The Best of the Worst Part 4

More horrific than the love child of John Prescott & Anne Widdicomb, more gut-wrentching than 7 back-to-back Hollyoaks omnibusses, its:


Tor Johnson is Joseph Javorsky, a Russian scientist who defects and is flown under the highest security to an airstrip in the middle of a desert and than whisked away under the protection of two people.




But those wiley Russians send two other people in a car after them, and Javorsky is forced to flee and run amongst the rocks of the surprisingly un-flat Yucca Flats. But unknown to him, he has wondered onto a nuclear testing facility*.




After an explosion he is transformed into 'The Beast' an insane creature who very gently strangles his victims to death.



Now running amok, and having kidnapped the obligatory woman, it's up to the cop guys or maybe the airport guy or maybe that other guy who's searching for his kids to run about a lot and stop him.




But it is the spine-tingling dialogue that bring The Beast of Yucca Flats alive, as is the actors unique ability to throw their voices, as they never deliver their lines and appear on screen at the same time.

This much quoted film has many, many famous lines.

Narrator: "Touch a button, things happen. A scientist becomes a beast."

Narrator: "Boys from the city, not yet caught in the whirlwind of progress, feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs."

Narrator: "Joseph Javorsky, respected scientist. Now a fiend prowling the wastelands, a prehistoric beast in a nuclear age. Kill, kill just to be killing."

Narrator: "A man runs, someone shoots at him."

All this and more in The Beast of Yucca Flats, unsuprisingly available to download for free via the public domain.

If anybody watches it and wants to give their theory as to how Tor gets all the way from the middle of the desert to a town house to strangle a woman in a low cut top at the films prelude, I'd be glad to hear it.

Samuel Goldwynism of the day: “I don’t want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.”

Not A Job

Despite putting on what I thought was a pretty good performance, I was not called back for a 2nd interview. I was disappointed; although at first I was a little uncertain as to whether I wanted the job, it did look like a really nice place to work.

I got an e-mail saying that the standards of interviewees was high and that they went with the person with the most experience. This of course may mean that they went with someone who had been to the theatre more than twice in their life.

Oh and I went to Amsterdam didn't I? Yes that was fun, and I'm not being sarcastic* I did really enjoy it. Amsterdam is a really beautiful and chilled out place, the only trouble was in fact caused by, well us - and one loud mouthed twat in particular**

After spending the first night rowing about where to go and getting hacked off and going back to the hotel a bad mood, it really picked up on the 2nd day. I got eyed up in a gay bar and then paid 45 euro's to go into a topless bar where we could drink as much as we liked for an hour while the husband-to-be watched the barmaids insert various items into their vaginas and perform a variety of tricks.

It was called the banana bar and I'll say no more.

Selected films featuring Robert Z'Dar
BODY SHOP (2000): Two years after a women is killed in a fatal car crash, the trio of teenagers responsible for her death are suddenly being murdered - one by one. Each of them faces a horrible, bizarre death apparently devised by the dead woman's husband, a deranged two truck driver.

Z'Dar puts in a bravura performance as 'Shop Owner' IMDB rating 3/10

ZOMBIEGEDDON (2003): When the "zombie-looking freaks" begin taking over the world, dirty cops Jeff and Cage find themselves in the unenviable position of having to stop them before it's too late. Jeff learns that he alone has the power to defeat them if he's up to the task. But internal affairs officers investigate them for their prior wrongdoings, time is running out...

Warning - features Joe Estevez

IMDB rating 2.1/10

ROCK N'ROLL COPS 2: THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES (2003): With a Guitar in One Hand, a Gun in the Other, They Kick Hollywood's Butt.

IMDB rating 3.1/10

*For once.

**Not me.

The Week To Come...

I’m off to a bachelor party in Amsterdam tomorrow. I don’t smoke, I hate nightclubs and I’m only an occasional drinker. I’m going to be sooo in my element, sketching the town red.

Also, I’m off to Portsmouth for that job I might want. It’s not where I want to live and the pay is not so good. But it is a job, and all progress is progress. And its not in Stoke – thats a BIG plus.

Anyhow, here is me new favourite actor, Robert Z’Dar, star of such films as Maniac cop and Tango and Cash.

Behold him, him and his massive face…



Subliminal Message of the Day: "Now Call the Chief" - in 1978, Kansas TV station KAKE-TV was given permission to place this subliminal message, along with an image of a pair of glasses, an image said to be significant, in a TV report in an effort to catch the BTK serial killer. The attempt was unsuccessful.

Angry, Angry, Angry.

Two weeks! Over two weeks have passed since I sat for a day in the offices of Autotrader doing writing tests. Have they offered me the job? Have they rejected me for the job. I don’t know, because they haven’t bothered to phone me.

They tell you it’ll be a week, so you wait patiently as the deadline passes and think, well, maybe there’s a delay, and you wait a bit longer, and then suddenly over two weeks has passed and it dawns on that you probably haven’t got the job because if you had you wouldn’t have been left in the lurch like this.

Things just generally are working out. I only got my unemployment benefit last week, that’s almost 6 weeks since I applied for it and I only got that because I had to chase it up when it wasn’t paid. Apparently there was a problem, they said they’d phone me back tomorrow, they didn’t, so I phoned up and within ten minutes they said, it’ll be in your account tomorrow morning. It was eventually there by the afternoon.

I wouldn’t have needed the unemployment benefit because a friend offered my some work painting houses. But its been raining solidly all week, so no money there.

Well at least I’ve got another job interview. It’s for the New Theatre Royal in Portsmouth. I’m not sure I want to live in Portsmouth, it’s not very well paid, and they’ve set me tasks to complete and there will be a second interview, which takes the mickey a little bit, but at least they’re paying for travel expenses. Which is more than Autotrader did.

And still no sign of any money.

The cracks are getting deeper……..

Bad Omens

So last Thursday I ventured forth to Wimbledon for my 2nd interview, or as it was called 'A Day in the Life of the Editorial Team' or as it turned out to be, a series of short writing tests.

As I was riding the tube on my way there, my friend Moira was reading her stars in the Metro. For a laugh, I decided to have a look at mine...

VIRGO
Self doubt spreads through your day
with previously easy tasks seeming
inexplicably tough. Call on support
from those who love you - and can
tolerate your miserable mood long
enough to help.

What the f**K!!!

Screw you Metro, just what I need, a prophecy to fulfill.

As it happens, thing went OK. I'm down to the last 3 and am just waiting to hear back from them, which I will by the end of the week.

Please, please, I don't want to live in Stoke no more.

No Ro-man, he's not worth it!

The Ordeal In Full

The Group Test: Apparently we’ve been in a plane crash and all that’s left besides us is the skeleton of the plane. We have to rank our 15 possessions in order of importance. The reflective mirror was the most important, an idea I helpfully shot down early on in the discussion. We ran out of time and didn’t appoint a spokesperson.

Numerical Test: I’m glad they said they were more interested in accuracy than speed because for the 20 minute test I answered 9 out of 20 questions. It didn’t help that I was ticking the wrong boxes on the answer sheet and had to go back and put it right.

Proofreading Test: Gulp. I didn’t finish this in the time given. I would sell it on my accuracy, but who would I be kidding? Saw the first page of the answer sheet. I think I found more mistakes than there actually were…

Written Test: Had to speed produce some copy around what to say when calling up a car seller. 30 minute time limit to produce 250 words, points deducted for being ten words over or under. I didn’t have time to count.

Verbal Test: You’ve got a bit of text and you’re asked questions relating to this piece of text and you have to say whether it’s true, false or cannot say – based on what’s written, not what you know yourself – almost finished this one.

Personality Test: There are no right or wrong answers, but just in case you’re lying, they’ll ask you the same question over and over but from different angles.

The Interview: Oh yes, there was an hour long interview as well.

Can’t have gone too badly, they’ve asked me back this Thursday to spend a day in the office as a 2nd interview. Not that there was supposed to be a 2nd interview. Don’t they know how expensive it is to go to these things!!!

The Toll of the Unexpected.

Despite the persistant indifference shown to me as a candidate for employment, I have continued to send off the CVs and cover letters, frequently but without much hope.

Yet on Tuesday, something I never dreamt could happen, happened. Somewhere in the world the rivers must've been running red with blood because I, David Paul Nixon, was asked to a job interview.

Well, not quite. I was asked to an 'assessment day', they'd send the details through the post the next day. So I spent the next few days brushing up on my copywriting theory. But when the letter finally arrived there was no mention of anything to do with writing. This assessment day will consist of a group exercise, a personality questionnaire and will end with a numerical and verbal reasoning Test.

I'd never done one of these tests before so I took one online by the people who produce them for the company. I feel quite confidence about the verbal test, but as for the numerical test, well, if I keep practising I might be able to get my score to above 30%.

Oh and the job is for junior copywriter at Trader Media Group. I'll be primarily working on the Auto-Trader website. Cars are not exactly my area of expertise as I know only fractionally more about cars today then I did the day I was born.

So providing they don't find out that I can't add and I don't know shit about cars, I should be just fine.

Danger!!!

Look out! It's Eegah!!



Yes, Richard (Jaws from Bond) Kiel is Eegah, caveman extraordinaire. He's lived for centuries in a cave (Ro-man's cave in fact) without being discovered, but one day stumbles onto the road and straight into the headlights of love.



But Roxy has to go and tell her stupid father. So he goes out, on his own, with no supplies, over night, in the desert, to search for the primitive and aggressive giant.



And when he doesn't come back it's upto Roxy's boyfriend, the pug-faced, dune buggy enthusiast, Arch Hall Jr, to rescue him.



But the silly boy takes Roxy with him, and once Eegah sees woman all hell breaks loose. Will Eegah throw Roxy over his shoulder and walk off with her?

You betya.



Will Roxy and Eegah hit it off? Is her Dad still alive*? Will Arch Hall Jnr's song 'Oh Vicky' be a huge hit, paving his way to be the next Elvis. Was his Dad the director of this film?

All this and more in 'Eegah

And watch out for Snakes.

Fighting The War Against Bias

For those who find that Wikipedia - the encyclopedia you can edit yourself - shows too much bias? Do you finds that it's articles are biased towards Anti-American flag haters, lily livered liberals and god hating homos'?

Then why not try Conservapedia the 'trustworthy encyclopedia', where they fight 'bias' with bias.

Why not check out there incredibly informative articles on Homosexuality, Abortion and the Republican Party.

With already 9,000 registered contributors (you have to be registered) it's clearly becoming an important Internet resource, although 4,000 of them are permanently banned. And it did have to except some 'Anti-American' bias by revising its policy on allowing English spellings.

Quote of the Day: "I do feel that evolution is being controlled by some sort of divine engineer. I can't help thinking that. And this engineer knows exactly what he or she is doing and why, and where evolution is headed. That’s why we’ve got giraffes and hippopotami and the clap." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr

Goodbye Falmouth

Leaving Soon

Because I don't currently have any money left, I'm having to pack up my things and leave Cornwall and move back to Stoke-on-Trent

Let me illustrate how much I'm dreading this move.

I will swapping views such as this:



For views such as this:





Ok, so I've made the pictures black and white, selected the worst pictures I could find, and admittedly some of these buildings have been pulled down since I took the pictures. BUT the point is that Stoke sucks and there's nothing to do and if I'm there for very long I shall want to kill myself.

Delusions of the Day: Cotard Delusion - where a person holds the irrational belief that they are either dead, do not exist or have lost all their internal organs.

A Long Story

My Opus is complete:

16 months of hards work is over.

289 pages, composing of 17 complete chapters & 1 prologue written in arial size 11, one and a half line spaced.

That's a total 118,644 words

That's at least 30,000 above the average.

I might decide to do a little editing, but at the minute I'm thinking f**k it, if I want it to be long, it's going to stay f**king long.

Me and Ron are off to celebrate

I'm Not Ashamed Of It!

Yes that's right, I went to see the Pet Shop Boys last week, and I'm proud of it damn it. Pure entertainment that's what it was.

Almost two hours of quality fun, I don't care what anyone says about them!!!

THEY'RE GREAT




I can assure you that's a mike stand that Tennant's holding.

If you're like me and desperate to know who made it to the no1 spot in the poll of the top 100 Belgians then click here now. It took me by surprise I can tell you.

Samuel Goldwynism's of the day:

“In two words, im-possible.”
“Can she sing? She’s practically a Florence Nightingale.”
“Why did you name him Sam? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam!”

More Great Stuff

In brief, here are some more examples of classic, highly professional movie making, all freely downloadable via the public domain. Ok, so technically virually anything can be downloaded freely over the net, but these are pretty quick and easy.


Mad Monster
A man scientist, disgraced by his peers but also a genius (naturally) injects his dimwitted servant (doesn't he know he has rights?) with a syrum that turns him into a werewolf. Anarchy, dumb people who can't figure it out and lots of running about from one place to the next, often not quite in the nick time, ensues. The bit where he sits and has a fantasy arguement with the ghostly apparitions people who wronged him is good. Keep an ear out for those meaningful references to the war.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die
Mad scientist interested in mutation and all that lark is involved in an accident alongside his beautiful girlfriend (who doesn't mind that he's a nutcase). She is decapitated, so he takes her head back to his lab in bag, puts in a dish of liquid to keep it alive and goes on the hunt for another woman whose body he can steal and stick the head back on. Meanwhile, his girlfriend's head develops psychic powers and begins to communicate with the experiment he keeps locked up in the cupboard...

a>Invisible Ghost
Bela Lugosi is an old man (not a mad scientist) who misses his dead wife. The secret he doesn't know is that she was having an affair with another man and was killed in a car crash on the way to see her new boyfriend. What he also doesn't know is that the gardner found her body alive and is keeping her locked in the basement because she's a bit nuts. And he also doesn't know that she keeps escaping and everytime that sees her in the garden, he goes crazy and very very slowly goes to kill someone.

And if you thought that all made sense, just try watching till the end. Lugosi's performance is so effortless that it's, well, effortless. Oh and there's no ghost, although if it was Invisible I suppose we wouldn't be able to see it or know it was there.


The Corpse Vanishes
Bela Lugosi is a mad scientist (and all is right with the world) must extract the blood of young brides to keep his ailing wife alive. On their wedding day, he sends them a beautiful orchid which knocks them unconcious and then kidnaps them with the help of dwarf assistant. If you want to know exactly why any of this is happening, watching the film won't actually help. And I'm fairly sure they're not corpses when they vanish either.



Bela Lugosi Meet A Brooklyn Gorilla
According to Martin Landau who played Lugosi in the movie 'Ed Wood' this film made the Ed Wood films look like masterpieces in comparison. You have been warned...

The Pain Of It All

Haven't done much this week other than spend each day curled up in a ball weeping to myself. Although I did find the time to review the ass off this documentary.

But I thought I had problems. That's nothing compared to what the Martians have to deal with.


Their children have become dull and stale. They want to breathe life into them again. Just look at the boring little bastards*.


So they send their mighty robot Tork to kidnap Santa Claus and take him to Mars to entertain their children.


Will their plan succeed. Can the authorities put up a fight against their mighty martian technology. And will the whole plan be stopped by that dastardly martain Keevon, boo-hiss


And let's not forgot that outrageous jokester, Droppo. His wacky antics are always getting him into trouble.


For all this and more (yes there is more**) why not download 'Santa Claus Conquers The Martians' here for free. You won't be disappointed.

*One of the children (which ever one is the girl) is actress and Dancer Pia Zadora, who is famous in America and can be seen dancing at the end of 'The Naken Gun 33 1/3' until Nielson buggers it up and takes off her wig. I also recall hearing a story about her being in a production of the Anne Frank Diaries which was so bad that when the Nazies arrived someone in the audience shouted out "She's in the attic".

**Just wait until you see the thrilling Polar Bear chase scene!!!

Tales Of Woe: The Blade 2 Incident

It was late 2002 and I was still working unhappily at WHSmith’s in Windsor, working on customer services and taking care of all the CDs and DVDs and such like. It was half-term and a dark and miserable day and I was trying to do all my entertainment stuff whilst helping to look after the counter, as per usual there wasn’t enough of us to all the things that needing doing.

I drop what I’m doing to jump onto the counter as queue’s are forming with the intention of quickly clearing the queue so I can get on with what I need to be doing. I’m quickly getting through them, and filling their empty CD and DVD cases with the discs locked safely behind me.

Finally the queue clears and I try to get back on with what I’m doing. But then a lady approaches me.

“Excuse me; I’m from the Trading Standards Authority.”

She’s holding a Polaroid of a girl with a Blade 2 DVD.

“You just sold this DVD to this girl. She’s 14”

Blade 2 is an 18 certificate.

I went to fetch the manager. The three of us go up to the office. The lady is actually very polite, and apologetic. I tell her I honestly don’t remember selling it to her, I was just trying to clear the queue. It’s half-term, a perfect time to stage a sting.

Feeling a bit shell shocked I returned to work, without the bollocking I was expecting (a rare bit of decent management) but had to come in specially to see a lawyer the following week, where it was explained that I could get a warning, be given a three year caution, where, if I re-offended, I would be in serious trouble, or get taken to court. The second two I’m told almost never happen, and certainly wouldn’t happen to me, more likely that they might go after the company. The lawyer seemed to remember a case of an old lady working at Tesco who had let an underage girl have a DVD even thought she was underage but this was the only time a caution had been issued.

Besides, there’s supposed to be a warning on the till when you sell an 18 DVD, we tested Blade 2 and the warning was absent. So if anyone was going to be f***** it was the company and not me.

About six months later I was let off. I’ve never watched any of the Blade films but I gather I’m not missing much.

The Phobia of the day is couloraophobia: The fear of clowns

No Cheque Blues

Where's my money?!?!?!?!

Each day I dash to the doorstep as soon as I hear the post land on the doorstep. And each day when there's nothing there, I die a little inside.

And to make matters worse I've just started to receive junk mail. I don't want another f****** credit card!!!

Share certificates were apparently missing and have to re-issued, putting things back a couple of weeks.

Example of Irony of the Day: I over heard a grey haired man well over forty discussing with a younger woman the philosophical nature of reality and perception whilst wearing a pair tight leather trousers....

Good luck with that.

Photos

Here is me climbing a tree in Epping Forest:

Yes, yes I am holding tight.

Here is french multi-instrumentalist Yann Tiersen playing at the Scala in London:


And this is Ro-man, enjoying the delights of the million dollar bubble machine:


Samual Goldwyn Quote or 'Goldwynism' of the day: "Anyone who would go to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined!"

100th Post Spectacular !!!!!!!!!!!

Woo-hoo, Today I celebrate my 100th post. Dave Paul's Place is a year and a half old. Let's take a look back now to that first precocious posting:


Tuesday, November 01, 2005
My first posting

This is my first post onto my new blog
I'm doing this in a lesson and I can't think of anything to write. But should I not make a total balls up of this I may start to post quite often.

I want sleep now

Awh Bless.

And how things have changed. Back then I was so naive and innocent, full of ambitions, dreams and without any facial hair whatsoever.

Now look at me, unemployed, depressed and spending so much time in the same cafe on the wi-fi network that I can clearly be seen in the 'for sale' advert in the newspaper. Beard still looks good though...

I peppered this post with a bunch of wacky links, enjoy!