Fact Fourteen

Factosis level: High (a seatbelt is advised)

The name John Doe or Jane Doe, popularly used as place holder name when the identity of an individual (often a corpse) in American, in fact originates from a legal case during the reign of Richard III

There was a legal debate 0ver the Act Of Enablement. The debate involved a hypothetical landowner John Doe and the man he leased his land to, Richard Roe, who then took the land as his own.

These names had no particular significance other than perhaps that a Doe is a female deer and that Roe is another species of deer.

The case would become a landmark in legal history and the names became commonly used as a generic standin for a person unknown.

Quote of the day: At the age of six years I wanted to be a chef. At the age of seven I wanted to be Napoleon. My ambitions have continued to grow at the same rate ever since - Salvidor Dali

Award Thingy

That student course website that I write for www.bloc-online.com has just been nominated for the guardian media award for best student website.

Well f**k me.

I of course am the person who currently holds the record for most peices submitted to the website in this award nominating year. This will be the platform on which I shall attempt to take all the credit. Not that I imagine that will get me the spare ticket that's floating around for the award ceremony.

I also entered a radio four sketch writing competition this week. The top fifty entrants get a sketch writing workshop. If I'm not in this top 50 I probably ought to finish myself off.

I just want to win something. People around my are winning things and getting jobs and I ain't got s**t. My bastard bald friend Colonel Kian Northcote even won a bloody mountain bike right in front of me the other day.

Winning thesvenhunter blog's caption competition doesn't count. I won a 1p from that!

Chuffing Charity

This book thing I was working on a while ago has arrived in book shops around Cornwall.

It's called 'We Wish' a book to raise money for the NSPCC. It's made up of kids stories (which are very good) from a competition, a great deal of the leg work having being done by myself and some of my colleagues at Falmouth College.

But are we credited for our labours?

The students of University College Falmouth get a credit. But did all of them contribute to the book? Did 4000+ students do something to help this charity. No I don't think they did, I think it was six of us writing students, 4 by the end, and a group of illustration students, who are all individually credited I should point out.

All I wanted was to pick up the book show to someone and say 'Look, there's my name. That's me, I gave my time to working hard on getting this book published. I selflessly gave my time up for it, look that's my name, see how great I am for doing this important work for no personal gain whatsoever to myself, look, that's me.'

Apparently it's selling well and raising lots of money for starving kids or something.

There's going to be christmas single to go with it, featuring local children's choirs: sick bags on standby.

Why do charity songs have to be so agonising. Just donate the cost of the single to the NSPCC rather than suffer.

Awkard

So I'm bed a few days ago, (when I say that I don't wish to suggest I haven't been in bed since I only wish to suggest that these events took place in the past) and enjoying a fantasy role playing dream, when there was a loud knock at the door, interrupting my aggressive discussion with a large mobster lizard.

Being the sensible considerate person that I am I thought f**k it I'm not getting up to answer it. But no one else did either. And they kept knocking.

So I got upto answer it but couldn't find my keys. So I went back to bed where 10 minutes later the knocking came back. Still didn't know where my keys were so I ignored it again.

Then eventually, I got up and had a shower. The girl who lives upstairs and her boyfriend arrived during that time so if this person knocks again they can answer it.

But when I'm back in my room I hear the knocking again. Can't answer it now because I'm not dressed. Obviously the girl upstairs has come on go because no one else is answering it.

The knocking carries on at regular intervals and I don't want to answer it now because they'll know I've been ignoring them. I get ready to leave, but they knock just before I go into the hall. I wait a few moments and then leave.

As I lock the door and leave someone shouts my name. It's the girl upstairs's boyfriend. He's been looking for her and knocking for ages. I say I just came home for my laptop. Is she in? I don't think so, but I'll check. After all I wouldn't be sure if she if I'd only popped back a minute.

So I go upstairs and her doors open. I knock on and hear voices and moving inside. I can see through the crack between the door and the frame.

She's in bed with another man.

She's clothed thankfully, though he has his shirt off. Whosits at the door I say. Don't let him in, she say's.

So I go back down stairs, and even though I've been a conspicously long time I say that she's not there. He reluctantly accepts and walks away.

I go the opposite direction. Which is also the opposite direction I want to be walking in.

If I'd just answered the bloody door in the first place...

Look At Me I'm Wonderful

My talents have finally been recognised, well by a small select number of people anyway.

I've made my first short film, well when I say made, I wrote it and appeared in it. It was made by myself and group of my fine, fine colleagues at university college Falmouth.

And it's rather good if I may say so myself.

And I do, frequently.

Watch it here

Quote of the day: "I intend to be a freak for the rest of my life, and I shall baffle you with cabbages and rhinoceroses in the kitchen with incessant quotations from "Now We Are Six" through the mouthpiece of Lord Snooty's giant poisoned electric head. So theeeeeere......... "

Vyvian Stanshall of the Bonzo Dog Band

The Legend of Mrs Baggit

There are many, many myths and legends that surround and take place within the rustic county of Cornwall. This is one of the lesser known, more modern legends....

Back in the early 50's, a lone widower, Mrs Irma Baggit, was bothered and rather upset about the amount of litter being left outside her little rural cottage. She would spend hours clearing up this rubbish and taking care of the dry stone walls and hedge rows. But still the litter would gather.

Then one fateful day in June she happened to catch some school children carelessly dropping the paper from their half eaten portion of chips across the road. Angrily and hastily she dashed out of her house, brandishing a broom to threaten the young boys. But she was so hasty that she did not notice the juggernaut lorry speeding down the road.

The lorry flattened her, crushing every tiny bone in her body and making an unbarable bloody mess across her precious road. She was dead.

But her spirit could not rest, not while her precious roadside was being littered. So she went away from the light and became the vengeful spirit of street cleanliness. She sought out the boys who befouled the road outside her house with their chip wrappings.

Both boys awake the next morning in extreme pain. During the night one of each of their kidneys had been removed mysteriously (she had dreamed of being a surgeon in a previous life before being supressed by the oppressive male governmental regime).

And thus the terror of Baggit began. Chewing gum leavers found the fingers nails torn out during the night. A news paper dropper found his big toes taken clean off, both unawares during the night.

To combat this wave of terror the council wisely hit upon a campaign to combat littering in which Mrs Baggit became the symbol of clean roadways across Cornwall, her smiley face appearing on signs in laybys across the whole county.

This lead to the end of the attacks but in recent years the campaign has faded into memory and been forgotten and only a few of Mrs Baggit's warning signs still exist.

Although the legend has died down we should by no means be complacent, as this group of spritely youths discovered.

This photograph sees them openly mocking the Baggit legend as afterward they had a beach barbecue and did not clean up after themselves. They awoke next day to find their arms and legs tied together with extracts of their own intestines.

So you have been warned. Don't drop litter or else the Baggit will get ya!

Quote of the day: "Anybody that's involved in a workshop and isn't a light engineer, is a twat" - Alexei Sayle.

Vengeance Sweet Vengeance

I forgot when I left my old residence to vent my spleenful of hatred, in regard to my old landlord, all over this blog.

I used to reside in pleasant, but thoroughly dull, town of a Penryn, lodging in a house with possibly one of the most small-minded and petty individuals I have ever had the misfortune of not assaulting.

A man dull enough to place under every light switch in the house a little sticker saying 'Please turn off when not in use'. A man who described in great detail to one of my housemates who she could twist the bolt and open the front door by using only one hand if she was carrying something. A man who gave us a two hour discussion on how the house was kept clean and provided with a two sided printed table of how all the tasks were variously divided up between us, with an ascent on how many he did himself.

There are many tales I could tell of this petty man. There was one time when I decided not to put the recycling from the kitchen in the bin to be collected the following morning because the bin was already full. I came to the kitchen later for my evening snack, he had placed his carbboard sign (he kept one ready in a draw) telling us we needed to take the recycling out, determined not to do it himself. So I thought f**k it and did. Ten minutes later I him, from my bedroom window, checking that I've done it right. No what was the bloody point of him making me do it if he's still going out to check??? In a sense he was right to check, I had deliberatly placed it precariously on the top in the hope it would blow away in the strong wind and he'd have to pick it up in the morning. And to top it off they didn't take it because we'd put out too much.

To stick with the recycling, I was in a rush once and tipped all my empty coke cans into the bin without crushing them. When I got back he'd crushed them himself and left them in front of the gate for me to see what he'd done and what I was supposed to do. I promptly stepped over them and left them for him to pick up, which he did.

I'd say this anal attitude was due to him having a small penis but his girlfriend is fifteen years younger than him and I hardly thinks its likely she's spends time with him for the sparkling conversation.

I tried my hardest not to leave any stone unturned when I left his residence, having been given a three page letter on the various ways I was to clean up my room. Unfortunatly there is simply no way to fight somewhat operating on such a petty, small minded, beaurocrating, patronsing level so I ended losing £30.

This wasn't a great loss and aggrovated as I was I decided to let it go. However just last week I bumped into one of my fellow housemates who had a long discussion about his deposit with this man on moving out the house, which had sent the landlord into a tantrum. Afterward he threw away all the unclaimed mail for both him and myself, which included bank statements. This is very serious and has reawakened my thirst for vengeance.

So I have decided to hit back. Not hard when it comes to such a petty man. So I'm going to inundate him with internet ordered free samples. So far I've ordered him:

A whiskers kitty starter pack.
A copy of pyschic magazine.
Free pet food samples
An information pack about 'Gut Week', which took place in August.

More will follow....

Fact Thirteen

Factosis level - medium to high
The critically panned 2005 film of 'Fantastic Four' was not actually the first film outing for the comic hereos.

In 1994, low budget film supremo Roger Corman made a low cost version of the film but despite getting a release certificate of PG and a marketing campaign of publicity poster etc the film was never released.

The exact reason why is not known. It is thought that it may have been produced as an 'aschan copy' - they produced a film so the studio could keep hold of the rights (the opinion held by Stan Lee) until it was ready to make a big budget picture

The film still remains unreleased despite rumours that it might be released with the new film DVD.

A website article http://www.teako170.com/ffmovie.html features an supposed way to get the film. This can be done by donating $20 to a charity trying to raise money for the many animal/pet victims of Hurricaine Katrina

In the Year 1995...

Sandon High School Year 7 Report for David Paul Nixon

Mathematics: Level 4 65% David works quietly but effectively and is making good progress. He works well in class and with homework but must continue to try and work on his presentation. He’s a sensitive, well-motivated and pleasant pupil.

Science: 44% David has steadily improved his contribution to class reviews over the year. He now needs to improve the presentation of his good book work.

English: 57% level 3, David is a very quiet pupil who lack confidence in his own ability. His reading is somewhat hesitant and the presentation of his work is generally untidy. He does however have plenty of ideas which he does not succeed in committing to paper.

Technology: 85% An excellent exam result which reflects David’s academic ability. His theoretical and written work have been good but he was not at all organised in his practical, in fairness this was not helped by his accident.

History: 77% David is a conscientious and hard-working boy who is a pleasure to teach. This is an excellent result for him.

Geography: 78% There has been a pleasing and steady improvement in the standard of David’s performance during the year. He has settled, avoided distractions and begun to gain confidence. His examination performance was very pleasing despite being weakened by a poor section on weather.

French: David is capable of producing some good work in French. His confidence is improving slowly and with careful checking, especially of spellings, he could be successful in this subject.

Music: 79% A good exam result. David has worked well in class and has produced some good work.

Art: 52.8% David has ability in this subject. His efforts have been somewhat erratic. Practice is essential in observational studies gained in homework and class tasks. Satifactory.

P.E.: David needs to become more involved in all activities if we are to see any distinct improvement in performance. A more determined effort is required next year.

R.E. 57% David needs to improve the both the quality and content of his written work. At times David is slow to settle but is generally making good progress.

Form Tutor Comments: David has adjusted well to school routine and is progressing well in his studies. Clearly the presentation of his work is an area that he must address.

Head teacher Comments: This report contains some very encouraging & pleasing results of which David can feel proud. I hope that he will continue to build on these successes & that he will grow in confidence. Attention needs to be given to the rules of presentation.

Pupil Comments & Action Plan: I must improve my presentation in particular. I will concentrate on my handwriting. I also could have done better in my exams if I’d revised more. Besides my presentation I think I’ve done quite well.

The Curse of Me

Luck has never really been kind. Fate pisses upon my personal bonfire on an almost daily basis.

Besides my Telly/Video braking the day before my birthday, I was recently faced with a new scenario which would make me shake my head and cry 'typical'.

I have developed financial security due to not very pleasant circumstances. What I don't really have to worry about, or have crave right about now, is money.

So what do I find lying in the road, whilst on my way to the train station. What do I see tightly wrapped together?

50 quid, two 20's and a 10 pound note.

You know how much I would've killed to have found that kind of money two months ago when I couldn't even get any of the crappiest McJobs in the area? How much I would've loved to have 50 pounds to buy all those new albums that I've been desperatly wanting but could no longer afford. And now when I just don't need it.

I spent ten pounds buying lunch, paying for my train ticket, and buying a bit of food. I donated the remaining £40 to the British Heart Foundation because they mays as well benefit from my totally innappropriate luck!

I Made Up A New Game

Yes that's write, I have invented an exciting new word game.

It's called 'The New Single by the Cheeky Girls Game'. You have to come up with the next single for that ingenious and sophisticated girl duo, the Cheeky Girls, by inserting the word cheeky into a popular title, scoring extra points afterward if you can get the word 'bum' in there as well.

To illustrate here are a few examples.

There is a bum and it never goes cheeky
The Cheeky drugs don't work
Hit me baby, one more cheeky time
Bum Action (I believe in cheeky)
If you tolerate this, your cheeky bum will be next
Hit me with your cheeky stick
The more you ignore me, the cheekier I get
Cheeking my religeon
My cheek bum don't lie
What's cheeky bum got to do with it
My cheeky bum will go on
Sorted for bums and cheeky
It's a cheeky sin
I would do anything for you cheeky bum (but I won't let you stick your finger up mine)

Why not have a go for yourself

Nixon in Da House

I received the first monetary inheritance from my late fathers estate this week. The only circumstances in which a large cash bonus would not have leaping around the room with delirious, moist-mouthed excitement.

Sadly this substantial cheque has been made out to D J Nixon.

Not D P Nixon

And as I not the sort of person to pump out bangin choons to warm people up for the impending weekend, I will be sending this cheque back.

Quote of the Day:

"Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy." - Spike Milligan

Fact Twelve

Factosis level: Medium

The American mafia began in response to the actions of a group of men known as 'The Black Hand'. The Black Hand would attack and vandalise any business that were becoming too prosperous. They would send mail which would be signed with a black hand stamped at the bottom, in the years before fingerprinting.

Hence the term 'blackmail'.

Okay it's pretty short but very interesting I think.

What! you think I just sit around all day pissing around on wikipedia just to find out useless pieces information to fill the empty void that is my soul.

It's two hours a day max.

What the f**k do you want from me.

Important Historical Documents Discovered!

Whilst sorting through the piles of papers present at my father's house, a number of important, and valuable, historical documents were discovered. Their contents have been reproduced here for you interest.

Year 4
Language: David has sown in improvement in this area and is gaining confidence. He reads in a fluent style, his comprehension skills have shown improvement. Handwriting haphazard but he is making efforts to improve. Gaining confidence within a group situation

Mathematics: During this year David has gained confidence in this area and this has resulted in a a surge of interest

Science: David has shown enthusiasm for the science based topics we have pursued during the year.

D.T.: Has interesting plans and designs but finds some difficulty in executing them.

History: Enjoys historical topics.

Geography: He is interested in the worlds and its problems.

Art: David has made great progress, he has the confidence to try out new mediums.

Music: David shows interest and always tries hard. A helpful boy.

Physical Education: David hs worked quietly and well. He has gained in his confidencee and made good progress.

Religous Education: He is sympathetic towards other peoples problems.

Class Teachers Comments: David has become more involved with class activities during the year, taking responsibilities upon himself, when he sees the need.

Head Teachers Comments: It has been good to see David become less detached from the class. I want to see this continue. Good boy.

Woe, Woe and Thrice Woe

We had the funeral on Friday. Possibibly the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'd been trying so hard to get through all this that I hadn't really had to face until them. So instead of the funeral making me feel better I actually feel worse now.

Got pretty drunk that evening. Sang 'People Are Strange' by the Doors at karaoke because that's easy to sing when your throat is buggered. I don't think I sang it very well but because I was so pissed I wasn't nearly as nervous as I usually am so it came of ok.

The whole evening ended with my and the two Chris's eating Tesco Ice Cream on the park. Felt like crap in the morning, only the second time in history I've had a headache with my hangover. Not even an English breakfast could cure it.

The trip back was thankfully smooth (for once - an hour and a half late on my journey up). But I had hoped that things would get back to normal once I got back to Falmouth but I don't really feel any better. Because things won't ever be the same again.

Stephen Nixon 1951 - 2006

My father died last week, which as you can imagine came as a bit of a blow. It was a heartattack that took him in the end. He'd been unwell since he was diagnosed with high blood pressure in October but more so when he suffered a stroke over Christmas. Though he was recovering, the inactivity of not being at work made his recovery slow.

I somehow knew I'd be getting the call sometime in the not to far distant future and I knew the second I got a phone call from my brother (he never phones me) that it had happened.

The funeral will take place this Friday. It's all been arranged by a local Undertaker who I'm not sure I can forgive for discussing the arrangements at my mums house whilst wearing Bart Simpson socks and having a mobile that shouts 'Hello Moto' when it rings. Nice fella though. It's just going to be a simple affair unless of course someone has invented the concept of 'Pimp My Funeral' and enters us, but I somehow doubt that.

Fact Eleven

It is generally know that John Cleese's character of Basil Fawlty was based on an actual hotelier in Torquay.

The man in question was John Sinclair who amongst many things, once throw a bus timetable at a guest who asked when the next bus was, through Eric Idle's suitcase behind a wall in the garden because it was ticking (Idle had an alarm clock in it) and criticised Terry Gilliam's eating habits for being too American because he was holding a fork in the wrong hand. He also employed, and abused, cheap foreign labour.

It was rumoured that Sinclair had emigrated to Canada to escape being hounded by fans and the press but died in Torquay in 1981, by coincidence Basil Fawlty spoke fondly of emigrating to Torquay should ever escape his wife Sybil. Sinclair supposedly died a bitter man.

Relatives of Mr Sinclair have criticised the his portrayal in the programme but many of those who worked for him have sited many incidents as ludicrous, if not more so, than those shown in the programme. His two daughters who have both said the Cleese's portrayal was accurate, the eldest daughter moved to the United States to escape her parents, who pulled her out of School at the age of twelve to work full time at the hotel.

In other news: Shock - I received a letter, posted to my old address a week after changing with them mind, from the bank saying my, left at the cashpoint, ten pounds had been found and returned to my account.

Less encouraging is the continuing absense of a DrWho boxset from doorway. I have started the complaints procedure against the seller. Apparently I'm covered upto £120 but this may include a £15 charge...

Initial Stealing Bastards!

Those of you who have known me for a while will know of my master scheme to construct a parcel company, 'Direct Parcel Network', after my own initials DPN.

A company so good I literally put my initials on it.

But only now do I discover some other bloody company has stolen my initials and taken them as their own.

Damn you Digital Peninsula Network!!!

I shall bring them down from the inside by applying for a job as marketing officer there!


The phobia of the day is Paraskavedekatriaphobia - fear of Friday the 13th

First-Greatwestern Admit Fiction Train Concerns

Dear Mr Nixon

Thank you very much for your correspondence concerning your journey between Penryn Cornwall and Stoke-on-Trent on 10 June 2006-07-10

I’m really sorry that the length of your train journey was longer than you expected it to be. Our colleagues at Network Rail have a programme of engineering work in place at the weekend and as a result train timings are generally longer than those in the week. For this reason, and because late notice changes are often needed, we strongly advise customers to check journey times with www.virgin.com/trains or with national rail enquiries, before they travel*.

At times of engineering work we are unable to offer discounted tickets and make seat reservations** until Network rails confirm the re-timings of the amended services. Re-timings may not be completed until the day before travel.

Customers who purchase tickets in advance are then sold the normal standard fare, which is what happened in your case.

In view of your experience I would like you to accept the enclosed travel vouchers*** for £19.00****, which you can use over the next twelve months.

We do appreciate your feedback on our level of service and for taking the time to writing to us

Yours sincerely

CENSORED *****

Customer Relations

*Assumes I have the internet or that the person at National Rail will have a half reasonable grasp of English and dammit if they move or cancel a train why don't they contact me!

**Some people did have reservations. Why not print tickets closer to the day when reservations are available, though this is difficult if your train doesn't exist.

***There's just the one voucher

****How did they arrive at the figure of £19, via the Virgin Trains conpensation calculating dart-board perhaps?

*****Double-barrelled - not to be trusted

Saw Divine Comedy at Somerset House on Thursday, they were wicked as per usual.

Quote of the Day: "Years ago, I saved up a million dollars from acting—a lot of money then—and I spent it all on a horse farm in Tucson. Now when I go down there, I look at the place and I realize my whole acting career adds up to a million dollars worth of horseshit.” - Robert Mitchum

Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

Me unlucky? Or misfortunate? Or just plain stupid?

I don't like to think of myself as a mixture of the three but the facts are there.

Bad/irritating/bloody stupid things that have 'appened to me this last week.

1: Withdrew £10 from a cash machine and walked off without out actually taking the £10 note. Second time this year. I then went to the bank to report it, because there's a chance that it wasn't taken, but the woman on the desk didn't know how to file this report and didn't even know such a report existed. She sent me to the bank with the cashpoint in question to ask if they could check, which I knew was the the wrong thing to do and I was right and came straight back again. The real problem is that no one else in the bank knew how to fill out this report and at one point this woman claimed I hadn't taken any money out of that cashpoint at all until I pointed out to her that she was looking at my records on the wrong day.

I don't think I'm going to get this back.

2: I've just moved (you'll gonna hear more about that) and I've been sending my mail to 26 Vernon Place. Unfortunatly I've moved into number 29. I could've just gone to their house and asked them to pass on any mail. Only that no26 doesn't exist.

I had won the new Doctor Who Series 1 boxset off ebay. Having paid by cheque I had a good chance off stopping it from going to this address. Thankfully I had actually had it sent to the right address. Unfortunatly the seller has just been suspended from ebay for not sending people the things they've bought.

I don't think I'm going to get that boxset. Still though did you see Dr Who last week? Daleks vs the Cybermen! It's like a big fans wet dream*

3: The curse of I-pod struck again and DavepodV fell into a critical condition. Having calmed down I decided to wait till I was in London this week, so I could confront the apple staff with this continueing failure. So I get an appointment, approach the counter, get out the I-pod and what happends? The fucking things suddenly works that's what fucking happens.

But I put on my best (a frequently worn) misery face and bitched a bit and what did I get?

DavepodTNG (the next generation) a black, 60gb, video I-pod. Will it be more reliable, (shouldn't think so), will I just knacker it after two months and never cross over the 4,000 song mark (probably) I've got another years warranty to fuck about with it and know did I will get fucked some more on the way.

* I did not have a wet dream about Dr Who

nor have I ever done so.