Friday, December 16, 2005


I've been to London this week.

I am now poor.

Monday, December 12, 2005


There's going to be POLICE ACADEMY 8 - Guttenburg included, now is the perfect time to begin this chain. I call all investors send me your money, your hard earned cash, your Jewellery, your valuables, your mother - because I have a dream!!!!!

Facial Hair - Ammended

I must conceed that Dad dancing (as suggested by Droz) is pretty funny though I am not sure whether it defeats Dog's chewing Toffees. Though neither are as funny as the very thought or possibility of Brian Blessed.

Just look at him

And now life is worth living!

Saturday, December 10, 2005


Me and my friend Helen are going into business. We are going to start a fast food chain, Guttenburgers, a Steve Guttenburg/Police Academy themed restaurant.

Suggestions for food products accepted. A few already conceived are:

Mahoney's - an irish ale
Proctor Pepper


Facial Hair

I now have my own beard. Everybody on my course likes it. In fact my beard is more popular than I am. I am being upstaged by my facial hair.

Read something I wrote on:, visit the new writing section and read the story 'Can You Pass Me My Pills Please?" Full address is

Is there anything funnier than fat people falling over? It happens so slowly and they lie on the back and can't quite flop themselves back over and up again.

Dogs' eating toffees is pretty close.

Monday, December 05, 2005



Vanessa Feltz? She's not clever, she's not funny, she's not insiteful, she's not attractive.

I think she should be barbecued on a spit but with clothes on because, let's face it, no one wants to see that.

And if you do, get help.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Look at Me, Look at Me.

This is a picture of me as a Victorian Station Master.

Look at my moustache, it's not natural, it's not big, and it's not clever, though I did enjoy twirling it villainously

I was of course an integral part of the German production of 'Stormy Days', the tale of the first female doctor. My job was to open the train carriage door and walk off shot. I did this repeatedly over the next 12 hours.

But I have now been challenged to grow a beard and far be it from me to back down from a pointless challenge. So over the coming weeks I shall be growing yet hairier still.

Coming soon: the same image - but the right way up

Monday, November 28, 2005

Grammer, punctuation, etc

In response to a comment from my good friend Christopher Wingrove. I do of course know the difference between their and there and many other correct grammatical practices. I do not however necessarily pay any attention to them when I'm writing.

What is the point of Richard Bacon?

Nothing, he has no talent, he is annoying, and a tit.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Death to New Years Eve

I'm supposed to go the Leadmill in Sheffield on New Years and because it's New Years Eve it 14 quid to get in. 14 quid for the Leadmill, you can see a gig there for that much. That would be special but there's nothing special about New Years Eve, its utter bollocks

Oh lets go out and get pissed slightly more than we would on a normal Friday or Saturday because the way we divide up one complete rotation of the earth on its axis is complete and were resetting the calender back to the beginning. So yeah let's fucking party and go wild, that's worth celebrating isn't it. I literally pissing myself with excitement at the thought of January again.

I've half a mind to go on the 30th of December and forget the 31st because they both mean the same. Which is absolute nothing.

14 fucking quid. Gee I wonder if they'll play Teen Sprirt or This Charming Man by The Smiths, or maybe if we're really lucky Creep by Radiohead, maybe they'll really push the boat out because this evening will be loads different then every other stinking indie night they put on three times a week every fucking week of the year.

Except this one costs 14 quid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm going to be an extra on a film

I'm going to be an extra on a film (that's what you call an accurate post title). I am either a station master or a train conductor. But my colleague Richard gets to be an Gentleman and has huge tophat not a flat small one like mine. I have such hat envy.

I don't know what the films called, who's in it, what it's about and may even be a foreign picture. But I get paid so what else matters.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Death To Apple and there infernal Ipods!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have just broken my second I-pod. I sent the first one back cos the fucking wheel didn't work and I couldn't scroll up and down the menu's and could only listen to the songs in alphabetical order. (So sick of Adam fucking Ant). They just sent me a new one rather than repair which meant 3,500 songs - months of hard work, vanished and now after two weeks, and another 2,000 songs the thing has fucked up again. I disconnected from the computer prematurely and now all the songs are gone and my computer won't co-operate with it.

It's going back again. And Apple but send me a decent one this time, or they'll pay, yes they pay, I'll find out when they live and break all their fucking ipods. Apple bastards

Friday, November 11, 2005

Ross Kemp

I know the 'hard man' is getting a lot of flack right now, obviously what he should've done is beaten the shit out of her and demanded she make him some tea.

Or is that perhaps not what the papers were suggesting when they took the piss?

I of course seldom have the time to smack my bitch up.

Woe Is Me

I am very poorly today, I feel all weird and my nose is mass producing phlegm. I've also locked myself out of my house. Curiously enough the only other time I've ever done this is was also in Falmouth when I locked myself out of the bed & breakfast I was staying on the weekend I spent looking for the house I now live in. It was two hours before I could get in again. Fortunatly I bumped into one of my housemates who will hopefully be there when I get home. But also I think the doorbell is broken so will she even know I'm there...

You know when you see Rod Steward does anybody else feel the strange need to re-apolster some furniture?

Thursday, November 10, 2005

DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wondered if I wrote that I'd get lot's of anti-terrorism police visiting my blog

Barrels of fire

This bonfire Night I went to Ottery St May where they have a big part and set barrels on fire and run around with them a lot. This is an ancient ceremony that has gone on for many hundreds of years which was surprising because I didn't know students had been around that long.

But I have a theory, Once an innocent Japanese man was wandering about the streets without knowing about the festival and suddenly found himself being charged at by a large hairy man wheilding a big heavy barrel. But then a fat Italian pizza maker suddenly ran out into the street and saved him. Inspired by the events the Japanese man went onto design and create the game Donkey Kong, although why he called a monkey, Donkey we shall never know

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

My first posting

This is my first post onto my new blog
I'm doing this in a lesson and I can't think of anything to write. But should I not make a total balls up of this I may start to post quite often.

I want sleep now

second post

This is half a house, the other half was recently demolished, it used to be in Stoke, there are lots of derelict buildings there. This used to be one of them.

Yes I'm still in a lesson, this is part of the tutorial