Wednesday, April 05, 2006

What Not To Eat

The following conversation appeared on the Falmouth College Writing Message board and is relayed here in appropriate chronological order.

Please see below the contents of a memo we have received from Channel Four.
Please remember that the reputation of the MA in Professional Writing course is dependent on students and staff ensuring credibility with industry professionals.
The Editorial Team is taking this matter very seriously. We are in the process of identifying those responsible for this misconduct.
From: Lifestyles Programme Editor, Channel 4
To: Editorial Team, MA in Professional Writing, UCF.
Re: Celador Productions: 'You Are What You Eat'

We are concerned that considerable time and expense has been wasted from our limited budgets by students attending University College Falmouth.

Dr Gillian McKeith Inc., (the 'World Authority on Nutritional Eating and Bowel Movement Studies'), received details recently of a potential candidate for the forthcoming series of 'You Are What You Eat'.
The information came from someone calling themselves 'Vince Matthew', and suggested a fellow student named David P Nixon as an individual who might benefit from Dr McKeith's guidance and nutritional programme.

Mr Matthew included details on Mr Nixon's current diet, which he suggested consists of 'various forms of cheese, Pringle crisps and litres of Coca Cola - supplemented only by a bi-weekly carrot'.
You are no doubt familiar with the format of the programme. Dr McKeith and her crew scheduled a weekend down in Penryn, and began secretly filming Mr Nixon in preparation for confronting him with evidence of his imbalanced diet.

Dr McKeith was disappointed and angered by the results of this investigation. Rather than a nutritionally dysfunctional intake of food, the following eating diary compiled by Gillian suggests that in fact Mr Nixon sets an excellent example to his peer group of young males:

Saturday: Breakfast - 'Activator Smoothie' and pumpkin seeds; Lunch - Tofu and Bean Burger with Watercress;

Dinner - Mackerel and Pine Nuts with Avocado Sauce. Mineral Water.

Sunday: Breakfast - Quinoa Porridge with sunflower seeds; Lunch - Pumpkin Stew with Butternut Squash Mash;

Dinner - Miso Soup with Tofu, and Spinach Sprouting Seeds Salad. Mineral Water.

Dr McKeith and her team were furious at this misrepresentation of David. Her team observed, however, that Mr Nixon appears to wear a padded corset to hide an extremely impressive six-pack and toned abdominal definition. They did wonder, therefore, if this time-wasting exercise did involve an element of collusion...
We would be most grateful if you would ensure that those responsible for hindering Dr McKeith's international crusade to improve eating habits and stool formation be identified, and Celador Productions be notified of the miscreants in anticipation of potential legal action.

A letter of apology has been sent to Mr Nixon, who regretably received an e-mail from Celador Productions before this hoax had been uncovered, which included the phrase 'We have been watching you, you cheese-chomping coke-guzzler, and your malnourished over-caffeinated days are numbered'.

Yours in anticipation,
Hilary Killjoy
Lifestyles Programme Editor, Channel 4.


RajanGuest Group31 March 2006 at 2:11pm

I, for one, would like to support the investigations that the Editorial Team are conducting into this serious matter.
I think it is dreadful that members of the course should behave in this way.
On behalf of all career-minded, right-thinking students, I would like to apologise unreservedly to Ms Killjoy, Dr McKeith - and indeed to David - for this very poor lapse in judgement displayed by nameless members of the course (another excellent reason that Christina quite rightly insists that we do not put up entries on this board under false names - childish behaviour).
If I can help in anyway in tracking down the culprits, please let me know.

Yours disgustedly


Editorial TeamGuest Group31 March 2006 at 2:16pm

Thank you for your support, Rajan

RajanGuest Group31 March 2006 at 2:17pm

You are welcome.

Legal TeamGuest Group31 March 2006 at 3:05pm

In view of recent events David Paul Nixon is currently seeking legal advice in reference to the ‘You are what you eat’ incident. Our client has been greatly troubled by these accusations and feels that he has been misrepresented as a cheese-chomping coke-guzzler. We would also like to point out that any corset Mr Nixon may or may not wear is for medical purposes only, and that any accusations of collusion are totally false.

We were also asked to relay the following message on behalf of Mr Nixon.

“I’ll get you next time Rajan, you massive W*****”
RajanGuest Group31 March 2006 at 3:15pm

Guys, want to find out more about having the confidence to alienate people, make yourself generally unpopular and gain an official David P Nixon-accredited 'Massive W*****' nomination*?
Take the test...
* more valuable than a Blue Peter Badge at the moment - and you can sell your title on e-bay...


Anonymous said...

How very 'arty'.