1996 - Broken Leg So, I was trying to get home early, so I could do my paper round. I splashed out 35p on the bus (those were the days) and went to cross the road. There are dual roundabouts at Meir Heath crossing, there is a Lollipop lady who crosses people over the island between the two. I crossed over the first half without any trouble at all. The Lollipop lady then stops a juggernaut lorry for the second half and then moves toward the 2nd lane. I confidently follow her into the road, and assuming that all traffic has stopped, stride toward the 2nd lane. But I step ahead of her. A Volvo, not seeing either of us because of the lorry, drives past. I walked into the side of it as it’s passing by me. My left leg strikes it, I spin on my right leg and fall onto the ground. I don’t know that I’m seriously hurt, so I try stand up.
That hurt.
I have broken my leg and dislocated my ankle. At hospital, they plan to snap my leg back together. They put me under, but discover a broken piece of bone in the way, so they remove it. I later discover my body's complete aversion to anaesthetic and spend the whole next day vomiting. When the police came to get a statement from me, they noted that there was absolutely no mark on the car whatsoever, not even in the dirt. I didn’t stand a chance.
2004 - The Mystery Hernia I don’t know how I got a hernia. Maybe it was from hulking cripplingly heavy suitcases to the station that Christmas and stubbornly not taking a taxi because it was only ten minutes walk. There was no moment when I was in agony. I first noticed the injury while playing car ball ( A game where you try to throw a football into the open windows of car as it drives around in a circle. On getting a ball in a window, you get to sit in the car to defend it) when I felt a pulled muscle sensation above my groin.
So, I visited a doctor in March, who said I’d probably got a hernia. He made an appointment for me to visit a specialist. The appointment came through in June, where a specialist confirmed it was a hernia, but because I was finishing University that week, I couldn’t have an operation scheduled. So I arranged to see a Doctor back in glorious Stoke, who reiterated that I did indeed have a hernia. So he arranged for me to see a specialist who, in September, told me once again that I had a hernia, and put me on the waiting list for an operation. I got this appointment the following February with 7 days notice; they have to treat within 6 months, so they had to clear the list and if I couldn’t make it, I might have to wait another 6 months, I had a ticket booked to London for that day, but that’s another long and irritating story. I didn’t like the anaesthetic any more then than the previous op.
If anybody any suggestion about what I should write about in future, please feel free to suggest.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Tales Of Personal Injury 2
1993 - The T.B Injection: Nobody likes having an injection, but I took it like a pre-pubescent man and thought nothing of it. And it was sore afterward, and I did scratch a bit. What no one could've predicted was that I would come out in a large rash and grow a scab the size of a satsuma - though this provided a handy shield against punching, but the rash wasn't pleasant. The nurses were puzzled and I was sent to hospital to take a variety of tests and no one really seemed to be sure what was going on but it seemed, by this time, to be in remission, so there was no fuss and in the end, there was just large amounts of anti-septic cream to spread over me on a regular basis.
1995 - Broken Arm: To be perfectly accurate, I did in fact, break the bone just below my thumb, but as this connects down the entire of my arm, I got the full plaster treatment. I would like to say I earned the injury by playing rugby, but I didn't even get a far as the field. I was running to the field (in a bizarre show of enthusiasm) when I skidded on my football boots, fell, and landed on my arm. Of course, no one thought it was serious and I was viciously mocked and remember being so upset that I cried - plus the fact it really hurt. Apparently this bone is really hard to break, and is more commonly broken by the elderly.
The Requested Tale Of A Near Miss: I was at the seaside with my Mum and Dad. I was sat on a wall by the beach; there was pavement on either side of the wall and I was casually making fun of my Father's baldness or beer belly, I can't remember which, then he would chase me a little. When he got close, I simply rolled over the wall. Unfortunately, the pavement on the other side had changed into steps, to lead down to the beach below, and when I rolled over, there was an approximately 15 - 2o foot drop to the pavement below. However, my fall was broken - by my own arse. I landed on my backside and was surprisingly unharmed. I did hurt a little, but if I remember rightly, there was not even a bruise. I was totally unmarked, unlike the time when I fell on the spike of a metal log basket...
Next time - My altercation with a Volvo at a roundabout, and the mysterious hernia...
1995 - Broken Arm: To be perfectly accurate, I did in fact, break the bone just below my thumb, but as this connects down the entire of my arm, I got the full plaster treatment. I would like to say I earned the injury by playing rugby, but I didn't even get a far as the field. I was running to the field (in a bizarre show of enthusiasm) when I skidded on my football boots, fell, and landed on my arm. Of course, no one thought it was serious and I was viciously mocked and remember being so upset that I cried - plus the fact it really hurt. Apparently this bone is really hard to break, and is more commonly broken by the elderly.
The Requested Tale Of A Near Miss: I was at the seaside with my Mum and Dad. I was sat on a wall by the beach; there was pavement on either side of the wall and I was casually making fun of my Father's baldness or beer belly, I can't remember which, then he would chase me a little. When he got close, I simply rolled over the wall. Unfortunately, the pavement on the other side had changed into steps, to lead down to the beach below, and when I rolled over, there was an approximately 15 - 2o foot drop to the pavement below. However, my fall was broken - by my own arse. I landed on my backside and was surprisingly unharmed. I did hurt a little, but if I remember rightly, there was not even a bruise. I was totally unmarked, unlike the time when I fell on the spike of a metal log basket...
Next time - My altercation with a Volvo at a roundabout, and the mysterious hernia...
Monday, February 05, 2007
In the Year 1996...
Mathematics: 34% Level 5, David has worked steadily – but he must learn to ask for help when he needs it, instead of worrying, which just rocks his self-confidence.
English: 60% Level 5, David always shows interest and I have been pleased with the quality of much of his written work. He now needs to concentrate on organisation + presentation.
Science: 69% David is a very pleasant young man who works hard with great interest. Perhaps some attention could be paid to his presentation skills.
Technology: David has proved to be a conscientious and diligent worker who has tried his best to produce a very good DT/business project. Well done David.
P.E.: David does find this subject difficult but he must persevere more if he is to make progress.
I.T.: David is a quiet pupil who works very well and has achieved a good level of IT capability. He shows interest in the subject and has produced some excellent work. An* very good exam result.
French: David needs to put more effort into his work as I find him lacking in motivation. Assessments in reading & writing are quite good but listening & speaking need more work. Presentational skills need some attention.
Geography: 71% A very good result. David’s work has made very good progress this year. He still needs to improve the presentation of his work. David also needs to improve the quality of his written work.
History: 71% David always puts great thought and imagination into his work, and he has made a major contribution to some creative group presentations, he should now work on the detail and presentation in his writing.
Art: 63% David shows great enthusiasm for this subject. He has a very positive attitude** and is not afraid to be ambitious in his work, looking forward to further progress next year.
Music: 79% A pleasing result. David works with a quiet interest in all aspects of this subject. He should not underestimate his abilities.
R.E. 92% David works steadily in class and has a good understanding. The quality of his written work tends to let him down. Excellent exam result, well done.
Form Tutor Comments: A good report that David has earned through hard work. He should be pleased with this good result. Sometimes David lets his relationships with fellow students get on top of him. A growth of self-confidence will help out here.
Headteacher***: David has obviously worked very hard for the success that he has gained this year, and for this he must be praised. In year nine he must (next few words are unreadable) he concentrates on his own performance and improves this by setting targets suggested within his report. Keep up the good effort!
*Her mistake not mine, and the sad thing is that she spent her time typing that comment and aligning to fit in the box when she printed it because she was the IT teacher and thought it best to type. This same teacher would later be discovered to be having an affair with one of the DT teachers, this was shocking not just because he had a wife and kids, but also because he could do better.
** What?
***This was actually written by the head of year, the headteacher was probably too busy working on her hair-do****.
**** It was an impressive and intricate hair-do.
English: 60% Level 5, David always shows interest and I have been pleased with the quality of much of his written work. He now needs to concentrate on organisation + presentation.
Science: 69% David is a very pleasant young man who works hard with great interest. Perhaps some attention could be paid to his presentation skills.
Technology: David has proved to be a conscientious and diligent worker who has tried his best to produce a very good DT/business project. Well done David.
P.E.: David does find this subject difficult but he must persevere more if he is to make progress.
I.T.: David is a quiet pupil who works very well and has achieved a good level of IT capability. He shows interest in the subject and has produced some excellent work. An* very good exam result.
French: David needs to put more effort into his work as I find him lacking in motivation. Assessments in reading & writing are quite good but listening & speaking need more work. Presentational skills need some attention.
Geography: 71% A very good result. David’s work has made very good progress this year. He still needs to improve the presentation of his work. David also needs to improve the quality of his written work.
History: 71% David always puts great thought and imagination into his work, and he has made a major contribution to some creative group presentations, he should now work on the detail and presentation in his writing.
Art: 63% David shows great enthusiasm for this subject. He has a very positive attitude** and is not afraid to be ambitious in his work, looking forward to further progress next year.
Music: 79% A pleasing result. David works with a quiet interest in all aspects of this subject. He should not underestimate his abilities.
R.E. 92% David works steadily in class and has a good understanding. The quality of his written work tends to let him down. Excellent exam result, well done.
Form Tutor Comments: A good report that David has earned through hard work. He should be pleased with this good result. Sometimes David lets his relationships with fellow students get on top of him. A growth of self-confidence will help out here.
Headteacher***: David has obviously worked very hard for the success that he has gained this year, and for this he must be praised. In year nine he must (next few words are unreadable) he concentrates on his own performance and improves this by setting targets suggested within his report. Keep up the good effort!
*Her mistake not mine, and the sad thing is that she spent her time typing that comment and aligning to fit in the box when she printed it because she was the IT teacher and thought it best to type. This same teacher would later be discovered to be having an affair with one of the DT teachers, this was shocking not just because he had a wife and kids, but also because he could do better.
** What?
***This was actually written by the head of year, the headteacher was probably too busy working on her hair-do****.
**** It was an impressive and intricate hair-do.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tales of Personal Injury 1
Because the most interesting things that happen to me each day tends to be what I pick from beneath my toenails, I've decided to relate some of my past tales of anti-glory, from my archive of tales of woe.
This week, I begin the telling of the 7 occasions that have sent me to hospital.
Sometime in 1984 - Cracked head open after falling out the back of a van.
Naturally I don't really remember what happened, but apparently I'd just learnt how to run and was darting around the back of my Dad's van (it wasn't moving) and just ran out the back and landed head first onto the gravel.
Sometime in 1985 - Cracked head open again.
My brother was chasing me around the showers of a swimming bath, so guess what happened? He's always had it in for me...
Sometime in 1988 - Growth pains.
Admitted to hospital where I lay in bed with my leg in a sling and raised due to the weight attached to it. I seem to remember that I was only supposed to be there for a few days, but this was extended for 2 weeks, I was not able to appear in the Christmas play, though I was out for Christmas. Didn't get a class card, but I good a hardback book about the nativity from the teacher, who I didn't like. She was called me stupid for colouring my hair in green in picture, not realising my colour vision deficiency.
Coming next week: The TB injection fiasco and the breaking of my arm during rugby lesson (not as cool as it sounds)
I am accepting request for tales of misfortune to be retold here should anybody have any favourites.
This week, I begin the telling of the 7 occasions that have sent me to hospital.
Sometime in 1984 - Cracked head open after falling out the back of a van.
Naturally I don't really remember what happened, but apparently I'd just learnt how to run and was darting around the back of my Dad's van (it wasn't moving) and just ran out the back and landed head first onto the gravel.
Sometime in 1985 - Cracked head open again.
My brother was chasing me around the showers of a swimming bath, so guess what happened? He's always had it in for me...
Sometime in 1988 - Growth pains.
Admitted to hospital where I lay in bed with my leg in a sling and raised due to the weight attached to it. I seem to remember that I was only supposed to be there for a few days, but this was extended for 2 weeks, I was not able to appear in the Christmas play, though I was out for Christmas. Didn't get a class card, but I good a hardback book about the nativity from the teacher, who I didn't like. She was called me stupid for colouring my hair in green in picture, not realising my colour vision deficiency.
Coming next week: The TB injection fiasco and the breaking of my arm during rugby lesson (not as cool as it sounds)
I am accepting request for tales of misfortune to be retold here should anybody have any favourites.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Fact 15
Factosis Level: High. Medical Advice: Place head in fridge.
Kenneth Pinyan, also known as Mr Hands, regularly engaged in sexual activity with full size stallions, in particular one known as Bullseye. He would often film these acts and distribute them.
He died on the July 2nd 2005, his colon was ruptured during filmed intercourse, where a stallion had anal sex with him. He died of peritonitus in hospital hours later.
The incident lead to the illegalisation of bestiality in the state of Washington, as well as filming such acts. The man who filmed the incident was later charged with tresspassing because the video was shot on a neighbours land. Despite thorough investigation, no evidence of animal abuse or cruelty was found.
Pretty sick I know, but it was a choice between this and the story of how three people died on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie, which is very unpleasant. The death of someone who died for being a sick, stupid bastard, however, is ripe for amusment.
I need something better to do with my time.
Kenneth Pinyan, also known as Mr Hands, regularly engaged in sexual activity with full size stallions, in particular one known as Bullseye. He would often film these acts and distribute them.
He died on the July 2nd 2005, his colon was ruptured during filmed intercourse, where a stallion had anal sex with him. He died of peritonitus in hospital hours later.
The incident lead to the illegalisation of bestiality in the state of Washington, as well as filming such acts. The man who filmed the incident was later charged with tresspassing because the video was shot on a neighbours land. Despite thorough investigation, no evidence of animal abuse or cruelty was found.
Pretty sick I know, but it was a choice between this and the story of how three people died on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie, which is very unpleasant. The death of someone who died for being a sick, stupid bastard, however, is ripe for amusment.
I need something better to do with my time.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Guardian F***wits
As part of the 2nd place victory gained by the website I used to help run www.bloc-online.com, the authors of the site were awarded a cheque for £250.
Minus the expenses from going to the awards, this money was going to be spent on a bar tab as part of a final party for the wonderful folk on my course.
However, the geniuses at the Guardian made the cheque out to www.bloc-online.com. Bloc-online is not actually a person. They seemed to be under the impression that this was the kind of operation that had a budget or an account to deposit said cheque into.
So, because I'm generous, great and a one day candidate for canonisation, I assumed most of the debt for the time being.
This has left me £160 out of pocket.
So imagine my delight on hearing that the cheque had been reissued, had arrived, and was ready to be cashed in.
One slight problem.
No one's actually signed it.
What a bunch of w*****s
Minus the expenses from going to the awards, this money was going to be spent on a bar tab as part of a final party for the wonderful folk on my course.
However, the geniuses at the Guardian made the cheque out to www.bloc-online.com. Bloc-online is not actually a person. They seemed to be under the impression that this was the kind of operation that had a budget or an account to deposit said cheque into.
So, because I'm generous, great and a one day candidate for canonisation, I assumed most of the debt for the time being.
This has left me £160 out of pocket.
So imagine my delight on hearing that the cheque had been reissued, had arrived, and was ready to be cashed in.
One slight problem.
No one's actually signed it.
What a bunch of w*****s
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Blog Entry Postponed
Thursday, January 04, 2007
OH DEAR LORD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've just heard the horrible, horrible news.
Police Academy 8 is cancelled, on indefinite hiatus because of a lack of funding.
NNNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
In case I don't make it through this, I just want you to know that I love you all*.
* Not you Phil.
Police Academy 8 is cancelled, on indefinite hiatus because of a lack of funding.
NNNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
In case I don't make it through this, I just want you to know that I love you all*.
* Not you Phil.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Survived
Got through Christmas. My plan to comfort eat myself stupid worked perfectly.
Have spent most of the festive week downloading things and then transferring them to DVD and then copying the DVD's so both me & my mum have a copy. This has taken over my life. At night I think about it: What speed has it downloaded, how many re-writable discs do I have left? Can I re-download the episodes that won't burn? It's been at 93% for a long time now, has it frozen? I need my life* back.
I have to get back to Cornwall. I hate Stoke.
But what the f**K am I going to do for New Year.
Phobia of the day: Emetophobia — fear of vomiting.
* I define my own terms.
Have spent most of the festive week downloading things and then transferring them to DVD and then copying the DVD's so both me & my mum have a copy. This has taken over my life. At night I think about it: What speed has it downloaded, how many re-writable discs do I have left? Can I re-download the episodes that won't burn? It's been at 93% for a long time now, has it frozen? I need my life* back.
I have to get back to Cornwall. I hate Stoke.
But what the f**K am I going to do for New Year.
Phobia of the day: Emetophobia — fear of vomiting.
* I define my own terms.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
The Spirit Of Christmas
Unbelievable as it was, I was actually having a smooth train journey. Travelling back on a Friday and just before Christmas, everything had been comfortable and not too badly crowded.
But then, as I reached the final leg of my journey, and my last change at Birmingham, I yanked my case from the others in the rack, dragged it outside, checked that I had everything, and discovered I did not have any of my train tickets - part of which was my open return ticket.
People were crowding into the carriage, how was I to retrieve my ticket? I spoke to a man on the platform (a knob), he tells me to tell the train manager at the other end of the train, which is too far away and would require me to leave my case. I try to get into the carriage but the crowds won't disperse and I have to get off before the doors close.
All I have is the first part of my ticket used as bookmark in Tom Baker's Autobiography, so I can at least get all the way to Stoke. When I get there, I go to most well hidden customer service counter in the world, and plee for their help in getting a replacement ticket. But their computer system is down, the train can't be contacted, and the tickets can't be replaced because they were my responsibility. I plead with them, this is a £70 ticket, can they at least take my number and get in touch with the train when they can.
Instead, the guy there says he'll do what he's not allowed to do, write me out a replacement ticket, because it's Christmas.
Proof if any that the Christmas spirit is still alive. And that not everyone who works for Virgin trains is a w****r.
But then, as I reached the final leg of my journey, and my last change at Birmingham, I yanked my case from the others in the rack, dragged it outside, checked that I had everything, and discovered I did not have any of my train tickets - part of which was my open return ticket.
People were crowding into the carriage, how was I to retrieve my ticket? I spoke to a man on the platform (a knob), he tells me to tell the train manager at the other end of the train, which is too far away and would require me to leave my case. I try to get into the carriage but the crowds won't disperse and I have to get off before the doors close.
All I have is the first part of my ticket used as bookmark in Tom Baker's Autobiography, so I can at least get all the way to Stoke. When I get there, I go to most well hidden customer service counter in the world, and plee for their help in getting a replacement ticket. But their computer system is down, the train can't be contacted, and the tickets can't be replaced because they were my responsibility. I plead with them, this is a £70 ticket, can they at least take my number and get in touch with the train when they can.
Instead, the guy there says he'll do what he's not allowed to do, write me out a replacement ticket, because it's Christmas.
Proof if any that the Christmas spirit is still alive. And that not everyone who works for Virgin trains is a w****r.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Days Of Loaded III
DAY SEVEN
Sorted and distributed the mail like a pro. Given my best job so far: I went to collect the editor’s dry-cleaning. Later I got to make a photocopy of the whole new edition of the magazine. Then I started researching kiss and tell stories for men who used to go out with famous woman. It was not a good day.
DAY EIGHT
Somehow ended up in the pub with all the writers, and found myself sat awkwardly to the editor and the deputy editor. They were talking about the editor’s friend who works for the sun, where behind the scenes the serial killer had been dubbed THE SUFFOLK-ATOR, but not even the sun was brave enough to put that on the cover.
They asked me what I was up to and I told them about how that afternoon I was going to be filling up boxes to send to the archive – I got to make the boxes in the evening. He said I ought to be doing something better (the man whose dry cleaning I collected).
DAY NINE
Helped to clear out the cupboards to help do their Christmas sale of unwanted promotional stuff. I hulked a heavy trolley to the floor below where the selection wasn’t spectacular. When what good things they had were sold, I was sent back to get the editor to empty out his office. We found a sandwich toaster, full sized Predator head and then there was this stereo. The editor didn’t want it, the features editor didn’t want it, did I want it? All ill will suddenly forgotten…
My computer password expired. While I waited for it to be renewed I asked if there was anything I could do that didn’t involve a computer. The deputy editor suggested I should go through the newspapers and try to find anything that might make a good story, and if I found anything, I could write it. My big chance had come at last!!! Unfortunately, a moment later, one of the guys from the picture desk sent me to Oxford Circus to fetch some DVDs they needed screen shots from. When I returned the computer was working again and I went back to my research into robots. Sigh.
DAY TEN
Finally got all the bloody table top game pictures and most of the desired camping gear was delivered and completed. They said they’ll post the stereo too me. They seemed genuinely pleased with me when I left, although I’m sure they say the whole ‘keep in touch’ thing to everyone. I was told to arrange a return visit with the office manager and although I’ve been pretty sarcy about it, it was worth doing and I might get trusted some new tasks if I go again. They might even let me feed the fish.
Sorted and distributed the mail like a pro. Given my best job so far: I went to collect the editor’s dry-cleaning. Later I got to make a photocopy of the whole new edition of the magazine. Then I started researching kiss and tell stories for men who used to go out with famous woman. It was not a good day.
DAY EIGHT
Somehow ended up in the pub with all the writers, and found myself sat awkwardly to the editor and the deputy editor. They were talking about the editor’s friend who works for the sun, where behind the scenes the serial killer had been dubbed THE SUFFOLK-ATOR, but not even the sun was brave enough to put that on the cover.
They asked me what I was up to and I told them about how that afternoon I was going to be filling up boxes to send to the archive – I got to make the boxes in the evening. He said I ought to be doing something better (the man whose dry cleaning I collected).
DAY NINE
Helped to clear out the cupboards to help do their Christmas sale of unwanted promotional stuff. I hulked a heavy trolley to the floor below where the selection wasn’t spectacular. When what good things they had were sold, I was sent back to get the editor to empty out his office. We found a sandwich toaster, full sized Predator head and then there was this stereo. The editor didn’t want it, the features editor didn’t want it, did I want it? All ill will suddenly forgotten…
My computer password expired. While I waited for it to be renewed I asked if there was anything I could do that didn’t involve a computer. The deputy editor suggested I should go through the newspapers and try to find anything that might make a good story, and if I found anything, I could write it. My big chance had come at last!!! Unfortunately, a moment later, one of the guys from the picture desk sent me to Oxford Circus to fetch some DVDs they needed screen shots from. When I returned the computer was working again and I went back to my research into robots. Sigh.
DAY TEN
Finally got all the bloody table top game pictures and most of the desired camping gear was delivered and completed. They said they’ll post the stereo too me. They seemed genuinely pleased with me when I left, although I’m sure they say the whole ‘keep in touch’ thing to everyone. I was told to arrange a return visit with the office manager and although I’ve been pretty sarcy about it, it was worth doing and I might get trusted some new tasks if I go again. They might even let me feed the fish.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Days Of Loaded @
DAY FOUR
Day four is a blur. It involved research on Shanghai I think, and there’s a blur of elevators and floor I took things to and from.
DAY FIVE
Sorted and distributed the mail. Sent out to buy the ingredients for an expensive Christmas pudding – just for a photograph, no pudding was being made. Found out that Marks & Spensers at Marble Arch had the biggest food court but they don’t sell things like flour!!! or sugar !!! So I go to Selfridges next door where I can’t find anything cos they’re in funny places – raisins in the Mediterranean section? Still all the ingredients are not there and the Selfridges manager tells me to go to Waitrose in Marylebone high st. Is there one there? Is there fuck!!!
DAY SIX
Sorted and distributed the mail. Whisked off to Leicester Sq with one of the writers to buy a chefs hat and apron, then to his home in North London to collect some supermarket curries, then to an award winning curry house in Hackney where they were tasted by an expert. I took the photos. Then back to central London to buy an £8 curry (no rice) from Selfridges and then back to the office. As a writer I feel very proud to be getting a photographers credit in the magazine.
Day four is a blur. It involved research on Shanghai I think, and there’s a blur of elevators and floor I took things to and from.
DAY FIVE
Sorted and distributed the mail. Sent out to buy the ingredients for an expensive Christmas pudding – just for a photograph, no pudding was being made. Found out that Marks & Spensers at Marble Arch had the biggest food court but they don’t sell things like flour!!! or sugar !!! So I go to Selfridges next door where I can’t find anything cos they’re in funny places – raisins in the Mediterranean section? Still all the ingredients are not there and the Selfridges manager tells me to go to Waitrose in Marylebone high st. Is there one there? Is there fuck!!!
DAY SIX
Sorted and distributed the mail. Whisked off to Leicester Sq with one of the writers to buy a chefs hat and apron, then to his home in North London to collect some supermarket curries, then to an award winning curry house in Hackney where they were tasted by an expert. I took the photos. Then back to central London to buy an £8 curry (no rice) from Selfridges and then back to the office. As a writer I feel very proud to be getting a photographers credit in the magazine.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Days Of Loaded
DAY ONE
Sorted and distributed the mail. Got security pass. Forgot which floor was I going back to and had to go back to reception to find out. Researched the life story of Jimmy Savile. All the features team went to pub at dinner and did't come back. Had nothing to do. They sent me home early.
DAY TWO
Sorted and distributed the mail. Sent down to reception repeatedly to fetch models to the office. Sent to local newsagent to buy £40 worth of porn to help compile their porn-a-likes section. Phoned companies to try and blag free equipment for a travel adventure feature. Then compiled a list of ten table top games and the websites that sold them and then contacted each one to get a photograph. Savile unused.
DAY THREE
Sorted and distributed the mail. A nice feature writer wrote me a map of the office to show me who was who and where they were sat - this will make things much easier in future. Researched strange valentines gifts. Chased up the equipment enquiries and table games photo's - three now retrieved. May get two free backpack and might be allowed to keep one. Researched more valentines gifts - may have gone overboard. Researched the life and times of the rapper Ludacris.
Oh and I passed by the way.
Sorted and distributed the mail. Got security pass. Forgot which floor was I going back to and had to go back to reception to find out. Researched the life story of Jimmy Savile. All the features team went to pub at dinner and did't come back. Had nothing to do. They sent me home early.
DAY TWO
Sorted and distributed the mail. Sent down to reception repeatedly to fetch models to the office. Sent to local newsagent to buy £40 worth of porn to help compile their porn-a-likes section. Phoned companies to try and blag free equipment for a travel adventure feature. Then compiled a list of ten table top games and the websites that sold them and then contacted each one to get a photograph. Savile unused.
DAY THREE
Sorted and distributed the mail. A nice feature writer wrote me a map of the office to show me who was who and where they were sat - this will make things much easier in future. Researched strange valentines gifts. Chased up the equipment enquiries and table games photo's - three now retrieved. May get two free backpack and might be allowed to keep one. Researched more valentines gifts - may have gone overboard. Researched the life and times of the rapper Ludacris.
Oh and I passed by the way.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
The Oncoming Onset Of Panic
Tomorrow is results day. The culmination of a whole years work *
Now I know I've passed, but what about that elusive Distinction?
My current average is at 65%, so I'd need about 78 + to acheive it. So likely, it isn't. Although for my last assessment I got 68% for my portfolio and in theory it should be better this time around, it does seem unlikely. It will probably be frustratingly close...
However, this Monday I start my work placement at Loaded magazine. As you can no doubt tell from this blog and my general colossal sexual prowess that I'm right in the middle of the Loaded target audience and will make for an extremely valuable member of their team, although I do make a shit cup of coffee.
*this is my own special definition of the word 'work'
Now I know I've passed, but what about that elusive Distinction?
My current average is at 65%, so I'd need about 78 + to acheive it. So likely, it isn't. Although for my last assessment I got 68% for my portfolio and in theory it should be better this time around, it does seem unlikely. It will probably be frustratingly close...
However, this Monday I start my work placement at Loaded magazine. As you can no doubt tell from this blog and my general colossal sexual prowess that I'm right in the middle of the Loaded target audience and will make for an extremely valuable member of their team, although I do make a shit cup of coffee.
*this is my own special definition of the word 'work'
Friday, November 24, 2006
My Mother...
My mother sent me this joke the other day:
Ron the rooster was the biggest, toughest, meanest rooster in the world. He spent all his time beating up all the other animals on the farm. One day he picked on the farmyard cat. Unfortunately for the rooster, the cat beat the crap out of him, which proves NO MATTER HOW BIG THE COCK IS, A PUSSY CAN ALWAYS TAKE IT*
You just, you don’t want that from your mum, you just don’t.
I’m gonna have to have a word with her again….
*yes, she did write that in capitals.
Ron the rooster was the biggest, toughest, meanest rooster in the world. He spent all his time beating up all the other animals on the farm. One day he picked on the farmyard cat. Unfortunately for the rooster, the cat beat the crap out of him, which proves NO MATTER HOW BIG THE COCK IS, A PUSSY CAN ALWAYS TAKE IT*
You just, you don’t want that from your mum, you just don’t.
I’m gonna have to have a word with her again….
*yes, she did write that in capitals.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Me + Train = Bad
One: Falmouth to Stoke-on-Trent
When my train arrived at Truro I was surprised to find that the first three carriages had all the windows blacked out and were all unavailable. It turns out that an earlier train hadn’t made it all the way down to Penzance and they’d had to get what ever train they could.
The night train.
All the passengers, this was a Friday so we are a talking a lot of passengers, had to squeeze into three first class carriages. So I spent the next two hours sat on a bike rack desperately needing the toilet because the closest one was out of order and there were dozens upon dozens of people between me and the next one. The conductor personally handed out complaints forms along with pre-paid envelopes to send them. How kind.
Two: Blythe Bridge – Sheffield.
You’d think when no matter which direction the train is going, I could still get to my destination, that I would be okay. The train toward Stoke leaves five minutes earlier than it used to so I miss that one. Then the next one, half hour later going toward Derby, is cancelled without any warning. Blythe Bridge is bus stop style station with an information point which can’t be trusted: the point said nothing about the cancelled train only that the next train to Stoke was going to be ten minutes late. It arrived twenty minutes late, a jolly hour and twenty after I arrived at the station.
Three: Stoke-on-Trent – Truro
No bad incidents but because we were taking an unusual diversionary route, they’d overestimated the time, so we waited ten minutes at Bristol and Twenty at Taunton because the train was too early!!!
I was in Sheffield to see Muse. They were understandably excellent. I stayed at a friends of a friends house, he’d given us the key but not told us about the alarm. After half hour of noise he phoned back with the code.
BUTTON UPDATE
Well my new button is still firmly fastened, I was genuinely distraught however, when the coats other button came off during my trip. DAMN IT
When my train arrived at Truro I was surprised to find that the first three carriages had all the windows blacked out and were all unavailable. It turns out that an earlier train hadn’t made it all the way down to Penzance and they’d had to get what ever train they could.
The night train.
All the passengers, this was a Friday so we are a talking a lot of passengers, had to squeeze into three first class carriages. So I spent the next two hours sat on a bike rack desperately needing the toilet because the closest one was out of order and there were dozens upon dozens of people between me and the next one. The conductor personally handed out complaints forms along with pre-paid envelopes to send them. How kind.
Two: Blythe Bridge – Sheffield.
You’d think when no matter which direction the train is going, I could still get to my destination, that I would be okay. The train toward Stoke leaves five minutes earlier than it used to so I miss that one. Then the next one, half hour later going toward Derby, is cancelled without any warning. Blythe Bridge is bus stop style station with an information point which can’t be trusted: the point said nothing about the cancelled train only that the next train to Stoke was going to be ten minutes late. It arrived twenty minutes late, a jolly hour and twenty after I arrived at the station.
Three: Stoke-on-Trent – Truro
No bad incidents but because we were taking an unusual diversionary route, they’d overestimated the time, so we waited ten minutes at Bristol and Twenty at Taunton because the train was too early!!!
I was in Sheffield to see Muse. They were understandably excellent. I stayed at a friends of a friends house, he’d given us the key but not told us about the alarm. After half hour of noise he phoned back with the code.
BUTTON UPDATE
Well my new button is still firmly fastened, I was genuinely distraught however, when the coats other button came off during my trip. DAMN IT
Monday, November 13, 2006
My Achievements
Sadly, www.bloc-online.com - the website put together by myself & my fellow, now former*, students at University College Falmouth, did not win the Guardian Student Media Award - we came second.
I also failed to win, or come runner-up, in Radio 4 sketch writing competition.
But just when I thought I was a failure...
Whilst participating in the Penryn Seven Stars pub quiz, me and my fellow teammates came across a real stinker in the picture round.
We were given a selection of pictures which represented certain phrases or words, which we had to decipher. For example:
This is Tow(e) truck
Having got almost all of them right, we found ourselves struggling on the final picture.
What on earth was the answer?
Becoming desperate, I began to scrape the barrel with suggestions like Re-cow-very or Catt-ill.
But what was the answer? Oh yes dear reader, I got it...
Music (moo-sick)
You see! I am a winner after all!!!
Of course we only came joint third on the whole scheme of things, but I was the only person who got that answer, so I rule!!!
ENFORCED AMENDMENT: I have been asked to point out that my professional writing colleague, Ruth Underwood, made a significant contribution by getting all the answer correct in a test on the sign language alphabet**
I also managed this week to successfully sow a button on my jacket. It's not the same colour as the other one but another acheivement nevertheless.
*they took away my HMV discount - bastards
** Happy now Andrew
I also failed to win, or come runner-up, in Radio 4 sketch writing competition.
But just when I thought I was a failure...
Whilst participating in the Penryn Seven Stars pub quiz, me and my fellow teammates came across a real stinker in the picture round.
We were given a selection of pictures which represented certain phrases or words, which we had to decipher. For example:
This is Tow(e) truckHaving got almost all of them right, we found ourselves struggling on the final picture.
What on earth was the answer?
Becoming desperate, I began to scrape the barrel with suggestions like Re-cow-very or Catt-ill.
But what was the answer? Oh yes dear reader, I got it...
Music (moo-sick)
You see! I am a winner after all!!!
Of course we only came joint third on the whole scheme of things, but I was the only person who got that answer, so I rule!!!
ENFORCED AMENDMENT: I have been asked to point out that my professional writing colleague, Ruth Underwood, made a significant contribution by getting all the answer correct in a test on the sign language alphabet**
I also managed this week to successfully sow a button on my jacket. It's not the same colour as the other one but another acheivement nevertheless.
*they took away my HMV discount - bastards
** Happy now Andrew
Monday, November 06, 2006
Adventures In a Budget Hotel In Shepherds Bush
I decided to treat myself while I was in london and decided to stay in a hotel. I went onto Yell.com, found the cheapest hotel with the best customer rating and booked it. Even then it seemed too easy.
I got the Euro-Hotel in Shepherds Bush. 3.9 out of 5 and £35 a night - sounded okay.
So I get there on Friday and check in, the room doesn't have a wardrobe but it has a big double bed and lovely large bathroom with a massive bathtub.
But it's supposed to have wireless and I need to get on the net to get direction to the public records office. So I tell the guy in reception and he moves me to another room. Bad idea
I should never have excepted it but because I was being a nuissance I did and I immediatly regretted it. The room was right next to reception, in fact it was the old reception. There was a little window looking out into the lobby with a blind pulled over it.
So that night it was noisy, and the cramped little room was boiling despite having the windows open. The radiator was only warm, how could it be so hot? Of course no ones drained it in a long time, the bottom half is on full.
So I complained and got moved again. This time to a room in a different part of the building, nice room again, even has a fridge. No wireless but I just want to have a quiet room and no fuss.
The next morning there's a knock on my door at around 9:40. The boilers in my room and it needs to be turned off. Guy comes in and leaves. Then I just happen to be about in the evening relaxing and man comes in again to turn if back on.
The next day the knock comes at 8:20. Obviously this p****d me off rather a lot.
On my final night I attached the following note to my door.
I got the Euro-Hotel in Shepherds Bush. 3.9 out of 5 and £35 a night - sounded okay.
So I get there on Friday and check in, the room doesn't have a wardrobe but it has a big double bed and lovely large bathroom with a massive bathtub.
But it's supposed to have wireless and I need to get on the net to get direction to the public records office. So I tell the guy in reception and he moves me to another room. Bad idea
I should never have excepted it but because I was being a nuissance I did and I immediatly regretted it. The room was right next to reception, in fact it was the old reception. There was a little window looking out into the lobby with a blind pulled over it.
So that night it was noisy, and the cramped little room was boiling despite having the windows open. The radiator was only warm, how could it be so hot? Of course no ones drained it in a long time, the bottom half is on full.
So I complained and got moved again. This time to a room in a different part of the building, nice room again, even has a fridge. No wireless but I just want to have a quiet room and no fuss.
The next morning there's a knock on my door at around 9:40. The boilers in my room and it needs to be turned off. Guy comes in and leaves. Then I just happen to be about in the evening relaxing and man comes in again to turn if back on.
The next day the knock comes at 8:20. Obviously this p****d me off rather a lot.
On my final night I attached the following note to my door.
To Whoever this may concern
I do not intend to be woken up
AGAIN so that someone can get to
the boiler. I have bolted this door
and do not intend to allow access
until 9:45 at the earliest. Do not
knock you will be ignored.
I was not bothered that morning and nobody came to turn it off before I left my key in the door and left. Shame really, cos it ought to have been quite a nice place.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
F**k I'm not a student anymore
Last Friday something terrible and deeply shocking happened - I stopped being a student.
It was a harrowing affair. I handed in 40,000 words to an office and suddenly it was all over. My right to sit and my arse and do fuck all - gone. my ability to get a pound off shades night club in falmouth - my ability to get a pound of the falmouth arts cinema - remains as long as they continue not to check the card properly, my 10% HMV discount - fraudulantly still active.
So I had a weeks holiday to recouperate. It's hard work not working very hard.
Here is a list of things I tried to do but failed to.
London Dungeon - half term = massive queues, the book in advance fast track queue was longer than the normal queue
Cartoon Museum - couldn't find it, then it was too late to go.
Comedy Store - sold out
Photo exhibition - not running in the evening
London Film Festival - all events on that night were shite
I also went to the public hall of records to find some trial records for a radio play I hope to write.
The file I wanted, described as being 'essential to study', was of course being used. So I went back on Monday, still in use.
This has lead me to create my theory of passport photography, photograph quality depends on usage.
My provisional drivers license, my only official ID had an awful, discoloured photograph of my with DVLA written over my mouth to make me look like I have metal teeth. I have to use this card all the time. Whether as my public records card, which I will probably only ever use once again, best bloody ID photo ever taken.
Coming soon... Adventures in a budget Shepherds Bush Hotel.
It was a harrowing affair. I handed in 40,000 words to an office and suddenly it was all over. My right to sit and my arse and do fuck all - gone. my ability to get a pound off shades night club in falmouth - my ability to get a pound of the falmouth arts cinema - remains as long as they continue not to check the card properly, my 10% HMV discount - fraudulantly still active.
So I had a weeks holiday to recouperate. It's hard work not working very hard.
Here is a list of things I tried to do but failed to.
London Dungeon - half term = massive queues, the book in advance fast track queue was longer than the normal queue
Cartoon Museum - couldn't find it, then it was too late to go.
Comedy Store - sold out
Photo exhibition - not running in the evening
London Film Festival - all events on that night were shite
I also went to the public hall of records to find some trial records for a radio play I hope to write.
The file I wanted, described as being 'essential to study', was of course being used. So I went back on Monday, still in use.
This has lead me to create my theory of passport photography, photograph quality depends on usage.
My provisional drivers license, my only official ID had an awful, discoloured photograph of my with DVLA written over my mouth to make me look like I have metal teeth. I have to use this card all the time. Whether as my public records card, which I will probably only ever use once again, best bloody ID photo ever taken.
Coming soon... Adventures in a budget Shepherds Bush Hotel.
About Me
- Dave Paul Nixon
is a writer for better and for worse. I got in above my station writing for M&S, but was credit crunched down to writing about sex toys, Viagra and herpes meds. I’m now taking a step back towards legitimacy by writing for JML Direct. I’m awkward and don’t like much.
