The Curse of Me

Luck has never really been kind. Fate pisses upon my personal bonfire on an almost daily basis.

Besides my Telly/Video braking the day before my birthday, I was recently faced with a new scenario which would make me shake my head and cry 'typical'.

I have developed financial security due to not very pleasant circumstances. What I don't really have to worry about, or have crave right about now, is money.

So what do I find lying in the road, whilst on my way to the train station. What do I see tightly wrapped together?

50 quid, two 20's and a 10 pound note.

You know how much I would've killed to have found that kind of money two months ago when I couldn't even get any of the crappiest McJobs in the area? How much I would've loved to have 50 pounds to buy all those new albums that I've been desperatly wanting but could no longer afford. And now when I just don't need it.

I spent ten pounds buying lunch, paying for my train ticket, and buying a bit of food. I donated the remaining £40 to the British Heart Foundation because they mays as well benefit from my totally innappropriate luck!

I Made Up A New Game

Yes that's write, I have invented an exciting new word game.

It's called 'The New Single by the Cheeky Girls Game'. You have to come up with the next single for that ingenious and sophisticated girl duo, the Cheeky Girls, by inserting the word cheeky into a popular title, scoring extra points afterward if you can get the word 'bum' in there as well.

To illustrate here are a few examples.

There is a bum and it never goes cheeky
The Cheeky drugs don't work
Hit me baby, one more cheeky time
Bum Action (I believe in cheeky)
If you tolerate this, your cheeky bum will be next
Hit me with your cheeky stick
The more you ignore me, the cheekier I get
Cheeking my religeon
My cheek bum don't lie
What's cheeky bum got to do with it
My cheeky bum will go on
Sorted for bums and cheeky
It's a cheeky sin
I would do anything for you cheeky bum (but I won't let you stick your finger up mine)

Why not have a go for yourself

Nixon in Da House

I received the first monetary inheritance from my late fathers estate this week. The only circumstances in which a large cash bonus would not have leaping around the room with delirious, moist-mouthed excitement.

Sadly this substantial cheque has been made out to D J Nixon.

Not D P Nixon

And as I not the sort of person to pump out bangin choons to warm people up for the impending weekend, I will be sending this cheque back.

Quote of the Day:

"Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy." - Spike Milligan

Fact Twelve

Factosis level: Medium

The American mafia began in response to the actions of a group of men known as 'The Black Hand'. The Black Hand would attack and vandalise any business that were becoming too prosperous. They would send mail which would be signed with a black hand stamped at the bottom, in the years before fingerprinting.

Hence the term 'blackmail'.

Okay it's pretty short but very interesting I think.

What! you think I just sit around all day pissing around on wikipedia just to find out useless pieces information to fill the empty void that is my soul.

It's two hours a day max.

What the f**k do you want from me.

Important Historical Documents Discovered!

Whilst sorting through the piles of papers present at my father's house, a number of important, and valuable, historical documents were discovered. Their contents have been reproduced here for you interest.

Year 4
Language: David has sown in improvement in this area and is gaining confidence. He reads in a fluent style, his comprehension skills have shown improvement. Handwriting haphazard but he is making efforts to improve. Gaining confidence within a group situation

Mathematics: During this year David has gained confidence in this area and this has resulted in a a surge of interest

Science: David has shown enthusiasm for the science based topics we have pursued during the year.

D.T.: Has interesting plans and designs but finds some difficulty in executing them.

History: Enjoys historical topics.

Geography: He is interested in the worlds and its problems.

Art: David has made great progress, he has the confidence to try out new mediums.

Music: David shows interest and always tries hard. A helpful boy.

Physical Education: David hs worked quietly and well. He has gained in his confidencee and made good progress.

Religous Education: He is sympathetic towards other peoples problems.

Class Teachers Comments: David has become more involved with class activities during the year, taking responsibilities upon himself, when he sees the need.

Head Teachers Comments: It has been good to see David become less detached from the class. I want to see this continue. Good boy.

Woe, Woe and Thrice Woe

We had the funeral on Friday. Possibibly the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'd been trying so hard to get through all this that I hadn't really had to face until them. So instead of the funeral making me feel better I actually feel worse now.

Got pretty drunk that evening. Sang 'People Are Strange' by the Doors at karaoke because that's easy to sing when your throat is buggered. I don't think I sang it very well but because I was so pissed I wasn't nearly as nervous as I usually am so it came of ok.

The whole evening ended with my and the two Chris's eating Tesco Ice Cream on the park. Felt like crap in the morning, only the second time in history I've had a headache with my hangover. Not even an English breakfast could cure it.

The trip back was thankfully smooth (for once - an hour and a half late on my journey up). But I had hoped that things would get back to normal once I got back to Falmouth but I don't really feel any better. Because things won't ever be the same again.

Stephen Nixon 1951 - 2006

My father died last week, which as you can imagine came as a bit of a blow. It was a heartattack that took him in the end. He'd been unwell since he was diagnosed with high blood pressure in October but more so when he suffered a stroke over Christmas. Though he was recovering, the inactivity of not being at work made his recovery slow.

I somehow knew I'd be getting the call sometime in the not to far distant future and I knew the second I got a phone call from my brother (he never phones me) that it had happened.

The funeral will take place this Friday. It's all been arranged by a local Undertaker who I'm not sure I can forgive for discussing the arrangements at my mums house whilst wearing Bart Simpson socks and having a mobile that shouts 'Hello Moto' when it rings. Nice fella though. It's just going to be a simple affair unless of course someone has invented the concept of 'Pimp My Funeral' and enters us, but I somehow doubt that.

Fact Eleven

It is generally know that John Cleese's character of Basil Fawlty was based on an actual hotelier in Torquay.

The man in question was John Sinclair who amongst many things, once throw a bus timetable at a guest who asked when the next bus was, through Eric Idle's suitcase behind a wall in the garden because it was ticking (Idle had an alarm clock in it) and criticised Terry Gilliam's eating habits for being too American because he was holding a fork in the wrong hand. He also employed, and abused, cheap foreign labour.

It was rumoured that Sinclair had emigrated to Canada to escape being hounded by fans and the press but died in Torquay in 1981, by coincidence Basil Fawlty spoke fondly of emigrating to Torquay should ever escape his wife Sybil. Sinclair supposedly died a bitter man.

Relatives of Mr Sinclair have criticised the his portrayal in the programme but many of those who worked for him have sited many incidents as ludicrous, if not more so, than those shown in the programme. His two daughters who have both said the Cleese's portrayal was accurate, the eldest daughter moved to the United States to escape her parents, who pulled her out of School at the age of twelve to work full time at the hotel.

In other news: Shock - I received a letter, posted to my old address a week after changing with them mind, from the bank saying my, left at the cashpoint, ten pounds had been found and returned to my account.

Less encouraging is the continuing absense of a DrWho boxset from doorway. I have started the complaints procedure against the seller. Apparently I'm covered upto £120 but this may include a £15 charge...

Initial Stealing Bastards!

Those of you who have known me for a while will know of my master scheme to construct a parcel company, 'Direct Parcel Network', after my own initials DPN.

A company so good I literally put my initials on it.

But only now do I discover some other bloody company has stolen my initials and taken them as their own.

Damn you Digital Peninsula Network!!!

I shall bring them down from the inside by applying for a job as marketing officer there!


The phobia of the day is Paraskavedekatriaphobia - fear of Friday the 13th

First-Greatwestern Admit Fiction Train Concerns

Dear Mr Nixon

Thank you very much for your correspondence concerning your journey between Penryn Cornwall and Stoke-on-Trent on 10 June 2006-07-10

I’m really sorry that the length of your train journey was longer than you expected it to be. Our colleagues at Network Rail have a programme of engineering work in place at the weekend and as a result train timings are generally longer than those in the week. For this reason, and because late notice changes are often needed, we strongly advise customers to check journey times with www.virgin.com/trains or with national rail enquiries, before they travel*.

At times of engineering work we are unable to offer discounted tickets and make seat reservations** until Network rails confirm the re-timings of the amended services. Re-timings may not be completed until the day before travel.

Customers who purchase tickets in advance are then sold the normal standard fare, which is what happened in your case.

In view of your experience I would like you to accept the enclosed travel vouchers*** for £19.00****, which you can use over the next twelve months.

We do appreciate your feedback on our level of service and for taking the time to writing to us

Yours sincerely

CENSORED *****

Customer Relations

*Assumes I have the internet or that the person at National Rail will have a half reasonable grasp of English and dammit if they move or cancel a train why don't they contact me!

**Some people did have reservations. Why not print tickets closer to the day when reservations are available, though this is difficult if your train doesn't exist.

***There's just the one voucher

****How did they arrive at the figure of £19, via the Virgin Trains conpensation calculating dart-board perhaps?

*****Double-barrelled - not to be trusted

Saw Divine Comedy at Somerset House on Thursday, they were wicked as per usual.

Quote of the Day: "Years ago, I saved up a million dollars from acting—a lot of money then—and I spent it all on a horse farm in Tucson. Now when I go down there, I look at the place and I realize my whole acting career adds up to a million dollars worth of horseshit.” - Robert Mitchum

Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

Me unlucky? Or misfortunate? Or just plain stupid?

I don't like to think of myself as a mixture of the three but the facts are there.

Bad/irritating/bloody stupid things that have 'appened to me this last week.

1: Withdrew £10 from a cash machine and walked off without out actually taking the £10 note. Second time this year. I then went to the bank to report it, because there's a chance that it wasn't taken, but the woman on the desk didn't know how to file this report and didn't even know such a report existed. She sent me to the bank with the cashpoint in question to ask if they could check, which I knew was the the wrong thing to do and I was right and came straight back again. The real problem is that no one else in the bank knew how to fill out this report and at one point this woman claimed I hadn't taken any money out of that cashpoint at all until I pointed out to her that she was looking at my records on the wrong day.

I don't think I'm going to get this back.

2: I've just moved (you'll gonna hear more about that) and I've been sending my mail to 26 Vernon Place. Unfortunatly I've moved into number 29. I could've just gone to their house and asked them to pass on any mail. Only that no26 doesn't exist.

I had won the new Doctor Who Series 1 boxset off ebay. Having paid by cheque I had a good chance off stopping it from going to this address. Thankfully I had actually had it sent to the right address. Unfortunatly the seller has just been suspended from ebay for not sending people the things they've bought.

I don't think I'm going to get that boxset. Still though did you see Dr Who last week? Daleks vs the Cybermen! It's like a big fans wet dream*

3: The curse of I-pod struck again and DavepodV fell into a critical condition. Having calmed down I decided to wait till I was in London this week, so I could confront the apple staff with this continueing failure. So I get an appointment, approach the counter, get out the I-pod and what happends? The fucking things suddenly works that's what fucking happens.

But I put on my best (a frequently worn) misery face and bitched a bit and what did I get?

DavepodTNG (the next generation) a black, 60gb, video I-pod. Will it be more reliable, (shouldn't think so), will I just knacker it after two months and never cross over the 4,000 song mark (probably) I've got another years warranty to fuck about with it and know did I will get fucked some more on the way.

* I did not have a wet dream about Dr Who

nor have I ever done so.

Fact Ten

Factosis Level: High - Additional warning: this post contains a particularly poor and smutty joke

Whilst he was in prison, the US Government struck a deal with renowned mafia boss 'Lucky' Luciano (the man who had formed the National Crime Syndicate) to use his mafia connection to assist in the WW2 war effort.

Luciano provided Mafia assistance to counter possible Axis infiltration on U.S. waterfronts, and his connections in Italy and Sicily were used to obtain intelligence and ensure an easy passage for U.S. forces as they moved up through the Italian peninsula. Both during and after the war, the U.S. military and intelligence agencies reputedly also used Luciano's Mafia connections to root out communist infiltrators in Government departments.

It is rumoured that in return for his services, Luciano continued to run his crime syndicate in prison without interference. He was later parolled for his help but forced to return to Italy.

*** I got 64 & 65% for my assessments which has goes down very nicely indeed thankyou very much.

Website of the Day: http://www.marryyourpet.com/ for those of who you want to cement the bonds of a life long relationship. Or alternatively, if your bitch has run off with another pussy you can divorce them as well.

I HAVE LINKS!!!

I figured how to add links at last.

Hurrah !!!!!!


Me and Ron are going out to celebrate.

Oh Dear

I get my results back tomorrow. Having handed in 31,000 words, I'm rather hoping that some of them may produce positive results?

While I resist the urge to wet myself, I thought I'd draw your attention (if there is anybody there...hello?) to some fabulous articles what I wrote.

Writing For E-Commerce - Does exactly what it says on the metaphorical tin

Mark Le Fanu - He's an important person. General Secretary of the Society of Authors no less

And there's also Please Don't Eat Me a poetic sage of cannabalistic parents attempting to devour their children.

I shall try and adds these to my website www.davepaulnixon.co.uk without ruining the whole thing.

Have I mentioned www.davepaulnixon.co.uk? Yes I think I must of, how could anyone possibly forget www.davepaulnixon.co.uk

Quote of the Day: "Don't pay any attention to the critics. Don't even ignore them" Samuel Goldwyn.

Or it could've been: "Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day."

Or: "Why did you name him Sam? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam!"

Bless you Goldwyn, an anecdotists dream...

My Complaints

I've sent this letter to Virgin Trains today. Let's see if they respond and what they've got to say for themselves.

Dear Sir/Madam

To say I was dissatisfied with the service provided, prior to and during my, return journey from Penryn Cornwall to Stone-on-Trent on 10/06/06, and back on the 16/06/06, would be an understatement.

I continually checked your website for discounted tickets for the five weeks prior to taking my journey. On none of these occasions were there any discounted ticket for the 10/06 or on 09/06 or the 08/06. I was therefore forced to purchase the Std Saver for £73.50. That’s almost £20 more than I’ve paid in the past. I was then upset to find this ticket did not even feature a seat reservation. I called up the customer helpline to see if something could be done about this; the last thing I would want on a 7 hour journey is to stand. The advice I was given by the operator was to turn up early to get on the train first. How very helpful. I tried to complain at this point via your website only for my e-mail complaint to be rejected and returned twice.

I followed the train instructions on the ticket arriving in Truro at 11:30 with a forty minute wait until my train to Birmingham at 12:14. Fortunately I checked the departures list before leaving the station. The 12:14 train did not exist. I was able to run over the platform and get a train to Plymouth and change there for Birmingham. Neither of these trains were more than half full so why were there no discount tickets?

Thankfully the journey was smooth from then on. This could not be said of the journey back. Where the 10:49 from Wolverhampton was over an hour late. With no seat reservation I ended up switching seats three times in a carriage with no air conditioning.

I think you would agree that I have not a reasonable level of good service and would expect to compensated for the considerable inconvenience I have suffered.


Yours faithfully

David Paul Nixon.

Quote of the Day: "When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, But what's my motivation?, I say, 'Your salary.' ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Stoke Glorious Stoke

I’ve been holidaying this week in sunny Stoke-on-Trent, the countries leading county for derelict buildings, call centres and smoke damage.

Two of my friends got married. They also have a kid and house. I myself have debts, a room in a house with a landlord who I would happily pour petrol on if he was on fire, and an uncertain and tough career future.

My life is f****d

In the meantime it’s time to celebrate the launch http://www.davepaulnixon.co.uk/.

Yes that’s right http://www.davepaulnixon.co.uk/ where you can learn all you could possibly need to know about me as a writer.

The site address again? http://www.davepaulnixon.co.uk/ and admire the wonderful wood finish I’ve used as a background.

All this and more at www.davepaulnixon.co.uk

The phobia of the day is Phagophobia, the fear of being eaten.

Please Take a Moment to Read This Urgent Appeal

"I too didn't used to take that dreaded affliction of Factosis too seriously. It seemed like a ridiculous thing that someone had probably made up to flog some books and newspaper articles. But then it struck the very heart of my own personal life.

My father, whilst surfing the internet, suddenly discovered the fascinating fact that the only member of ZZ-top who didn't have a beard was called Frank Beard.

This sent him into a dangerous spasm. Levels of interest in the brain are sustained by tiny endorphins called Trivians. This nugget of information was so tantalisingly interesting that trivians gathered so quickly around the knowledge centres of his brain, that he fell to the floor and scrambled around like a badger in a cement mixer. And this was a man used to all kind of interesting bits of information, he was an accountant after all.

This could've been avoided. If he had known about the dangers of Factosis then he would still be making sense today. A small donation of £72 .61 a week would pay for someone to have a full frontal lobotomy and stop these tragedies from occuring."

Stay in doors and don't learn anything. And stop to think about the dangers of Factosis"

- that bloke out of steps, not H.

For further information please e-mail philogley@yahoo.co.uk

Fact Nine

Factosis Level: Medium

Martha Mitchell, the wife of US Attorney General John Mitchell, claimed illegal activities were taking place in the White House during the Nixon administration. She was subsequently diagnosed as having delusions as a result of mental illness.

Of course once the Watergate Scandol broke, she was revealed to have been totally correct and totally sane.

This lead to the creation of The Martha Mitchell Effect, where a psychologist accidently believes a patient to be delusional because there claims are unbelievable or held with excessive conviction.

Quote of the Day: "My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden" - Eric Morecambe

Taxing

As usual, I cannot do anything right.

When I finished my job as an Oxfam bookstore manager (yes, someone actually gave me a position of responsibility) last September I had been taxed in full.

Sensibly then, come April, I decided to apply for a refund.

I could not find one amongst the 20 odd phone lines that applied to me. But I phoned one, and they were able to put me through to the right person who was then able to send me a form.

I returned the form.

Unfortunately there’s no box on the form to say ‘full time student’, so without any box to tick, I ticked the one which said ‘self employed’ on the basis that this would maybe be the case in the future. I then put my earnings as zero.

I then, with relish waited a whole month, then on my doorstep a beautiful brown Inland Revenue envelope. I opened with considerable admiration, 500 quid would once again be mine. What did I get?

A full length tax return to be returned at the end of the year.

Happy? Was I f**K

I phoned up the Revenue, and the third person I spoke to was able to help me. Unfortunately my records had been transferred down to Cornwall, they will have to be retransported back to Cardiff, before I can have my refund processed.

It would probably have been quicker had I sat down and put a cross or a zero in every bloody box.

Sigh

The delusion of the day is Unilateral neglectwhere one denies ownership of a limb or an entire side of ones body

Fact Two Revisited

Factosis level: Medium

The 2001 Paedophile episode of Brass Eye received 2000 complaints and 3000 calls of support after it was first aired.

MP Beverley Hughes described it as ‘unspeakably sick’ but had to admit she hadn’t seen it and neither had Tessa Jowell who advised the ITC to take measures to assure that such a programme could be prevented from broadcast.

In the aftermath of the show, The Daily Star wrote a damning article about Morris next to a piece about the then 15-year-old singer Charlotte Church's breasts under the headline "She's a big girl now", and The Daily Mail featured pictures of Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, who were 13 and 11 at the time, in their bikinis next to an anti Brass Eye article entitled, "Unspeakably Sick."

The Quote of the Day is from Neil Innes of the Bonzo Dog Band, who performing playing at a charity concert stated that “I’ve suffered for my art, now it’s your turn.”