides, and some video queuing issues, it was a little amateurish, it was a well constructed and interesting talk about an important part of cinema history.

The 2nd talk was about films missing from the archive and showed some of the existing footage that had been discovered. Things were a lot more organised this time, but with the differing films and the almost random selection of films, it was a little disjointed. Nevertheless it was very informative the speakers were very engaging and there was a touch of mystery about seeing parts of film which may never actually get shown on a big screen again.

Scenes From Stoke: The Church of the Holy Boxing

2010-07-12T22:22:00.004+01:00

Worship not on thy knees, but with thy fists. Sadly, religeon hasn't been so popular in Stoke of recent times, except with kids who like to pick up rocks and throw them at windows. But casual violence has continued to grow and grow, so why not get the kids in to pay to hit each other, while their birds get a tan out back? Twas an idea as divine as heaven itself.