6 reasons why vampires are shite

I've been rather busy at work in the run up to Christmas, hence the blogging draught. However, there's always time for hate, which is why, in the light of the bloody awful teen vampire cak around at the moment, here are 6 reasons why vampires are rubbish.

1, They have no reflection

So how come they always look so bloody stylish? The smart haircuts, the perfectly tailored outfits; how the hell are they doing that? Is siring a beautician and stylist the first thing that every vampire does as soon as they become undead? That and robbing the first branch of Boots for a supply of eye liner? Vampires are supposed to be tough, but they always they’ve just stepped out of a Next catalogue.

2, They’re homeless people

There’s not an abundance of castles around, and not many large crypts at your local church yard either, so exactly where are these vampires living? It’s not like that they can afford a flat, where are they going to work? All night Tesco? It’s quite hard to work when you’re dead, you’ll find it hard to get a P45 or a tax code; the only thing you can do is turn to begging or petty crime, and that’s not so cool if it’s your bag that gets nicked.

3, They’re practically paedophiles

Why is it that most vampires, decades, even millennia old, are always going after girls who are barely, if not even, legal? Mortal men who do such things get put on a register and get bricks through their window, but suddenly, once you dead, it’s perfectly find, positively romantic

I know men are prone to like teenage girls, but why would they want to spend time with them? Do you know how boring teenage girls are? A vampire who’s lived for a hundred years is hardly going to be interested in the latest phone apps, the new episode of HollyOaks or how like totally deep the new My Chemical Romance album is.

4, They’re rapists

If a man gets a girl drunk and sleeps with her, or gives her rohipnol and sleeps with her, then that’s rape. But if a vampire seduces a women using mesmerism after lurking outside and coming into her bedroom window, then he’s all mysterious and elegant and dangerous in a good, non criminal way.

5, Loving a vampire is necrophilia

Yeah - they’re dead! Getting with a vampire is basically the same as getting with a corpse. Sure, they’re a bit more animated, but they have no body heat, because they have no blood flow, which not only makes them pasty and pale, but also leads to my next point...

6, They’re impotent

Do you know how men get an erection? It caused by an increase of blood flow into the penile tissue, which causes the penis to become engorged, and therefore, erect. So with no heart beat, and no blood being pumped through them, how on earth is a vampire going to get it up? Sorry girls, but if one of these undead paedophiles does try to get it on with you, it’s going to be a bit disappointing.

October/November Films

HThe Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009): Heath Ledger, Christopher Plummer, Tom Waits, Lily Cole, Verne Troyer, Andrew Garfield. Dir: Terry Gilliam.

Plummer is an immortal master of a portal to the imagination, but a deal with the devil could cost him his daughter. Quintessential Gilliam, the visuals have his dazzling individual touch, but the details of the plot are confusing and not always easy to comprehend. Multiple viewings may well help.

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300 (2007) Gerard Butler, Lena Headey, Dominic West, David Wenham. Dir: Zack Snyder.

300 brave Spartans go up against the demonic Persian army. A film that makes He-Man look profound. The action and violence is dazzlingly realised but quickly becomes monotonous and incessant. Fans of bad dialogue and big men in pants will get the most out of it.

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Hail the Conquering Hero (1944) Eddie Bracken, Ella Raines, William Demarest. Dir: Preston Sturges.

A young soldier returning from the war is hailed as a hero, even though he was discharged before even shipping out. Smart and sharp comedy about the nature of hero worship. Fast paced and well performed, they just don’t make em like this anymore.

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Nosferatu (1922) Max Schreck, Gustav von Wangenheim, Greta Schröder, Alexander Granach. Dir: F.W. Murnau.

Legendary illegal adaptation of Bram Stoker’s classic. Brilliantly realised with its sinister shadows and creepy sets, it may no longer terrify, but it’s striking scenes unforgettable. The gruesome depiction of the Count is refreshingly original, so far from today’s bland teenage bunch.

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The Brides of Dracula (1960) Peter Cushing, Martita Hunt, Yvonne Monlaur, David Peel. Dir: Terence Fisher.

Having vanquished Dracula, Van Helsing comes to the aid of a woman who is being pursued by a handsome vampire. One of Hammer’s best; well paced, with some good characters and a few nasty twists. Cushing is in particularly dynamic good form; only Lee is missing, Peel doesn’t cut it.

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Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix (2007) Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Michael Gambon, Imelda Staunton, Gary Oldman. Dir: David Yates.

As Voldemort gathers his forces, Harry is left persecuted from all corners and unable to fight. The most satisfying of the Potter films to date; the adaptation is superior, feeling less obviously paired down from a lengthier work. The darker themes are engaging, the characters strong and the finale impressive.

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Macbeth (1948) Orson Welles, Jeanette Nolan, Dan O'Herlihy, Roddy McDowall. Dir: Orson Welles.

Shot in 3 weeks and for little money; Welles’ version is condensed, the speeches long but rushed through, making it hard to follow. Some of the acting is uneven. But the mist filled, foreboding sets and grim shadows give the film a sense of dark spectacle and power that is unmatched in other adaptations.

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