If you’re afraid of the hoodies, then you’d better watch out. It’ll take more than an ASBO to stop the:



Aided by their advanced technology, which allows lots of them to fit in a very small space ship and to remain teenagers even though they look suspiciously older, they’ve come to take over the world. Behold their terrifying extra-terrestrial jump suits and intimidating fifties hairdos.



They’ve come to conquer the earth, and they’re going to show no mercy, look at this ‘teenager’ ruthlessly threaten this chubby old geezer!



He better do as he says, or else he’ll shoot him with his terrifying gun that disintegrates your body and turns it into a plastic skeleton!



And if that doesn’t work, then they’ll unleash the terrifying two dimensional giant lobster.



Look out! It’s casting a shadow, or is it a shadow? It’s not really clear, but it is definitely evil!



If only there was one of them who was a bit of a pansy who could see things from mankind’s point of view and fall in love with some dipsy easily impressed girl before coming to our rescue



Can he stop the killer out-of-perspective lobster? Can he possibly stop this guy, I mean look at him, he’s acting his pants off!



Is mankind doomed? Will we be destroyed or enslaved by these evil ‘teenagers’? Almost certainly not, but just to make sure, watch:



A film so taut, so tense, so terrifying in its mind blowing drama that the director had a mental breakdown and claimed he was the second coming of Jesus Christ! It’s that powerful!

Space Mutiny

In a galaxy far, far away, mankind is in danger and its very survival is at risk.
YES it's the SPACE MUTINY


Fighting on through hordes of space pirates, the Southern Sun, and definitly not the Battlestar Galactica, is searching for a new home for mankind, a journey that has already taken generations.


But not everyone is willing to make the journey. Face-stretchingly evil Commander Kalgon has grown weary of the wait


He's the head of security and is using his men to take control of the ship from under the noses of its dynamic leaders, the bearded fat man and the other bloke.


Who can save them? Why only beefcake Captain Dave Ryder, that's who. He's already survived one attempt on his life and now he's going to kick some ass.

By his side, helping fight against this skinned-tightening evil, is his tempestuous, and curiously much older love interest, Jenna.


Watch as together they fight through the shipes industrial factory inspired interior.


Grip the edge of your seat as something with pirates happens. And there are these dancing mystical women and a sinister man with a limp and some frozen soldiers as well who I think all have something to do with the plot, But it's all thrilling action all the way through, culminating in a high speed go-kart race out.


Yes it's thrills all the way with Space Mutiny, a film that definitly wasn't filmed in a factory and doesn't recycle all its effects from Battlestar Galactica. And if there's one lesson you'll learn from it all and that's to not stand next to some railings in a factory, you'll only got shot and tumble over.

Bad B-Movie Monsters - Robot Monster

THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS

The Best of the Worst Part 4

More horrific than the love child of John Prescott & Anne Widdicomb, more gut-wrentching than 7 back-to-back Hollyoaks omnibusses, its:


Tor Johnson is Joseph Javorsky, a Russian scientist who defects and is flown under the highest security to an airstrip in the middle of a desert and than whisked away under the protection of two people.




But those wiley Russians send two other people in a car after them, and Javorsky is forced to flee and run amongst the rocks of the surprisingly un-flat Yucca Flats. But unknown to him, he has wondered onto a nuclear testing facility*.




After an explosion he is transformed into 'The Beast' an insane creature who very gently strangles his victims to death.



Now running amok, and having kidnapped the obligatory woman, it's up to the cop guys or maybe the airport guy or maybe that other guy who's searching for his kids to run about a lot and stop him.




But it is the spine-tingling dialogue that bring The Beast of Yucca Flats alive, as is the actors unique ability to throw their voices, as they never deliver their lines and appear on screen at the same time.

This much quoted film has many, many famous lines.

Narrator: "Touch a button, things happen. A scientist becomes a beast."

Narrator: "Boys from the city, not yet caught in the whirlwind of progress, feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs."

Narrator: "Joseph Javorsky, respected scientist. Now a fiend prowling the wastelands, a prehistoric beast in a nuclear age. Kill, kill just to be killing."

Narrator: "A man runs, someone shoots at him."

All this and more in The Beast of Yucca Flats, unsuprisingly available to download for free via the public domain.

If anybody watches it and wants to give their theory as to how Tor gets all the way from the middle of the desert to a town house to strangle a woman in a low cut top at the films prelude, I'd be glad to hear it.

Samuel Goldwynism of the day: “I don’t want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.”

Danger!!!

Look out! It's Eegah!!



Yes, Richard (Jaws from Bond) Kiel is Eegah, caveman extraordinaire. He's lived for centuries in a cave (Ro-man's cave in fact) without being discovered, but one day stumbles onto the road and straight into the headlights of love.



But Roxy has to go and tell her stupid father. So he goes out, on his own, with no supplies, over night, in the desert, to search for the primitive and aggressive giant.



And when he doesn't come back it's upto Roxy's boyfriend, the pug-faced, dune buggy enthusiast, Arch Hall Jr, to rescue him.



But the silly boy takes Roxy with him, and once Eegah sees woman all hell breaks loose. Will Eegah throw Roxy over his shoulder and walk off with her?

You betya.



Will Roxy and Eegah hit it off? Is her Dad still alive*? Will Arch Hall Jnr's song 'Oh Vicky' be a huge hit, paving his way to be the next Elvis. Was his Dad the director of this film?

All this and more in 'Eegah

And watch out for Snakes.

More Great Stuff

In brief, here are some more examples of classic, highly professional movie making, all freely downloadable via the public domain. Ok, so technically virually anything can be downloaded freely over the net, but these are pretty quick and easy.


Mad Monster
A man scientist, disgraced by his peers but also a genius (naturally) injects his dimwitted servant (doesn't he know he has rights?) with a syrum that turns him into a werewolf. Anarchy, dumb people who can't figure it out and lots of running about from one place to the next, often not quite in the nick time, ensues. The bit where he sits and has a fantasy arguement with the ghostly apparitions people who wronged him is good. Keep an ear out for those meaningful references to the war.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die
Mad scientist interested in mutation and all that lark is involved in an accident alongside his beautiful girlfriend (who doesn't mind that he's a nutcase). She is decapitated, so he takes her head back to his lab in bag, puts in a dish of liquid to keep it alive and goes on the hunt for another woman whose body he can steal and stick the head back on. Meanwhile, his girlfriend's head develops psychic powers and begins to communicate with the experiment he keeps locked up in the cupboard...

a>Invisible Ghost
Bela Lugosi is an old man (not a mad scientist) who misses his dead wife. The secret he doesn't know is that she was having an affair with another man and was killed in a car crash on the way to see her new boyfriend. What he also doesn't know is that the gardner found her body alive and is keeping her locked in the basement because she's a bit nuts. And he also doesn't know that she keeps escaping and everytime that sees her in the garden, he goes crazy and very very slowly goes to kill someone.

And if you thought that all made sense, just try watching till the end. Lugosi's performance is so effortless that it's, well, effortless. Oh and there's no ghost, although if it was Invisible I suppose we wouldn't be able to see it or know it was there.


The Corpse Vanishes
Bela Lugosi is a mad scientist (and all is right with the world) must extract the blood of young brides to keep his ailing wife alive. On their wedding day, he sends them a beautiful orchid which knocks them unconcious and then kidnaps them with the help of dwarf assistant. If you want to know exactly why any of this is happening, watching the film won't actually help. And I'm fairly sure they're not corpses when they vanish either.



Bela Lugosi Meet A Brooklyn Gorilla
According to Martin Landau who played Lugosi in the movie 'Ed Wood' this film made the Ed Wood films look like masterpieces in comparison. You have been warned...