Well it’s now 6 months since I exited the land of the employed and was thrust unfairly into the jobless wilderness. It’s a been a tough time; it’s been a morally destructive, nightmarishly crushing series of ongoing disappointments that, alas, feels unlikely to subside too, and as I have very little money left due to another series of complicated and hopeless events that I’ve been pushed into, things are becoming, well, rather more difficult.

Anyhow, here for posterity is my list of employment disappointments:*

John Lewis: Job put on hold

www.superyachts.com: Unsuccessful, failed first stage

Arthritis Care: Unsuccessful

Orange: Unknown

Fit Pro: Unsuccessful

Airmiles: Offered 2nd interview

Datamonitor: Unknown

Airmiles 2nd Interivew: Unsuccessful + job put on hold

On Monday I’ll be taking a fun trip down to the job centre to sign-on. But not before taking one more stab at the job interviewing this Friday with a potential 3 month contract at Tesco Compare. Will I make a last minute escape from the cavern of doom that is Job Seeker’s Allowance? Only time will tell.

This a nice personality test you can take to learn something fun about yourself.

Or alternatively you could read this story about a man having sex with a lamppost, I’ll leave it up to you.


*Learnt me some html, oh yeah!

This article adequately sums up how I feel at the moment. I'm with you Obama...

I've got some more review type stuff online.

Franklyn - Fantasy/people drama, with too many people and most of them dull.

Lesbian Vampire Killers - Not big, not clever and certainly not funny.

Obscene - Documentary about Barney Rosset, the American publisher who fought to publish Naked Lunch, Lady Chatterley's Lover and Malcolm X's biography amongst others.

Zero: An Investigation into 9/11 - Has some interesting insights but not nearly balanced enough,

5 More of the Greatest TV Shows You've Never Heard of

My Mother the Car

Just imagine it, you go to your local car dealership to buy a car, he shows you some old vintage thing and it starts to speak to you in the voice of your late mother! That’s exactly what’s happened to Dave Crabree, played by Jerry Van Dyke (a poor man’s Dick), who finds out that his mother has been reincarnated as a car, and only he can hear her. Typical parent, soooo embarrassing. Although he’ll have to watch out, the evil moustachioed car collector Manzini is out to steal his mother-mobile, so he'd better watch out.

Click here to see this enchanting opening theme.


Mrs Columbo

Once Mr Columbo had hung up his dirty detecting mac, it was time for the wife to take over. The woman who plays Captain Janeway in Star Trek Voyager is Mrs Columbo, although it’s not really clear whether she is actually married to the Detective Columbo. Peter Falk is not actually in it and after a while they changed the name of the show to Kate Columbo, then a little while later during its long 13 episode run they called it Kate the Detective, and awhile later they called it Kate Loves a Mystery, by which time she had divorced her husband, who wasn’t apparently Columbo anymore.

Anyway, you’ll be able to tell just how gripping a crime show it is from the exciting opening sequence.

Manimal

Jonathan Chase is a man, or is he! To quote the opening narration, he is: “A man with the brightest of futures. A man with the darkest of pasts. From Africa's deepest recesses, to the rarefied peaks of Tibet, heir to his father's legacy and the world's darkest mysteries. Jonathan Chase, master of the secrets that divide man from animal, animal from man... Manimal!” He can change into any animal he wants to fight crime, although in practice it tends to be either a panther or a hawk, unless he managed to change earlier off camera. This exciting series was obviously too much for audiences at the time, as it only lasted 8 episodes.

Watch the legendary title sequence here...

To see the gripping and tautly paced transformation sequence, click here. It’s so amazing it’s like he’s changing on a completely different set.

Supertrain

It’s all in the title. This nuclear-powered bullet train is more like a luxury liner than a normal train, boasting swimming pools, a shopping mall and a ballroom dance hall (must’ve been pretty steady). It could take you from New York to Los Angeles in 36 hours and must’ve been pretty amazing to make you go through that when you could fly there in about 6. Each week some exciting intrigue would happen that definitely wasn’t just nicked from an Agatha Christie novel, I mean, having spent so much time building all the sets and creating the special effects (it was at the time, the most expensive TV show ever), they definitely made sure that they spent plenty of time on the stories, all uhm, 9 of them.

Watch the exciting opening here.

Watch the teaser for episode two ‘And A Cup of Kindness, Too’ here. And don’t ever call Dick Van Dyke a lunatic.


The Powers of Matthew Star

David, who’s name changes to Matthew at some point, is an alien prince whose family has been killed and he’s hiding out in exile on earth with his guardian, Walter. He either does, or doesn’t know this, depending which episode you watch, but boy does it cause problems with his high school teenage life. Being an alien en all, he has various special powers: telekinesis, telepathy, clairvoyance, transmutation and astral projection, again, depending on which episode you watch. Walter apparently doesn’t have any powers, but he’s a bit strong so that helps. They go on adventures
and avoid alien assassins, the authorities and try to keep their secret from all there friends. The usual stuff.

Watch the exciting opening episode here. It’s long, but worth watching all the way through.

And check out this exciting corridor chase scene. So tense.

For All the Stoke Fans Out There...

An essential style must-have, this shirt combines two of my most favourite things in the world, and is just perfect for relaxing at home or for going out and spending a night on the town.




Many thanks to Ms Pamela Smith for bringing this subject to my attention.

If you’re afraid of the hoodies, then you’d better watch out. It’ll take more than an ASBO to stop the:



Aided by their advanced technology, which allows lots of them to fit in a very small space ship and to remain teenagers even though they look suspiciously older, they’ve come to take over the world. Behold their terrifying extra-terrestrial jump suits and intimidating fifties hairdos.



They’ve come to conquer the earth, and they’re going to show no mercy, look at this ‘teenager’ ruthlessly threaten this chubby old geezer!



He better do as he says, or else he’ll shoot him with his terrifying gun that disintegrates your body and turns it into a plastic skeleton!



And if that doesn’t work, then they’ll unleash the terrifying two dimensional giant lobster.



Look out! It’s casting a shadow, or is it a shadow? It’s not really clear, but it is definitely evil!



If only there was one of them who was a bit of a pansy who could see things from mankind’s point of view and fall in love with some dipsy easily impressed girl before coming to our rescue



Can he stop the killer out-of-perspective lobster? Can he possibly stop this guy, I mean look at him, he’s acting his pants off!



Is mankind doomed? Will we be destroyed or enslaved by these evil ‘teenagers’? Almost certainly not, but just to make sure, watch:



A film so taut, so tense, so terrifying in its mind blowing drama that the director had a mental breakdown and claimed he was the second coming of Jesus Christ! It’s that powerful!

Far Out

It suddenly occurs to me that I haven't written yet about the Oberhausen Gasometer, Germany's premier Gasometer.



It's not just any Gasometer, it's one that doesn't have any gas in it. That is crucial to its success.



It's like entering into some strange sci-fi space craft, only there are lots of kids and some paintings and pictures and about the place. There's my good friend Matt shortly before being beamed up*.



There's also an elevator. An elevator that goes to up into the beyond...



Okay it just goes up to the roof, and the weird atmosphere is kind of spoilt by the fact that kids have realised that absolutely everything echoes like crazy and are jumping up and down on the metal floor just hear the noise. Here's the inside from the top.



And the view from the roof of the gasometer.



Okay, the pictures are blurred, but it's really dark in there.




In all seriousness, if due to some freak occurance you able to, go to the Oberhausen Gasometer, one of the wierdest most wonderful places I've ever been to.

*Hi Matt.

All The Firemen Have Melted!

I've got some more review type things on the web.

Here's my review of Valyrie, Starring Tom Cruise, which I surprisingly actually quite liked.

And my review of The Broken, a horror movie that I'm not so keen on.

Phobia of the Day: Nomophobia, the fear of being out of mobile phone contact for any period of time. I shit ye not

Sounds Interesting

What's that you say? A job opportunity? Yes I am still currently available. The Financial Times you say? A web editor position you say? Interested? Yes I'm very interested. Please email me the job description, I'll read it over and get back to you.

Did the email ever arrive in my inbox? Did the recruiter's number come up as private? Did I write down his name or the agency he was with? Have I any means of contacting him whatsoever?

Why don't I just curl up and die already.

Favourite new website:

Rediscover all your favourite bands who never existed.

The Best TV Shows Ever!!!

Since becoming unemployed I've had some time to enjoy the finer things in life*. Once such luxury has been the time I've been able to spend digging through the TV archives and tracking down so long-lost TV classics, which, unaccountably remain little known and unreleased on DVD or video. Here are five little-known gems that deserve, deserve, to be seen and revisited.

Heil Honey I’m Home!

The day to day life of everybody’s favourite fascist dictator. Adolf has a successful career, a gorgeously wife and a beautiful home; everything would be perfect if it wasn’t for those darn Goldensteins next door. Strangely, this wacky 50s style comedy opus was cancelled after only one episode. Can you believe it?

Click here to watch the first classic episode.

The Man From Atlantis

Patrick Duffy is a man who has some of the abilities of a fish. He’s got amnesia but everyone’s pretty certain that he’s the last survivor from Atlantis. He’s been recruited by the government to fight crime underwater and occasionally travel in time. Hard to believe, but this exciting underwater adventure only lasted for four TV movies and 13 episodes.

Click here to watch the theme.

Click here to see some tense dramatic pause action.

Small Wonder

Back in the 80s before fertility treatment just what were you to do if you wanted a kid but couldn't conceive? Well for the Lawsons, one son wasn’t enough, so engineer Ted decided to build a daughter too. But Vicki’s no normal girl; she runs on atomic power and has super-human strength. Will they be able to pass her off as their own child or will her strange robot behaviour attract the attention of their neighbours. Unbelievably this ran for a full 96 episodes.

Click here to see the opening theme.

Click here to see a classic, classic, clip

Holmes & Yo-Yo

It’s the same old story, maverick cop, doesn’t do things by the book, his partners always end up in hospital... What Detective Holmes needs is a tough new partner who can keep up the pace with him. What he needs is Gregory ‘Yo-Yo’ Yoyonivich. Why? Because he’s a robot! Together they make one tough, dangerous – and wacky, crime fighting team. As long as Yo-Yo doesn’t malfunction! Hard to believe, but this great series only ran for 13 episodes.


Click here to see the opening sequence which carefully sketches out the premise.

And check out this great closing gag.

Cop Rock
Having steered legendary cop show Hill Street Blues, Steven Bochco decided that the cop genre needed to be taken in a totally new direction and given a sharp new edge. That edge was musical theatre. Viewers were treated to a totally new vision of life on the street in a way that’s never been seen before or since. There are only 11 episodes of this special series; each one has to be seen to be believed.

Click here to see the cops victimise a white collar guy.

Click here to see the tense scene where a guilty verdict is handed down.

Click here to see the police captain take his squad to task.

*hello sarcasm.

Despair...

Tis almost February and my morale now lies crippled, further kicked and beaten by circumstance (and some wankers)

No job at Best Buy, I need three years experience because...well actually there’s no reason whatsoever, I’m perfectly capable of doing the job. Then there was the recruiter, who called me back about a job that had become unavailable, and then there was the woman who found my CV on Monster, told me to get in touch, but by the time I tracked her down had forgotten what she had called me about and subsequently never called me back.

But the most crippling blow of all came from a new Super Yacht website. Providing a service to the uber-wealthy, bastards as they’re commonly known, they wished for me to write a piece advertising the location of Aruba to this audience. I did, not expecting much, but I was called on this last Thursday and asked if I was busy on Friday to come in and do one of those selection/interview type day things. I said yes, but there was a catch, and that was that I needed to put together another 600 word piece. It was for a front page feature, on any yacht subject I chose.

So I got started, finished at 11 the night before, and made my way down to the interview place for 10:30. After waiting quite a while, we got started. We were told quite a lot about the site and the market and so on (this was when we learnt what roles were available. Strangely, these roles weren’t actually the one’s they’d advertised). Then the exercises – one where we were to sit down in a group, half of the ten of us, and talk about ourselves and the pieces we wrote, the other, where we would be given a bad piece of copy and had 45 minutes to re-write as best we could. If we get through this, then, and only then, do we get an interview.

It’s heading towards 12 and I get put in the group that does the talking and discussing. And I get to go first. So I introduce myself and then they get the piece I’ve brought in with me, they say it’s well written but more of feature piece and not really suitable for the front page. Then they critique the Aruba piece; say I was right to emphasise one bit but wrong to mention this bit, and before I can really offer any real defence, it’s on to the next person.

And everyone else’s work is perfect for the front page, great stuff, lots of discussion. And to add insult to injury, these are people here with 20+ years experience on me. I go through the next stage, do my best with the copy test, but I’m finished basically. And then after lunch (which they didn’t provide) and then another half-hour after that, waiting for them to come back, I learn that I’ve not made the cut – no surprise. It’s now 3pm.

Four and half hours I was there, and that doesn’t count the amount of time I spent working on the pieces of work I did for them, and for what? I should feel pleased I got selected from amongst the 120 test applications that were sent in, but it’s hard to feel great when you work hard, commit a great deal of time to something, and then get a quick 5 minute brush off in front of a group other. I must have spent less than three minutes actually interacting with the interviewers.

Fuck em, bunch of c@&*s

2009...

Yeah... It's not going too well to tell truth. I spent New Year's Eve pretending it wasn't New Year's Eve because I had stomach flu and was too afraid to eat anything, never mind drink anything. I wasn't going to risk subjecting myself to another seven hour bout of regular twenty minute trips to the toilet with acidic diarrhea (I don't think my sphincter will ever recover).

As for the jobs, well, any leads I had prior to the changing of the year seem to have gone dry. No word from John Lewis and it's approaching two months since the interview.

My only hope now seems to be an American company called Best Buy who are setting up in the UK this year. They're kind of like Dixons and Comet, only they turn a profit. They want four copywriters, so I would hope that I had a reasonable chance of getting one of them - although they do want photoshop experience, which isn't something I have too much of. I'll have to wait and see. As usual...

Delusion of the Day: Cotard Delusion: a rare neuropsychiatric disorder in which a person holds a delusional belief that he or she is dead, does not exist, is putrefying or has lost his/her blood or internal organs.

Filmy Filmy Films

DDDDDD – Exceptional and unparalleled.
DDDDD – Excellent, a special film.
DDDD – High Enjoyable, recommended.
DDD – Worth watching, but unexceptional or flawed.
DD – Bland, dull and average.
D – You’ll envy the deaf and blind.

Barton Fink (1991) John Turturro, John Goodman, Judy Davis, John Mahoney. Dir: Joel Cohen.

A playwright accepts a job in Hollywood, experiences writer’s block and experiences a series of strange events. Deliciously dark study of the creative process and the breaking down of a pretentious artist, as he faces the dark and baffling world of the real people he supposedly knows all about.

DDDDD

In a Lonely Place (1950) Humphrey Bogart, Gloria Grahame, Frank Lovejoy. Dir: Nicholas Ray

An actress provides the alibi for a screenwriter accused of murder, they romance, but his unbalanced behaviour begins to give her doubts. Interesting noir thriller which contains an unusually intense performance by Bogart, but it is does veer too much toward the melodramatic.

DDDD

The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946) Lana Turner, John Garfield, Cecil Kellaway, Hume Cronyn. Dir Tay Garnett.

A drifter and his mistress plot the murder of her aged husband for ownership of his highway diner. Famous presumably for being sexy for the time, dim and irritating characters ineptly scheme to become somebody by inheriting a crap shack in the middle of nowhere. Double Indemnity is better.

DDD

Blood Simple (1983) John Getz, Frances McDormand, Dan Hedeya, M.Emmet Walsh. Dir: Joel Cohen.

A Saloon owner hires a killer to murder his wife and her lover, but it backfires, bringing them all down. First Coen feature is stylish and full of unexpected twists, but it could do with more pace and a bit more humour to fit its contrived plot.

DDDd

The Firm (1993) Tom Cruise, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Gene Hackman, Ed Harris. Dir: Sydney Pollack

An arrogant young lawyer joins a law firm run by the mafia and is then harassed by the FBI. Cardboard characters and a bland, clichéd script make for a watchable but rather vacuous two hours of entertainment.

DDD

The Masque of the Red Death (1964) Vincent Price, Hazel Court, Jane Asher, Patrick Magee. Dir: Roger Corman
A Devil worshipping Prince holds a party within the safety of his castle while plaque ravages the land outside. Shot with more money that the average Corman adaptation, there’s less tongue in cheek in this darker Price vehicle, with a grim finale. It’s stylish and intriguing, with many memorable moments.

DDDD

I Know Where I’m Going (1945) Wendy Hiller, Roger Livesey, Pamela Brown. Dir Emeric Pressburger, Michael Powell.
A determined girl is unable to sail to her fiancée, and waits for the weather to pass in a Scottish village with a desirable nobleman. Beautifully shot, restrained British romance which is subtler than viewers will be used to these days. It isn’t exciting, but is very cosy and warm.

DDDD

A Matter of Life and Death (1946) David Niven, Roger Livesey, Raymond Massey, Kim Hunter, Marius Goring. Dir: Emeric Pressburger, Michael Powell

Having escaped death, a pilot in love discovers he should’ve died and must fight his
case in heaven. Beautiful and imaginative film, which is both sentimental and silly, but also intelligent and thought provoking. The charm, wit and optimism of it all will be irresistible to even the most cynical.

DDDDD

The Stepford Wives (1974) Katherine Ross, Paula Prentiss, Nanette Newman. Dir: Bryan Forbes
Man and wife move to a too perfect community, full of grinning idealised women. Too long in the build-up - the twist was probably quite obvious even then (Buffy would’ve solved it all in 45 minutes). But there are some memorable and effectively creepy scenes,

DDDd

The Mask of Fu Manchu (1932) Boris Karloff, Myrna Loy, Lewis Stone. Dir: Charles Brabin.
The diabolical villain wants the sword of Genghis Khan so he can unite the East to rise up against the West. Immense amounts of camp OTT fun, with great sets and set pieces - providing you can laugh at some of the less than PC attitudes on display.

DDDd

Merry Christmas

Having Christmas at my brothers this year, which is where the X-Box and the Wii are, so that should help with the boredom.

Shalln't get the present I wanted for Christmas: a new job, which in many ways would've been a classic Christmas present - because I'd have been bored of it come March.

Still there's John Lewis, still, still waiting to hear back about that, and maybe there's work for me at Dixons, Playstation, Amazon or even IG Index - a spread betting company (I don't even really understand what that is). So there should be something on the way in 2009.

Hope you have a nice Christmas, whoever you are.

How Life Mocks Me...

While I still wait to find out whether I have a job, or even a second interview, with John Lewis, I've still been cracking away at the applications in the desperate hope of finding new leads that might leave me with a new job for Christmas.

Having applied for a content producer/copywriter role, I got a call from an agency saying, "great, we like your application, we think you might be suitable for this role. Can you come down to the office today, as they finish interviewing at the end of this week?"

So I get my little skates on, iron my shirt, pick-up my portfolio and make haste across London towards Liverpool St. A dash of panic comes over me as I struggle to find the right building with only minutes to spare, but I find said place, fill out some forms and am prepared for the chat.

So I sit down with this guy, and he tells me the vacancy is at a high street rival of Marks & Spencer, a certain department store called John Lewis...

Still, he thinks I've got a good chance of getting the job. They're looking for someone who they won't have to pay as much...

On Tenterhooks

Well it seemed to go quite well. The agency recruitment guy (who called me the day before the interview to see that I had everything ready and everything I needed for the next day, text me that morning to wish me good luck, and called me afterwards to see how it went - how good is that!) called me with feedback and said they'd been very impressed with me in the interview and my copy test.

Now I just have to wait and see. They're interviewing this week still so I won't know for a little while yet.

Other than that, I might be up for a job in Skincare and Cosmetics - sounds good!

Anyway, check out my interview with important documentary making types.

I find the irony of this article both amusing and depressing. It's not only like the pot calling the kettle black, it's like the pot calling the kettle a black, untalented has-bean.

Of course both acts have done lots of crack, so that's what clearly makes them rock 'n' roll.

Interview with John Lewis on this coming Tuesday. It'd better work out, because the only other option so far is an interview with an as yet unnamed electronics retailer that's based up in Hemel Hempstead, which is bloody miles away, and there'd be no pay rise.

I'm also interviewing the people who directed this film after the interview at JL on Tuesday. I hear it's Oscar shortlisted now.

Quite A Mouthful

Got an interview with John Lewis next week for what seems to be exactly the same job. And they're M&S's closest rival, oh yes, if I get the job, they will be crushed!

The Progress So Far

...Yeah there's not really been any. The recruiters who've at least kindly taken the time to actually speak to me, have been very nice and positive about my experience, but have said that I'll probably struggle to find any work until next year.

So I'm on a none paid holiday until next year. I think I'm going to spend it eating crumpets and becoming an alcoholic.

After I've been to Germany this weekend. Finally going abroad and I can't even afford it now. F*****g typical.

Click here to find out more about Russian master surgeon Serge Voronoff.

And here to read my latest album review.

Bitten by the Credit Crunch

I was confident about my job. Felt I was secure; the website was the only area of the business that was doing well and that I was making myself very useful. I was the only one of the copy team who knew anything about technology, and as technology sales were up by more than 100%, I knew I was making a positive contribution to the site.

I was very confident about my job - right up until I entered the office, was sat down and told that my contract was being terminated.

Why? Well they're cutting costs all over the company, and they used to get by with only three copywriters and now they have four. And as clothing is more high profile, and no doubt has a bigger profit margin, who should go? The menswear copywriter, the womenswear copywriter, or the homeware/technology copywriter? And I would've been there a year in a few weeks and become entitled to benefits too - another way to save money.

So I need another job. Anyone need anything writing?

Oh and they've put my rent up, so if it paid more that would be nice too.

Damn Reality!

I had a good week on the stock exchange this week. I shrewd investment in Coffee Republic paid off big when there stocks value exploded, earning me a over £100,000, causing my portfolio to rise in value by 104%.

Was I happy, yeah a little, unfortunately this investment was in fantasy shares on the bullbearings website. My real investments, my money in an HSBC share saver account, they're... well they're not doing so good. Not very good at all...

I hate reality.

On an unrelated subject, I don't think I'm doing enough to promote my other writerly wares*.

Here's an album review I made

And a film review

Best Fact I Learnt Today The man who invented the Dolby sound system is called Ray Dolby.

Best Headline of the Day...