Space Mutiny

In a galaxy far, far away, mankind is in danger and its very survival is at risk.
YES it's the SPACE MUTINY


Fighting on through hordes of space pirates, the Southern Sun, and definitly not the Battlestar Galactica, is searching for a new home for mankind, a journey that has already taken generations.


But not everyone is willing to make the journey. Face-stretchingly evil Commander Kalgon has grown weary of the wait


He's the head of security and is using his men to take control of the ship from under the noses of its dynamic leaders, the bearded fat man and the other bloke.


Who can save them? Why only beefcake Captain Dave Ryder, that's who. He's already survived one attempt on his life and now he's going to kick some ass.

By his side, helping fight against this skinned-tightening evil, is his tempestuous, and curiously much older love interest, Jenna.


Watch as together they fight through the shipes industrial factory inspired interior.


Grip the edge of your seat as something with pirates happens. And there are these dancing mystical women and a sinister man with a limp and some frozen soldiers as well who I think all have something to do with the plot, But it's all thrilling action all the way through, culminating in a high speed go-kart race out.


Yes it's thrills all the way with Space Mutiny, a film that definitly wasn't filmed in a factory and doesn't recycle all its effects from Battlestar Galactica. And if there's one lesson you'll learn from it all and that's to not stand next to some railings in a factory, you'll only got shot and tumble over.

More 50 Word Reviews

How to Murder Your Wife (1965) Jack Lemmon, Vira Lisi, Terry Thomas, Eddie Mayehoff, Claire Trevor. Dir: Richard Quinne
A sort of love letter to man’s right to be irresponsible and care free. Lemmon is a famous bachelor cartoonist until he gets drunk and marries a beautiful Italian dancer who doesn’t believe in divorce and doesn’t speak English. Not politically correct, but very funny. Support cast is excellent.
DDDD

Inside Man (2006) Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, Jodie Foster, Willem Defoe, Christopher Plummer. Dir: Spike LeeCunning Owen is robbing a bank, Washington is the negotiator trying to outwit him, but there’s more to it all than meets the eye. A great twisting suspense thriller marred only by a meandering final quarter which is hard to understand or swallow. Usual Lee race commentary doesn’t add anything.
DDDDd

Sherlock Holmes & The Secret Weapon (1942) Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce, Lionel Atwill, Dennis Hoey. Dir: Roy William NeilHolmes goes up against Moriaty as he tries to steal secret weapon and sell it to the Nazi’s. Fun and well paced as usual, but Holmes as a secret agent is too hard to swallow. Cast on top form with Atwill and Hoey making good additions to the team.
DDDD

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) Michael Rennie, Patricia Neal, Hugh Marlowe, Sam Jaffe. Dir: Robert WiseAbsolute classic about intelligent alien with a message to deliver to mankind, but will we listen. Bag loads of charm and intelligence with strong special effects and something to say, few sci-fi films are this savvy and have dated this well.
DDDDD

Under Fifty Word Film Reviews 2

DDDDDD – Exceptional and unparalleled.
DDDDD – Excellent, a special film.
DDDD – High Enjoyable, recommended.
DDD – Worth watching, but unexceptional or flawed.
DD – Bland, dull and average.
D – A cinematic turd.

Mad Love (1933) Peter Lorre, Colin Clive, Francis Drake Dir: Carl Freund.

Obsessive surgeon Lorre is in love with Drake. When her pianist husband Clive’s hands are destroyed in an accident, Lorre replaces them with the hands of a killer. Surprisingly dark even with censorship. Lorre’s performance and the expressionistic style of master cameraman Freund makes this a creepy and sinister classic.

DDDDd

We Are Together (2007) Dir: Paul Taylor

Phrases like life affirming and genuinely touching are thrown about often, but you’d have to have a heart of titanium not to have your heart warmed by this documentary about a South African orphan’s choir, whose success may decide the future of the orphanage. You couldn’t write a script this poignant.

DDDDD

Sherlock Holmes and the Voice of Terror (1942) Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce, Henry Daniell, Evelyn Ankers. Dir: John Rawlins

Holmes and Watson are inexplicably transported to ww2 to fight the Nazi’s. It may be unsubtle propaganda, but a fast paced plot, an excellent cast and some stylish direction makes this still worthwhile. And Rathbone is just unstoppable…

DDDD

Damn Their Eyes!

I thought that Waddesdon Manor* was a bloody rip off, but I hadn’t been seen nothin’ till I went to Cheddar Gorge.

Well actually I have been to Cheddar Gorge before, when I was but a boy, and now I realise why we didn’t go to see the caves or do anything exciting there**. Because it’s f@&^~#g expensive that’s why.

£14 it costs. Of course there are several activities you can do, you can see the caves, go up to the observation platform, take a woodland walk, go rock climbing, but what if you don’t want to take the woodland walk, what if you don’t want to go rock climbing. What if you’re too old to go rock climbing? There’s a perfectly good free walk on the other side of the gorge, why would you pay to go on their special walk?

Observation platform? P#$s off.

The olive branch offer they give you for this extortion is that if you don’t do any activity you can come back and do it again any time over the next ten years. That’s a fat lot of good if say you’ve come from abroad, or if you’re too old to do the rock climbing. What if you’re coming down with different people than you came with the first time - they’re going to want to see the cave, what are you going to do? Wait for the while they go into the cave, and meet them later on the observation platform, presuming you could resist the temptation to go up there the last time you were there?

To hell with you Cheddar Gorge. F@%k you!!!!!

*Apparently it’s the Rothschild family who demand such high fairs to see their fancy home. But that doesn’t stop the Nation Trust from advertising the prices properly at the entrance, nor does it justify the excessive numbers of restaurants contained within!

** We went to the cheese makers. That’s still free! Bless em.

Quote of the Day: "It's a sad day for American Capitalism when a man can't fly a midgit on a kite over central park" - publicist Jim Moran.

Under Fifty Word Film Reviews

DDDDDD – Exceptional and unparalleled.
DDDDD – Excellent, a special film.
DDDD – High Enjoyable, recommended.
DDD – Worth watching, but unexceptional or flawed.
DD – Bland, dull and average.
D – An insult to the eyes and ears.

The Devil Rides Out: 1968, Christopher Lee, Charles Gray, Paul Eddington. Dir: Terence Fisher
Daft story about devil worshippers is given bite thanks to the dynamic Lee as he tries to save two souls from the superbly evil Charles Gray. Great direction and fine set pieces bring in the thrills, although a low budget spider attack is inexcusably bad, but is easily overlooked.
DDDD

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: 1939, Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce, George Zucco. Dir: Alfred Werker
Holmes becomes a sort of boys' comic book hero in the 2nd Rathbone/Bruce film. The cast is first right; Rathbone, Bruce and villain Zucco are a delight to watch. Great fun, but it’s let down by script cuts that leave too much of the mystery unexplained.
DDDd

Not Again...

Well, it’s not quite on the same level as the time I bought a scotch egg without an egg in it, but it’s close.

Last week I bought a handful of cheap chocolate for the purpose of stuffing my face full of it.

Imagine my horror then as I opened the wrapper of one such chocolate bar and revealed what was inside.

A straight Curly Wurly.

No twists, turns, holes or nobbliness. 0% Curl and 0% Wurl. It was totally straight…

The world’s gone to s**t man, the whole things f**ked up.

Bizarre News Story of the Week:

Scarlett Johansson to record Tom Waits tribute album. What the hell?!?!?

I definitely didn't have anything to do with this...

Oh Crap

Because we had a lot of work to do at the beginning of the year, the woman I'm employed to work for (not my boss) is trying to justify the employment of extra staff for the copywriting team. To that end, we (me and the other copywriter) have to fill out a little form each day which states how many different bits of copy we've written.

This will end in one of two ways:

1: They will realise how excruciatingly long it takes to write copy and bring on new people.

2: They'll realise how much work I'm actually doing and administer a severe bollocking.

I wonder which it'll be?*

But whatever happens there are worse things out there. When I was making up product names earlier this year, I never dropped a clanger like this...

*2

Damn you National Trust!!!

This week I almost sent off some copy with the words reliable and efficient spelt incorrectly. But only almost…

I haven’t written* about my visit to Waddesdon Manor yet. It was a cold but bright day in December and we had travelled many miles to the Manor, home of the Rothschild family, out towards Bicester – home of Oxfam.

I am not a National Trust member, so I had to pay to get into the grounds. I was prepared for this. I paid my £6 and we were advised that there was an hour wait to see inside the manor, founded by Baron Ferdinand De Rothschild to display his collection of art.

So we enter the grounds, looks nice. Most of the sculptures and statues are very striking in their stunning tarpaulin wraps. But one of the things that really struck me about the grounds, one of the things that really jumped out at me, was how many great places there were to eat.

A plethora of eight different restaurant and cafés existed in the grounds, a venue to cater for all of my dining needs. There were some interesting features on the grounds map but they were in much smaller print.

We decide to book entry to the grounds as early as possible. Unfortunately I’m not a trust member – entry will be another £8 please. Now that they’ve got me they’re going to fleece me for every £ I’ve got. Was there any warning of this on the way in? Of course not. Their card machine is broken too, so if I didn’t have the money I would just have to go home. Not that seeing the beautiful grounds in all its tarpaulin weather-protected glory wouldn’t have been enough.

Admittedly the Manor is beautiful, very beautiful in fact. It’s just that you only see about 20% of it. We see it all in under 40 minutes and there’s no re-entry. Still, I can always comfort buy myself something in the gift shop, by far the biggest room we’ve seen so far. And I could always enjoy one of their many, many restaurants.

So in summation, Waddesdon Manor is a rip off and the National Trust are a bunch of c***s. Don’t go unless you’re a member, and even then, only if you really don’t have much else to do.

*Complained/whinged.

The Curse Continues...

The year I began working at Alton Towers was the year of the first petrol strikes, heavy rural flooding and the foot and mouth crisis, during which a number of animals at the Towers farm were rather callously slaughtered and small protests were held outside the gates. Profits fell…

The year I started working at WHSmith was the year they experienced a massive slump in profits and after Christmas 2002, had to significantly rethink their business strategy and streamline the company.

Then of course there was the Oxfam Books & Music store which I helped to open and then managed, which closed with massive loses 18 months later (6 months after I left mind, cutting my wage from the budget didn’t seem to help).

And now there’s Marks & Spencer.

How was it put in The Metro? “This isn’t just any drop in profits; this is an M&S drop in profits”.

I’ve doomed them all…

Shelley Von Strunckel Pearl of Wisdom of the Week: “Ever since Tuesday’s new moon, you’ve been trying to piece together certain perplexing insights. Now ironically, difficulties with others are helping you to clarify their meaning to you. Understanding will take patience. Continue to reflect, though, and gradually the puzzle pieces will come together.”

Changed my f**king life I can tell you.

Here, have a look at what I write for a living.

Achoo

I’ve been sick for about three weeks now, and am finally virtually back to normal. I haven’t taken any sick days because, as part of my intricate contract (I work for Marks & Spencers, but I actually work for someone else), I only get statutory sick pay. So if I phone in sick and I automatically lose £90!

What I should’ve done is buy Vicks Cold Protection. It’s proven to prevent people from catching a cold. 77% of people tested said they didn’t catch a cold.

A whole 77%, that’s what? Three quarters of people almost. So if you buy said formula, you’ve still got a 1 in 4 chance of actually becoming ill.

And of course, that’s the only stable statistic in this equation. Just because you haven’t developed the symptoms of a cold doesn’t mean that it’s protected you from catching one. You might just have been fortunate and not been exposed, not everybody catches every virus or cold that does the rounds do they?

If only I’d taken Vick’s special brand of Mickey Mouse placebo, then maybe, just maybe, I might have slightly reduced my chances of becoming ill.

Slightly.

I bet it’s not cheap stuff either.

Christmas Message

I hope you've had/are having a happy Christmas.

After coping with an on/off cold for two weeks I've know caught a rather nasty flew and have spent the whole time having hot and cold sweats, a clogged up chest and runny nose. Still, it looks like I'll be well enough to go back to work tomorrow - yay!!

In the Stars

As a new feature on Dave Paul’s Place, I will be be publishing pieces of my daily horoscope as predicted by London Lite’s resident astrologer, Shelley Von Strunckel - a bizarre looking woman who resembles a heavily made-up Patrick Stewart wearing Joan Collins’s wig.

It’s not that her prediction are just wide of the mark, or that they have less relevance to my life than the back catalogue of Britney Spears*, it’s just that they seem to be the comments of a nutcase off her tits on a mixture of vodka, hormones and cottage cheese.

Here are some of my favourites.

4/12/07
When others have been foxed by a tricky problem, you’re the one they usually come to. While it’s true that you’re both better informed and more analytical than almost anybody else, you will need to ensure that certain information is reliable, or risk being found out, and very publicly.

5/12/07
Little is more annoying than when nobody takes responsibility and no decisions are being made. Tempting as it is to plunge in and organise things, you would come to regret it. The pace of change is about to speed up, and will soon be so swift that nothing you plan would last.

And my personal favourite:

10/12/07
Of all the signs, you have the greatest need to dot every ‘i’ and cross every ‘t’. But in this week of shock developments and often unsettling surprises you will need to be prepared to accept the changes that appear suddenly and result in the kind of chaos you have no choice but to live with.

London Lite is one of London’s free newspapers and is forced into my face on a daily basis by over-enthusiastic immigrant distributors. Originally I would politely decline the newspaper, now as the weeks have passed by, I just shake my head at them in an irritated fashion. I expect in 6 months time I’ll probably be giving them a swift smack and a kick as I ignore the quality daily which on one occasion headlined an article about a tribute paid to the victim of knife attack as “Headmaster pays tribute to stab boy”.

This is the only job in the world I would like 16 year olds to do. They’d stand there half-arsed just occasionally exerting themselves to hold out a paper to a passer-by, but generally wouldn’t give a shit. They’d be perfect!

If only somehow we could swap every newspaper distributor with every member of WHSmith staff in the world, then we could walk the streets of London without getting a paper thrust in your face and you could go into WHSmith and actually get some f****** service.

*Although there was that occasion when I hit that baby, and the time that I accidentally did it again.

Tube Cattle

Now that I'm a card-carrying Londoner, I have the opportunity to observe Londoners in their natural habit and I have come to the following unsurprising conclusion.

Most of them are stupid.

I've discovered that things only exist if there's a queue in front of them. Ticket machines for example. People will quite happily queue at a ticket machine and completely ignore another perfectly functional machine only a few feet away.

This problem is magnified when it comes to cash points, as a second cash point might be as far away as say, well, just round the street corner. One often finds that people will queue into double figures before even considering looking for another place to collect their money.

Workers arriving at Marks & Spencers Towers at also depressingly dumb. People will calmly queue to use the revolving doors when there are two perfectly good doors on either side of it. Although this would require the effort of pushing or pulling. I think this might be too much for most workers*

This is born out by the elevator problem. Naturally with a building so tall and with workers primarily arriving at the same time, congestion occurs daily. Yet the people who complain most about the elevator delays are the people who get off at the first floor. Now I can be quite retro on occasion but stairs, good old fashioned stairs, they really, really, can't have completely been forgotten in this high-tech elevating, escalating world.

Is this what I can look forward to? A complete dumbing down of all sense, pluck and initiative. Stay tuned to find out.

Phobia of the day: melissophobia - the fear of bees.

* I didn't look quite so clever the day the door was locked, mind.

The World of Employment

This last week, I have mostly been writing about:

T-shirts/tops of many varieties
Layering tops
Cardigans
Tunics
Roll necks
Cycle shorts
Yoga wear
Performance wear
RealCool cotton
Joggers
Fleeces
Jerseys
Socks
Hoodies

And many more… All womenswear you understand. I don’t think I’m doing very well, but they don’t seem to mind.

Not that anyone really notices that I’m there, but I don’t actually work with anyone I sit near. My boss (or the woman who sets me work, I don’t actually work with my boss) sits a few desks up on the other side of the office.

Still, I think I’m making some impact, the guy who sits opposite to me asked me if I wanted a drink on Friday, but the guy who looks like Sylar from Heroes.

This week I get to go to the store in Marble Arch and note down everything that’s written on the clothing tags to make sure it tallies with what’s online. This will include the underwear…

I’m going to wear my ID card around my neck to show I’m an employee but I’m still going to look like a massive pervert.

Instrument of the Week: The Tromboon the reed and bocal of the bassoon attached to the body of a trombone in place of the trombone's mouthpiece, the Tromboon features the worst aspects of both instruments for maximum irritation.



Sounds a bit like an electric razor.

The House Hunt

I’ve been spending all week trying to find somewhere new to live in London. It’s been hard, it’s been difficult, and it’s been damn irritating. From the flat so small I could urinate from one end to the other*, to the flat I saw twice with two different agents one after the other and let’s not forget the estate agent who tried to talk me out of seeing the flat, only to eventually give in and drive me violently there for a tense 30 second viewing before thundering off – it’s been a demoralising time.

Mostly I’ve been looking at studio flats.

What are studio flats?

Studio flats are the gutted rooms of once beautiful townhouses with a small bathroom and small bits of kitchen stuffed in them.

That sounds a little cramped.

You’d struggle to swing a small fraction of an anorexic pygmy cat in most.

Can’t you get large ones?

You can, but you pay a lot more and get very, very little extra. Basically, if you have any belongings, you’ll have to leave them somewhere else.

But I don’t want to live like a rabbit in a warren. What can I do?

Live on the streets or in a bed-sit, or pray you can find someone to move in with.

But I have found somewhere. Expensive, oh yes, very much so. But it’s liveable and actually has room to breathe and move and stuff. I’ll be appreciating that a great deal as I go bankrupt.

On the down side, there isn’t any furniture. It’s going to be bare living for a while…


Delusion of the Day: Reduplicative paramnesia.

A belief that a place or location has been duplicated, exists in two places at once, or has been moved to another site.

*Hypothetically of course. I wasn't drunk.

And Another Thing...

Last week was strange. I actually went for things – and got them! Opportunity to interview Gore Verbinski, director of Pirates of the Caribbean? Sure I’d like to give that a go. What are the chances of me getting it? Surely the other writers for the 6 Degrees Film site will get it first.

“Would you like to do it at either 9 or 5?”

I just don’t expect these things to happen.

So I set about doing my research. I actually watch the third film, read reviews, production information, other interviews, director’s biography and I come up with 24 questions to ask.

It comes to Thursday morning (choose 5 o’clock one – what a surprise) and I’ve heard nothing. The woman who runs the website asks me if everything has been arranged. I’ve heard nothing, was I supposed to contact the PR company myself and arrange it?

The hours pass and still nothing. I try to keep myself busy and occupied, but I’m nervous…

Then at 2, finally, I get an e-mail. I open it and…

Apologies, but the event has had to be postponed to unspecified later date.

Damn and blast it!



TV channel of the Day: The Puppy Channel

While watching the O.J. Simpson trial, advertising executive Daniel FitzSimons was flipping through channels during lulls in the events and found nothing but game shows, soaps and reruns. They conceived of a relaxing place to ‘park’ your Television.

The puppy channel ran on 4 cable stations from 1998 to 2001, with nothing but puppies frolicking to ambient music. During an audience survey 41% of people preferred it to news channel CNBC and 37% of people preferred it to all the TBS network of cable channels.

The Work

I’ve applied for quite a lot of jobs this year. So many I’m beyond able to count how many.

I’d just started applying via a new website and was casually applying for copywriting jobs, when suddenly, one replied. This is pretty unusual – even rejections are rarely issued. But this wasn’t a rejection, oh no, this was a test. A test of my writing abilities…

A test for Endemol at Marks & Spencer – I was to write blurb for a selection of their products, based on only the picture, bullet points and category. The items requiring blurb: a bonded leather box, a 100% wool jacket, a set of four napkin rings, 2 stripy tops for girls and a kimono style ladies top.

I sent the test back on Sunday, before the Sopranos finale (which was good and not good at the same time).

Tuesday: I get a phone call at 9:30 in the morning; naturally I’m not awake. My test was ‘pretty good’ and they want to interview me. When can I come in? I say whenever is convenient for them. They say 3 pm tomorrow, I say I think I can sort that out; in my mind I’m saying ‘holy shit!’, I do agree and get to booking a train.

Wednesday: Armed with three bits of writing from the site that I like and three bits that I don’t like, I get on the train. I’ve got 55 minutes to get from Euston to Paddington, but by the time I arrive I’ve got 28. And I can’t find where the building is. I get there ten minutes late, covered in sweat, and after signing in and getting a badge, I make my way to their office.

I have the interview with wet patches on my shirt. I’ve proved I can write but I slip up on a couple of questions and don’t feel so good afterwards.

Twenty minutes later: I’m in Notting Hill about to practice some retail therapy and I get a phone call. ‘Yes we’d like to offer you the job’. I accept and then babble because I’m so taken aback that I have no idea what to say.

I start in two weeks.

And I am wetting myself.

This Week...

This is what I've been upto so far this week.

- Knocked the disinfectant clip off the toilet inadvertantly and when noticing that the toilet was draining slowly, stuck the toilet brush down it and knocked it round the bend, therefore, blocking the toilet.

- Emptied the bodies of two mice out of the mouse traps and put them to rest: I dropped them in a bag and threw them in the bin.

- Caught a cold: blew my nose a lot and found it very difficult to sleep.

- Was turned down for four jobs. I'd spent a lot of time on one of these applications only to be told they'd decided to cancelled the project altogether.

- Attempted to get 2 different DVD reviews but was pipped to the post in both cases.

- Waited uncomfortably for news of the 6 ceramic umbrella stands I posted last week to arrive. As far as I'm aware, one arrived broken.

- Made the following items available for purchase via ebay.



Click here to bid.

- Entered a short story competition.

- Beat Philip Ogley at Scrabbulous by over 100 points*

- Found my bike tire was punctured. Took it off and repaired the puncture then found out there was a second puncture. Fixed that puncture and found that my pump had no attachments which would allow me to actually inflate the tire. After much improvising I found a method to inflate, after many attempts, I accidently tore the nossel away from the tire. Will now need to replace.

And this is one of my better weeks.

Place to visit of the day: Centralia, Pennsylvania, USA, home of the 45 year old mine fire. Yes, back in 1962 a coal seem set caught on fire while rubbish was burning on a local landfill and the underground fire has been burning ever since. The ground is now unsafe (the ground once opened up and almost swallowed someone) and the once populous town is home to 9 people.

Estimates are that the file will continued for roughly another 250 years.

* A-hahaha-haha-haha-hah

Yours, Anonymously.

Sometime ago on a date I won’t specify, I sent a letter to an organisation I cannot name about a complaint of mine that I will not elaborate on.

When I published this letter I shamelessly published the name of the person who sent me the letter in question.

This weekend I received an e-mail in reference to the previous letter, which I am advised I cannot reproduce, which stated in clear and concise terms that there would be serious consequences if I did not remove the reference to the person in question who I cannot name.

I have done so and would like to sincerely apologise for the trouble caused to this individual and for any distress caused by scurrilously publishing their name on this blog for up to three to four people to read.

Sorry.

Brand New Tales Of Woe

I have on occasion over the years, suffered from a minor skin complaint. It comes, it goes, but on occasion it comes on really bad and determined to finally see it gone, I visited a Docter to have it rid of once and for all. After an initial positive run of antibiotics he changed me to a different stronger antibiotic.

Unfortunatly, I have since discovered that I'm allergic to this antibiotic. It's now called Oxytetraclcyline or something like that.

So I'm now covered in red blotchy itchy sores. In some very sensitive areas too.

It's not really been a good week. My ebaying has not been going so well either. I thought, now that I'm making some money, I'd use a courier service - that's a safe way to make sure they reach their destination in one piece. How naive I was.

So I have a little request. If you know anyone who works for DHL, please stab them to death. I've lost A LOT of money, and they aren't compensating me.

And I didn't get the internship. You spend £30 on travel and they can only send you an e-mail to turn you down.


Some of the depressing effects of this post can be countered by watching the following clip.

Bad B-Movie Monsters - Robot Monster

A representation of myself as a character from the simpsons walking down a street.

What's This?

I, David Paul Nixon, writer and all round miserable sod, have another interview.

This one however, is not for a job, but for an low paid internship at uber-agency, Curtis Brown in their book department.

This naturally, is a great opportunity. But it is for two months in London and as I've said, it's not well paid. Not well paid at all...

Wish me luck.

Picture of the Day:

Something

A little part of me died this last week. My mum sent me to Aldi with a receipt and a tin of 21p spaghetti hoops; she’d bought them by mistake and wanted me to go to the till and exchange them for a tin of beans.

The cashier didn’t even bother to put it through the till

Still, it wasn’t as bad as the day my innocence died – the day I went in a shop and found them charging 15p for a chomp. This whole world is fucked!

I did see Ross Noble this week. He was very good; though I definitely enjoyed listening to him speak more than gobby woman in the audience.

The definite highlight (and he recognised that this was the part we’d all be talking about the next day) was when he started to juggle Oatcakes – Stokes local delicacy, and source of considerable local pride*.



I included the picture of them wrapped up to make them look less like a severe damp stain.

And also I gather that there are almost no other possible circumstances that could prevent my cheque (remember the cheque) from arriving. I still shalln’t get my hopes up.

But in the meantime, why not enjoy the sophisticated prose of Jim Theis’s legendary fantasy saga ‘The Eye of Argon’, famous amongst sci-fi and fantasy fans as a legendary and unique genre masterpiece. The first tantalising chapter is reproduced here to give you a taster:

"The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked
climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the
Norgolian empire. Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting
sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of
earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense
from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small
rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily
accomplishments of their dismal lives. Dust sprayed over three
heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome
cargoes of their struggling overseers.
"Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of
hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.
"Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death,
wretch!" returned Grignr.
A sweeping blade of flashing steel riveted from the massive
barbarians hide enameled shield as his rippling right arm thrust
forth, sending a steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers
vital organs. The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his
saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust
with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid.
The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery
red hair tossing robustly in the humid air currents as he faced
the attack of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms.
"Damn you, barbarian" Shrieked the soldier as he observed
his comrade in death.
A gleaming scimitar smote a heavy blow against the
renegade's spiked helmet, bringing a heavy cloud over the
Ecordian's misting brain. Shaking off the effects of the
pounding blow to his head, Grignr brought down his scarlet
streaked edge against the soldier's crudely forged hauberk,
clanging harmlessly to the left side of his opponent. The
soldier's stead whinnied as he directed the horse back from the
driving blade of the barbarian. Grignr leashed his mount forward
as the hoarsely piercing battle cry of his wilderness bred race
resounded from his grinding lungs. A twirling blade bounced
harmlessly from the mighty thief's buckler as his rolling right
arm cleft upward, sending a foot of blinding steel ripping
through the Simarian's exposed gullet. A gasping gurgle from the
soldier's writhing mouth as he tumbled to the golden sand at his
feet, and wormed agonizingly in his death bed.
Grignr's emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the
wallowing soldier struggling before his chestnut swirled mount.
His scowling voice reverberated over the dying form in a tone of
mocking mirth. "You city bred dogs should learn not to
antagonize your better." Reining his weary mount ahead, grignr
resumed his journey to the Noregolian city of Gorzam, hoping to
discover wine, women, and adventure to boil the wild blood
coarsing through his savage veins.
The trek to Gorzom was forced upon Grignr when the soldiers
of Crin were leashed upon him by a faithless concubine he had
wooed. His scandalous activities throughout the Simarian city
had unleashed throngs of havoc and uproar among it's refined
patricians, leading them to tack a heavy reward over his head.
He had barely managed to escape through the back entrance of the
inn he had been guzzling in, as a squad of soldiers tounced upon
him. After spilling a spout of blood from the leader of the
mercenaries as he dismembered one of the officer's arms, he
retreated to his mount to make his way towards Gorzom, rumoured
to contain hoards of plunder, and many young wenches for any man
who has the backbone to wrest them away."

Continued here...

*Gotta have pride about something.

THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS

The Best of the Worst Part 4

More horrific than the love child of John Prescott & Anne Widdicomb, more gut-wrentching than 7 back-to-back Hollyoaks omnibusses, its:


Tor Johnson is Joseph Javorsky, a Russian scientist who defects and is flown under the highest security to an airstrip in the middle of a desert and than whisked away under the protection of two people.




But those wiley Russians send two other people in a car after them, and Javorsky is forced to flee and run amongst the rocks of the surprisingly un-flat Yucca Flats. But unknown to him, he has wondered onto a nuclear testing facility*.




After an explosion he is transformed into 'The Beast' an insane creature who very gently strangles his victims to death.



Now running amok, and having kidnapped the obligatory woman, it's up to the cop guys or maybe the airport guy or maybe that other guy who's searching for his kids to run about a lot and stop him.




But it is the spine-tingling dialogue that bring The Beast of Yucca Flats alive, as is the actors unique ability to throw their voices, as they never deliver their lines and appear on screen at the same time.

This much quoted film has many, many famous lines.

Narrator: "Touch a button, things happen. A scientist becomes a beast."

Narrator: "Boys from the city, not yet caught in the whirlwind of progress, feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs."

Narrator: "Joseph Javorsky, respected scientist. Now a fiend prowling the wastelands, a prehistoric beast in a nuclear age. Kill, kill just to be killing."

Narrator: "A man runs, someone shoots at him."

All this and more in The Beast of Yucca Flats, unsuprisingly available to download for free via the public domain.

If anybody watches it and wants to give their theory as to how Tor gets all the way from the middle of the desert to a town house to strangle a woman in a low cut top at the films prelude, I'd be glad to hear it.

Samuel Goldwynism of the day: “I don’t want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.”

Not A Job

Despite putting on what I thought was a pretty good performance, I was not called back for a 2nd interview. I was disappointed; although at first I was a little uncertain as to whether I wanted the job, it did look like a really nice place to work.

I got an e-mail saying that the standards of interviewees was high and that they went with the person with the most experience. This of course may mean that they went with someone who had been to the theatre more than twice in their life.

Oh and I went to Amsterdam didn't I? Yes that was fun, and I'm not being sarcastic* I did really enjoy it. Amsterdam is a really beautiful and chilled out place, the only trouble was in fact caused by, well us - and one loud mouthed twat in particular**

After spending the first night rowing about where to go and getting hacked off and going back to the hotel a bad mood, it really picked up on the 2nd day. I got eyed up in a gay bar and then paid 45 euro's to go into a topless bar where we could drink as much as we liked for an hour while the husband-to-be watched the barmaids insert various items into their vaginas and perform a variety of tricks.

It was called the banana bar and I'll say no more.

Selected films featuring Robert Z'Dar
BODY SHOP (2000): Two years after a women is killed in a fatal car crash, the trio of teenagers responsible for her death are suddenly being murdered - one by one. Each of them faces a horrible, bizarre death apparently devised by the dead woman's husband, a deranged two truck driver.

Z'Dar puts in a bravura performance as 'Shop Owner' IMDB rating 3/10

ZOMBIEGEDDON (2003): When the "zombie-looking freaks" begin taking over the world, dirty cops Jeff and Cage find themselves in the unenviable position of having to stop them before it's too late. Jeff learns that he alone has the power to defeat them if he's up to the task. But internal affairs officers investigate them for their prior wrongdoings, time is running out...

Warning - features Joe Estevez

IMDB rating 2.1/10

ROCK N'ROLL COPS 2: THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES (2003): With a Guitar in One Hand, a Gun in the Other, They Kick Hollywood's Butt.

IMDB rating 3.1/10

*For once.

**Not me.

The Week To Come...

I’m off to a bachelor party in Amsterdam tomorrow. I don’t smoke, I hate nightclubs and I’m only an occasional drinker. I’m going to be sooo in my element, sketching the town red.

Also, I’m off to Portsmouth for that job I might want. It’s not where I want to live and the pay is not so good. But it is a job, and all progress is progress. And its not in Stoke – thats a BIG plus.

Anyhow, here is me new favourite actor, Robert Z’Dar, star of such films as Maniac cop and Tango and Cash.

Behold him, him and his massive face…



Subliminal Message of the Day: "Now Call the Chief" - in 1978, Kansas TV station KAKE-TV was given permission to place this subliminal message, along with an image of a pair of glasses, an image said to be significant, in a TV report in an effort to catch the BTK serial killer. The attempt was unsuccessful.

Angry, Angry, Angry.

Two weeks! Over two weeks have passed since I sat for a day in the offices of Autotrader doing writing tests. Have they offered me the job? Have they rejected me for the job. I don’t know, because they haven’t bothered to phone me.

They tell you it’ll be a week, so you wait patiently as the deadline passes and think, well, maybe there’s a delay, and you wait a bit longer, and then suddenly over two weeks has passed and it dawns on that you probably haven’t got the job because if you had you wouldn’t have been left in the lurch like this.

Things just generally are working out. I only got my unemployment benefit last week, that’s almost 6 weeks since I applied for it and I only got that because I had to chase it up when it wasn’t paid. Apparently there was a problem, they said they’d phone me back tomorrow, they didn’t, so I phoned up and within ten minutes they said, it’ll be in your account tomorrow morning. It was eventually there by the afternoon.

I wouldn’t have needed the unemployment benefit because a friend offered my some work painting houses. But its been raining solidly all week, so no money there.

Well at least I’ve got another job interview. It’s for the New Theatre Royal in Portsmouth. I’m not sure I want to live in Portsmouth, it’s not very well paid, and they’ve set me tasks to complete and there will be a second interview, which takes the mickey a little bit, but at least they’re paying for travel expenses. Which is more than Autotrader did.

And still no sign of any money.

The cracks are getting deeper……..

Bad Omens

So last Thursday I ventured forth to Wimbledon for my 2nd interview, or as it was called 'A Day in the Life of the Editorial Team' or as it turned out to be, a series of short writing tests.

As I was riding the tube on my way there, my friend Moira was reading her stars in the Metro. For a laugh, I decided to have a look at mine...

VIRGO
Self doubt spreads through your day
with previously easy tasks seeming
inexplicably tough. Call on support
from those who love you - and can
tolerate your miserable mood long
enough to help.

What the f**K!!!

Screw you Metro, just what I need, a prophecy to fulfill.

As it happens, thing went OK. I'm down to the last 3 and am just waiting to hear back from them, which I will by the end of the week.

Please, please, I don't want to live in Stoke no more.

No Ro-man, he's not worth it!

The Ordeal In Full

The Group Test: Apparently we’ve been in a plane crash and all that’s left besides us is the skeleton of the plane. We have to rank our 15 possessions in order of importance. The reflective mirror was the most important, an idea I helpfully shot down early on in the discussion. We ran out of time and didn’t appoint a spokesperson.

Numerical Test: I’m glad they said they were more interested in accuracy than speed because for the 20 minute test I answered 9 out of 20 questions. It didn’t help that I was ticking the wrong boxes on the answer sheet and had to go back and put it right.

Proofreading Test: Gulp. I didn’t finish this in the time given. I would sell it on my accuracy, but who would I be kidding? Saw the first page of the answer sheet. I think I found more mistakes than there actually were…

Written Test: Had to speed produce some copy around what to say when calling up a car seller. 30 minute time limit to produce 250 words, points deducted for being ten words over or under. I didn’t have time to count.

Verbal Test: You’ve got a bit of text and you’re asked questions relating to this piece of text and you have to say whether it’s true, false or cannot say – based on what’s written, not what you know yourself – almost finished this one.

Personality Test: There are no right or wrong answers, but just in case you’re lying, they’ll ask you the same question over and over but from different angles.

The Interview: Oh yes, there was an hour long interview as well.

Can’t have gone too badly, they’ve asked me back this Thursday to spend a day in the office as a 2nd interview. Not that there was supposed to be a 2nd interview. Don’t they know how expensive it is to go to these things!!!

The Toll of the Unexpected.

Despite the persistant indifference shown to me as a candidate for employment, I have continued to send off the CVs and cover letters, frequently but without much hope.

Yet on Tuesday, something I never dreamt could happen, happened. Somewhere in the world the rivers must've been running red with blood because I, David Paul Nixon, was asked to a job interview.

Well, not quite. I was asked to an 'assessment day', they'd send the details through the post the next day. So I spent the next few days brushing up on my copywriting theory. But when the letter finally arrived there was no mention of anything to do with writing. This assessment day will consist of a group exercise, a personality questionnaire and will end with a numerical and verbal reasoning Test.

I'd never done one of these tests before so I took one online by the people who produce them for the company. I feel quite confidence about the verbal test, but as for the numerical test, well, if I keep practising I might be able to get my score to above 30%.

Oh and the job is for junior copywriter at Trader Media Group. I'll be primarily working on the Auto-Trader website. Cars are not exactly my area of expertise as I know only fractionally more about cars today then I did the day I was born.

So providing they don't find out that I can't add and I don't know shit about cars, I should be just fine.

Danger!!!

Look out! It's Eegah!!



Yes, Richard (Jaws from Bond) Kiel is Eegah, caveman extraordinaire. He's lived for centuries in a cave (Ro-man's cave in fact) without being discovered, but one day stumbles onto the road and straight into the headlights of love.



But Roxy has to go and tell her stupid father. So he goes out, on his own, with no supplies, over night, in the desert, to search for the primitive and aggressive giant.



And when he doesn't come back it's upto Roxy's boyfriend, the pug-faced, dune buggy enthusiast, Arch Hall Jr, to rescue him.



But the silly boy takes Roxy with him, and once Eegah sees woman all hell breaks loose. Will Eegah throw Roxy over his shoulder and walk off with her?

You betya.



Will Roxy and Eegah hit it off? Is her Dad still alive*? Will Arch Hall Jnr's song 'Oh Vicky' be a huge hit, paving his way to be the next Elvis. Was his Dad the director of this film?

All this and more in 'Eegah

And watch out for Snakes.

Fighting The War Against Bias

For those who find that Wikipedia - the encyclopedia you can edit yourself - shows too much bias? Do you finds that it's articles are biased towards Anti-American flag haters, lily livered liberals and god hating homos'?

Then why not try Conservapedia the 'trustworthy encyclopedia', where they fight 'bias' with bias.

Why not check out there incredibly informative articles on Homosexuality, Abortion and the Republican Party.

With already 9,000 registered contributors (you have to be registered) it's clearly becoming an important Internet resource, although 4,000 of them are permanently banned. And it did have to except some 'Anti-American' bias by revising its policy on allowing English spellings.

Quote of the Day: "I do feel that evolution is being controlled by some sort of divine engineer. I can't help thinking that. And this engineer knows exactly what he or she is doing and why, and where evolution is headed. That’s why we’ve got giraffes and hippopotami and the clap." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr

Goodbye Falmouth

Leaving Soon

Because I don't currently have any money left, I'm having to pack up my things and leave Cornwall and move back to Stoke-on-Trent

Let me illustrate how much I'm dreading this move.

I will swapping views such as this:



For views such as this:





Ok, so I've made the pictures black and white, selected the worst pictures I could find, and admittedly some of these buildings have been pulled down since I took the pictures. BUT the point is that Stoke sucks and there's nothing to do and if I'm there for very long I shall want to kill myself.

Delusions of the Day: Cotard Delusion - where a person holds the irrational belief that they are either dead, do not exist or have lost all their internal organs.

A Long Story

My Opus is complete:

16 months of hards work is over.

289 pages, composing of 17 complete chapters & 1 prologue written in arial size 11, one and a half line spaced.

That's a total 118,644 words

That's at least 30,000 above the average.

I might decide to do a little editing, but at the minute I'm thinking f**k it, if I want it to be long, it's going to stay f**king long.

Me and Ron are off to celebrate

I'm Not Ashamed Of It!

Yes that's right, I went to see the Pet Shop Boys last week, and I'm proud of it damn it. Pure entertainment that's what it was.

Almost two hours of quality fun, I don't care what anyone says about them!!!

THEY'RE GREAT




I can assure you that's a mike stand that Tennant's holding.

If you're like me and desperate to know who made it to the no1 spot in the poll of the top 100 Belgians then click here now. It took me by surprise I can tell you.

Samuel Goldwynism's of the day:

“In two words, im-possible.”
“Can she sing? She’s practically a Florence Nightingale.”
“Why did you name him Sam? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam!”