Job Application Incompetence Or A Guide On How To Not Look Like A Moron

Something I always find totally exasperating is advertising a job vacancy. It ought not to be, I am normally advertising writing vacancies after all; I ought to be receiving plenty of examples of fine writing. At least in theory...

Rather sadly, the majority of applications I read are depressingly inept and incompetent. You would think with a job market so badly constrained that people might want to make the extra effort. But no, slap-dash, ill thought-out submissions is the norm.

It’s mostly the cover letters that are to blame. Hastily written, not proofed properly... Yet they are the most useful part of any application. The CV is a-standard, the same for every application. But the cover letter is the thing that they have written specially for you, aimed directly at this vacancy, yet few seem to spend any time on it whatsoever. Not that CVs always come off well. Many of these are poorly thought out too.

Here are the most egregious errors I have come across, presented for your amusement, horror or education. Quotes used are real, but altered to maintain confidentiality.

Beginning your application

Just because you’re applying online, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to still be formal. It’s Dear Sir/Madam, not Hi or Hello, Greetings or salutations. I’m not your buddy; you want something from me so damn well approach me respectfully.

What always shocks me (because it seems so inconceivably stupid), is just how many applications begin ‘To whom it may concern’. Now to me, the phrase “To whom it may concern” is the kind of message I write on a notice I leave on the car that’s in my parking space, or on the gate at the end of my drive for the person whose dog is fowling outside my house. It’s a blunt and rude way to begin a letter and will get your application turned down in an instant.

Get the job title right

Here’s the opening sentence from a recent application:

”I found your advertisement for the position of article writer on Craigslist.org.”

Shame that I’d advertised for a Senior Writer not an article writer.

And pay attention to how things are spelt. I mean this in reference to how site names and company names are spelt and presented on the page. The website’s not called Gum Tree, it’s Gumtree.

Read the advert properly

Here’s another cover note opening of dubious quality:

“As a former writing teacher who currently writes and edits a wide range of writing projects full-time, I have the experience and connections to satisfactorily complete your projects on time and on budget.”

“Proud of my reputation for consistent, high quality, and affordable writing, which adheres to strict deadlines, I look forward to learning more about how I can use my experience to help achieve your writing and editing needs.”

Did I mention budgets or costs in my ad? No I did not, so that’s a sure fire way to show that the applicant has simply dusted off an old letter and not tailored it properly to this vacancy. I feel sorry for their students.

And take note of the bloody location of the job. You’re not going to be much help if you live in the Phillipines or New Delhi when the vacancy is based in bloody South London!

CVs should be two sides long

I don’t need an epic retelling of your life; I don’t need to know which primary school you went to, and every job you’ve done since you were able to walk upright. Keep it short and concise. Two sides of A4 and no more.

Photos are tacky

There’s a recent trend of people putting photos on their CVs, which, frankly, is pointless. What on earth does what you look like matter? I’ve seen pictures which made the applicant look like an adolescent super villain, and an applicant look a good ten years younger than they were. This is not helping your application. Worse still, if you’re a girl, adding a photo of yourself glammed up completely undermines any credibility you might have. Not every guy will hire you because you’re hot. Women certainly won’t!

Arrogance will get you nowhere

“This looks like an interesting position. I think I might be able to help you.”

Oh really? You might be able to help me? Well God bless you sir, please come along and give me aid in my time of need...

I am offering you a chance to work for me. I help you – you do not help me! Facts impress, not idle boasting.

Don’t be a poet

“Whilst I was overseas I enjoyed the stimulation that every new day within such a different culture offered me and the difficulty and sense of accomplishment that learning Arabic afforded me.”

And how will that help you to write ecommerce copy for me? Any writer worth his salt can smell bullsh*t a mile away.

Don’t sabotage yourself

Check out this bit of application copy:

“My English Literature with Creative Writing university degree has helped to perfect and assist in the development of my fluency of writing, accuracy in typing both oral material and written documents, writing to deadlines and researching relevant material both under the constraints of deadlines and also under the pressure of managing other projects running simultaneously.”

Paying attention to sentence length or repetition seems not have been part of this course. 55 words in one sentence, seriously? Still, it’s not as bad as this travesty. Is this person being sarcastic about being a teamplayer?:

"I'm writing to see if the position is still available. I have extensive experience writing for publication and deadline.My CV contains a full publications list at the end. I have experience writing copy, I am a good "team player", am highly organised and have strong editorial experience both in terms of academic work and in terms of editing and proofing for publication. "

Check properly before sending

Mistakes never look good, but in an application for a writing position, they are unforgivable. Here are some selected clangers:

"I believe I am greatly suited for this position as I have gained over 5 years experience at working in various different customer focust roles."

"I've attached my CV as requested and dome of my writing."

"To whom is may concerned."

And my personal favourite:

"I am a journalist, looking for a challenging career change and this opportunity looked ideal."

Was it some kind of sub-conscious foresight that made them put the opportunity in the past-tense?

The Agony of Indecision

So you’ve been in a job awhile. You’ve had some ups and downs. There was a time when it seemed like a land of promise, where you thought you could become indispensible and able to pitch for lots of money. But those days are long gone; financial cutbacks and some short term thinking devalued your work and you found yourself prevented from doing your job well, and constantly under fire from those who prevented you from doing it. You felt trapped, unable to improve your situation, and resented by those who work for you, those who depended on you to try to improve their lot.

Then came what seemed like the final insult, the removal off most of your responsibility and the disbanding of your time. You knew it was coming, the company had been reorganised recently, but it was as if all your effort had come to nothing. So you settled into new role, got back to doing the regular, daily writing, which is in truth what you do best. And the pressure is off, you can relax a little more and your new manager treats you well and gives you some more challenging work to do.

But you’re still getting your old wage, even though you’re not a manager, and it’s a lot more than the average employee gets. Sure, your company is doing well, but what happens when belts need tightening again? You feel bitter too, alienated from the team you once had, all your ambitions and intentions thwarted. It feels like time to move on.

You do some applications; you get some interviews and asked to do some tests. You don’t quite get what you want (to add insult to injury, someone who used to work for you got a job you yourself applied for) but finally, as Christmas approaches, leads come in abundance. Interviews are suddenly arranged, one for JML Direct, one for Totaljobs, could this be your way out after all?

Life, alas, never goes as your expect. A week before Christmas you are pulled into the office for what seems like a mundane meeting with your manager, but the director shows up and suddenly it’s getting serious. They want to know how you feel about the job , and ask you up front whether you’re looking for work, because they know about the job you didn’t get that went to the guy who used to work for you. You tell them the truth as close as you can, still not sure where this is going.

They surprise you. Say that they’re very pleased with the work you’re doing and results you’ve been getting. They want you to know that they consider you to be an essential member of staff and want to secure your ongoing commitment. They make you an offer, a very good offer. It’s the kind of offer you were hoping to secure months ago. It all sounds good; work’s near where I live, it’s challenging without being too difficult, and it would be very comfortable to stay.

So you decide to stay. But of course, you must contact those recruiters to tell them that you’ve decided to stay. You’re not specific about what position you accepted; you don’t want to tell them you’re staying after how much you said you wanted to leave. It’s difficult to turn down potential opportunities, jobs that could deliver a number of interesting possibilities. You never know what might’ve been; sorry Experian I won’t be available to interview, apologies Totaljobs, I won’t be able to come into the interview on Tuesday.

JML... Well, that’s difficult. They do everything in house, from naming new products, to creating the packaging, the instruction leaflets, the marketing campaign and even the TV and radio commercials. Quite a unique position; the sort of thing that would go on in a big agency, and across many departments, not just all in one small organisation. No, you can’t quite bring yourself to turn this one, down. After all, what’s the harm in checking it out? Nothing may even come of it.

You smile through another meeting with the director on Monday, trying to be honest without giving anything away. You go to the interview on Tuesday, seems to go well. Quite a tough test, but luckily you happened to watch one of their videos about a new fancy kitchen knife set, so bit of a stroke of luck when that’s what you need to write about.

In some ways you hope that you don’t get offered the job, that way you can take the easy decision and stay where you are for the money. Of course, nothing’s ever easy. You are offered the job the next day.

Oh what to do. All Christmas is spent trying to decide what’s best. Sure, JML is a much more interesting job, and it’s unique, and I have had plenty of issues with my current job. But the money is so good; you can do a lot with money, and in these difficult volatile economic times, having a bit of cash to hand is no bad thing.

So you decide that the best thing to do is ask JML if they can up there offer. It’s expensive to commute after all. It’s really awkward, you literally clam up, you’re so nervous asking for this. They seem responsive, but they can’t confirm until the office reopens in the new year. And you’ve got a couple of days in the office before new year. And as your boss tells you about all his plans for the new year, and about the new team member who’s starting who’s going to work for you, you feel the pangs of guilt. You want to just tell him you’re probably going to leave, but you know you can’t just in case there are any issues.

Your resolve begins to waver. You see all these news stories about rising prices and problematic economic forecasts. Do you really want to turn down the big money? JML finally call you back. They’re going to meet your offer. You feel relief, joy – but know you must face the music and come clean with your boss.

It helps not that they take time to send you the paperwork and that your boss is away for days ill. The time finally comes, and you sit before him like a naughty school child confessing to a headmaster. He’s disappointed, actually says “ where am I going to find someone as good as you?” You feel guilty, but also immense relief. You’ve done the right thing and it’s the right time to move on.

So yeah basically I’m going to work for JML Direct next month. My Viagra writing days are behind me at last!

Breaking the Cycle

You may be disappointed to learn that I was unable to break my own unemployment record of 372 days by foolishly accepting a job in Croydon. Yes, it’s come to that, no one else would take me.

Alas, the pay is...modest. Not like one of the high-flying phenomenally waged jobs that I was interviewed for but failed to get. This is for a smallish ecommerce company that runs a variety of sites that stem from its medical origins, so that’s things like flu drugs, weight loss pills, vitamins, herbal remedies, that kind of thing.

They have promised to review my pay in 6 months so there’s a chance I may return to my former level of financial stability. And there’s some team leading, and some content management, and some SEO, so there’s a chance maybe someday in the future of pulling in the big bucks and I’ll be able to indulge myself more and enjoy more of life’s finer things.

Oh, did I mention that I’ll be writing about a lot of adult products, Viagra, penis and breast enlargements supplements, oh and there’s the really dirty stuff like vibrators, strap-ons and lubricant. Yes, I shall pretty much be able to write about anything once this over....

Well it’s now 6 months since I exited the land of the employed and was thrust unfairly into the jobless wilderness. It’s a been a tough time; it’s been a morally destructive, nightmarishly crushing series of ongoing disappointments that, alas, feels unlikely to subside too, and as I have very little money left due to another series of complicated and hopeless events that I’ve been pushed into, things are becoming, well, rather more difficult.

Anyhow, here for posterity is my list of employment disappointments:*

John Lewis: Job put on hold

www.superyachts.com: Unsuccessful, failed first stage

Arthritis Care: Unsuccessful

Orange: Unknown

Fit Pro: Unsuccessful

Airmiles: Offered 2nd interview

Datamonitor: Unknown

Airmiles 2nd Interivew: Unsuccessful + job put on hold

On Monday I’ll be taking a fun trip down to the job centre to sign-on. But not before taking one more stab at the job interviewing this Friday with a potential 3 month contract at Tesco Compare. Will I make a last minute escape from the cavern of doom that is Job Seeker’s Allowance? Only time will tell.

This a nice personality test you can take to learn something fun about yourself.

Or alternatively you could read this story about a man having sex with a lamppost, I’ll leave it up to you.


*Learnt me some html, oh yeah!

Sounds Interesting

What's that you say? A job opportunity? Yes I am still currently available. The Financial Times you say? A web editor position you say? Interested? Yes I'm very interested. Please email me the job description, I'll read it over and get back to you.

Did the email ever arrive in my inbox? Did the recruiter's number come up as private? Did I write down his name or the agency he was with? Have I any means of contacting him whatsoever?

Why don't I just curl up and die already.

Favourite new website:

Rediscover all your favourite bands who never existed.

Despair...

Tis almost February and my morale now lies crippled, further kicked and beaten by circumstance (and some wankers)

No job at Best Buy, I need three years experience because...well actually there’s no reason whatsoever, I’m perfectly capable of doing the job. Then there was the recruiter, who called me back about a job that had become unavailable, and then there was the woman who found my CV on Monster, told me to get in touch, but by the time I tracked her down had forgotten what she had called me about and subsequently never called me back.

But the most crippling blow of all came from a new Super Yacht website. Providing a service to the uber-wealthy, bastards as they’re commonly known, they wished for me to write a piece advertising the location of Aruba to this audience. I did, not expecting much, but I was called on this last Thursday and asked if I was busy on Friday to come in and do one of those selection/interview type day things. I said yes, but there was a catch, and that was that I needed to put together another 600 word piece. It was for a front page feature, on any yacht subject I chose.

So I got started, finished at 11 the night before, and made my way down to the interview place for 10:30. After waiting quite a while, we got started. We were told quite a lot about the site and the market and so on (this was when we learnt what roles were available. Strangely, these roles weren’t actually the one’s they’d advertised). Then the exercises – one where we were to sit down in a group, half of the ten of us, and talk about ourselves and the pieces we wrote, the other, where we would be given a bad piece of copy and had 45 minutes to re-write as best we could. If we get through this, then, and only then, do we get an interview.

It’s heading towards 12 and I get put in the group that does the talking and discussing. And I get to go first. So I introduce myself and then they get the piece I’ve brought in with me, they say it’s well written but more of feature piece and not really suitable for the front page. Then they critique the Aruba piece; say I was right to emphasise one bit but wrong to mention this bit, and before I can really offer any real defence, it’s on to the next person.

And everyone else’s work is perfect for the front page, great stuff, lots of discussion. And to add insult to injury, these are people here with 20+ years experience on me. I go through the next stage, do my best with the copy test, but I’m finished basically. And then after lunch (which they didn’t provide) and then another half-hour after that, waiting for them to come back, I learn that I’ve not made the cut – no surprise. It’s now 3pm.

Four and half hours I was there, and that doesn’t count the amount of time I spent working on the pieces of work I did for them, and for what? I should feel pleased I got selected from amongst the 120 test applications that were sent in, but it’s hard to feel great when you work hard, commit a great deal of time to something, and then get a quick 5 minute brush off in front of a group other. I must have spent less than three minutes actually interacting with the interviewers.

Fuck em, bunch of c@&*s

2009...

Yeah... It's not going too well to tell truth. I spent New Year's Eve pretending it wasn't New Year's Eve because I had stomach flu and was too afraid to eat anything, never mind drink anything. I wasn't going to risk subjecting myself to another seven hour bout of regular twenty minute trips to the toilet with acidic diarrhea (I don't think my sphincter will ever recover).

As for the jobs, well, any leads I had prior to the changing of the year seem to have gone dry. No word from John Lewis and it's approaching two months since the interview.

My only hope now seems to be an American company called Best Buy who are setting up in the UK this year. They're kind of like Dixons and Comet, only they turn a profit. They want four copywriters, so I would hope that I had a reasonable chance of getting one of them - although they do want photoshop experience, which isn't something I have too much of. I'll have to wait and see. As usual...

Delusion of the Day: Cotard Delusion: a rare neuropsychiatric disorder in which a person holds a delusional belief that he or she is dead, does not exist, is putrefying or has lost his/her blood or internal organs.

How Life Mocks Me...

While I still wait to find out whether I have a job, or even a second interview, with John Lewis, I've still been cracking away at the applications in the desperate hope of finding new leads that might leave me with a new job for Christmas.

Having applied for a content producer/copywriter role, I got a call from an agency saying, "great, we like your application, we think you might be suitable for this role. Can you come down to the office today, as they finish interviewing at the end of this week?"

So I get my little skates on, iron my shirt, pick-up my portfolio and make haste across London towards Liverpool St. A dash of panic comes over me as I struggle to find the right building with only minutes to spare, but I find said place, fill out some forms and am prepared for the chat.

So I sit down with this guy, and he tells me the vacancy is at a high street rival of Marks & Spencer, a certain department store called John Lewis...

Still, he thinks I've got a good chance of getting the job. They're looking for someone who they won't have to pay as much...

The Progress So Far

...Yeah there's not really been any. The recruiters who've at least kindly taken the time to actually speak to me, have been very nice and positive about my experience, but have said that I'll probably struggle to find any work until next year.

So I'm on a none paid holiday until next year. I think I'm going to spend it eating crumpets and becoming an alcoholic.

After I've been to Germany this weekend. Finally going abroad and I can't even afford it now. F*****g typical.

Click here to find out more about Russian master surgeon Serge Voronoff.

And here to read my latest album review.

Bitten by the Credit Crunch

I was confident about my job. Felt I was secure; the website was the only area of the business that was doing well and that I was making myself very useful. I was the only one of the copy team who knew anything about technology, and as technology sales were up by more than 100%, I knew I was making a positive contribution to the site.

I was very confident about my job - right up until I entered the office, was sat down and told that my contract was being terminated.

Why? Well they're cutting costs all over the company, and they used to get by with only three copywriters and now they have four. And as clothing is more high profile, and no doubt has a bigger profit margin, who should go? The menswear copywriter, the womenswear copywriter, or the homeware/technology copywriter? And I would've been there a year in a few weeks and become entitled to benefits too - another way to save money.

So I need another job. Anyone need anything writing?

Oh and they've put my rent up, so if it paid more that would be nice too.

Not A Job

Despite putting on what I thought was a pretty good performance, I was not called back for a 2nd interview. I was disappointed; although at first I was a little uncertain as to whether I wanted the job, it did look like a really nice place to work.

I got an e-mail saying that the standards of interviewees was high and that they went with the person with the most experience. This of course may mean that they went with someone who had been to the theatre more than twice in their life.

Oh and I went to Amsterdam didn't I? Yes that was fun, and I'm not being sarcastic* I did really enjoy it. Amsterdam is a really beautiful and chilled out place, the only trouble was in fact caused by, well us - and one loud mouthed twat in particular**

After spending the first night rowing about where to go and getting hacked off and going back to the hotel a bad mood, it really picked up on the 2nd day. I got eyed up in a gay bar and then paid 45 euro's to go into a topless bar where we could drink as much as we liked for an hour while the husband-to-be watched the barmaids insert various items into their vaginas and perform a variety of tricks.

It was called the banana bar and I'll say no more.

Selected films featuring Robert Z'Dar
BODY SHOP (2000): Two years after a women is killed in a fatal car crash, the trio of teenagers responsible for her death are suddenly being murdered - one by one. Each of them faces a horrible, bizarre death apparently devised by the dead woman's husband, a deranged two truck driver.

Z'Dar puts in a bravura performance as 'Shop Owner' IMDB rating 3/10

ZOMBIEGEDDON (2003): When the "zombie-looking freaks" begin taking over the world, dirty cops Jeff and Cage find themselves in the unenviable position of having to stop them before it's too late. Jeff learns that he alone has the power to defeat them if he's up to the task. But internal affairs officers investigate them for their prior wrongdoings, time is running out...

Warning - features Joe Estevez

IMDB rating 2.1/10

ROCK N'ROLL COPS 2: THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES (2003): With a Guitar in One Hand, a Gun in the Other, They Kick Hollywood's Butt.

IMDB rating 3.1/10

*For once.

**Not me.

The Toll of the Unexpected.

Despite the persistant indifference shown to me as a candidate for employment, I have continued to send off the CVs and cover letters, frequently but without much hope.

Yet on Tuesday, something I never dreamt could happen, happened. Somewhere in the world the rivers must've been running red with blood because I, David Paul Nixon, was asked to a job interview.

Well, not quite. I was asked to an 'assessment day', they'd send the details through the post the next day. So I spent the next few days brushing up on my copywriting theory. But when the letter finally arrived there was no mention of anything to do with writing. This assessment day will consist of a group exercise, a personality questionnaire and will end with a numerical and verbal reasoning Test.

I'd never done one of these tests before so I took one online by the people who produce them for the company. I feel quite confidence about the verbal test, but as for the numerical test, well, if I keep practising I might be able to get my score to above 30%.

Oh and the job is for junior copywriter at Trader Media Group. I'll be primarily working on the Auto-Trader website. Cars are not exactly my area of expertise as I know only fractionally more about cars today then I did the day I was born.

So providing they don't find out that I can't add and I don't know shit about cars, I should be just fine.