Under Fifty Word Film Reviews 2

DDDDDD – Exceptional and unparalleled.
DDDDD – Excellent, a special film.
DDDD – High Enjoyable, recommended.
DDD – Worth watching, but unexceptional or flawed.
DD – Bland, dull and average.
D – A cinematic turd.

Mad Love (1933) Peter Lorre, Colin Clive, Francis Drake Dir: Carl Freund.

Obsessive surgeon Lorre is in love with Drake. When her pianist husband Clive’s hands are destroyed in an accident, Lorre replaces them with the hands of a killer. Surprisingly dark even with censorship. Lorre’s performance and the expressionistic style of master cameraman Freund makes this a creepy and sinister classic.

DDDDd

We Are Together (2007) Dir: Paul Taylor

Phrases like life affirming and genuinely touching are thrown about often, but you’d have to have a heart of titanium not to have your heart warmed by this documentary about a South African orphan’s choir, whose success may decide the future of the orphanage. You couldn’t write a script this poignant.

DDDDD

Sherlock Holmes and the Voice of Terror (1942) Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce, Henry Daniell, Evelyn Ankers. Dir: John Rawlins

Holmes and Watson are inexplicably transported to ww2 to fight the Nazi’s. It may be unsubtle propaganda, but a fast paced plot, an excellent cast and some stylish direction makes this still worthwhile. And Rathbone is just unstoppable…

DDDD

Damn Their Eyes!

I thought that Waddesdon Manor* was a bloody rip off, but I hadn’t been seen nothin’ till I went to Cheddar Gorge.

Well actually I have been to Cheddar Gorge before, when I was but a boy, and now I realise why we didn’t go to see the caves or do anything exciting there**. Because it’s f@&^~#g expensive that’s why.

£14 it costs. Of course there are several activities you can do, you can see the caves, go up to the observation platform, take a woodland walk, go rock climbing, but what if you don’t want to take the woodland walk, what if you don’t want to go rock climbing. What if you’re too old to go rock climbing? There’s a perfectly good free walk on the other side of the gorge, why would you pay to go on their special walk?

Observation platform? P#$s off.

The olive branch offer they give you for this extortion is that if you don’t do any activity you can come back and do it again any time over the next ten years. That’s a fat lot of good if say you’ve come from abroad, or if you’re too old to do the rock climbing. What if you’re coming down with different people than you came with the first time - they’re going to want to see the cave, what are you going to do? Wait for the while they go into the cave, and meet them later on the observation platform, presuming you could resist the temptation to go up there the last time you were there?

To hell with you Cheddar Gorge. F@%k you!!!!!

*Apparently it’s the Rothschild family who demand such high fairs to see their fancy home. But that doesn’t stop the Nation Trust from advertising the prices properly at the entrance, nor does it justify the excessive numbers of restaurants contained within!

** We went to the cheese makers. That’s still free! Bless em.

Quote of the Day: "It's a sad day for American Capitalism when a man can't fly a midgit on a kite over central park" - publicist Jim Moran.

Under Fifty Word Film Reviews

DDDDDD – Exceptional and unparalleled.
DDDDD – Excellent, a special film.
DDDD – High Enjoyable, recommended.
DDD – Worth watching, but unexceptional or flawed.
DD – Bland, dull and average.
D – An insult to the eyes and ears.

The Devil Rides Out: 1968, Christopher Lee, Charles Gray, Paul Eddington. Dir: Terence Fisher
Daft story about devil worshippers is given bite thanks to the dynamic Lee as he tries to save two souls from the superbly evil Charles Gray. Great direction and fine set pieces bring in the thrills, although a low budget spider attack is inexcusably bad, but is easily overlooked.
DDDD

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: 1939, Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce, George Zucco. Dir: Alfred Werker
Holmes becomes a sort of boys' comic book hero in the 2nd Rathbone/Bruce film. The cast is first right; Rathbone, Bruce and villain Zucco are a delight to watch. Great fun, but it’s let down by script cuts that leave too much of the mystery unexplained.
DDDd

Not Again...

Well, it’s not quite on the same level as the time I bought a scotch egg without an egg in it, but it’s close.

Last week I bought a handful of cheap chocolate for the purpose of stuffing my face full of it.

Imagine my horror then as I opened the wrapper of one such chocolate bar and revealed what was inside.

A straight Curly Wurly.

No twists, turns, holes or nobbliness. 0% Curl and 0% Wurl. It was totally straight…

The world’s gone to s**t man, the whole things f**ked up.

Bizarre News Story of the Week:

Scarlett Johansson to record Tom Waits tribute album. What the hell?!?!?

I definitely didn't have anything to do with this...

Oh Crap

Because we had a lot of work to do at the beginning of the year, the woman I'm employed to work for (not my boss) is trying to justify the employment of extra staff for the copywriting team. To that end, we (me and the other copywriter) have to fill out a little form each day which states how many different bits of copy we've written.

This will end in one of two ways:

1: They will realise how excruciatingly long it takes to write copy and bring on new people.

2: They'll realise how much work I'm actually doing and administer a severe bollocking.

I wonder which it'll be?*

But whatever happens there are worse things out there. When I was making up product names earlier this year, I never dropped a clanger like this...

*2

Damn you National Trust!!!

This week I almost sent off some copy with the words reliable and efficient spelt incorrectly. But only almost…

I haven’t written* about my visit to Waddesdon Manor yet. It was a cold but bright day in December and we had travelled many miles to the Manor, home of the Rothschild family, out towards Bicester – home of Oxfam.

I am not a National Trust member, so I had to pay to get into the grounds. I was prepared for this. I paid my £6 and we were advised that there was an hour wait to see inside the manor, founded by Baron Ferdinand De Rothschild to display his collection of art.

So we enter the grounds, looks nice. Most of the sculptures and statues are very striking in their stunning tarpaulin wraps. But one of the things that really struck me about the grounds, one of the things that really jumped out at me, was how many great places there were to eat.

A plethora of eight different restaurant and cafés existed in the grounds, a venue to cater for all of my dining needs. There were some interesting features on the grounds map but they were in much smaller print.

We decide to book entry to the grounds as early as possible. Unfortunately I’m not a trust member – entry will be another £8 please. Now that they’ve got me they’re going to fleece me for every £ I’ve got. Was there any warning of this on the way in? Of course not. Their card machine is broken too, so if I didn’t have the money I would just have to go home. Not that seeing the beautiful grounds in all its tarpaulin weather-protected glory wouldn’t have been enough.

Admittedly the Manor is beautiful, very beautiful in fact. It’s just that you only see about 20% of it. We see it all in under 40 minutes and there’s no re-entry. Still, I can always comfort buy myself something in the gift shop, by far the biggest room we’ve seen so far. And I could always enjoy one of their many, many restaurants.

So in summation, Waddesdon Manor is a rip off and the National Trust are a bunch of c***s. Don’t go unless you’re a member, and even then, only if you really don’t have much else to do.

*Complained/whinged.

The Curse Continues...

The year I began working at Alton Towers was the year of the first petrol strikes, heavy rural flooding and the foot and mouth crisis, during which a number of animals at the Towers farm were rather callously slaughtered and small protests were held outside the gates. Profits fell…

The year I started working at WHSmith was the year they experienced a massive slump in profits and after Christmas 2002, had to significantly rethink their business strategy and streamline the company.

Then of course there was the Oxfam Books & Music store which I helped to open and then managed, which closed with massive loses 18 months later (6 months after I left mind, cutting my wage from the budget didn’t seem to help).

And now there’s Marks & Spencer.

How was it put in The Metro? “This isn’t just any drop in profits; this is an M&S drop in profits”.

I’ve doomed them all…

Shelley Von Strunckel Pearl of Wisdom of the Week: “Ever since Tuesday’s new moon, you’ve been trying to piece together certain perplexing insights. Now ironically, difficulties with others are helping you to clarify their meaning to you. Understanding will take patience. Continue to reflect, though, and gradually the puzzle pieces will come together.”

Changed my f**king life I can tell you.

Here, have a look at what I write for a living.

Achoo

I’ve been sick for about three weeks now, and am finally virtually back to normal. I haven’t taken any sick days because, as part of my intricate contract (I work for Marks & Spencers, but I actually work for someone else), I only get statutory sick pay. So if I phone in sick and I automatically lose £90!

What I should’ve done is buy Vicks Cold Protection. It’s proven to prevent people from catching a cold. 77% of people tested said they didn’t catch a cold.

A whole 77%, that’s what? Three quarters of people almost. So if you buy said formula, you’ve still got a 1 in 4 chance of actually becoming ill.

And of course, that’s the only stable statistic in this equation. Just because you haven’t developed the symptoms of a cold doesn’t mean that it’s protected you from catching one. You might just have been fortunate and not been exposed, not everybody catches every virus or cold that does the rounds do they?

If only I’d taken Vick’s special brand of Mickey Mouse placebo, then maybe, just maybe, I might have slightly reduced my chances of becoming ill.

Slightly.

I bet it’s not cheap stuff either.

Christmas Message

I hope you've had/are having a happy Christmas.

After coping with an on/off cold for two weeks I've know caught a rather nasty flew and have spent the whole time having hot and cold sweats, a clogged up chest and runny nose. Still, it looks like I'll be well enough to go back to work tomorrow - yay!!

In the Stars

As a new feature on Dave Paul’s Place, I will be be publishing pieces of my daily horoscope as predicted by London Lite’s resident astrologer, Shelley Von Strunckel - a bizarre looking woman who resembles a heavily made-up Patrick Stewart wearing Joan Collins’s wig.

It’s not that her prediction are just wide of the mark, or that they have less relevance to my life than the back catalogue of Britney Spears*, it’s just that they seem to be the comments of a nutcase off her tits on a mixture of vodka, hormones and cottage cheese.

Here are some of my favourites.

4/12/07
When others have been foxed by a tricky problem, you’re the one they usually come to. While it’s true that you’re both better informed and more analytical than almost anybody else, you will need to ensure that certain information is reliable, or risk being found out, and very publicly.

5/12/07
Little is more annoying than when nobody takes responsibility and no decisions are being made. Tempting as it is to plunge in and organise things, you would come to regret it. The pace of change is about to speed up, and will soon be so swift that nothing you plan would last.

And my personal favourite:

10/12/07
Of all the signs, you have the greatest need to dot every ‘i’ and cross every ‘t’. But in this week of shock developments and often unsettling surprises you will need to be prepared to accept the changes that appear suddenly and result in the kind of chaos you have no choice but to live with.

London Lite is one of London’s free newspapers and is forced into my face on a daily basis by over-enthusiastic immigrant distributors. Originally I would politely decline the newspaper, now as the weeks have passed by, I just shake my head at them in an irritated fashion. I expect in 6 months time I’ll probably be giving them a swift smack and a kick as I ignore the quality daily which on one occasion headlined an article about a tribute paid to the victim of knife attack as “Headmaster pays tribute to stab boy”.

This is the only job in the world I would like 16 year olds to do. They’d stand there half-arsed just occasionally exerting themselves to hold out a paper to a passer-by, but generally wouldn’t give a shit. They’d be perfect!

If only somehow we could swap every newspaper distributor with every member of WHSmith staff in the world, then we could walk the streets of London without getting a paper thrust in your face and you could go into WHSmith and actually get some f****** service.

*Although there was that occasion when I hit that baby, and the time that I accidentally did it again.

Tube Cattle

Now that I'm a card-carrying Londoner, I have the opportunity to observe Londoners in their natural habit and I have come to the following unsurprising conclusion.

Most of them are stupid.

I've discovered that things only exist if there's a queue in front of them. Ticket machines for example. People will quite happily queue at a ticket machine and completely ignore another perfectly functional machine only a few feet away.

This problem is magnified when it comes to cash points, as a second cash point might be as far away as say, well, just round the street corner. One often finds that people will queue into double figures before even considering looking for another place to collect their money.

Workers arriving at Marks & Spencers Towers at also depressingly dumb. People will calmly queue to use the revolving doors when there are two perfectly good doors on either side of it. Although this would require the effort of pushing or pulling. I think this might be too much for most workers*

This is born out by the elevator problem. Naturally with a building so tall and with workers primarily arriving at the same time, congestion occurs daily. Yet the people who complain most about the elevator delays are the people who get off at the first floor. Now I can be quite retro on occasion but stairs, good old fashioned stairs, they really, really, can't have completely been forgotten in this high-tech elevating, escalating world.

Is this what I can look forward to? A complete dumbing down of all sense, pluck and initiative. Stay tuned to find out.

Phobia of the day: melissophobia - the fear of bees.

* I didn't look quite so clever the day the door was locked, mind.

The World of Employment

This last week, I have mostly been writing about:

T-shirts/tops of many varieties
Layering tops
Cardigans
Tunics
Roll necks
Cycle shorts
Yoga wear
Performance wear
RealCool cotton
Joggers
Fleeces
Jerseys
Socks
Hoodies

And many more… All womenswear you understand. I don’t think I’m doing very well, but they don’t seem to mind.

Not that anyone really notices that I’m there, but I don’t actually work with anyone I sit near. My boss (or the woman who sets me work, I don’t actually work with my boss) sits a few desks up on the other side of the office.

Still, I think I’m making some impact, the guy who sits opposite to me asked me if I wanted a drink on Friday, but the guy who looks like Sylar from Heroes.

This week I get to go to the store in Marble Arch and note down everything that’s written on the clothing tags to make sure it tallies with what’s online. This will include the underwear…

I’m going to wear my ID card around my neck to show I’m an employee but I’m still going to look like a massive pervert.

Instrument of the Week: The Tromboon the reed and bocal of the bassoon attached to the body of a trombone in place of the trombone's mouthpiece, the Tromboon features the worst aspects of both instruments for maximum irritation.



Sounds a bit like an electric razor.

The House Hunt

I’ve been spending all week trying to find somewhere new to live in London. It’s been hard, it’s been difficult, and it’s been damn irritating. From the flat so small I could urinate from one end to the other*, to the flat I saw twice with two different agents one after the other and let’s not forget the estate agent who tried to talk me out of seeing the flat, only to eventually give in and drive me violently there for a tense 30 second viewing before thundering off – it’s been a demoralising time.

Mostly I’ve been looking at studio flats.

What are studio flats?

Studio flats are the gutted rooms of once beautiful townhouses with a small bathroom and small bits of kitchen stuffed in them.

That sounds a little cramped.

You’d struggle to swing a small fraction of an anorexic pygmy cat in most.

Can’t you get large ones?

You can, but you pay a lot more and get very, very little extra. Basically, if you have any belongings, you’ll have to leave them somewhere else.

But I don’t want to live like a rabbit in a warren. What can I do?

Live on the streets or in a bed-sit, or pray you can find someone to move in with.

But I have found somewhere. Expensive, oh yes, very much so. But it’s liveable and actually has room to breathe and move and stuff. I’ll be appreciating that a great deal as I go bankrupt.

On the down side, there isn’t any furniture. It’s going to be bare living for a while…


Delusion of the Day: Reduplicative paramnesia.

A belief that a place or location has been duplicated, exists in two places at once, or has been moved to another site.

*Hypothetically of course. I wasn't drunk.

And Another Thing...

Last week was strange. I actually went for things – and got them! Opportunity to interview Gore Verbinski, director of Pirates of the Caribbean? Sure I’d like to give that a go. What are the chances of me getting it? Surely the other writers for the 6 Degrees Film site will get it first.

“Would you like to do it at either 9 or 5?”

I just don’t expect these things to happen.

So I set about doing my research. I actually watch the third film, read reviews, production information, other interviews, director’s biography and I come up with 24 questions to ask.

It comes to Thursday morning (choose 5 o’clock one – what a surprise) and I’ve heard nothing. The woman who runs the website asks me if everything has been arranged. I’ve heard nothing, was I supposed to contact the PR company myself and arrange it?

The hours pass and still nothing. I try to keep myself busy and occupied, but I’m nervous…

Then at 2, finally, I get an e-mail. I open it and…

Apologies, but the event has had to be postponed to unspecified later date.

Damn and blast it!



TV channel of the Day: The Puppy Channel

While watching the O.J. Simpson trial, advertising executive Daniel FitzSimons was flipping through channels during lulls in the events and found nothing but game shows, soaps and reruns. They conceived of a relaxing place to ‘park’ your Television.

The puppy channel ran on 4 cable stations from 1998 to 2001, with nothing but puppies frolicking to ambient music. During an audience survey 41% of people preferred it to news channel CNBC and 37% of people preferred it to all the TBS network of cable channels.

The Work

I’ve applied for quite a lot of jobs this year. So many I’m beyond able to count how many.

I’d just started applying via a new website and was casually applying for copywriting jobs, when suddenly, one replied. This is pretty unusual – even rejections are rarely issued. But this wasn’t a rejection, oh no, this was a test. A test of my writing abilities…

A test for Endemol at Marks & Spencer – I was to write blurb for a selection of their products, based on only the picture, bullet points and category. The items requiring blurb: a bonded leather box, a 100% wool jacket, a set of four napkin rings, 2 stripy tops for girls and a kimono style ladies top.

I sent the test back on Sunday, before the Sopranos finale (which was good and not good at the same time).

Tuesday: I get a phone call at 9:30 in the morning; naturally I’m not awake. My test was ‘pretty good’ and they want to interview me. When can I come in? I say whenever is convenient for them. They say 3 pm tomorrow, I say I think I can sort that out; in my mind I’m saying ‘holy shit!’, I do agree and get to booking a train.

Wednesday: Armed with three bits of writing from the site that I like and three bits that I don’t like, I get on the train. I’ve got 55 minutes to get from Euston to Paddington, but by the time I arrive I’ve got 28. And I can’t find where the building is. I get there ten minutes late, covered in sweat, and after signing in and getting a badge, I make my way to their office.

I have the interview with wet patches on my shirt. I’ve proved I can write but I slip up on a couple of questions and don’t feel so good afterwards.

Twenty minutes later: I’m in Notting Hill about to practice some retail therapy and I get a phone call. ‘Yes we’d like to offer you the job’. I accept and then babble because I’m so taken aback that I have no idea what to say.

I start in two weeks.

And I am wetting myself.

This Week...

This is what I've been upto so far this week.

- Knocked the disinfectant clip off the toilet inadvertantly and when noticing that the toilet was draining slowly, stuck the toilet brush down it and knocked it round the bend, therefore, blocking the toilet.

- Emptied the bodies of two mice out of the mouse traps and put them to rest: I dropped them in a bag and threw them in the bin.

- Caught a cold: blew my nose a lot and found it very difficult to sleep.

- Was turned down for four jobs. I'd spent a lot of time on one of these applications only to be told they'd decided to cancelled the project altogether.

- Attempted to get 2 different DVD reviews but was pipped to the post in both cases.

- Waited uncomfortably for news of the 6 ceramic umbrella stands I posted last week to arrive. As far as I'm aware, one arrived broken.

- Made the following items available for purchase via ebay.



Click here to bid.

- Entered a short story competition.

- Beat Philip Ogley at Scrabbulous by over 100 points*

- Found my bike tire was punctured. Took it off and repaired the puncture then found out there was a second puncture. Fixed that puncture and found that my pump had no attachments which would allow me to actually inflate the tire. After much improvising I found a method to inflate, after many attempts, I accidently tore the nossel away from the tire. Will now need to replace.

And this is one of my better weeks.

Place to visit of the day: Centralia, Pennsylvania, USA, home of the 45 year old mine fire. Yes, back in 1962 a coal seem set caught on fire while rubbish was burning on a local landfill and the underground fire has been burning ever since. The ground is now unsafe (the ground once opened up and almost swallowed someone) and the once populous town is home to 9 people.

Estimates are that the file will continued for roughly another 250 years.

* A-hahaha-haha-haha-hah

Yours, Anonymously.

Sometime ago on a date I won’t specify, I sent a letter to an organisation I cannot name about a complaint of mine that I will not elaborate on.

When I published this letter I shamelessly published the name of the person who sent me the letter in question.

This weekend I received an e-mail in reference to the previous letter, which I am advised I cannot reproduce, which stated in clear and concise terms that there would be serious consequences if I did not remove the reference to the person in question who I cannot name.

I have done so and would like to sincerely apologise for the trouble caused to this individual and for any distress caused by scurrilously publishing their name on this blog for up to three to four people to read.

Sorry.

Brand New Tales Of Woe

I have on occasion over the years, suffered from a minor skin complaint. It comes, it goes, but on occasion it comes on really bad and determined to finally see it gone, I visited a Docter to have it rid of once and for all. After an initial positive run of antibiotics he changed me to a different stronger antibiotic.

Unfortunatly, I have since discovered that I'm allergic to this antibiotic. It's now called Oxytetraclcyline or something like that.

So I'm now covered in red blotchy itchy sores. In some very sensitive areas too.

It's not really been a good week. My ebaying has not been going so well either. I thought, now that I'm making some money, I'd use a courier service - that's a safe way to make sure they reach their destination in one piece. How naive I was.

So I have a little request. If you know anyone who works for DHL, please stab them to death. I've lost A LOT of money, and they aren't compensating me.

And I didn't get the internship. You spend £30 on travel and they can only send you an e-mail to turn you down.


Some of the depressing effects of this post can be countered by watching the following clip.

Bad B-Movie Monsters - Robot Monster