Scenes From Stoke: The Scaffolding Monument

Yes, it's Stoke's legendary scaffolding monument. Created to beautify the glorious bypass that allows people to pass through Stoke even quicker, it was created to symbolise Stoke on Trent's industial past. Either that, or they just had a bunch of old metal left over after they built a bridge nearby*.

It's certainly well placed, sitting as it does next to a demolished factory, a Co-Op depot and a closed down Little Chef. And it's very admired by the people of Stoke. They glance it several times a day as they pass by on the A50 at 50 miles an hour. What a wonderful, inspiring way to spend public money....


*My money's on that one.

May Film Highlights

Don't forget to visit the 50 Word Film Reviews Blog

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2009) Noomi Rapace, Michael Nyqvist, Sven-Bertil Taube. Dir: Niels Arden Oplev.

A disgraced investigative journalist is hired to solve a decades old disappearance, but finds help from a troubled young researcher. Moody, stylish and totally engrossing. The absorbing atmosphere and fascinating characters turn out to be more absorbing than a very interesting mystery. The best and darkest thriller for some years.

DDDDD

Stardust (2007) Charlie Cox, Claire Danes, Michelle Pfieffer, Robert De Niro. Dir: Matthew Vaughn.

A boy tries to fetch a fallen star to impress his love, but enters a fantasy world where sinister others seek it too. A colourful fantasy romp with an all star cast who for the most part don’t overdo it. Not especially original, but a lot of fun nevetheless.

DDDD

An Education (2009) Carey Mulligan, Peter Skarsgard, Alfred Molina, Olivia Williams, Rosamund Pike. Dir: Lone Scherfig

A potential Oxford student discovers there’s more to life than study when she meets an older sophisticate. Charming coming of age tale, where the only way to learn’s the hard way. It’s beautifully written and wonderfully performed by Mulligan, Skasguard and the rest on the ensemble. A sweet melancholy delight.

DDDDDd


King of Comedy (1983) Robert De Niro, Jerry Lewis, Sandra Bernhard, Diahnne Abbott. Dir: Martin Scorsese.

An obsessive wannabee comic tries to befriend a chat show host to launch his career, but when that fails, kidnaps him. De Niro is at his best when playing the unbalanced, and he’s especially good beside a marvellously restrained Lewis. A wickedly funny look at the unjust nature of fame.

DDDDD

Corridors of Blood (1958) Boris Karloff, Christopher Lee, Betta St. John, Finlay Currie, Francis Matthews. Dir: Robert Day

A Victorian Doctor trying to create a full anaesthetic becomes addicted to his experiments. A refreshingly different horror/thriller variation. Great later role for Karloff who puts in a sensitive performance as a good man who inadvertently becomes an addict and allows himself to be exploited by evil men.

DDDD

Watching The Divine Comedy

I saw the Divine Comedy the other week. You can read my review here...

Crazy Train Lady Part 3

So who was the mystery woman? What did I know about her? Well, lots, but little of it verifiable. There was one thing I could track down and that was the Sloane Ranger Handbook. A quick journey to Amazon gave me the names of two authors: Peter York and Ann Barr. I can be fairly sure it’s not Peter York, not unless her life was even more fascinating than she made it out to be.

I quickly Googled the name, and clicked on this article, where alas, I could see from the picture that this was not the woman who I had encountered. She was a bit younger and thinner and a glasses wearer. However, reading on I found that the book had been written with the help of three others, significantly Vicki Woods and Sue Carpenter.

Sue Carpenter now appears to live in Los Angeles, which seems to rule her out; despite the story I was told about how my train companion had once had tea with the heir to the Campbell Soup Empire, and how she had two private planes, one to transport the family, one for the pets.

Now interestingly enough, Vicki Woods seems to be based in England, and appears to write for the Daily Telegraph. I saw this article, and immediately got excited. It talked about how the writer worked for the magazine where the whole Sloane Ranger phenomenon started. It talks about Scotland, where my companion’s family lived. But then as I read on, I realised that the writer had not actually been to Scotland until the 90s, just her husband that knew the place well. Here’s a short bio here; this time too young... The stories just don’t match up.

Where to now? Reading the first article about Ann Barr further, I found another name, a sub-editor called Martina Margetts who actually coined the name in the first place. Could this be the woman? This lady is a lecturer at the Royal College of Arts, Senior Tutor in Critical & Historical Studies. There’s a bit about her here. Some international background, books published, but no picture, and no evidence to suggest she was the person involved in the whole Sloane thing. And no picture, alas.

With nowhere else to go, I went to the The Good Schools Guide website, and unsurprisingly, found rather a large list of contributors, none of which matched the name’s I had come across already. Although frustratingly there was a Sue Wood. Could I have sat next to a complete loony? A habitual liar?

Well one tiny thing makes me think that it wasn’t all complete balls. Remember her encounters with the Warner Brothers? That her father went on to be director of Playtex. Read the latter half of this page, there is a connection between the two. Rough – but could this be the nugget of info that proves that it wasn’t all made up? I cannot know for sure.

If you’ve got any further ideas or avenues for investigation, then by all means, let me know...

Crazy Train Lady Part 2

So having made some pretty scurrilous claims about the past two Labour leaders, we somehow got onto her trips abroad. She regaled with tales about her time at the foot of the Himalayas: “Have you ever played croquet?”, I had not. Well, apparently it’s really different on elephant back.

More risky of course if you fall off. She enjoyed it the first year, but the second year war had broken out without the rebels, so the people at the elephant croquet place couldn’t use any firearms. This meant scarring off wild elephants was very difficult, and one particular rogue kept coming into the enclosure and having his way with the females. It was hard to scare him off and he kept coming back. However, one time he came by during the day, and saw the elephants mid-croquet game. He his expressed his disgust with a mighty roar, and was never seen again.

Then we moved onto her time helping to run an African game reserve with the local tribe’s people. The nominated chief of the tribe had left many years previously and become an engineer. But he was tempted back and later went onto to enjoy 13 wives. This of course is the problem, too many of the tribe’s young people are being sent a way to get an education. They make most of their money from letting very rich people hunt there. The one thing they hated was gap year students; too much work to take care for, they didn’t really care about the land, they wouldn’t work very hard, and they just got stoned all the time. This apparently put her at odds with many charities.

I managed to get a few words in and mentioned my recent trip to India, and the conversation gradually moved towards the natural stomach problems I experienced. Apparently banana’s and Coke-A-Cola is best for diarrhoea , she was told that by the personal doctor to one of the more rebellious leader’s in Africa, who was also Glenn Close’s father.

Finally we went back to her childhood growing up in Scotland. Her father ran a few a whisky factories which boomed after prohibition ended, shipping most of their wares to America, but this boom didn’t last forever. He was partnered with a man who had strong ties to the mafia, and who also employed one of President Kennedy’s bodyguards. He frequently spoke ill of JFK, which came as a shock because he had near saint like status. Her father would eventually go on to be director of Playtex.

One of the fond memories she does have of her childhood is that of the Warner Brothers coming around for tea. The two of them would sit in front of the telly, timing the adverts. Commercial television has only just been introduced and they wanted to know how long the adverts really were.

It was at this point that the train stopped for a while and the seat opposite became free. She bought a copy of the Mail and decided to put her feet up there. This was after 3 and a half hours of solid talking. I always take long books with me when I go on long journeys, so I can really get stuck in. I think I got less than 15 pages read before the journey ended.

We eventually arrived at Edinburgh. We spoke a little while we collected our luggage, but as soon as the train was stopped, she charged off, past the shop and down the aisle past the toilet and out of sight. I went on in pursuit, hoping to catch up with her, but alas, she was gone.

I never did get her name. Who was she? I’ve already had one comment with a suggestion, but it’s unfortunately, not that easy...

TO BE CONTINUED

Crazy Train Lady

I went up to Scotland the other week. I enjoyed it, I’ve never been up there, it was a nice treat.

The trip itself didn’t get off to a great start though. I had packed, only had to toss in my tooth brush, a towel and then I was ready to go. I set the alarm on my phone for 8:20, plenty of time to get down to the station before 9:30 to get my train. Unfortunately, I left my phone in the living room and only realised this in the morning, when in a state of panic I turned on the TV to discover that it was now 9:40.

I was out of the house in 7 minutes, down on the platform at East Croydon in under 20 minutes and arrived at Kings Cross only 7 minutes late for the train. I was honest with the man on the ticket counter and he validated my ticket for the train half an hour later. I managed to find an unbooked seat – my journey could now continue.

However, what I didn’t realise was that I was about to sit next to the craziest woman I’ve ever met - and in this case, enjoyed meeting. She may have talked non-stop for 3 and a half hours, but I think it was worth listening too. Certainly more interesting than any work of fiction I could’ve indulged in.

It started off quite innocuously as she told me about how she was going up to see her elderly mother who’d been having a rough time recently. She’s not been well recently, but she’s 82 so she’s still a fighter. Her mother had a fall and was ill and the doctors said her hip was fine, but she insisted on an x-ray for her, and it turned out she had. Then there was a mercenary man going around to all the injured old lady, offering them a stair lift, ready for them as soon as they got home if they signed here. She swore at the salesman, even though the doctor recommended one; she’d go down on the stairs on her bum, as she had for ten years already.

Mundane so far. But we would gradually go to more crazy places. She was a writer, she’d written for the Times, Guardian, Independent and so on. Her claim to fame is as one of the creators of a famous book from the 70s called ‘How to be a Sloane Ranger’, which although humorous, many people took to be quite serious. There were two follow-ups, but they delivered diminishing results.

She is also still an editor on the Good Schools guide and told a good anecdote about a school ranked excellent. It was a modest school, with modest resources, and it seemed like it couldn’t keep a head teacher for more than a year. This was because the school hired disgraced, highly regarded teachers, who had been dismissed from former jobs for misbehaving – sleeping with staff, even pupils. So it got the best candidates, at a reduced cost, who needed the work to bounce back.

It was at this point that the crazy claims started to seep in. “You do know that Tony Blair’s gay? Oh, yes, he had this thing going with this press officer”. Then on to Gordon Brown “Did you know that he signed the gun license for the man who went on to commit the Dunblaine massacre?”*

We would then go on to considerably stranger places including playing croquet on elephant back at the foot of the Himalayas, diarrhoea advice from Glenn’s Close’s father, game reserve management in Africa, selling bootleg whisky with the help of President Kennedy’s former bodyguard, and visits from the Warner Brothers to her Scottish childhood home.

TO BE CONTINUED....

* I haven’t found any evidence of his, well, not on Wikipedia anyway.

The 50 Word Film Reviews Blog

Yes, the 50 word film reviews now have their own blog. You can find it here. It’s part of the Orble blog network; at the moment I’m republishing a lot of the old ones to keep it updated every day in the hope of slowly creating a readership. But I will be sticking the latest ones up there too and will be posting the highlights here monthly as well.

Feel free to click on a link while you’re there, I get a huge 50% of all ad revenue I’m going to earn my first penny any day now, I just know it!

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed (1969) Peter Cushing, Freddie Jones, Simon Ward, Veronica Carlson. Dir: Terence Fisher.

Frankenstein blackmails a couple into helping him free a mad colleague. The saga has moved on: the doctor is the monster, and his creation is all too human. A strong plot, with a killer finale, makes up for a lack of scares, though the rape scene is completely out of place.

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Ponyo (2009) Cate Blanchett, Noah Cyrus, Matt Damon, Frankie Jonas, Tina Fey, Liam Neeson. Dir: Hayao Miyazaki

A young fish-girl befriends a young boy and decides that she wants to become human. Another typically dazzling Miyazaki creation, with stunning visuals and a story that is both exciting and touching. The adults are dull as usual and Neeson is miscast – but otherwise the film is irresistible.

DDDDd

Jindabyne (2007) Gabriel Byrne, Laura Linney, Deborra-Lee Furness, John Howard. Dir: Ray Lawrence

Four men discover a body in the outback but don’t report their discovery until after their trip. A hard to fathom film; it’s a crowded human drama of pain and expected and unexpected consequences, but one which also hints at ghostly, supernatural goings on. Interesting, but not entirely satisfying.

DDDd

The Return of Captain Invincible (1983) Alan Arkin, Christopher Lee, Kate Fitzpatrick, Michael Pate. Dir: Philippe Mora

A washed-up alcoholic superhero is called back into service. The cynical superhero film 20 years before it became popular. Uneven in style and tone, with musical numbers that always come as a surprise. But very likeable, with enough material for about 3 films. Worth watching to see Christopher Lee singing.

DDDd

Double Take (2010) Alfred Hitcock, Mark Perry, Ron Burrage. Dir: Johan Grimonprez

A thought provoking clips collage featuring Hitchcock meeting himself from the future, US relations with Russia in the 60s and a real Hitchcock impersonator. The theme seems to be how two things of the same cannot exist side by side, one must invariably destroy the other. An interesting curiosity.

DDDD

The Perfect Business Partnership...

It's good to see the Savoy brand growing, although strangely the Lettings store doesn't seem to be open that often. Plenty of hot air going through both I imagine.

I saw Archie Bronson Outfit live

I saw Archie Bronson Outfit a week or so ago. Here's the review...

Major delays cause time to stop at Waterloo

I saw Tindersticks live

I saw Tindersticks last week. You can read my review here....

March Films

The Informant (2009) Matt Damon, Scott Bakula, Joel McHale, Melanie Lynskey. Dir: Steven Soderburgh

A young executive turns informant by mistake but has plenty to hide himself. What first appears to be a comedy of incompetence soon turns into something darker and more startling. Damon carries the film as the bewildering lead it what is a modest but intriguing black comedy.

DDDD

First Man into Space (1959) Marshall Thompson, Marla Landi, Bill Edward, Robert Ayres. Dir: Robert Day.

The first man into space crashes down to earth, turned into a monster by meteor dust. Old school Saturday morning film. Although the standard monster on a rampage story, the film benefits from some stylish shooting and genuine attempt to present space travel seriously. Generally good fun.

DDD

Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince (2009) Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Michael Gambon. Dir: David Yates

Dumbledore tries to prepare Harry for the battle that is to come. A step backward from the Order of the Phoenix, there’s too much information to digest and not enough excitement. The teen dramatics are a little bit tiresome too. The realisation remains handsome.

DDD

The Tingler (1959) Vincent Price, Judith Evelyn, Darryl Hickman, Patricia Cutts. Dir: William Castle.

A scientist speculates about a creature in the body that causes fear and tries to extract it. Totally daft proposition that’s handled with surprising skill and wit, although without the in theatre gimmicks, the finale does not stand up. All around good fun nevertheless.

DDDd

The Damned United (2009) Michael Sheen, Timothy Spall, Jim Broadbent, Col Meaney. Dir: Tom Hooper

Brian Clough’s disastrously short lived tenure as the manager of Leeds United. A fun retelling of events, with Sheen displaying his usually impeccable impersonation skills. But it’s a little lightweight, we only scratch the surface of the characters, and we never feel the pressures they’re under.

DDDD

The Hurt Locker (2009) Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty. Dir: Kathryn Bigelow

A US bomb disposal squad in Iraq is joined by a new member. Expertly tense and gritty thriller that throws light on a terrifying job and the kind of people who do that job. But little bits of ‘Hollywood’ slip in, and it undermines some of its realism.

DDDDd

Key Largo (1948) Humphrey Bogart, Edward G. Robinson, Lauren Bacall, Lionel Barrymore, Claire Trevor. Dir: John Huston.

An ex-soldier visits a family of a dead comrade but they’re taken hostage in a hotel by gangsters. Hampered by cardboard characters, Bogart seems to sleep walk thought it, the pace picks up and this becomes a tense and sometimes quite nasty crime thriller.

DDDD

The Road (2010) Viggo Mortensen, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Michael K. Williams, Robert Duvall. Dir: John Hillcoat

In a post-apocalyptic world, a man and his son travel across a brutal landscape. It’s hard to fault the acting, the direction and the gravitas of the writing, but it’s so bleak. Only the finale contains the smallest crumbs of hope. Not one destined for repeated viewing. Contains cannibalism.

DDDDd

The Ordeal

So yes I went to India. Big place, quite hot. I was staying at the bosses flat along with him and 3 other guys, 2 Kiwis and 1 South African, which is why it was a relief to find that Gujarat was a dry state, I don’t imagine I could’ve kept up.



Things got off to a spectacular start when I lost my debit card. You see, cash machines in India aren’t like cash machines in England, where after selecting your amount, you get your card dispensed back to you followed by your money. In India, you get your cash then your card, well I assume so, I just took my cash and left.

I didn’t suffer from jet lag too badly at first, but as the week went on, my health took a few hits. Office hours were from 11 to 8 over there, so that the office was open while the UK was open. And because I had to check up on my UK team every day, I was constantly watching the time and most of the clocks at the office were set to UK time. Lunch wasn’t till 3, and because the boss doesn’t get to India that often, working hours were frequently extended due to meetings and such like. We wouldn’t get dinner till about 10pm. Most of the time, I really had no idea what time of day it actually was.



Then of course once back at the flat, we just sat about till the early hours, and there was at least one heavy drinks session in the evening. And I’m not so good at sleeping in new beds anyway. Gradually, each day I got more tired and exhausted. The air-con did and didn’t help; it was good for keeping the temperature down, but it left you with a nasty dry throat in the morning.

I got properly hammered at the end of the first week. And despite the booze, still struggled to sleep, but things got worse. The drinking weakened my immune system, leaving me totally unprepared for a long journey across India for a cricket match. The country air hit my nostrils, and left them dripping for most of the day. We were supposed to be in an executive box; in reality this was a concrete room with windows, plastic lawn chairs and an air condition barely fixed to the wall. And as for the toilet – it’s a good job I didn’t have the runs or else I’d have been screwed. If I’d have dared place my behind on one of those seats, something would’ve probably sprung from the black water within and bitten my balls off, it did look like new forms of life could evolve down there. Did I mention that I don't even like cricket. There was a machine gun point at the crowds as they came in, what a welcome!



Fortunately for the second week we were moved from Baroda to Surat, where we stayed in a decent hotel and I got a room to myself. Finally some peace, it didn’t feel like I was on duty in front of the boss for once. Unfortunately it was then that I experienced the obligatory Westerner visiting India stomach problems. Frequent diarrhoea (I didn’t urinate for over 2 days) and unpleasant stomach cramps. These managed to carry me through to the end of the trip.

So overall it was quite an ordeal. To aid my stomach's recovery I made sure that I reaquinted it with an English breakfast, KFC, sausage and cheese mash, roast dinner and cheese sandwichs as soon as possible when I got back. It was hard work, but very necessary.

No Respect....

I've been to India

Yes, the title isn’t lying, I’ve been to India. Look here’s me standing on a roof,that would be very easy to fall off if I tripped.



They aren’t much for health and safety over in India; for the first time visitor the first thing that will instantly frighten is the roads. There are no rules on the roads, except that you drive on the left hand side, and not even that is always strictly adhered to. Everyone is pushing in front of everyone else, and everyone is honking their horn to say ‘get out of my way’. No matter where you are, just listen closely, block out the sounds around you, and you can hear a car horn sounding.



How do you cross the road? You walk out into moving traffic. They will go around you, as long as you stay firm - panic and dash and you’re finished. It’s mostly rickshaw and motorcycles, there are very few cars, and no one’s going very fast really, because it’s so crowded. Still, it would probably hurt, and some of those wrecked cars on the motorway certainly made me feel more uncomfortable, especially as our driver was particularly psychotic, even by the local standards – other driver’s shared our opinion that this guy was a knob, and showed it.



Why was I there? Well I wasn’t on holiday, although obviously I spent some time working on my tan. I was there on business (well not officially according to my visa, I think that cost more) working with my team of SEO writers over there, doing training and such like. I then subsequently learnt that the SEO managers were going to use my team to remedy their own mistakes, by making out they’re not doing enough and that 5 times as much work needs to be done. Call me crazy, but if a strategy isn’t working the answer isn’t do lots more of it and then it’ll work. Of course it’s easy for me to criticise, I’m good at my job and can think logically, not everyone is blessed with these attributes.

More on this trip soon...

January/February Films

DDDDDD – Exceptional and unparalleled
DDDDD – Excellent, a special film
DDDD – High Enjoyable, recommended
DDD – Worth watching, but unexceptional or flawed
DD – Bland, dull and average
D – Will give you cancer

Sherlock Holmes (2009) Robert Downey, Jr., Jude Law, Rachel McAdams, Mark Strong. Dir Guy Ritchie.

A more dynamic Holmes and Watson take on a sinister criminal who has come back from the dead. Turning Holmes into a comic book style character has worked before, and Ritchie’s film is undeniably fast moving smart and entertaining. The only thing missing is a decent mystery to solve.

DDDDd

A Very Long Engagement (2004) Audrey Tautou, Gaspard Ulliel, Marion Cotillard, Dominique Pinon. Dir: Jean-Pierre Jeunet.

A girl refuses to believe her betrothed died in WW 1 and investigates what happened the day he disappeared. Handsome, romantic mystery thriller if a little too garishly shot. Funny and very charming, but is hard to follow and a little slow moving. Not quite a classic.

DDDD

Woman of the Year (1942) Spencer Tracy, Katherine Hepburn, Fay Bainter, William Bendix. Dir: George Stevens.

A down to earth sports’ writer begins a relationship with a head strong diplomat’s daughter. The first Tracy/Hepburn film quickly establishes their trademark chemistry. Smart and funny, the adult romantic comedy is a dead art.

DDDDd

Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll (2009) Andy Serkis, Naomie Harris, Ray Winstone, Olivia Williams. Dir: Mat Whitecross.

Flawed attempt to hammer the strands of Ian Dury’s life into a narrative. Focuses on his family life, but uses not entirely successful plot devices to bring his past and music career in. Doesn’t help that the Rock star rise and fall story is too familiar. Serkis is the highlight.

DDD

Tokyo Story (1953) Chishu Ryu, Chieko Higashiyama, Setsuko Hara. Dir: Yasujiro Ozu.

An eldery couple visit their children in Tokyo, but they’re too busy to spend time with them. A gentle but deeply tragic film about the way the old replaces the new and how easily the past is devalued. Slow moving but leaves a lingering impression.

DDDDD

Exotica (1994) Bruce Greenwood, Mia Kirshner, Elias Koteas, Sarah Polley. Dir: Atom Egoyan.

Damaged characters are linked by a strip club and a patron obsessed with a school girl dancer. Slow reveals cleverly disguise the true nature of this human drama, which is touching in places, but frustrating also. Some stories add little to the overall plot and some performances aren’t so impressive.

DDDD

The Silence of the Lambs (1990) Jody Foster, Anthony Hopkins, Scott Glenn, Ted Levine. Dir: Jonathan Demme.

An FBI recruit is sent to question an imprisoned psychopath who knows the identity of a serial killer. Slick and stylish thriller; it’s exciting, but implies more depth than is there. Scenes between Foster and Hopkins are few and don’t demonstrate the psychological impact on Clarice that Lector apparently has.

DDDD

The Men Who Stare At Goats (2009) George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey. Dir: Grant Heslov.

A jilted journalist goes to Iraq and meets an ex-soldier who claims to have psychic powers. A very funny film, but one without a point to it. It’s too aimless to be the satire it ought to be, and ends up just being a very pleasant distraction.

DDDd

Christmas in July (1940)Dick Powell, Ellen Drew, Raymond Walburn, Alexander Carr, William Demarest. Dir: Preston Sturges.

A man is tricked into thinking he’s won a competition and spends the prize money before discovering the truth. Brief, but smart comedy with top notch performances from a solid cast. As you’d except from Sturges, some of the lines are golden.

DDDD

For the love of The Room

A few weeks ago I went to see a film called The Room. Haven’t heard of it? Well it’s the big sleeper hit of the last decade. It’s taken years for it to gather momentum after its initial short theatre run. Gradually, its reputation has grown and the film is being shown across America and now it has begun to get a reaction in the UK as well.

What’s so special about The Room? Well.....It’s rubbish. It’s generally regarded to be the worst film of the 21st century so far.

The Room is a throwback to old school days of bad filmmaking. It’s not one of those professional disasters where a filmmaker goes off the rails and creates a bomb that inspires hatred and/or boredom. The Room is that rare beast of a film where amateurs with almost no filmmaking skills and no talent somehow managed to put something together that looks at far glance like something that could’ve been a proper production, but isn’t.

The film is written, produced and stars (never a good start) by Tommy Wiseau, a strange accented lumpy man who first marketed the move as “A film with the passion of Tenessee Williams” overlooking the fact that it’s spelt Tennessee. When people fell about laughing at the premiere, he tried to sell it as a comedy. People laughed, but no one was buying it.

The film revolves around Tommy and his apparently beautiful future wife (not fiancé - this word is unknown to them), who have been together for 5 or 7 years depending which scene you watch. Tommy is a wonderful man (so we’re told over and over) but Lisa has become bored of him and seduces his best friend (so we’re told over and over again) Mark. The film charts the disintegration of their relationship and the revelation of Lisa’s betrayal.

But that’s not all. Denny, who is like a son to Tommy, buys some drugs and is threaten by a dealer. Lisa’s mum has cancer, is fighting with her brother over a house and has relationship troubles. Lisa’s best friend is having sex with some guy. It’s a rich tapestry of different related stories which are irrelevantly introduced and then quickly forgotten about.

It’s a stupid and bizarre film, an innocent effort that the creators really wanted to work, and as result, has gained the sort of following that Ed Wood films now enjoy. And as the legend of The Room has spread, people have begun to gather. They gather at late night screenings, they bring their friends, and they arrive fully versed in all things The Room.

I wasn’t quite prepared for the experience. I knew the film’s reputation had spread and in America it was becoming big, but I didn’t know that already people over in the UK had taken it to heart. I should’ve seen the indicators, 4th screening at the Prince Charles Cinema, 4th sell out in a row – it’s not a small place. As I walked in, a small lady on a stool handed a sheet of ‘rituals’ that you could follow throughout the movie. I also noticed lots of people holding plastic spoons.

The ritual sheets suggested a number of ways to interact with the movie. Such as shouting ‘Who are you?’ when new characters appear and you’re supposed to know/care who they are; ‘Cancer’ when Lisa’s mum arrives on screen, because she forgets about it almost as soon as she says she has it; ‘meanwhile in San Francisco’ because of the many establishing shots of San Francisco, even though almost all the action happens, as the title suggests.

Oh and the spoons... Well there is some artwork in the apartment which features spoons for some reason. So whether the camera passes said artwork, audience members throw plastic spoons at the screen.

The audience is given full license to misbehave as much as they like. People expressed their loud disgust at the awful sex scenes, constantly mocked the rubbish dialogue and applauded loudly at the most pointless scenes in the movie. It was a little like being in classroom where the teacher’s been gone for ages.

It can be annoying; some of the people aren’t funny and naturally won’t shut up. But having a whole group of people there made this film. Watching them erupt into applause at pointless scenes, hearing them point out the ridiculous things you didn’t notice. It was like being in a great audience at a comedy show or at great gig. The sheer momentum of people there determined to have a good time makes it hard not to enjoy the anarchy. Even if you’ve seen the film before, you’ll never know what’s going to come next.

What The Room proves is that just like any great movie, the way to watch a bad movie is on a big screen with an audience. Seeing The Room is like no other experience you can have at the cinema, an excuse to be as badly behaved as you like; and the film is so much funnier than almost any comedy you’ll see on a big screen.

The film is showing monthly at the Prince Charles Cinema in Leicester Square. Try it; you’ll struggle to find something else that much fun for a fiver on a Saturday night.

5 things I hated in January

Bad Romance by Lady Gaga

While this song may not be as garish and stupid as Pokerface, it still has plenty to hate in it. There’s the bits that don’t make sense, the things she probably heard in other songs and decided she’d she stick in whether it made sense or not: - “walk, walk, fashion baby” what the f@#~s that got to do with anything. But to really hate Gaga, you have to have seen her videos.

As usual she wants to be everything. At various points she’s a victim, a monster, an angel, a whore (mostly this one) and a sort of warped hatchling. It’s not a case of style over substance, it’s no style and no sense. She’s being groomed and sold for sex apparently, but if this is meant to be a harsh sentence, it’s rather undermined by the fact that she’s really enjoying the attention.

If there is one constant in this mess of ridiculous mixed messages is that Gaga is so awesome. She sells for millions, she’s stared at, worshipped, covered in diamonds, and then eventually sets her metal jawed (why?) buyer on fire because she’s so hot. At least witless rappers are blatant about their glorified self indulgent promotion, they don’t pretend that there’s anything remotely artistic or stylish in what they do. Stupid pomegranate faced cow.

Broken Heels by Alexandra Burke

Her first song was about how girls always like bad boys because they’re dangerous* and then her second one is a whole feminism, girls are stronger than boys, thing**. For f%^@s sake, if you’re going to write your songs based on cliché’s at least don’t pick cliche’s that conflict. No wonder everyone say’s X Factor contestants have no personality, no character.

Even Britney Spears, has a character, a persona. Starting off as a purveyor of innocence and idealised teenage romance, and then later as grown up girl gone bad and becoming more edgy – indeed the change in persona has allowed her career to continue to thrive. Where exactly is Alexandra Burke going to go? Exactly how do her managers expect to make a career out of an act that has no weight behind it, no hook? Oh well, a replacement for her is never far away.

Thames Water

I’ve always hated these useless f^~#ers. It was bad enough last year when I complained about their extortionate rates and they failed to mention that I could cut my bills in half by installing a water meter – I had to find that out from a third party. But it takes the p^£s when they can’t even bill you properly.

I moved, gave them my new address and asked them to send me a final bill. I received nothing. I get a call a few weeks later asking about the unpaid bill. I tell the caller I received no bill, he checks my records and sees that I have called in a change of address and says the bill will arrive shortly. Still haven’t received it. Suddenly in January I get bailiff notices asking for unpaid funds, for two different amounts. I write a complaints letters to them asking for a proper bill. Still haven’t received it, just more threats. Eventually I just paid the two separate bills, I know for a fact I owe more, lets see how long it takes them to find that out.

Most annoying people of 2009 on BBC Three.

Ah yes, the BBC channel that spends more on making adverts about their innovative, chance-taking programming than at actually does making them. This depressing annual schedule offal is one of their favourites; a cheapo programme that fills a big gap in the schedule.

Besides being presented by Richard smug-without-justification Bacon, the quality of guest’s declines with each showing, and it was never high. The same mix of reality-show 15 minuters, failed pop starts and little known comedians and presenters, trying to give entertaining and knowledgeable opinions on people they’ve never met*** on a list they almost certainly had no say in putting together. Christ, I’d rather more repeats of Porridge and Only Fools (not Two Pints) than this sad case of depressing digital age filler.

Transport For London & Southern Trains

Well, whichever one of them made it more expensive to buy a return ticket into London from Croydon than it is to buy a travelcard with a young person’s railcard. It’s only 30p cheaper to buy a travelcard without one; it makes no bloody sense!

*I look forward to the follow up song where her bad boy gets her addicted to drugs, steals her money, rapes her and leaves her face down in a ditch.
** To be honest though love, you’d be more impressive if you took the broken heels off and wore some appropriate footwear.
*** Yes, I do appreciate there’s some irony here, but no one is required by law to pay for the witless bile I spit out.

From Dave's News Place

Hirst's Nothing sells for 52 million

Films I saw in December

My Neighbours the Yamadas (1999) James Belushi, Molly Shannon, Daryl Sabara, Liliana Mumy, Tress MacNeille. Dir: Isao Takahata.

The comic tales of a typical Japanese family. Pleasant animation made up of small sketches and vignettes, but without building towards anything. The humour is ok, but rather too familiar; it’s been done before, notably by The Simpsons. The watercolour animation is rather lovely.

DDDd

Mesrine: Public Enemy No.1 (2009) Vincent Cassel, Ludivine Sagnier, Mathieu Amalric, Gérard Lanvin, Olivier Gourmet. Dir: Jean-François Richet.

Still on the loose, Mesrine embraces his notoriety as an anti-establish figure. As eventful as part one, but with darker notions of how the media can influence events. Mesrine decides he’s a rebel after he is painted as one, justifying further acts of criminality. Dark but compulsive viewing.

DDDDD

The Lavender Hill Mob (1951) Alec Guinness, Stanley Holloway, Sid James, Alfie Bass. Dir: Charles Crichton.

A meek bullion security supervisor comes up with a novel way to rob his own delivery. Delightful comedy caper; it has a warm gentle quality, but keeps up a strong pace. Guinness and Holloway are delightful as the unlikely criminals – you really want them to get away with it.

DDDDD


The Great McGinty (1940) Brian Donlevy, Muriel Angelus, Akim Tamiroff. Dir: Preston Sturges

An aggressive street bum is groomed by a local crook, first as a debt collector and then as a political candidate. Smart comedy with a surprisingly cynical view of politics for its day – the likeable crooked duo are undone by an act of honesty! The dialogue is killer.

DDDDd

Wall-E (2008) Ben Burt, Elissa Knight, Jeff Garlin, Fred Willard, John Ratzenberger. Dir: Andrew Stanton.

The last robot on the abandoned planet earth gets an unexpected visitor. A brave effort from Pixar, the first half of the film is close to silent comedy, and the themes are surprisingly dark. Not all kids will appreciate, but adults who don’t, should get their heads examined. Quite remarkable.

DDDDD

Up! (2009) Edward Asner, Christopher Plummer, Jordan Nagai, Bob Peterson, Delroy Lindo. Dir: Pete Docter.

After his wife’s death, an old man ties balloons to his house and goes on the adventure they never had. An irresistible, full-on charm offensive, with less weighty themes than Wall-E, Pixar has room to be more carefree and silly; a real heart warmer.

DDDDD

Hue & Cry (1947) Alastair Sim, Harry Fowler, Douglas Barr, Joan Dowling, Jack Warner. Dir: Charles Crichton.

A boy discovers crimes from his comic book being enacted in real life, but no one believes him. Superb boy’s adventure – fast paced, exciting, funny and smart. The story is original and the genuine post war London scenes are fascinating to see.

DDDDd

The Magnet (1950) Stephen Murray, Kay Walsh, James Fox. Dir: Charles Frend

A boy steals another child’s magnet, causing a chain of events that make him think the police are after him. A strong start, but this one peters out and unlike many Ealing films, it’s more for just kids. But it’s charming, something kids’ films today fail to be.

DDDd

It came from Hollywood (1982) Dan Aykroyd, John Candy, Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong. Dir: Malcolm Leo, Andrew Solt.

A mixture of film clips from low budget B movies, with linking sketches. Intermittently funny, but there’s no direction or any time devoted to the films themselves, which mostly remain unidentified. The linking material is completely forgettable.

DDD

Happy New Year

A little late I know, but I had to take a short break away from writing anything borderline meaningful. It’s not much fun working in retail in the run up to Christmas, even when you’re selling sex products and bizarre treatments (nipple enhancement pump anyone?).

I went back to Stoke for Christmas; it was covered in snow so it looked all right for a change, and it was good at least for London detoxing (it’s not expensive, most people are friendly and not everyone in a hurry acts like a c**t). Had Christmas at my brothers instead of my Mum’s under the pretence that Al likes to cook and that it means she can relax. The real reason is that Mum cooks bloody everything in the microwave and doesn’t seem to understand that even though it says it has an oven function stuff cooked in a microwave tastes like crap. Who knew the menopause could do such damage to tastebuds.

After a pleasant day I then took up a spot on my Mum’s sofa and sat there for three days and watched television – film reviews to follow.

The enforced fun of New Year’s took place at the Irish Society Club in Reading, which surprisingly had no one there who was Irish, although there were quite a few people there I wouldn’t want to sit next to on a bus.*

Alas now it’s all over and I’m back to work and thoroughly hating it as normal. However there are some bright(ish) clouds on the horizon. Firstly, I’m going to spend a week visiting the offices in India (free trip!!!) and secondly, equally exciting, I’m going to hire myself an assistant in the next couple of weeks. The official title is Content Editor, although unofficially the title is Content Bitch.

You can apply here if you’re interested at all.

Phobia of the day:

Triskaidekaphobia – the fear of the number 13.

*there were some perfectly normal nice people there too of course, I don’t want to be rude to the generous people who bought me drinks.

6 reasons why vampires are shite

I've been rather busy at work in the run up to Christmas, hence the blogging draught. However, there's always time for hate, which is why, in the light of the bloody awful teen vampire cak around at the moment, here are 6 reasons why vampires are rubbish.

1, They have no reflection

So how come they always look so bloody stylish? The smart haircuts, the perfectly tailored outfits; how the hell are they doing that? Is siring a beautician and stylist the first thing that every vampire does as soon as they become undead? That and robbing the first branch of Boots for a supply of eye liner? Vampires are supposed to be tough, but they always they’ve just stepped out of a Next catalogue.

2, They’re homeless people

There’s not an abundance of castles around, and not many large crypts at your local church yard either, so exactly where are these vampires living? It’s not like that they can afford a flat, where are they going to work? All night Tesco? It’s quite hard to work when you’re dead, you’ll find it hard to get a P45 or a tax code; the only thing you can do is turn to begging or petty crime, and that’s not so cool if it’s your bag that gets nicked.

3, They’re practically paedophiles

Why is it that most vampires, decades, even millennia old, are always going after girls who are barely, if not even, legal? Mortal men who do such things get put on a register and get bricks through their window, but suddenly, once you dead, it’s perfectly find, positively romantic

I know men are prone to like teenage girls, but why would they want to spend time with them? Do you know how boring teenage girls are? A vampire who’s lived for a hundred years is hardly going to be interested in the latest phone apps, the new episode of HollyOaks or how like totally deep the new My Chemical Romance album is.

4, They’re rapists

If a man gets a girl drunk and sleeps with her, or gives her rohipnol and sleeps with her, then that’s rape. But if a vampire seduces a women using mesmerism after lurking outside and coming into her bedroom window, then he’s all mysterious and elegant and dangerous in a good, non criminal way.

5, Loving a vampire is necrophilia

Yeah - they’re dead! Getting with a vampire is basically the same as getting with a corpse. Sure, they’re a bit more animated, but they have no body heat, because they have no blood flow, which not only makes them pasty and pale, but also leads to my next point...

6, They’re impotent

Do you know how men get an erection? It caused by an increase of blood flow into the penile tissue, which causes the penis to become engorged, and therefore, erect. So with no heart beat, and no blood being pumped through them, how on earth is a vampire going to get it up? Sorry girls, but if one of these undead paedophiles does try to get it on with you, it’s going to be a bit disappointing.

October/November Films

HThe Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009): Heath Ledger, Christopher Plummer, Tom Waits, Lily Cole, Verne Troyer, Andrew Garfield. Dir: Terry Gilliam.

Plummer is an immortal master of a portal to the imagination, but a deal with the devil could cost him his daughter. Quintessential Gilliam, the visuals have his dazzling individual touch, but the details of the plot are confusing and not always easy to comprehend. Multiple viewings may well help.

DDDD

300 (2007) Gerard Butler, Lena Headey, Dominic West, David Wenham. Dir: Zack Snyder.

300 brave Spartans go up against the demonic Persian army. A film that makes He-Man look profound. The action and violence is dazzlingly realised but quickly becomes monotonous and incessant. Fans of bad dialogue and big men in pants will get the most out of it.

DDd

Hail the Conquering Hero (1944) Eddie Bracken, Ella Raines, William Demarest. Dir: Preston Sturges.

A young soldier returning from the war is hailed as a hero, even though he was discharged before even shipping out. Smart and sharp comedy about the nature of hero worship. Fast paced and well performed, they just don’t make em like this anymore.

DDDDd

Nosferatu (1922) Max Schreck, Gustav von Wangenheim, Greta Schröder, Alexander Granach. Dir: F.W. Murnau.

Legendary illegal adaptation of Bram Stoker’s classic. Brilliantly realised with its sinister shadows and creepy sets, it may no longer terrify, but it’s striking scenes unforgettable. The gruesome depiction of the Count is refreshingly original, so far from today’s bland teenage bunch.

DDDDDd

The Brides of Dracula (1960) Peter Cushing, Martita Hunt, Yvonne Monlaur, David Peel. Dir: Terence Fisher.

Having vanquished Dracula, Van Helsing comes to the aid of a woman who is being pursued by a handsome vampire. One of Hammer’s best; well paced, with some good characters and a few nasty twists. Cushing is in particularly dynamic good form; only Lee is missing, Peel doesn’t cut it.

DDDD

Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix (2007) Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Michael Gambon, Imelda Staunton, Gary Oldman. Dir: David Yates.

As Voldemort gathers his forces, Harry is left persecuted from all corners and unable to fight. The most satisfying of the Potter films to date; the adaptation is superior, feeling less obviously paired down from a lengthier work. The darker themes are engaging, the characters strong and the finale impressive.

DDDDd

Macbeth (1948) Orson Welles, Jeanette Nolan, Dan O'Herlihy, Roddy McDowall. Dir: Orson Welles.

Shot in 3 weeks and for little money; Welles’ version is condensed, the speeches long but rushed through, making it hard to follow. Some of the acting is uneven. But the mist filled, foreboding sets and grim shadows give the film a sense of dark spectacle and power that is unmatched in other adaptations.

DDDd

From Dave's News Place

Council recommends slimmer Santas

Sponsor my tache

Yes, I have grown a moustache for charity. It’s rather fetching I think you’ll agree. I’ve been described as now looking like a gypsy fist fighter, and, when I’m wearing my hat, as a 19th century sex offender.

Anyway, besides just trying it for the sake of trying it, I’m doing this for charity. Specifically, for The Prostate Cancer Charity. So please donate generously by clicking here and by hitting donate – not only to advance the treatment of this condition, but also to acknowledge that my moustache is way better than anyone else’s at work by helping me to raise more money than anyone else.

Please be generous.

Nazi shopkeeper attempts to take share of Croydon convenience store market

So then I moved...

Essentially yes, I found a place, set a date, notified those Bairstow Eves bastards, and left. They put up no fight; just let me know how much I still owed them. I alas, have had to pay because otherwise I get a nasty red mark on my credit history that will f**k me up whenever I rent in the future, or should I attempt at some point to attempt to get a mortgage*.

They of course are denying me any financial compensation for letting a property which contravened housing regulations and are not taking any responsibility for doing so. I shall in due course be taking action against them with trading standards and other regulatory bodies in the coming weeks. Any progress will of course be reported.

My new property is much nicer, bigger, though more pricey, although I haven’t figured out how to put the heating on a timer yet, and if it comes on randomly at night (which it does) it makes too much of a f**king racket for me to be able to sleep. Other than that, pretty damn nice all in all.

Anyway, moving has of course meant the disconnection of my internet so further blogging will remain scarce for another week or more. But believe me, once I’m back online I will be back with a vengeance - oh yes.... a vengeance.


*I aiming for the year 2020, maybe 2022 to save up more for the deposit.

I responded thus....

Dear Kelly,

Although I am glad that the landlady has finally decided to take some action, I resent the notion that this is an act of ‘good will’. THE PROPERTY SHOULD HAVE BEEN CLEANED BEFORE I MOVED IN!

I find it absolutely staggering that a high-street estate agent can be so complacent in letting a property which is so obviously below an acceptable standard of cleanliness. The inventory that was performed prior to me moving in mentions the word soiled 9 times, dusty 5 times, dirty 6 times, mouldy 6 times, scuffed 3 times, damp twice and grubby once, and this was before the furniture was taken out, revealing more serious damp. In my last letter I asked you and the landlady to look at the pictures I sent back with inventory and to ask yourselves whether you would be happy to live in a property in this condition. You have not responded to this question, which is very conspicuous.

Employing a cleaner to ‘attempt’ to clean ‘some’ of the areas is totally unacceptable. It is the landlady’s responsibility to take care of this problem. Even though the damp has been described as ‘condensation’ I would still be well in my rights to report the property to the environmental health department if it were not removed.

I am tired of this farce. I have now decided to vacate 6 Johnstone Court. However, before I move out I want my agency fees refunded in full. I moved into the property in good faith. Bairstow Eves Lettings let the property, despite the comments in the inventory relating to dirt, mould and damp, thus violating housing regulations and potentially putting my health at risk. You then offered a truly abysmal level of customer service by ignoring my phone calls and emails for two months, further putting my health at risk, and then only responding to my complaints until after I stopped paying rent. If all my fees are returned, then I will pay all outstanding arrears, unless of course you do consider this to an acceptable way for an estate agent to fulfil their responsibilities. If not, then an apology would also be appropriate.

Regards,


David Nixon

Now this is what they're saying....

Dear Mr Nixon

Further to our recent correspondence, please find attached the results of the damp inspection recently carried out at the above property by Atlas Timber Preservation Ltd.

The report states that there is no damp in the property and that the black spots present are formed from condensation

We have reported the above to the Landlord and she has agreed that, as a gesture of good will, on receipt of the rental being brought up to date, she will either instruct a cleaner to attempt to clean some of the worst affected areas or will contribute £50.00 towards the cost of decorating materials upon receipts being provided.

Should you choose to redecorate yourself the work must be done to a professional standard and the colours must be in a neutral shade.

However should you still decide you would like to vacate the property you will need to confirm to us in writing and the landlord will release you from the contract. Please note that should you decide to vacate the property we will not make any charges to you for breaking the contract early.

Lastly, if you decide to remain at the property we would ask that you please bring your arrears up to date with immediate effect and also reinstate the standing order, as per the terms of your tenancy agreement.

Yours sincerely,

Kelly.

September Films

1The Thousand Eyes of Dr Mabuse (1960) Dawn Addams, Peter van Eyck, Gert Fröbe, Werner Peters, Wolfgang Preiss. Dir: Fritz Lang

A series of murders link back to a hotel and the long dead criminal mastermind Dr Mabuse. Not as relevant or as striking as Lang’s previous Mabuse movies, but still provides solid and memorable entertainment, although it’s hard to make sense of it.

DDDd

In the Loop (2009) Tom Hollander, James Gandolfini, Chris Addison, Peter Capaldi. Dir: Armanda Ianucci.

A dithering minister makes the wrong comment on the radio and ends up a key player in the run up to war. Extremely funny and witty satire which although OTT, has more than a whiff of truth about it. Dialogue and performances both top-notch.

DDDDd

1984 (1984) John Hurt, Richard Burton, Suzanna Hamilton. Dir: Michael Radford.

In a dystopian future an unexceptional worker rebels, but is crushed by the state. Suitably grimey version of the novel that sticks closely to the text. Hurt is ideal as the sullen looking lead, but characterisation is rather lacking and Smith’s fantasising is a little out of place and confusing.

DDDD

The Wrong Man (1956) Henry Fonda, Vera Miles, Anthony Quayle. Dir Alfred Hitchcock

True story of a mild mannered bass player who is wrongly identified as the perpetrator of a number of robberies. Unusually serious and low-key Hitchcock thriller. Vera Miles is excellent and genuinely affecting as the unstable wife but Fonda too restrained and dull as the lead. Not bad, just ok.

DDDd

Stranger on the 3rd Floor (1940) Peter Lorre, John McGuire, Elisha Cook Jr. Dir: Boris Ingster

A reporter suffers doubts when his testimony convicts a young criminal, then he himself is wrongly accused of murder. Considered by some to be the first film noir, this is a B movie well above its station. Dream sequence is excellent; it is limited by its resources, but is intriguing viewing.

DDDD

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (1988) John Neville, Sarah Polley, Eric Idle, Jonathan Pryce, Uma Thurman. Dir: Terry Gilliam

An elderly hero interrupts a play about himself to set the record straight and to resolve the war with the Turks. Brimming with creativity, so much so that it gets bogged down and drags. Hard not to admire, many sequences are dazzling, but it needs to get a move on.

DDDD

Public Enemies (2009) Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion Coutillard, Billy Crudup. Dir: Micheal Mann.

The historically inaccurate story of John Dillinger. Stylish and generally very entertaining adventure, but it lacks something to set it apart from other films of its type. It may match the period visually, but says little about the times or the impact that Dillinger had upon them.

DDDd

Mesrine: Killer Instinct (2009) Vincent Cassel, Cecile De France, Gerard Depardieu, Gilles Lellouche. Dir: Jean-François Richet.

Part one of a two part biopic following the career of violent criminal Jacques Mesrine. An unglamorous and uncompromising portrayal of a vicious and callous man. It works hard to show him not as a hero, but as a vicious and cold-hearted killer, far from someone who should admired or respected.

DDDDd

And my response was...

Dear Kelly

RE: 6 Johnstone Court

I appreciate that withholding the rent is against the tenancy agreement. However, as I pointed out in my previous letter, the damp in the flat contravenes the Housing Act 2004. The damp was noted in the inventory, but this was ignored, clearly someone either working for or on behalf of Bairstow Eves thought it simply did not matter, yet you now you write to me asking me to fulfil my obligations.

I am pleased that you have contacted Atlas to inspect the damp and I have arranged for them to visit the property on Tuesday the 15th September. This action, however, is only being taken because I have withheld the rent. When I was paying my rent, staff at Bairstow Eves were quite happy to not return my calls and ignore my emails. If Atlas do recommend action, what guarantee have I that their recommendations will be followed? If I could trust the Bairstow Eves East Croydon Lettings office to take action, I would happily pay the rent; however, experience has taught me that I cannot.

In regard to the Landlady’s comments, I am not asking for the flat to be painted or decorated. I am asking for it to be cleaned and to be cleaned properly, which is quite different. I was not aware that any deal had taken place to allow me to rent the property at a lower price on the condition no work was done on the interior. There is certainly no mention of it in the contract. Had I have known of such a condition, I would certainly not have expected it to extend to accepting the flat with dirt and damp on walls and would not have accepted the offer if I did.

This is not the first property I have rented. The properties I have rented before were clean and presented in a good condition when I moved in. I do not see why this property should be any different. The laissez-faire attitude and low standards of service offered by Bairstow Eves lettings have been extremely disappointing. I suggest that you view the pictures I sent back with the inventory and if possible share them with the landlady. I would then ask you both to consider the pictures and to ask yourselves honestly whether you would be happy to move into a property presented in such a condition.

I would certainly consider the landlady’s offer to release me from the contract, but I would only consider vacating the property if the agency fees I paid were refunded in full.

I would appreciate it if you would forward a copy of this letter onto the landlady.

Kind regards,


David Nixon.

And so they said....

Dear Mr Nixon,

Thank you for your letter dated 6th September.

We would like to advise that by withholding your rental payment you are in fact in breach of your tenancy agreement and would therefore request that payment be made without delay.

Further more we would like to advise that we have instructed a damp specialist company called Atlas Timber to contact you directly for an appointment to visit the property and investigate the problems you have reported and then come back to us with their findings.

We have informed the landlady of the above and also copied your letter to her. Your landlady has asked us to highlight to you that she made if very clear before the tenancy commenced that she was not in a position to offer any redecoration but did fact accept a much lower rental to reflect this. She has also confirmed that she has given her permission for you to decorate the flat at your own expense providing the colours are kept neutral and the work is done to a professional standard.

Your landlady has confirmed to us that she would be happy to release you from the contract immediate effect should you wish to vacate. If this is the case please confirm in writing to us.

Yours sincerely

Kelly....

An insight into the kind of thing I do on a regular basis...

My response was as follows...

Dear Louise


RE: 6 Johnstone Court

I received a letter this week signed by you requesting the payment of overdue rent. You know full well why the rent has not been paid for 6 Johnstone Court. I have been requesting help from yourself and other members of the Bairstow Eves staff for over 2 months now in the hope of resolving the poor cleanliness issues within this property, yet little or no action has been taken. I have been forced therefore to withhold the rent as I have been left in no doubt that no action will be taken unless there is a financial incentive.

Furthermore, I am also writing to inform you that I intend to report the property and the landlady to the Department of Environmental Health and the Trading Stands Authority as the damp within contravenes the Housing Act 2004 and could also be a potential health and safety risk.



Yours sincerely,

David Nixon

After some weeks, I received this letter....

Dear Mr Nixon

RENT REMINDER

Outstanding Arrears: £600.10*

Due: 20th August 2009

PLEASE REMIT BY RETURN

We regret to inform you that your rent is now overdue and would request that the outstanding amount is paid immediately and that all future rental payments are made on the due dates.

If these arrears are not paid, further action will be taken against you which could result in you incurring additional costs and an administration fee of £25.00 plus VAT per letter.

If you have already forwarded payment to us within the last few days, please disregard this letter and we apologise for troubling you.

Yours sincerely

Louise

* It’s actually £625. Can’t even get that right...

Scenes From Stoke: The Fenton Monument

Yes, it’s the Fenton monument. Centre piece of Fenton, which is far from the least important of Stoke-on-Trent’s 6 towns. The ‘Onward and Upward’ message perfectly encapsulates the spirit of a town which may not have a high street, but is totally like vibrant and full of life.

It may have been accidently forgotten about by Arnold Bennett when he wrote his famous books on the “Five Towns” but Fenton has so much to offer. Its important landmarks include the largest swimming pool in Staffordshire, the magistrates’ court, the...uhm Town Hall, and of course there’s the 6th Form College, where I had the pleasure of studying myself, although they’re going to move that down the road so it’s part of Staffordshire Uni. It did have a large part of the pottery industry, although that’s mostly gone – but they have a big KFC there too now; there was an armed robbery there once.

Oh but the people who still live must be able to draw constant inspiration from this inspiring monument, which is by no means gaudy, tacky, or a complete waste of time, effort and space. Hail to Fenton: ‘Onward & Upward’ the only place it has left to go.

August Films

Quantum of Solace (2008) Daniel Craig, Olga Kurylenko, Mathieu Amalric, Gemma Arterton, Judi Dench. Dir: Marc Foster.

Bond goes on a quest for revenge and tries to uncover an international criminal conspiracy. Keeps you entertained with one action set piece after another, but quickly disconnects you from the story, leaving you wondering what the point of it all was. Amalric is wasted.

DDDd

Straight on Till Morning (1974) Rita Tushingham, Shane Briant, James Bolam, Katya Wyath. Dir: Peter Collinson.

A Liverpool girl travels to London to find a man who can impregnate her, but meets a Peter Pan obsessed psychopath instead. Unconvincing suspense thriller, which is more memorable for the flashy and largely confusing cutting rather than any of the actual events. The ending does justify some of the wait.

DDD

The Queen (2006) Helen Mirren, Michael Sheen, James Cromwell, Helen McRory, Sylvia Sims. Dir: Stephen Frears.

Blair tries to elicit a more emotional response from The Queen after Diana’s death. An interesting behind the scenes look at a bizarre time in British history, which manages to be sympathetic to almost all involved. Although it’s all so nice it’s difficult to see it as being authentic.

DDDD

Moon (2009) Sam Rockwell, Kevin Space, Dominique McElligott. Dir: Duncan Jones

Lone space station operator Rockwell starts to see things as his tour of duty ends. An old school intelligent sci-fi film which prioritises character and themes of morality and humanity over effects and easy thrills. Rockwell is brilliant in a difficult role, though the staging and shooting could’ve been more distinctive.

DDDDd

The Cat’s Meow (2002) Kirsten Dunst, Edward Herrmann, Eddie Izzard, Cary Elwes, Joanna Lumley. Dir: Peter Bogdanovich.

Plausible telling of the events surrounding film mogul Thomas Ince’s death on William Randolph Hearst’s yacht. Engaging and elegant period piece which tells of the developing dark side of money and the media in Hollywood in the 20s, but it leaves you wanting more. Izzard surprisingly good as Chaplin.

DDDD

Star Trek (2009) Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Eric Bana, Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban. Dir: J.J.Abrams

Kirk, Spock et al take their first trip on the Enterprise and face a time travelling Romulan warmonger. Although it lacks the depth and morality of the original series, this reimaging is slick as hell. Colourful and fast paced, it reminds you just why these characters and their adventures were so popular in the first place.

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The Warriors (1979) Michael Beck, James Remar, Deborah Van Valkenburgh, David Patrick Kelly. Dir: Walter Hill

Blamed for the death of a legendary leader, a New York gang is hunted as they try to return to their turf. Ridiculous at every level; the dialogue is wooden enough, the characters cardboard enough, the acting bad enough with scenes so stupid that cult classic status was guaranteed.

DD

From Dave's News Place...

Billionaire McDuck dies after fall...

It's nice to see them starting young...

And after that threat...

Dear Mr Nixon,


Julie will be returning from her holiday this weekend, and will be coming back to work next Monday. I had thought that Julie was returning last weekend, when she is in fact returning to work this weekend (consequently I had been mis-informing everybody that she was due to return last week when this was actually not the case, and this was a fault on my part).


Regards,

Louise

After waiting another week...

Dear Louise,



Have you spoken to your manager Julie Sullivan about 6 Johnstone yet? It is now almost 6 weeks since I moved in. If I don't hear back from you before this time next week I will arrange to have the flat cleaned and deduct the money from the rent. I have to live their and come home to the mess every single day, and I just won't tolerate it any longer.



Regards,


David Nixon.

So then...

Dear Mr Nixon,

My manager, Julie Sullivan, will be returning from her holiday on Friday and I will speak to her about the situation on her return. I would like her advice as to where to go from here.

Regards

Louise

So I said...

Dear Louise,

The furnishings and the amount of rent I’m paying are not the issue, the flat was not let in a clean fit state. The flat should’ve been properly cleaned before I’ve moved in, this is not an issue with improving the decor, the walls are filthy and require cleaning properly and would still need to be cleaned properly regardless of whether I paid more rent and had kept the place furnished.

I still do not understand why no action was taken before I moved in. It is clearly apparent from the inventory, even without my additions, that the flat was not adequately cleaned. If the previous tenant did not clean it adequately why was not money taken from their deposit to clean it?

Then of course after I moved in, my attempts to address the problem were ignored for three weeks until I contacted you. Now we are at a stage where I’ve been here for over a month and the landlady has only just been informed that there is a problem and cannot now afford to solve it.

I do not intend to suffer because Bairstow Eves has not been looking after this property properly. If the landlady cannot afford to have the flat cleaned then I will be forced to deduct the cost of having the place cleaned from the next month’s rent. This problem is not going to go away and unless you have another suggestion, I will just have to take matters into my own hands.


Kind regards,


David Nixon

And then...

Dear Mr Nixon,

I have received a telephone call from your Landlady this morning in relation to the cleaning issues raised. I'm afraid that she is not in a position financially to undertake any cleaning to the walls.

You specified as a condition of moving in that you would like the furniture removed and a reduction on the rent, which the Landlady agreed to do, but i'm afraid that she does not wish to undertake any work in terms of the decor at this time.

Kind Regards

Louise.

After making an appointment to see the flat, forgetting about it, apologising, and then coming to see it the next day...

Dear Mr Nixon,

Further to my visit to the flat last week, I have left messages for your Landlady to come back to me regarding the cleaning to the walls which we discussed, however she has not yet come back to me.

I have written a letter to her and will await her response.

Regards

Louise

My response was...

Dear Louise,

Thanks for keeping me updated with the situation. Please let me know as soon as you've contacted the landlady, naturally as this situation has persisted for a month now I'm keen to see it resolved as soon as possible.

As a mark of good faith, I'll see to it that the money for this month's rent is transferred today.

Kind regards,

David Nixon.

To be continued...

The unfolding flat cleanlines saga...

Dear Louise

I have made several adjustments to the inventory and would like to express in writing how dissatisfied I was with the condition of 6 Johnstone Court when I moved in on the 20th of June this year.

The flat had not been cleaned, it hadn’t even been hovered. I don’t have to describe the state of that flat, as for the most part, it is actually alluded to adequately within the inventory. The words ‘soiled’ or ‘heavily soiled’ appear 9 times, ‘Dirty’ and ‘Dusty’ appear 5 times each, and ‘mouldy’ 6 times. The words ‘scuffed’, ‘grubby’ and ‘damp’ also make several appearances. Yet despite this, no attempt has been made to rectify these problems. I’ve made several additions that further describe the problems with cleanliness in the flat.

Furthermore, the pictures included with the inventory are highly misleading. They don’t resemble the flat I moved into, they don’t even resemble the state of the flat when I viewed it a few weeks earlier – I have pictures which back this up. The inventory states that it was prepared on the 16th June 2009; these pictures cannot have been taken at that time. I have included some pictures of my own that better reflect the state of the flat when I moved in.

I have contacted the East Croydon branch numerous times in the past three weeks, yet no action has been taken. I emailed them pictures of the flat this last week, but no response has been received yet. I am deeply dissatisfied with the level of service I have received from Bairstow Eves. Unless this matter is resolved and 6 Johnstone Court is cleaned properly, I may be forced to withhold the rent. I do not wish to take this action, but I refuse to pay for a flat which is ‘heavily soiled’ and refuse to let Bairstow Eves ignore this problem any longer.


Yours sincerely


David Paul Nixon

This week's movies 14/07/09

Scenes from a Marriage (1973) Liv Ullmann, Erland Josephson, Bibi Andersson, Jan Malmsjo. Dir: Ingmar Bergman.

The breakdown of a marriage and its reconciliation of sorts. Impeccably scripted and very insightful drama of the complicated nature of human relationships, but a huge mouthful at 155 mins. Originally a six part series, and probably better viewed that way. Very impressive performances all ways round.

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Marathon Man (1974) Dustin Hoffman, Laurence Olivier, Roy Scheider. Dir: John Schlesinger

An aspiring marathon runner gets caught up in his brother’s involvement with diamond smugglers and an escaped nazi. Fairly tense thriller, but it’s hard to care about any of the characters in it. Hoffman is separated from the main action too long for his conflict to really resonate.

DDDd

Hobson’s Choice (1954) Charles Laughton, John Mills, Brenda Da Banzie, Prunella Scales. Dir: David Lean

A pompous and chauvinistic boot store owner gets his just desserts when his eldest daughter decides to marry his talented shoemaker. A pleasant treatment of a pleasant play. Hardly hilarious or exceptional, but Laughton does give it his all.

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200 posts and still going on...

Yes, Dave Paul’s Place is 200 posts old, it seems like only 3 years and 9 months ago that I sat down and was forced to start a blog because I was told to in a lecture. We should all have blog because we’re writers and we need to promote our work. And look at me now, writing about Viagra, penis pumps and lubricant*. It’s been slightly different this week, I've had the chance to rewrite 150 medication descriptions for an old site they're revamping. My favourite medication side effects are ‘dark urine’ and a ‘a heightened sense of fear’. It was a slight improvement on some of the medical bits and pieces I've edited before, one of which included ‘death’ as one of the more serious side effects.

Aims for the next 200 posts?** More complaining, obviously. More film and general reviewing/slagging things off. Using this blog as a sort of spring board for my creative side, probably the reason why I was told 3 years and 9 months ago to start the thing in the first place?

Well, I suppose I ought to, haven’t been that creative for, well, quite a long time now. But starting to get ideas again, wanting to get back into doing the kind of things that made me want to be a writer the first. Yes, I think I should do that...

In the meantime, pointless trivia anyone?

Phobia of the day: Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia – the fear of the number 666

Delusion of the day: Intermetamorphosis – where someone is convinced that the people around them are able to switch identities with each other without changing their appearance.

Samuel Goldwynisms of the day: “Give me a couple of years, and I’ll make that actress an overnight success.”

Quote of the day: "If you stay in a house and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the bannisters. Don't tell me you haven't tried it." – Paul Merton

Death of the day: Sergey Tuganov, who died after betting two girls he could have sex with them both for 12 hours. He won the bet, ($4300), and died moments later as result of overdosing on a whole bottle of Viagra.

*My lubricant buyers guide is due to go online at any time.
**Their completion will probably coincide with when Bairstow Eves actually gets their f****** act together and sends someone to clean my flat.

Some Films

DDDDDD – Exceptional and unparalleled
DDDDD – Excellent, a special film
DDDD – High enjoyable, recommended
DDD – Worth watching, but unexceptional or flawed
DD – Bland, dull, average
D – Cinematic cancer

The Wrestler (2009) Mickey Rourke, Maria Tomei, Evan Rachel Wood. Dir: Darren Aronofsky.

An ailing washed-up wrestler tries to rebuild a life for himself outside the ring. Rourke is simply perfect as a man who can only succeed in a world where all the conflicts are staged. A testament to the power of strong storytelling and spot-on casting.

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One Million Years BC (1967) Raquel Welch, John Richardson, Percy Roberts, Robert Brown. Dir: Don Chaffrey

Banished from his tribe, Tumak meets Raquel Welch and joins her tribe before clashing with his old one. Amazing how often a giant dinosaur can sneak up behind you. Very silly, but worth seeing for the Harryhausen dinosaurs and that bikini.

DDD

Planet Terror (2007) Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez, Josh Brolin, Marley Shelton, Jeff Fahey. Dir: Robert Rodriguez

Part of the Grindhouse double bill, a go-go dancer quits her job then encounters her old boyfriend in a small town just before it’s invaded by zombies. Perhaps a little too knowing, but generally a great fun parody, though it would’ve been braver had it replicated the budgets of old.

DDDD

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008) Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, Taraji P. Henson, Caroline Fuller. Dir: David Fincher

The life and loves of a man who ages backward, starting old and growing younger. An experiment in how many sentimental gimmicks you can squeeze into one film. Long, uneven and largely meaningless, it would’ve been better if Benjamin had a personality.

DDD

Che Part One (2008) Benicio Del Toro, Demian Bichir, Santiaga Cabrera, Vladimir Cruz. Dir: Steven Soderburgh.

The story of Che Guevera’s guerrilla campaign which led to the Cuban Revolution. Beautifully cinematic reconstruction of Guevera’s quest to liberate Cuba, which shows his beliefs, ideals and methodologies well, but offers very little insight into his personality, motivations or past.

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8½ (1963) Marcello Mastroianni, Claudia Cardinale, Anouk Aimée, Sandra Milo. Dir: Federico Fellini

A director embarks on his 8½ film, with no idea where it’s going or what it’s about. Witty, surreal and occasionally profound, Fellini strikingly dissects the creative process and how it can make someone face their own weaknesses, failings and vulnerabilities. There’s nothing quite like it.

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Bronson (2008) Tom Hardy, Matt King, Terry Stone, Amanda Burton. Dir: Nicolas Winding Refn

The life of Britain’s most violent and notorious prisoner. The darker side of the pursuit of fame, an imaginative, stark and occasionally surreal tale of a man trapped within the persona he made for himself. Hardy is electrifying as the lead – flipping from terrifying, hilarious and inevitably, to pitiful.

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Dirty Harry (1971) Clint Eastwood, Harry Guardino, Reni Santoni, Andrew Robinson. Dir: Don Siegel

The first outing for Harry Callahan as he pursues a serial killer with little regard to the rules. So much of this has become cliché now, but it still remains an entertaining and exciting ride, even if it is a little hard to take too seriously.

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Knife in the Water (1962) Leon Niemczyk, Jolanta Umecka, Zygmunt Malanowicz. Dir: Roman Polanski

A cocky man invites a young drifter to join him and his wife for a yacht trip. Tense film of rivalry, dominance and sexual tension. Perhaps more interesting than exciting, but as a low budget debut thriller it really is quite impressive.

DDDD

A Moving Saga...

Moving is not fun. Having started a lower paying job in Croydon, far away from Ealing, I decided the best thing to do was to move, rather than stay in a far too expensive flat and commute for an hour and a half every day. And if I walk to work I could also save a bit of cash, make the pay cut more bearable*.

The first place I chose had another offer put on it, and after second look, I decided not to put in a larger offer. I decided on another flat, good location, decent condition, put an offer in, waited for the response. Agent contacted me about the first place, says the first offer hasn’t gone through, but I decide to stick with my new choice. After a short wait my offer is turned down, asked same estate agent about another property they showed me, they say they’ll call back. A different agent calls me up about a different property, which is quite far away. I decide to go see it just in case nothing works out.

It’s actually the nicest property I’ve seen. The other place I put an offer on is no longer available unfurnished. So I put an offer on the new place. The agent calls me back quickly and says one of the owners has accepted. I give him my details to put on the deposit as soon as he hears back from the other owner. Shortly after, I get a call about the place where my first offer was turned down, but has now been accepted. I decide against because I want beautiful new place.

But I don’t hear back about the new place, call back mid-Saturday afternoon but the agent still hasn’t had the go ahead from both parties. At 4 o’clock he calls back and says they’ve had a better offer. So I call back about the flat my offer was first turned down on but was then later accepted. Can I still get it, agent says she will check. Calls me back later says it’s is still available so I take it.

I spend two weeks of packing for an hour each evening after I get home at 8 o’clock having had to work late and commute 1 and half hours back to Ealing. Then I get extorted by my current estate agents who wants to charge me another referencing fee so they can give a reference to my new estate agents who are also charging me a referencing fee.

Then I have to pay double for a van, because they make you pay for both days of the weekend if you take it out on a Saturday. Then finally, after four hellish weeks of long commutes, house hunting and packing, I arrive at my new place to find that it hasn’t been cleaned, and behind all the furniture that used to be there, is damp.

So I call the estate agents on Monday and leave and message. Leave a message again on Tuesday. Finally get an apologetic call on Wednesday. Then hear nothing. Call back on Saturday, leave another message, no reply and the cycle of hell continues...


* Yes I know it’s more than the nothing I was getting before, I’m really enjoying being told that by everyone.

From Dave's News Place...

Media blames media for Boyle breakdown...