Yet Even More Bad Trailers

They're not good, but when compared to trailers like Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close and 21 Jump Street, they seem positively bursting with vitality.

Hell of the Living Dead

You’re supposed to pick the best moments for your movie trailer, not just any old bits of the movie. And not 4 minutes worth of bits. Even the zombies look tired – watch for the one who puts the gun in his mouth voluntarily. Still, nice to see some of the characters get offed in the trailer, so you know not to care about them.



Alienator

They can escape a whole spaceship’s security force but they can’t escape a sexually confused super-soldier on earth?



Scalps

At what point do they disturb the graves of the dead? I don’t think they need worry too much, native American monsters can’t seemingly can’t perform acts of vengeance away from a black background – true fact.

As if massacring them and taking their land wasn’t insulting enough…



The Frozen Dead

But, it says that they were frozen alive right at the beginning, so how can they be dead? And why are their arms sticking out of a wall? If you can put a living head in a box surely you can store and preserve limbs in a more sensible manner.



The Doberman Gang

And you thought violent dogs were a contemporary problem. Let’s hope the council estate kids don’t start having these ideas… Although, frankly, the cost of training the dogs and then the printing and decorating costs of building such an elaborate rehearsal set would mean that they would have to commit three robberies before they broke even.



1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS

One man, you say, but which man? Who is it? Don’t keep us in suspense – oh, wait, you didn’t.



It Came Without Warning

Who in this trailer doesn’t get a warning? I mean there’s the squeaking sound for starters… Maybe just wear a balaclava or a hat?



Attack of the Puppet People

They’re not puppets and they’re not attacking anyone. That’s a double fail. And they don’t seem to mind being small that much; doesn’t stop them putting on a show.



The Glamazon Bone Crushers of The Wrestling World

Things were tough before internet porn. It’s no coincidence that when the titles say 70 minutes of interrupted action, the 70 looks like 10 – and that’s just the skipping rope scene.

A New Bad Trailer

Now here's a film that's got it all. Walking... Standing... Sitting down... Running... A big white house... What else could you possibly want?

Even More Bad Movie Trailers

In all fairness, none of these films look like they have much to work with.

Gymkata

A deadly fusion of gymnastics and karate… and his best weapon is himself! I’d still take a gun along if it were me.



Seize the Formula

Some days it’s just fight after fight after fight – you’ve barely enough time to say a line of dialogue. I’m guessing the formula they’re seizing is to never have more than 20 seconds pass without throwing a punch or shooting someone.



Blood Beach

Oh I get it, in Jaws it was dangerous to be in the water, now it’s dangerous to be on the sand. Ingenious. Always good to hear a narrator who likes to take his time.



Chopping Mall

You could pretty much just leave if you wanted to. Plenty of Fire Exits I’d expect.



Terrorgram

Yeah, yeah people get ironic deliveries in the post that punish them for past crimes, don’t milk it for 3 minutes, we get it. And a soundtrack is more than just the same few notes looped over and over and over. James Earl Jones, you can do better than this!



Deadly Prey

With that many grunts and cries, it’s got to be good. So violent no man could even keep his shirt on!



Final Exam

Walking slowly through doors and quickly through corridors – now that’s terrifying.



Varan: the Unbelievable

Yep, unbelievable. Not even all those different fonts can make Varan a terrifying vision, but kudos on the voiceover guy for trying so hard.

More bad trailers

Just remember when you see these, that they were made to actually make you want to watch the movie ...

The Loch Ness Horror

Yes, it truly is horrible.


Gator Bait

Nothing says knife-edge drama like a good ol' fashioned hoedown. She's feral, but with really good hair - and just check out that cry of anger.



Mr Vampire

Legend tells of a montage which makes no sense. I suppose they could be trying to disguise the fact that this martial arts film might be a foreign film, because obviously there are no other clues. I think there's even a vampire in it somewhere.



Tommy and the Cool Mule

I guess there really are some things that Eddie Murphy won't do.



Zone Troopers

Are they inside the spaceship or outside the spaceship? And is there a barn and a cave in the spaceship? And just how big is the spaceship? It does take war to a whole new dimension. One where continuity does not exist.



A*P*E

I appreciate the voiceover's effort, but in all honesty, it kind of looks like you could stroll away from him; this is a monkey who seems to like taking his time. Not sure what the asterisks are about.



Starcrash

Jason and the Argonauts in space! I'm not sure at which point stars actually crash. Warning: containts Hasselhoff, and bizarrely, Christopher Plummer - well, after The Sound of Music it's only right that he should suffer.

For the Love of...Bad Movie Trailers

I've blogged once or twice about film trailers before. It's a dying art alas - there was a time when a trailer could really get you excited about a film, but no one seems to know how to make anything that doesn't seem formuliac*.

Back in the 60s and 70s if you had a terrible cheapo horror movie you could make up for it all by making an amazing trailer that made it sound like the most horrifying, bloodlusting, mutilating, cannibal rape f**k ever made.

Some films, however, can never be saved. Here is a tribute to some of the worst movie trailers ever made.

House on the Edge of the Park

You know you’re on to a loser when the trailer can’t even get the title of the film right. Still, as home invasions by rapacious thugs go, this one sure as hell is funky. So suspenseful... I particularly enjoyed the gratuitous boob and fanny shots.



C Me Dance

I wish God punished stupid spelling. I’m not convinced they made this trailer after they made the film, it sort of looks like they got the actors to say a bunch of random lines and poorly shot them. She’s a dying dancer and she’s the new saviour or something. And the devil's a bad Steven Seagal impersonator who's out to get her. If this movie isn't pure blasphemy I don’t know what is.



Tiptoes

When even the trailer can’t decide whether the tone is comic or melodramatic, then it doesn’t really speak to well of the film itself. Do we laugh at the small people, or feel for them and their plight? Oh poor Gary Oldman, he really thought playing a midget would get him that Oscar. Better find a better disability next time Gary.



Gooby

Jesus Christ if Gooby came within 50ft of me I’d beat him to death with a steel pipe. Why the hell did anyone think letting this monstrosity near children would make a good movie? Did they make up their own film festivals to promote the movie? Robbie Coltrane, what have you done?! And Eugene Levy, haven’t you done enough terrible films already, can even your judgement be this warped!



The Incredible Melting Man

Nothing grabs the attention like a fat nurse running through a glass door. I’ve actually seen this film, and it’s not lying, he really does melt an awful lot. I’m just not entirely behind the concept that he’s going to get stronger as he melts. That makes no sense, right?



The Mighty Gorga

I’m not even sure this is a trailer; it’s basically just a clip. But if this is the best bit of the film, the bit the makers thought would make you want to rush and see it, then, wow, this has got to be one hell of a movie.



Truck Turner

The big brother is coming, and he’s coming on badly dubbed. Isaac Hayes is Truck Turner (definitely not Shaft) and he can talk with a woman’s voice at one point. Not sure what he had in his grocery bag, but it was a tough enough to stop a bullet. Damn processed food.



Godmonster of Indian Flats

Let’s be honest, if you looked out of your window and saw that coming at your kids, you’d pretty much sh*t your pants. Better hope they can stroll away fast enough.



Praise Band

The stakes are so high, if he takes this job - he’s going to have to move!!! I don’t think the praise band needs a John, it need a Judas. I can see why the old man doesn’t like the idea of a Praise band, he must be the only one there who doesn’t have a hearing aid that he can just turn off.

Embedding not allowed. Boooooo, how dare they! It’s as if they thought someone might poke fun at their video. The very thought of it. Catch it here.

The Minis

This can’t be a real film. It’s a p*ss take, right? I’m glad they soundtracked it to Soldier Girl by the Polyphonic Spree, cos that makes lots of sense...



The Gingerdead Man

Well the title alone has got me excited. It’s hard to know how to judge a film which is clearly meant to be no masterpiece, and is probably quite deliberate in its crass crapness. I mean, how can you possibly make a monster 8 inches high scary? In a struggle, it would be really hard not to tear him to pieces. Look out for the sequel: Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust.



*Spoke too soon, this one has rather a nice surprise.