Yawn

I'm still waiting for something to happen. 50 application (estimate) sent out to no avail, sigh.*

I'm going to be very wealthy in a few weeks time, but alas, I don't know what to do with it? Suggestions have so far included, buying a house, starting a magazine and travelling the world to 'find myself'. Knowing my luck I'd probably find a xenophobe.

I also find it funny when people tell I'm a 'lucky bastard'. I didn't win it*...

Sigh. Even the retail therapy is failing to raise those spirits. I shall have to try harder.

This link is more amusing than this post

*I inherited the money after my Dad died. This subtlety seems to have escaped someone - I would've put it in the post but I didn't want to sound like a martyr or be blase** about it. Idiot.

** I don't know how to add the accent.

The Latest From My Mother

I received this from my mother last week:

"Osama Bin Laden sends George Bush a coded message to prove that he's still alive.

It reads 370HSSV 0773H

Bush is naturally baffled and gives to Condi Rice and her aides, but they can't decipher it either, so it gets passed from the FBI, the CIA, The NSA, NASA, but it can't be figured out.

They contact MI-6. Within a minute they give a reply:

Ask the President to hold it upside down"

There has since been another since, but it's far too racist for me to repeat here.

She had a tough childhood.

Me On Wheels

I went to a roller disco the other week, in honour of her majesty Pamela Smith. I didn't fall over, I just spent all night looking like I was just about to. Going to the toilet was a challenge.

Damn You All

The Winner of the quiz is Pamela Smith. That's because none else entered, so balls to the 2 or 3 people who didn't bother. They know who they are....

She wins a fabulous copied DVD - woo.

The answers (not that you b******s care)are:

Simon Templar - The Saint
Archibald Leach - Cary Grant
Robert Bruce Banner - The Incredible Hulk
Farrokh Bulsara - Freddie Mercury
Peter Sutcliffe - The Yorkshire Ripper
Oswald Chesterfield Copplepot - The Penguin
Eric Wimp - Bananaman
Joseph Merrick - The Elephant MAn
Tom Riddle - Lord Voldemort
Béla Ferenc Dezső Blaskó - Bela Lugosi
Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili - Josef Stalin
Robert Tewilliger - Sideshow Bob
David Robert Jones - David Bowie
Paul Metcalfe - Captain Scarlet
David McDonald - David Tennant
Shawn Corey Carter - Jay-Z
Robert Dylan - Bob Dylan
Daniel Handler - Lemony Snicket
Jeff Albertson - Comic Book Guy
John Taylor - Chaka Demus (of pliers fame)

Congratulations to Ms Smith.

I had my first webchat today. While I was downloading music I was contacted by 'Crazychick22' who lives in Cardiff and 'go clubbin, shoppin, go out for food and work lol'. I didn't sustain her interest for long.

Can't even pull over the internet, sigh.

The Not Particularly Big Quiz

In the desperate search for content, I've decided to start a quiz.

Who are these people better, or more popularly known as?

There is a sort of prize, should anyone enter. I will copy, for the person who gets the most correct answers, a DVD of their choice from my large collection (not porn), assuming of course that my copy software accepts it.

Send your entries to davepaulnixon@yahoo.co.uk

And anybody suspected of googling or wikipeeding for answers will be disqualified (at least one of the answers is deliberately difficult)

1:Simon Templar
2:Archibald Leach
3:Robert Bruce Banner
4:Farrokh Bulsara
5:Peter Sutcliffe
6:Oswald Chesterfield Copplepot
7:Eric Wimp
8:Joseph Merrick
9:Tom Riddle
10:Béla Ferenc Dezső Blaskó
11:Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili
12:Robert Tewilliger
13:David Robert Jones
14:Paul Metcalfe
15:David McDonald
16:Shawn Corey Carter
17:Robert Dylan
18:Daniel Handler
19:Jeff Albertson
20:John Taylor

Your chances of winning will be drastically increased if nobody else enters.

The Factosis Institute

Dave Paul's Place is proud to announce the launch of a charitable cause which has for too long been ignored by the mainstream conscious.

The Factosis Institute is dedicated to aiding the prevention of a potentially lethal condition. As it say's in the introduction:

"If It's Interesting, It's Dangerous.

Factosis is a serious condition. It's caused when a person learns a fact or piece of information, that is so colosally interesting, that it causes an influx of trivians to the nerve centres of the brain, causing complete cerebral shutdown. The Factosis Institute is dedicated to introducing you to such dangerous pieces of information, so that they can be learnt and studied in a controlled environment, and not learnt unexpectedly by unsuspecting members of the public."

So read carefully my friends, take your time, prepare yourself mentally, and read these important fact and only then will you be protected from learning the unexpected and ending up, like one man I spoke to, who, on learning that Sean Connery was once arrested for speeding by PC James Bond, collapsed to the floor and flailed his limbs about like an octopus on roundabout.

Be safe, be carefully informed.

The Factosis Institute

Fact 16

Factosis Level - Strong

Although technically Pac-man can be played forever, as the levels continue to be generated, the 256th board is considered 'the final level'. Due to a glitch in the game, the board appears split, half normal, with the other half a garbled mess of text and letters.




Although it has been claimed that someone with enough knowledge of the game could navigate the maze and complete the level, it is considered impossible to complete without cheating.

Rumours persist however, of an American boy, Jeffrey R Yee, who reportedly scored 6,131,940 points, a score only possible if the player has passed the Split-Screen Level. An acheivement which supposedly gained him a letter of congratulation from President Ronald Reagan.

In September 1983, Chief Scorekeeper at the Twin Galaxies Intergalactic Scoreboard, took Pac-man on a tour of the East Coast to visit video game players who claimed they could get through the "Split-Screen." but all attempts failed. Later, in 1999, Billy Mitchell, expert player of arcade games, offered $100,000 to anyone who could provably pass through the Split-Screen Level before January 1, 2000, there were no takers.

Tales of Injury 3: The Final Woundings

1996 - Broken Leg So, I was trying to get home early, so I could do my paper round. I splashed out 35p on the bus (those were the days) and went to cross the road. There are dual roundabouts at Meir Heath crossing, there is a Lollipop lady who crosses people over the island between the two. I crossed over the first half without any trouble at all. The Lollipop lady then stops a juggernaut lorry for the second half and then moves toward the 2nd lane. I confidently follow her into the road, and assuming that all traffic has stopped, stride toward the 2nd lane. But I step ahead of her. A Volvo, not seeing either of us because of the lorry, drives past. I walked into the side of it as it’s passing by me. My left leg strikes it, I spin on my right leg and fall onto the ground. I don’t know that I’m seriously hurt, so I try stand up.

That hurt.

I have broken my leg and dislocated my ankle. At hospital, they plan to snap my leg back together. They put me under, but discover a broken piece of bone in the way, so they remove it. I later discover my body's complete aversion to anaesthetic and spend the whole next day vomiting. When the police came to get a statement from me, they noted that there was absolutely no mark on the car whatsoever, not even in the dirt. I didn’t stand a chance.

2004 - The Mystery Hernia I don’t know how I got a hernia. Maybe it was from hulking cripplingly heavy suitcases to the station that Christmas and stubbornly not taking a taxi because it was only ten minutes walk. There was no moment when I was in agony. I first noticed the injury while playing car ball ( A game where you try to throw a football into the open windows of car as it drives around in a circle. On getting a ball in a window, you get to sit in the car to defend it) when I felt a pulled muscle sensation above my groin.

So, I visited a doctor in March, who said I’d probably got a hernia. He made an appointment for me to visit a specialist. The appointment came through in June, where a specialist confirmed it was a hernia, but because I was finishing University that week, I couldn’t have an operation scheduled. So I arranged to see a Doctor back in glorious Stoke, who reiterated that I did indeed have a hernia. So he arranged for me to see a specialist who, in September, told me once again that I had a hernia, and put me on the waiting list for an operation. I got this appointment the following February with 7 days notice; they have to treat within 6 months, so they had to clear the list and if I couldn’t make it, I might have to wait another 6 months, I had a ticket booked to London for that day, but that’s another long and irritating story. I didn’t like the anaesthetic any more then than the previous op.

If anybody any suggestion about what I should write about in future, please feel free to suggest.

Tales Of Personal Injury 2

1993 - The T.B Injection: Nobody likes having an injection, but I took it like a pre-pubescent man and thought nothing of it. And it was sore afterward, and I did scratch a bit. What no one could've predicted was that I would come out in a large rash and grow a scab the size of a satsuma - though this provided a handy shield against punching, but the rash wasn't pleasant. The nurses were puzzled and I was sent to hospital to take a variety of tests and no one really seemed to be sure what was going on but it seemed, by this time, to be in remission, so there was no fuss and in the end, there was just large amounts of anti-septic cream to spread over me on a regular basis.

1995 - Broken Arm: To be perfectly accurate, I did in fact, break the bone just below my thumb, but as this connects down the entire of my arm, I got the full plaster treatment. I would like to say I earned the injury by playing rugby, but I didn't even get a far as the field. I was running to the field (in a bizarre show of enthusiasm) when I skidded on my football boots, fell, and landed on my arm. Of course, no one thought it was serious and I was viciously mocked and remember being so upset that I cried - plus the fact it really hurt. Apparently this bone is really hard to break, and is more commonly broken by the elderly.

The Requested Tale Of A Near Miss: I was at the seaside with my Mum and Dad. I was sat on a wall by the beach; there was pavement on either side of the wall and I was casually making fun of my Father's baldness or beer belly, I can't remember which, then he would chase me a little. When he got close, I simply rolled over the wall. Unfortunately, the pavement on the other side had changed into steps, to lead down to the beach below, and when I rolled over, there was an approximately 15 - 2o foot drop to the pavement below. However, my fall was broken - by my own arse. I landed on my backside and was surprisingly unharmed. I did hurt a little, but if I remember rightly, there was not even a bruise. I was totally unmarked, unlike the time when I fell on the spike of a metal log basket...

Next time - My altercation with a Volvo at a roundabout, and the mysterious hernia...

In the Year 1996...

Mathematics: 34% Level 5, David has worked steadily – but he must learn to ask for help when he needs it, instead of worrying, which just rocks his self-confidence.

English: 60% Level 5, David always shows interest and I have been pleased with the quality of much of his written work. He now needs to concentrate on organisation + presentation.

Science: 69% David is a very pleasant young man who works hard with great interest. Perhaps some attention could be paid to his presentation skills.

Technology: David has proved to be a conscientious and diligent worker who has tried his best to produce a very good DT/business project. Well done David.

P.E.: David does find this subject difficult but he must persevere more if he is to make progress.

I.T.: David is a quiet pupil who works very well and has achieved a good level of IT capability. He shows interest in the subject and has produced some excellent work. An* very good exam result.

French: David needs to put more effort into his work as I find him lacking in motivation. Assessments in reading & writing are quite good but listening & speaking need more work. Presentational skills need some attention.

Geography: 71% A very good result. David’s work has made very good progress this year. He still needs to improve the presentation of his work. David also needs to improve the quality of his written work.

History: 71% David always puts great thought and imagination into his work, and he has made a major contribution to some creative group presentations, he should now work on the detail and presentation in his writing.

Art: 63% David shows great enthusiasm for this subject. He has a very positive attitude** and is not afraid to be ambitious in his work, looking forward to further progress next year.

Music: 79% A pleasing result. David works with a quiet interest in all aspects of this subject. He should not underestimate his abilities.

R.E. 92% David works steadily in class and has a good understanding. The quality of his written work tends to let him down. Excellent exam result, well done.

Form Tutor Comments: A good report that David has earned through hard work. He should be pleased with this good result. Sometimes David lets his relationships with fellow students get on top of him. A growth of self-confidence will help out here.

Headteacher***: David has obviously worked very hard for the success that he has gained this year, and for this he must be praised. In year nine he must (next few words are unreadable) he concentrates on his own performance and improves this by setting targets suggested within his report. Keep up the good effort!

*Her mistake not mine, and the sad thing is that she spent her time typing that comment and aligning to fit in the box when she printed it because she was the IT teacher and thought it best to type. This same teacher would later be discovered to be having an affair with one of the DT teachers, this was shocking not just because he had a wife and kids, but also because he could do better.

** What?

***This was actually written by the head of year, the headteacher was probably too busy working on her hair-do****.

**** It was an impressive and intricate hair-do.

Tales of Personal Injury 1

Because the most interesting things that happen to me each day tends to be what I pick from beneath my toenails, I've decided to relate some of my past tales of anti-glory, from my archive of tales of woe.

This week, I begin the telling of the 7 occasions that have sent me to hospital.

Sometime in 1984 - Cracked head open after falling out the back of a van.

Naturally I don't really remember what happened, but apparently I'd just learnt how to run and was darting around the back of my Dad's van (it wasn't moving) and just ran out the back and landed head first onto the gravel.

Sometime in 1985 - Cracked head open again.

My brother was chasing me around the showers of a swimming bath, so guess what happened? He's always had it in for me...

Sometime in 1988 - Growth pains.

Admitted to hospital where I lay in bed with my leg in a sling and raised due to the weight attached to it. I seem to remember that I was only supposed to be there for a few days, but this was extended for 2 weeks, I was not able to appear in the Christmas play, though I was out for Christmas. Didn't get a class card, but I good a hardback book about the nativity from the teacher, who I didn't like. She was called me stupid for colouring my hair in green in picture, not realising my colour vision deficiency.

Coming next week: The TB injection fiasco and the breaking of my arm during rugby lesson (not as cool as it sounds)

I am accepting request for tales of misfortune to be retold here should anybody have any favourites.

Fact 15

Factosis Level: High. Medical Advice: Place head in fridge.

Kenneth Pinyan, also known as Mr Hands, regularly engaged in sexual activity with full size stallions, in particular one known as Bullseye. He would often film these acts and distribute them.

He died on the July 2nd 2005, his colon was ruptured during filmed intercourse, where a stallion had anal sex with him. He died of peritonitus in hospital hours later.

The incident lead to the illegalisation of bestiality in the state of Washington, as well as filming such acts. The man who filmed the incident was later charged with tresspassing because the video was shot on a neighbours land. Despite thorough investigation, no evidence of animal abuse or cruelty was found.

Pretty sick I know, but it was a choice between this and the story of how three people died on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie, which is very unpleasant. The death of someone who died for being a sick, stupid bastard, however, is ripe for amusment.

I need something better to do with my time.

Al-Qaida Place Bounty on Kofi Annan

Picture submitted by Helen Elizabeth Ward

Guardian F***wits

As part of the 2nd place victory gained by the website I used to help run www.bloc-online.com, the authors of the site were awarded a cheque for £250.

Minus the expenses from going to the awards, this money was going to be spent on a bar tab as part of a final party for the wonderful folk on my course.

However, the geniuses at the Guardian made the cheque out to www.bloc-online.com. Bloc-online is not actually a person. They seemed to be under the impression that this was the kind of operation that had a budget or an account to deposit said cheque into.

So, because I'm generous, great and a one day candidate for canonisation, I assumed most of the debt for the time being.

This has left me £160 out of pocket.

So imagine my delight on hearing that the cheque had been reissued, had arrived, and was ready to be cashed in.

One slight problem.

No one's actually signed it.




What a bunch of w*****s

Blog Entry Postponed

This weeks blog entry has been postponed until something interesting happens.

The likelihood of such an event is not considered likely.

In the meantime I offer you this gratuitous link

And another

OH DEAR LORD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've just heard the horrible, horrible news.

Police Academy 8 is cancelled, on indefinite hiatus because of a lack of funding.

NNNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

In case I don't make it through this, I just want you to know that I love you all*.


* Not you Phil.

Survived

Got through Christmas. My plan to comfort eat myself stupid worked perfectly.

Have spent most of the festive week downloading things and then transferring them to DVD and then copying the DVD's so both me & my mum have a copy. This has taken over my life. At night I think about it: What speed has it downloaded, how many re-writable discs do I have left? Can I re-download the episodes that won't burn? It's been at 93% for a long time now, has it frozen? I need my life* back.

I have to get back to Cornwall. I hate Stoke.

But what the f**K am I going to do for New Year.

Phobia of the day: Emetophobia — fear of vomiting.

* I define my own terms.

The Spirit Of Christmas

Unbelievable as it was, I was actually having a smooth train journey. Travelling back on a Friday and just before Christmas, everything had been comfortable and not too badly crowded.

But then, as I reached the final leg of my journey, and my last change at Birmingham, I yanked my case from the others in the rack, dragged it outside, checked that I had everything, and discovered I did not have any of my train tickets - part of which was my open return ticket.

People were crowding into the carriage, how was I to retrieve my ticket? I spoke to a man on the platform (a knob), he tells me to tell the train manager at the other end of the train, which is too far away and would require me to leave my case. I try to get into the carriage but the crowds won't disperse and I have to get off before the doors close.

All I have is the first part of my ticket used as bookmark in Tom Baker's Autobiography, so I can at least get all the way to Stoke. When I get there, I go to most well hidden customer service counter in the world, and plee for their help in getting a replacement ticket. But their computer system is down, the train can't be contacted, and the tickets can't be replaced because they were my responsibility. I plead with them, this is a £70 ticket, can they at least take my number and get in touch with the train when they can.

Instead, the guy there says he'll do what he's not allowed to do, write me out a replacement ticket, because it's Christmas.

Proof if any that the Christmas spirit is still alive. And that not everyone who works for Virgin trains is a w****r.

Days Of Loaded III

DAY SEVEN
Sorted and distributed the mail like a pro. Given my best job so far: I went to collect the editor’s dry-cleaning. Later I got to make a photocopy of the whole new edition of the magazine. Then I started researching kiss and tell stories for men who used to go out with famous woman. It was not a good day.

DAY EIGHT
Somehow ended up in the pub with all the writers, and found myself sat awkwardly to the editor and the deputy editor. They were talking about the editor’s friend who works for the sun, where behind the scenes the serial killer had been dubbed THE SUFFOLK-ATOR, but not even the sun was brave enough to put that on the cover.

They asked me what I was up to and I told them about how that afternoon I was going to be filling up boxes to send to the archive – I got to make the boxes in the evening. He said I ought to be doing something better (the man whose dry cleaning I collected).

DAY NINE
Helped to clear out the cupboards to help do their Christmas sale of unwanted promotional stuff. I hulked a heavy trolley to the floor below where the selection wasn’t spectacular. When what good things they had were sold, I was sent back to get the editor to empty out his office. We found a sandwich toaster, full sized Predator head and then there was this stereo. The editor didn’t want it, the features editor didn’t want it, did I want it? All ill will suddenly forgotten…

My computer password expired. While I waited for it to be renewed I asked if there was anything I could do that didn’t involve a computer. The deputy editor suggested I should go through the newspapers and try to find anything that might make a good story, and if I found anything, I could write it. My big chance had come at last!!! Unfortunately, a moment later, one of the guys from the picture desk sent me to Oxford Circus to fetch some DVDs they needed screen shots from. When I returned the computer was working again and I went back to my research into robots. Sigh.

DAY TEN
Finally got all the bloody table top game pictures and most of the desired camping gear was delivered and completed. They said they’ll post the stereo too me. They seemed genuinely pleased with me when I left, although I’m sure they say the whole ‘keep in touch’ thing to everyone. I was told to arrange a return visit with the office manager and although I’ve been pretty sarcy about it, it was worth doing and I might get trusted some new tasks if I go again. They might even let me feed the fish.

Days Of Loaded @

DAY FOUR
Day four is a blur. It involved research on Shanghai I think, and there’s a blur of elevators and floor I took things to and from.

DAY FIVE
Sorted and distributed the mail. Sent out to buy the ingredients for an expensive Christmas pudding – just for a photograph, no pudding was being made. Found out that Marks & Spensers at Marble Arch had the biggest food court but they don’t sell things like flour!!! or sugar !!! So I go to Selfridges next door where I can’t find anything cos they’re in funny places – raisins in the Mediterranean section? Still all the ingredients are not there and the Selfridges manager tells me to go to Waitrose in Marylebone high st. Is there one there? Is there fuck!!!

DAY SIX
Sorted and distributed the mail. Whisked off to Leicester Sq with one of the writers to buy a chefs hat and apron, then to his home in North London to collect some supermarket curries, then to an award winning curry house in Hackney where they were tasted by an expert. I took the photos. Then back to central London to buy an £8 curry (no rice) from Selfridges and then back to the office. As a writer I feel very proud to be getting a photographers credit in the magazine.